Reflecting On 2020

2020 is quickly coming to an end, and for many people, this year was particularly painful and hard. 

Covid-19 has turned everyone's lives upside down. Death, illness, job loss, isolation, and a devastating political climate tore holes in the fabric of our society as we watched and were mostly powerless to change any of it. 

I'm not trying to downplay anyone's struggles. I cannot know the depth of your pain, just like you cannot know mine...But I have made it a habit to always try to find something positive, no matter how small it may be, to put on as armor after a battle. 

This year is no different in that regard. If I don't revel in the beauty that can come from hardship, I am doomed to keep experiencing it the same painful way, over and over again. 

Our household, all eight of us, have been in lockdown since March. There have been a few moments where someone we knew quarantined, and we were able to spend time with them, but that has only happened for short periods of time. Otherwise, it's just been us and the few other safe people who are living similarly to how we are through the pandemic.  

In the beginning of this year, fear was a constant presence for all of us. There were (and still are) a lot of unknowns. It quickly became clear that we could either panic or figure out a way to take hold of what we COULD control. 

And for the most part... We were successful in doing that, and thriving in it. 

I overheard my daughters talking about 2020 and how they've seen so much negativity about it on social media. I've never really understood the vilification that every year sees at the end of its life. Every year has had its own share of hard times and beautiful gifts. 

So here is a top five list of mine:

5. I learned to garden and can food! I can't wait to pick back up in the Spring. 

4. Because Covid-19 kept us all locked in, my daughter used it as a safe time to shave her head. I watched her learn to love herself even more, not because of her appearance, but because it made her realize just how little the outside of us matters. 

3. I learned to be really grateful for the ability to zoom and fb call other people. I'm so lucky to still get to see my other kids, even if we can't hold each other right now. 

2. We all learned some new skills! Sign language, baking, sewing were just a few of the things we all taught each other this year. 

1. I got to not only spend immense amounts of time with some of my kids, and also spend time with my grandkids. I got to see many Niko's firsts and I got the pleasure of teaching Scottie how to read... And well, nothing can ever replace time with the people I love. 

The Cost of Caring

I can see it in your eyes. I can read it in between the lines of your social media posts. I can hear it in the words that you don't say out loud. 

Your soul is tired. Your heart is tired. Your body is tired. 

Even worse is that you suffer through it all alone. 

It isn't because you feel no one will care about your story, your pain. It's because you don't want to burden others with it. Better to sink alone than to take the whole ship down with you, isn't it?

This is the cost of being a person who cares. The person who fixes everything. The person who takes care of everyone. The one who gives up so much of their own self to make sure that the people they love remain happy and whole. This is the price that is paid. Loneliness and exhaustion. 

This isn't a guide on how to be okay. It isn't a way to say the often heard advice of the importance of "putting your own oxygen mask on first." Hearing those things does not help, nor does it feel like an option in most cases. You wouldn't be in this position, over and over again, if you were the type of person who felt capable of putting yourself first.

I write this to say, I see you. I am you. 

We are part of a society of empathetic people who will never meet one another. Oh, we may meet at social gatherings... but we will interact as the brave and happy people that we allow others to see. Not for the sake of pride, but because the guilt of bringing people 'down' is stronger than the desire to actually be heard. 

No, you don't want a badge of honor for what you do. You don't need recognition. The reality is that being someone who cares so deeply is so ingrained, you would and do behave this way, even when no one is looking. 

We are tired. We have heavy hearts from carrying the hardships of all of those around us. We need respite without the feeling of guilt. 

All I can offer is my solidarity. It may be done quietly, but it is there. 

Realistic New Years Resolutions

As is my yearly tradition on this blog (mostly)... I've compiled my list of top five resolutions for the year.

So I'm a few months late. Good resolutions take time to create.

5. Stop squinting so much: aka stop losing my glasses.
The problem with having bad vision is wearing glasses. Forget the fact that they make life easier, in that I can see better. I hate them. Also, I am notoriously bad at keeping track of them. I can't tell you how many times I've turned the house upside down to find them. The cycle is the same every time: set glasses down somewhere before bed, get up the next day and forget I have been wearing glasses for over ten years, squint at everything until I remember why I'm half blind, look for glasses, give up on looking for glasses and go back to squinting.
Not this year! Every time I look in the mirror at the chasm that is forming between my eyes, I will say to myself, "self, put your glasses on before that chasm is so deep you look like a wrinkled up peach that's been sitting in the sun for a week." By the way, I'm totally not wearing my glasses as I write this.

4. Sleep through the night.
No, I'm not an infant. I'm a fully grown woman who can't manage to sleep more than three hours at any given time, and usually these hours are not at night.
I am on a mission this year to try to get it in check. Starting next week.... or sometime.
Perhaps if I didn't sleep next to a man that is all elbows and snuggles, I could sleep better. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm supposed to think it's cute that he snuggles (smothers) me while he's sleeping.
I'm just gonna go right ahead and call bullshit on anyone that thinks wrestling with a spastic rhino in a 6x4 space is fun. I fell off the bed last night. Correction. I was snuggled off the bed last night.
Addendum to Number 4:
Buy a separate bed for Sir.

3. Buy more stretchy pants. 
After finally conceding to the fact that I love pajama pants, I have unabashedly started putting them on as soon as I walk through the house door. Gone are the days when I had enough pride to stay dressed until bedtime. I don't have it in me to care anymore. I am going to rock my comfy pants as much as I want, when I want. I don't care if I look like a fat girl who failed at yoga. I don't care if they aren't flattering for my butt that is already non-existent. I don't even care if they don't match the shirt I'm wearing. I AM GOING TO BE COMFORTABLE... and I will hurt anyone who tries to get in the way of my comfort. You've been warned. That's right... I'm making 2018 my bitch.

2. Stop ingesting so much sugar.
Don't get too excited. I'm not implying I'm going to quit eating sweets. (see stretchy pants resolution) I am going to give up drinking the sugary sweet beverages that have become a habit this past year. I've always been a champion water drinker. I could drink anyone under the table. Give me a glass and some water, and you're going down. At some point last year, I started drinking what I have dubbed 'The Red Drink'. It's really just Hawaiian Punch. It started harmlessly enough at one drink a week when I just wanted something different. It quickly escalated into me calling Sir at work and asking him to stop and buy me some of the good stuff on his way home. I remember the day I was grocery shopping that the addiction came to a full realization. I saw a container of Red Drink and thought, self, you can have that on tap 24/7. If I don't stop drinking it, I'm going to be the next stand-in for Wilford Brimley. I will be the staring at you from your television, in my comfy pants, telling you, "you can have your diabeetus supplies sent directly to your house."

1. Run Away
I have been a parent since I was 19 years old. I deserve a freaking break from life. It's never ending. If it's not my own kids, it's someone else's kids, and if it's not kids.. I am taking care of adults. I can't stop taking care of other people. My kids are young adults, and yet here I am.. still mommy-ing like the whole world is hungry and I'm a leaky breast. (that's right. I just verbed the word 'mommy')
Well guess what? Mama is running away. At some point. This year. For a little bit. Just a few days, maybe.
Why is this so hard for me to do?! I honestly feel like if I'm not available to everyone's kids at all times, something terrible will happen. The one time I choose to shut off my phone will be the one time one of my kids is laying in the proverbial ditch, helpless and hurt... whispering, "mama...mama...why have you forsaken me?"
Why do I think like this? They aren't off taking crazy risks. They aren't drug lords running from a bad deal. They aren't gang members that have a bounty on their heads because they narced someone out to save their hide.  They are, in large, law abiding citizens who think excitement is a night snuggled in bed with snacks and a good movie.
That's it! I am going to pack a bag and go away for a few days. I'm going to throw caution to the wind. I'm going to go somewhere I've never gone, and live it up.

Hey kids, if you're reading this: my phone will be on if you need me.

Your Agenda Or Theirs? Why Autonomy Is Important.

When our children are young, we often tell them they can be anything they want to be when they grow up.

The problem with this statement is that most parents don't really mean it. They spend their whole lives telling them they are capable, smart, talented... all the things they need to hear, yet a parent's behavior can send a completely opposite message.

I want to preface this by saying I am a firm believer in teaching boundaries, ethics, responsibility, etc. Those traits are important to foster. So please do not misconstrue what I am about to say.

We tell our children they can be whomever they wish to be, and then spend their entire childhood treating them like little soldiers that need to march a path that we deem "appropriate" for them. Children and teens are so controlled by their parents that they do not know how to be an individual. We do not teach them how to think independently. We do not teach them that mistakes are important. We do not teach them how to problem solve without our guidance.

In short, we teach our children that they must be a version of what our expectations are for them.

My daughter was, and still is, phenomenal at challenging my thinking as a parent. It's something I've always appreciated about her. I did not parent in a way that was black and white. If she raised a well thought out counter point to something I said, I would take it into consideration, and we would discuss it as equals. I often reminded her that her life was indeed her own to make what she would of it. One day, as a teenager, we were discussing this as we often did. She looked at me and said, "what if I want to grow up to be a prostitute?" It was at this point that I realized the full weight of my words, "you can be whatever you want."

There I sat. Silent. Contemplating my next move. Was I going to look at my daughter and tell her that I take it back? I didn't mean what I had been telling her all her life? Or was I going to trust in her ability to do what was best for her... despite how much I wanted to tell her she shouldn't even consider prostitution as an option.

It was a tense moment.

I finally said to her, "If you chose to work in the sex industry, it would be hard for me to accept, because I would worry about your safety, but I would never stop loving you or supporting you if you chose it."

And I meant it.

She had no plans to do so at the time. She was simply testing her limits of autonomy, her sense of control over her own self.

She taught me a powerful lesson that day.

The weight of our words and actions with our children often defines how capable they will be at being independent and free thinkers that thrive as individuals.

How often do you see parents tell their children that they must follow a specific path? For example, you must have a diploma/college/career, to be successful? How often do we hear parents discourage their children from being unconventional? More so, how often do we hear parents tell their children that success is measured by the amount of money they will make, the degrees they get, the normalcy they exhibit in society?

What if we, as parents, meant the phrase, "you can be whatever you wish to be" and then allowed them to really live that to fruition?

The reason a parent so often chooses to squash this freedom is because they fear their children will fail, but failure is a subjective idea. What I consider a failure for myself, may not be a failure for someone else. If my personal agenda is to have 'x' amount of income, it is not a failure if someone else doesn't have the same goal. Why then, should our personal goals have to be met by our children? We don't look at our peers and say, "John doesn't make the same amount of money I do, he is a complete failure." "Sally doesn't work a first shift job, she's clearly not working a good job." So why do we feel the need to have an agenda for our children? Why can our peers make choices based on their wants, but not our kids?

To put it simply, it is pride. Parents look at their children as extensions of themselves.

But they are not. They are their own unique individual.

Unless we, as a society, start treating them as such, we will continue to see young adults failing in all aspects of work and social life. If we do not allow them to think for themselves, if we continue to push our agendas on them, they will always be lost when it comes to critical thinking as an adult.

Next time your child challenges your thinking, listen. Encourage them to formulate thoughts on their own. Stop taking their hands and dragging them down your path. Yes, they will have moments where they trip and fall on the trail they are blazing....

but they will also know they are strong enough to get back up and try again.

Contradictions of Grief

Grief is being suffocated with love and concern from others when someone dies, and then shortly after, it is being told that you need to "let it go." Then it's feeling utterly alone because people think that grief has an expiration date. It doesn't. Your pain becomes a burden for others, and instead of admitting that they don't want to deal with you, they try to tell you that there is something wrong with you.  Sometimes you wonder if something really is wrong with you... 

Grief is moving on in many ways with your life and feeling guilty for doing so. As if it somehow implies they meant less than they did. Alternatively, it's also having small moments of being proud of yourself for how far you've come since the day they died.

Grief is feeling great one moment, and then sobbing the next. A small memory, song, or word is all it takes to turn you into a whimpering mess of a human. It's an endless roller coaster that you can't get off of. You just hold on white knuckled, hoping that around the bend it's level for a bit longer.

Grief is selfish. Even though there is someone else out there that has been in a similar position, this grief is yours. No one will ever truly feel how you feel. No one will ever understand your loss. It's wanting people to understand while at the same time being mad at anyone who says they do understand. How dare they? This is your grief. It will never be anyone else's.

Grief is a competition for some. It can be a pissing match of who loved that person more. In reality, no one can love someone the same as you. Each love and relationship is unique. Each person means something different to us.

Grief makes you hold hands with death. You spend a lifetime dreading the idea of dying, and then grief makes you wonder how much longer you can live with the pain it causes. One more day, one more day... you can do this, but it's also okay to not always want to.

Grief is isolating. It's being surrounded by people and still feeling like there is a barrier separating them from you. Sometimes you get lucky... and another soul will walk up to the glass and put their hand to it, a reflection of yours, and their eyes say, "me too." Nothing more, because no words are needed to define the line of connection. It just is.

Grief means not letting go of a material object because it was tied to the person you lost. Even the most useless items become treasures. You keep them because they are the only physically tangible thing that ties you to that person. Letting it them go would signify letting the person go.

Grief makes you question things like an afterlife or God. Ideals that you may have carried all your life can change because the thought of not seeing your loved one ever again is too hard to believe. It's a small hope that you will be reunited again... somehow.

Grief is being angry at the person for dying and then trying to forgive them for it.

Grief is understanding why they are gone.

Grief is being mad at yourself that they died and then trying to forgive yourself for it.

Grief is constant. Even when we have moments of sheer joy, it's waiting just under the surface. It is infinite.

Grief is trying to learn from everything that may have lead up to a death, as if putting the pieces of the puzzle together will make you okay. It doesn't, because puzzles are easily jumbled back up. History is the same way. Every person's perception changes how history is written.

Grief is wondering how different you would feel if you had been able to say goodbye. The space between the last time you saw them and the time they died is an abyss. Even if it was minutes, hours, days.... that space of time will now forever be remembered as the 'what if' time. What if I just did this? What if I had just said that? What if, what if, what if?

Grief is knowing what's logical and actual, but being unable to hold on to that logic for more than a few moments... because love is irrational, and that doesn't end because the person is gone.

Grief is not sleeping and being awake as the sun comes up to write something that brings no comfort. The act of trying to understand is like trying to hold sand in a sieve. You always have to face the emptiness of loss.

One more day. You can do this. You can do this. You can do this. 

The Biggest Regret

Life is full of regrets. We all have them. When someone we love is dying, we regret that we haven't spent more time with them. When someone we love feels hurt, we regret how our actions may have caused that. When we lose at something, we regret not having tried harder.

Humans, by design of society, are guilt ridden creatures. 

And while some regrets push us to strive harder, there are some regerts that are overlooked, because we are taught to ignore them. We are told that if we aren't giving to others, loving others, making exceptions for others, compromising with others at all times.. we are selfish. 

Yet the worst regret one could possibly have is not putting themselves first. 

I own this one. I am a living embodiment of giving before taking, putting other's wants before mine, thinking about how to make others happy before I think of my own happiness. If selflessness were a sin, I've created my own hell in which to atone for it. 

I don't deserve a medal for it, as much as the world will tell you that being selfless is a sign of enlightenment. It's not always. Sometimes, it's a self imposed burden to carry around. It is a weight that is tied around our necks that drags us down and leaves us feeling more than unhappy with our existence. 

There is a saying about first putting on your own oxygen mask in a crashing plane, because if you don't, you can't help others. 

This is true. Just as true as the saying about not being able to pour from an empty vessel. 

I've spent most of my life being an empty vessel. I don't want sympathy for it. I did it to myself. I have surrounded myself with vultures who peck at me until I am bone. I have allowed others to count on me when I couldn't even count on myself. I have shown strength for others and then have had meltdowns because I had no strength to deal with my own stuff. 

I am, by in large, a codependent person.. my behavior has been textbook. 

The problem with making other's happiness a priority is that our own needs, wants, and goals become skewed. We adjust our own selves to comply with the societal norms that tell us that this is a loving way to behave. We buy into the belief that by giving all we have, we are better people.

We are not. In fact, it makes us smaller. 

Spending so much energy on the growth of others, steals our own ability to grow. It takes the marrow out of our bones and makes us brittle, small, damaged, easily broken.

The last few years for me have been a rebuilding of my own self. I have fought the constant urge to fulfill everyone's wants of me. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I am right back to the codependent creature. It is a never ending struggle of balance. 

The key word in this is honesty. Honesty with yourself and everyone in your life. Do I want to do this? Do I like this? Does this help ME? Does this hurt me? Do I have enough to give right now? 

And most importantly:

Am I giving this person more than I am receiving? (back to the empty vessel reference)

Love, in all it's forms, is a two way street. It's a balancing act of giving and taking. It has to be. Without that balance, one person winds up empty. 

As of late, I am feeling very empty. I take responsibility for this. I have been less than honest with myself. It is a result of giving too much and getting nothing in return... and allowing it. It's time to make some changes in my own behavior again. 

It is time to put on my own oxygen mask, sit back, and breathe. 

Because my plane is crashing. 

Free Falling

I'm a tightrope walker. We all are. Everything in life is a balancing act.

Except sometimes, there is no safety net. There is nothing and no one to catch you. Sometimes this is necessary for growth. Sometimes, it's self imposed independence. And then there are times when you realize that the people you counted on, just aren't there to hold your hand, catch you, hold you... all of the things that make relationships a two way street. Going further than that, sometimes you just stop caring if you fall.

I used to be scared of death, loss, and of failing in general. The great big void beneath my little tower of comfort was terrifying. I didn't step to the edge and look down at it. If I felt a strong breeze shake my foundation, I cowered and reached for something or someone that made me feel safe.

Then, without warning, everything that was my security, fell apart. Gone. In a moment my whole life was turned upside down, and I was left falling into that dark void with only my own will to stop the descent. I made it through... again and again.

But my tower of safety was smaller with every success. The distance between myself and that darkness, narrowed, never the same as it was. Reality and all that comes with it, made me acutely aware that I was not immune to hurt, heartache, death, loss... all of the scary things in life. I became AWARE.

As time goes on, my tower shrinks.

There are times when I walk to that edge and just stare down... hoping a strong wind will knock me off. There are times when I try to build my tower taller, and it feels like no matter how many stones I place on top of another, I will never get back to that place of ignorance. That place where life was pretty, hopeful, full of wonder at what could be.

I am merely surviving at times. Going through the motions as I am expected. I get lost in my head to the thoughts that devour my happiness... my hopefulness. Sometimes it scares me, but it's the times when I am not scared that I realize that I have become a product of life.

I am not implying that I don't feel or want happiness. I do. I want both, in great measure. The big truth is that happiness is fleeting. It is but a drop in a bucket of every emotion and event that makes up our existence. To think or believe that I could live in a place of constant joy, is farcical.

So, while I'm not actively hoping to fall.. I am okay with it. I am okay with that great big tumble back into the void that is discovery and death, all at once.

Because as I've said before,

I will always get back up.. until life decides to take my breath from my body.

There is no other option for me, as much as I sometimes wish there was.

Soul Weary

I'm struggling with this. I wish I could point a finger at someone and pass the blame on.

But I can't, cause it is my fault entirely.

It's a cyclical problem caused by allowing myself to care too much, love too deeply, give more than I should. It's caused by having dreams and joy and a hope that someone, somewhere, can match my level of emotional investment in the awareness of the greater consciousness we all are a part of.. and that they would match their emotional investment in me, as much as I do them.

And it's ridiculous. It's a silly notion to believe that at the end of the day, people aren't going to choose to put their ego and wants before anything else. That's human nature, isn't it? We are all taught to do what feels good, sometimes despite other's feelings, and sometimes at the cost of other's feelings.

I'm not implying I'm more evolved, better, or more self aware than others. I am who I am, and you are who you are. We are not better or worse than one another. We are just different.

But, like seeks out like. Therein lies the problem.

When your heart is tender and empathic, it is easily bruised by the rigors of existence as a whole. It's like trying to fit a square peg in a circular hole. You can sometimes force it, but the end result causes a squeezing of the core of you. Instead of moving freely within the space, you become stuck.

I am stuck. I'm stuck in a world that is largely circular, and I'm the square peg.

And I'm tired. I am deep down tired. I am tired of finding myself here. I am tired of holding hope that others will want to be self aware. I am tired of the giving, the doing, the waiting for reciprocation.

I am responsible for my own happiness. This is what we are told. You can't rely on others to bring you joy. Yet, in the same breath, we are social creatures who are driven by instinct. That instinct is not solitude. Some of our basic needs are love and acceptance. How do we reconcile those two very different thought patterns?

I wish I knew. Some days are clearer than others. Some days, I can say, "forget what other's want.. I am doing what I want." Most days though, I am not built to do that. My compassion for my fellow man is too strong, and I become invested too much. I empty my own vat of energy and pour it into others... and I am left hollow.

Right now, today, I am tired. I am empty.

I feel like I have no more to give.

But I will. I always do.

Just not this day.

Grief and Time... They are independent of each other.

As I get older, I am acutely aware of time and how fast it goes. Every year is eventful in it's own way, but some years stand out apart from the others. 2016-2017 has really been a year of events that forever changed me in profound ways. 

It was a year of loss, grief, joy, discovery, growth.. So many things, all linked in some crazy ways. While I wouldn't change where I am at right now (on most levels), there are certainly events that I wish I could have changed in some ways. 

Yes, I know that's not a sign of true acceptance. I'm well aware of that. But, I have come to understand that there are just certain situations in our lives that hurt on a grand level. The kind of hurt that doesn't just go away with any amount of reasoning. It takes hold at your very core and wraps itself around your heart like fine tendrils of vines. They can be beautiful and strangling. 

As many of you know, I lost someone I loved. Tragically. Horribly. Instantly. 

What most of you don't know is how it has changed me as a person. Even as a person who has worked years in the mental health field, I can not rationalize this away. I can't make my grief go away. It is something that I will carry forever, on some level. 

I have been sitting on this blog entry for several months. Knowing I wanted to talk about it, but not knowing how. Just knowing that as a whole, I have found that most people who haven't had this experience, think that you should just get over it. Things happen for a reason. 

No. Sometimes, terrible things just happen. There is no reason. There is no making it okay. 

You just learn to live with it inside of you. Sometimes, gracefully. Sometimes, barely.

Charlie's death changed my world. Yes, in so many ways it has opened amazing doors and brought me closer to people that I would have otherwise never had in my life. And for that, I am so grateful. I am. I thank him all the time for who his leaving brought into my life. If he were here, he'd be so happy about it.. because always at the end of the day, he only ever wanted me to feel loved... and I do, by some of the people he loved and admired. 

These feelings do not supersede any of the other's though. 

Each facet of grief is it's own living entity. Unique unto itself. 

So with these feelings of immense thankfulness and joy, are the other feelings. The feelings of regret, sadness, forever questioning if somehow, some way, I could have stopped his death. I have talked to a therapist. I have written in my own personal journal to the point of me being sick of my own thoughts. I have talked to those I love about it. I have literally asked Charlie to somehow, if there is an afterlife, give me some sign that will convince me that this is what he wanted. That I, in no way, had any influence on his life ending. 

That answer will never come. It will never. fucking. come. 

And I will have to always live with that thought. 

I've counseled families and individuals through times of loss and grief. I am no stranger to it.... but nothing but experiencing death on this level, made me so aware of how pervasive it really is, how crushing it is, or how intrusive it can be at times. 

I have come leaps. I have. I'm not implying I'm stuck in grief mode all of the time. But it is there. It will always be there on some level, waiting to catch me off guard. 

So I say this to you, as a fellow human. If you are hurting because you lost someone.. I am sorry. I am so sorry. Know that no matter what anyone tells you, your feelings are valid. Your hurt is real. It's okay to feel so happy with life right now and then sometimes feel bad that you do. It's okay to feel every emotion you feel.

Also know this. Not everyone will understand or even support you. Many people will insist that there is a time frame for grief. There isn't. Some people will make you feel as though you have to hide it because it makes them uncomfortable. You don't. Some people will even make you feel as though you are wrong for finding things that make you happy while still being able to smile about how the person you lost made you happy. You do not have to bury your memories with the person you loved. Ever. It is not a competition. Each relationship with a friend, family member, lover, is unique in it's own way. 

It's been more than a year... and here I sit, writing this and feeling like even this could never adequately encapsulate everything I feel. 

But it's all I have. These are the only words I have.  

Exclusion By Default

No one chooses to have a legitimate disability. No one. Are their people who will feign a disability for money or attention? Yes. The difference between the two is obvious and they are not comparable or synonymous.

Having a disability goes much deeper than the simple fact that there are just certain things that a disability changes about a person's abilities to live normally in the world as it is. It is pervasive on an emotional level.

There is not a part of life that it doesn't somehow reach it's fingers into. That's just the way it is. We have to learn to cope, adapt, make decisions based on what our disability allows.

Something that is ultimately frustrating and very common in the life of a person with a disability, is exclusion. Whether it is done intentionally or unintentionally. It hurts. Every time, it hurts. Not only is it a very lonely feeling, we wrestle with the reality that it is unfair to expect those in our lives to also give up things simply because we can't do them. We feel like a burden, a kill joy, and a pariah. So we stay silent, for the most part, about how we feel emotionally when we are excluded. This is not to be a martyr.. it is default behavior. It is a coping skill we use in order to take the burden off of others.

But, it is a lonely place to be. No matter how many times it happens, no matter the duration of the exclusion...it hurts every time. There is just no two ways about it. Normal social emotions lend us to wanting to be involved and part of our crowd. It's a natural feeling. We have to shove that feeling down, a lot.

Going one step further... it is frustrating when those in our lives suggest alternative ways for us to still do an activity that we know is something we can't manage. It is common for someone with a disability to get loads of suggestions about things we should try to be more normal. This type of behavior is a slap in the face. It suggests that we haven't tried to think of every single possibility there is in order to be involved, to take that emotional burden off of those we love and ourselves, to be NORMAL.

I have a disease called Reflexive Sympathetic Dystrophy. I do not say this for attention. For the love of God, that's the last thing I want. I say this to let you know, I am not speaking from a place of inexperience. This is my life. This is also my burden to carry, along with anyone else who has a disability.

I used to be an avid hiker, camper, outdoors lover. This disease has limited my ability to do those things to a degree that was extremely depressing at times. I still struggle with the loss of activities that I loved.

The list of things I can still do, far outweigh the list of things I can't. I am thankful for that.

But I feel compelled to talk about this. Not for my own sake, but for the awareness this brings in general.

I am not asking you to change your behavior for me or anyone else. I am asking you to simply consider the other side of the coin when interacting with a disabled person. Think about exclusion. Think about what it would be like to have your abilities taken from you. Think about the sheer amount of letting go and giving up a person has to do because their disability dictates that. Trust a person when they say, "I'm sorry, but I'm not able to do that." Do not question them, give suggestions, make them feel like they don't know what is best for themselves. Chances are, they've wrestled with every feeling to get to the point of accepting the "I can'ts."

The Waxing And Waning Of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

I can't remember the last time my mind felt quiet. It seems that since the beginning of my life (that I consciously remember), I have always felt like there is a constant barrage of words and pictures always playing in my head. It's like being on a highway where billboards line the side of it. Flashes of bits and pieces that are sometimes poignant and sometimes just noise.

Sometimes the only way to make it quieter is to cry. It's almost as if the act of crying shuts down enough of the noise that I can come to a place of ease... for a while.

No, I'm not psychotic. I am just mentally engaged with so many things on so many levels. Rarely do things escape my hearing, my sight, my attention on some level.

There's always the waxing and waning of this process. During times of stress, there is a cacophony of noise, and I would give anything to drown it out. In times where life is going smoothly, it seems more orchestrated. Yet no where between the waxing and the waning is it ever just...quiet.

I see people "zone out" and wonder at the sheer ability to do that. I wish I could do that.

I have obsessive compulsive disorder.

Not the kind that society portrays as funny. I'm not going to go off the deep end if the bag of skittles has more reds than greens. I'm not going to break down into a fit of tears if someone is wearing socks that don't match. I'm certainly not going to lose my grip if the tea towels aren't perfectly aligned.

Although there is an element of cleaning and order to what I experience (people that know me would probably argue that it's more than just an element)... it's more of an intrusive voice that tells me that if I don't do a certain thing, change a certain thing, follow a certain pattern.. that I will obsess over it until it's right. And I do. That obsessing turns into a compulsion to "fix" it. To make it right.

Logically, there is no right number of times to kiss someone goodbye. I know this. OCD tells me that if it isn't an odd number of kisses, something bad will happen to the person I love after they leave. So I count kisses and ask for one more if it's an even number.

Logically, I know that if I skip the vacuuming, dusting, dishes, and all the other cleaning for one night...it will be OK. The house will still stand and no one will think I'm a horrible person. OCD tells me that if I don't, I am a failure. So I clean, sometimes when I'm too tired or sore or sick....because I can't shut that negative thought off till I do.

Logically, I know that it's healthy and sufficient to brush and floss twice a day. OCD tells me that my teeth are going to fall out, my breath stinks, my teeth are yellowing. So I do it so much some days, that it hurts.

Having worked in the mental health field, I know damn well why all of this exists. Short of spilling the sordid details of a sick and twisted childhood, to the masses.. all I can say is that the knowing why doesn't make it go away. It just means I understand why it exists.

The more I challenge my thoughts and compulsions, the more anxious I become. It is a natural result of telling my brain, "no, I won't give in." And I try to do this often, but it's so tiring. To constantly be at war with oneself is exhausting and there are times I wish I had the power to go back in time and make the child me experience a normal life. One that wasn't full of trauma.

But I can't.

The reality is, this is me. OCD is as much a part of me as my heartbeat is.

I find myself feeling guilty for people that love me and whom I am the closest to. There are only a few. They see me, stripped of pride, and begging for safety when I feel lost. They see my tears of utter frustration at myself and my thinking. They see me try, try, try, and fail again...only to get up and try some more.

Because here's the truth: I won't ever give up. Even when I feel like it's too much. It's not in me to give up. I know that the moments of happiness in life, far outnumber the moments of pain. I know that even though I may seem crazy to others, there are those that I inspire..and for them..I have to keep going. I know that there are countless others who struggle like I do, and I keep going for them. It's a passive way of saying, "you got this..we can do this."

And I can do this. One step at a time.

For the rest of my life.

Facebook Friends

Some of you, I have met and have known for years. Some of you, I've yet to meet in person. And some of you, I will only ever get to interact with you on social media. No matter what our status is in regards to having met in person, I have come to enjoy your presence, however big or small it is, in my life.

Facebook is so many different things to people.

For me, it is an fountain of creativity...whether yours or mine. It is a way to express ourselves as we wish. It's a way to share our happiest and sometimes saddest moments in our lives. It's a network unmatched by any other social media.

Of course, that comes with it's own possible problems..but everything in life is that way. There is always the good and bad.

I'm choosing to focus on the good.

And the good is all of you. The people that make me laugh. The people that inspire me to do better. The people that stand in their truth and own their words. People that post thought provoking things. People that challenge my own thinking. People that share their families and lives with me because their pride in them is so strong.

All of you make social media what it is meant to be..for me anyways.

What you don't get to see is me scrolling through my feed and feeling so many feelings as I do. Stopping to think. Stopping to laugh hard. Taking a second to cry for someone who is in pain. Sharing a moment of joy that something happy or momentous has happened in your life. You don't see that the empathic part of me feels connected to a group of positive and creative people..and I need that. I crave it.

So this is not a post about how I'm 'cleaning out my friends list' or 'if you don't respond, I'll think you don't care.'

This is just me, saying thank you for being you and sharing parts of you with me.

My Life As A Pioneer Woman

Disclaimer: This post is for entertainment purposes. If you are a true homesteading woman, I give you all the respect. You, good lady, are made of stronger stuff than me.

I've been spoiled my entire life by having a home that heats with the turn of a knob. Sure, you have to pay out the wazoo for it, but boy, on a cold night, it's oh so wonderful.

When Sir and I were first together, I looked at the woodstove with longing. It was summer, and I remember feeling excited about the work it involved. The sheer joy I would get from knowing I was going to get the opportunity to chop wood and heat the house with my own two hands. I had spent years romanticizing pioneer life. I was obsessed with it from a young age. I read hundreds of books about it.

*Pause for hysterical crying caused by the jolt of reality smacking you in the face.*

After having used this thing for months, I have come to the realization that it's not the warm and sweet situation I had pictured. Allow me to give you a list of Sparrow's Top Ten Reasons That Woodstoves Suck:

But first, let me go add more wood to the fire.

1. I'm going to just put this right out there. I do NOT have the muscles of a lumberjack. Don't get me wrong, I am strong in many ways, but not in the wood chopping way. When I swing an axe, I barely make a mark in a log. If you had to compare the dents in the wood to the tread on a tire, I would fail inspection every time. I JUST SUCK. My muscles are definitely more suited to pushing a vacuum or kneading dough. Therefore, the job I looked so forward to, I have now deemed as Sir's job. He can have it. I will stick with the lady like jobs.

2. Speaking of axes. Let me axe you a question. (hahahaha, puns) Have you ever wielded an honest to goodness axe for the purpose of murdering a log? If you haven't, then you have no idea of the sheer terror it brings. Every time I lift the thing over my head, I feel like I'm going to sink it into the dog's head or my leg. I have zero control over that thing. I watch in wonder as Sir can bring it down with ease and hit his target like he's a freaking marksman. When I watch the wood split like butter on a hot knife, I'm both amazed and angry at him for being so capable. What a jerk. (love you, Sir!)

3. Ashes. Freaking ashes and dust everywhere. I hope you non woodstove people enjoy only having to dust on occasion. I do that shit almost every day. (I allow myself a break on the weekends...sometimes.) That picture above is a joke. No one that owns one of these things has a house that is impeccably dust and debris free.

4. You know that lovely smell of a summer camp fire? You walk out of the woods feeling refreshed, like you have just had an affair with mother nature. It's calming. When you burn wood in your home for heat, you smell like that all the time. Your hair, your clothes, your skin... everything smells like you are existing in a structure that is constantly on fire. Roast a marshmallow over me an call me toast.

5. Back to the cleaning. (I have ocd, this is a huge thing for me..so just deal) I also have to vacuum every day, sometimes multiple times a day. By some magic of nature, every time you handle a piece of wood, chips fly everywhere and stick in the carpet like tiny little needles just waiting to torture you. That shit doesn't always just vacuum up. Sometimes I have to get on my hands and knees and pull the splinters out one by one, the whole time cursing at the stove.

6. Burns. I have scars. SCARS. My beautiful, delicate hands now look like I smelt metal for a living. It's not just my hands. It's my forearms and wrists as well. If I had a superpower, it would be burning myself. I just hope that someday, scars become a trend..cause I would then be super cool.

7. I should have a degree in medicine, or at least in splinter removal. My fingertips have callouses from all the splinter removal surgeries I have performed on myself. Move over tweezers, I'm gonna need a knitting needle.

8. About 99% of people who say they sell 'seasoned firewood' lie. They lie like they are politicians. Do you have any idea what a chore it is to try to burn wood that is even slightly green? DO YOU?!! (sorry, I'm passionate about this.) It nearly takes an act of God to get it to light and stay lit. You have to stand over it, pray, do a ritualistic dance, and offer a blood sacrifice IN HOPES it will work out. And it wont.

9. I'm not going to lie. There IS something calming about being in a room where you hear the crackling wood and feel the warmth of the stove as you snuggle on a couch. Know what's not so calming? Leaving that room and going into a tile bathroom where the heat doesn't reach and putting your warm tuckus on an ice cold toilet seat. Nope. It's about as fun scraping dog poop off of the bottom of a heavily treaded boot.

10. Set it and forget it. If only. As you turn the knob on your thermostat once a day to get that toasty warmth we all want, I'm up constantly putting more wood on, poking around with an iron rod to stir things up, opening and closing dampers, begging it to just stay lit FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY.

All in all, I'm not ungrateful for the woodstove. I actually do appreciate it for the warmth it gives.

But I will never.... NEVER AGAIN...walk into someone's house who has one and say, "oh, you must love using a woodstove! I've always wanted one! How lucky." I will shake their hands in solidarity as I say, "bet you can't wait till winter is over, huh?"

When Love Escapes You Again and Again

Everyone wants to be loved, to love, to have that relationship with another soul that makes you feel like loneliness is a distant bad dream that will never knock at your door again.

But not everyone is ready for it. Not everyone knows what love really looks like. Too many people just want it NOW and will go to any length to try to wrestle it into submission, only to claim a victory that really isn't a victory at all. Love does not happen overnight. We are no longer young children with a limited depth of understanding of what love entails.

This is going to be an honest post. I'm not, by any stretch of the imagination, a love guru. I'm just a human being with flaws like everyone else... but I do know that loving myself first, respecting myself, has put me in a position to love in a very real way and be loved in a very real way.

When you are single, the search for companionship can be come so consuming that it leads to behavior that destroys any possibility of lasting, meaningful relationships. You chase. You present yourself in a way that is not the real you in order to impress another person. You make sacrifices that demean your own values and morals... all for a possibility.

Stop.

Being alone isn't always fun. Sometimes being alone means facing our demons in a way that we don't when we are surrounded by others. It is essential work, though. Taking the time to learn where we are going wrong, what we REALLY want, and learning to be content in our own skin, is all part of building yourself up to be ready to share your heart. Until you do this work, history will repeat itself because you are looking for another person to fulfill that which only you can fulfill.

No one will take you, wonderful you, seriously.. until you can stand up alone, and say for certain that you have your own back.

Someone who is really emotionally ready to settle down does not want to be chased. They don't need that from you. They don't need your validation in order to know that you are the right one for them. They will just know. Chasing someone only makes you look desperate. Desperation causes people to behave in ways that aren't conducive to longevity. It makes us do things that fulfill a want in the present moment. So take a deep breath and know that you don't need to stoop to a level of desperation in order to prove yourself.

It's fun to be fun, but it's not fun to be a play thing. Feel like you are being objectified, sexualized, or that if you don't throw yourself physically at people that you aren't being noticed? Chances are good that you've taught yourself to settle for false affection because you feel it is a better alternative than no affection. The truth in this is that if you willingly offer your body to someone without building an emotional bond, there is no reason for the other person to feel they need to work for you or your love. There is something to be said for waiting. Not only does it show that you value an emotional connection more than a physical one, it shows that you have control over your own self and that in itself is sexy.

Earn trust and wait for another to earn yours. This does not happen quickly. It is the slow passage of time where our behavior speaks for itself in a way that proves that trust has been established. Without this, you are building on a foundation of sand. It will erode quickly with the smallest amount of rain.

Be your own self. Have your own hobbies and interests. No one wants a clone. It is not appealing to meet someone and have them mimic your behavior in order to garner your attention. You not only steal their uniqueness, you send the message that you are also not unique. Two people do not need to be exact replicas in order to work. In fact, a relationship can become quite stale if two people have no space to be different. The saying that opposites attract, can be very true in many ways because it causes an intrigue that might not otherwise be there.

Love is beautiful, there is no doubt. It feels amazing. It feels safe and warm and all of those things that make a person smile inside...

Just remember that loving yourself is the only way to succeed in loving someone else.

A Mama's Letter To Her Daughters

Aria and Akuma,

Two of the loves of my life. I never thought that I would be blessed with one daughter, let alone two. Aria, you came into my life at a time when I was still learning how to adult. (I'm still working on that) Akuma, you came into my life when I least expected it..and with you, your beautiful baby boy. My experiences with how I came to be a mama to you may be different between you, but it matters little. You are both the women of my heart.

There will never be words to describe what it has been like watching you grow into the women you have, but I can try.

Aria, you are my free spirit. You are wind and the water. Unpredictable and given to changes like a little faerie. You float about life on the breeze. You can become a force of nature when needed and that same cool breeze that feels refreshing, can turn into a tempest that can cause the water to rise and create mountains out of waves. You, my child, were born of nature, and it is always apparent. You are my wild child.

Akuma, you are my grounded soul. You are fire and earth. When you came to live with me it took a lot of soul searching to remember the spark that was inside you. I needed only to softly blow on it to keep it from extinguishing until you took it in your own hands and turned it into the fire inside you that you carry now. You are my logical child. You're feet have found the earth and you run, free, on a trail that you are blazing all on your own.

We have been to hell and back together. There were times that our foundation of love was tested, and we only grew to love and respect each other more. You two always talk about how I am your strength, perhaps you don't see that I feel the same about you.

There is a beautiful cycle of loving, nurturing, needing, and providing between the three of us. With all things in life, our relationships phase through this cycle..each of us providing and taking in turn. Just as there have been times when you've needed me to hold your hands and remind you of the mighty women you are, you have done the same for me.

You are my laughter. You two have brought so me so much joy. We have laughed until we couldn't breath. You remind me that even when the world is harsh, there are those that make it a beautiful place to be. I live for the times that we have to share our secrets and our feelings and our desires for our lives. The bonds we share are stronger than the most perfect amalgamation of metals that have formed an unbreakable union.

You two are at a precarious point in your lives. Both twenty years old, and both very much trying to understand where they are going. I see the joy in it...but I also see the fear in it. I see you wanting more, grasping for things that will create your identity on a grand scale. I see when your plates are too full and you are wavering in your steps, precariously, attempting not to spill the 'food' that life has piled on top of it. Sometimes you stumble, but neither of you fall. You may pause, but you do not stop.

You have known heartache. You have watched relationships crumble. You have seen the mean side of the world, and you have come out on the other side to happiness. You have both faced challenges that have proven that you are creatures that will constantly evolve and be reborn into a stronger form of what you were.

Don't forget that you have also known love so deep and moments in your lives where the sun shines so brightly overhead, that shadows don't even exist. These are the moments you cling to. These are the times, that when you stop to think about, will help you remember why you have to continue to grow.

You both have a purpose. You both have worked on living in your truth. I cry tears of pride when I see you succeed in whatever facet of life is challenging you...even when it's a long battle.

I always want you to remember that I am here for you. Whether I am near or far. There is no distance I wouldn't travel to get to you. There is no time when you aren't a priority in my life.

You are my Squishy and my Lovey...and no matter how old you get, I will be your safe place, your soft shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and most of all..your Mama.

I love you.

Disrespecting My Boundaries

Several times a week, I get hit on or propositioned. Yes, I know what a lot of you are thinking... I should feel lucky to have people interested in me. Lucky. I've heard that statement before and it makes my jaw clench. Sitting from where I am, lucky is the last word I would ever use to describe how it feels to have people disrespect not only my physical and emotional space, but also disrespect my Sir by pretending he doesn't exist.

No, I am not flirtatious. What you see is what you get with me. I am honest, outgoing, friendly, and actually rather modest in terms of dress and behavior. I may be loud and funny, but I am not, in any way, ever inappropriate with men. I will give a friendly hug to those that I know. I do not and will not throw myself at the opposite sex, nor do I try to gain their attention. To be quite honest, I've gotten to the point where I always hope that I can enjoy an evening out or even at home without someone hitting on me.

And here's why...

I hate feeling like I am on display. I hate feeling like I need a bubble to live in so that I stop getting touched by hands that have no right to touch me. I hate feeling like people don't respect my relationship status and in turn do not respect my Sir. I hate feeling like I can't be my outgoing self because it might draw the attention of someone who will disrespect me. I hate hearing that someone doesn't care that I am not available when I tell them so.

I just want to enjoy my time with my loved ones and friends and man without feeling like I have to be on high alert. No I am not paranoid. It's become such an issue, that it's pissing me off. I don't want to be told I'm sexy, fine, or anything even close to that.. unless it's coming from my man.

Maybe I'm crazy for wishing that people would actually see that I am so much more than my appearance. Maybe in today's society it's too much to ask that my relationship be respected simply by not trying to place yourself between us.

I don't need the attention of others to know in myself that I am worthwhile. I just don't. That is not a validation that I am seeking from the outside world. I know this without smooth words and actions of others.

People wonder why so many women have a hard time with feeling self conscious. This is a huge reason. It is always apparent that we are being watched. Imagine how it would feel to know that when you walk across a room, eyes are on you, comments are being made, hands are reaching for you, and people are saying things to you directly about your body. I, myself, am not self conscious...but I can certainly see why many women and girls are.

I protect my relationship. Sir and I both do. We both have very strong feelings about trust and dedication. That's something we cherish in one another. I can see how frustrating it is for him to be out with me and still have someone approach me like he doesn't even exist...or that it's just harmless behavior. He's not frustrated with me, he's feeling exactly how I feel when it happens to him, disrespected.

As a musician, it is inevitable that you interact with many many people. You are in the public eye. You attend music events. We all approach each other with recognition and usually respect. On the other hand, it's not uncommon for musicians to also get a lot of unwanted attention. On some level, it goes with the territory. You are placing yourself in the spotlight. Again, where this is a problem is when people don't take 'no' for an answer, people throw themselves at you, or people act like you are purely an aesthetic creature with nothing more to you.

This is most certainly a rant and me rambling.

I just REALLY want to be respected. I want my physical boundaries to be observed without question. I want my relationship to be seen as the commitment it is, instead of a challenge to others whom would seek to pursue their own desires without thought of how it impacts another person.

I don't feel this is asking so much. If you unknowingly and respectfully approach me in a way to show interest and I say to you that I am not available, and you respect that...THANK YOU. Seriously, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. You are a dying breed. Even more special to me are the people in our lives that respect who I am internally, respect my happiness with Sir, and never cross my boundaries because we have mutual respect. Thank you to all of you as well.

I understand that much of the world wants to find that someone special to call their own. I do get it. Just remember that while you are out there looking, it is wrong to disregard another human's boundaries. It is also very wrong to attempt to destroy the foundation of a relationship that is already established between two people who love each other.

Anxiety Lies. I'm Okay and So Are You

I've had problems with anxiety and panic attacks as far back as I can remember. As a small child I feared so much, irrational and scary thoughts pervaded my thinking way more than was normal. I didn't understand it then, I just knew that I felt unsafe a lot of the time.

But I do understand it now...and it makes it no less of a beast of burden.

As humans, we all experience fight or flight at some point in our lives. A scary event happens, we feel unsafe, and our brains start sending messages to all of our major organs and bodily functions. In danger, our body responds this way to protect us. It is healthy and needed. It can preserve our lives and help us respond to danger in a way that is safe. Things like: increased respiration, increased heart rate, sweating, pupil dilation, even the emptying of our stomach, all normal and healthy responses to danger or trauma.

The fight or flight response that we experience in danger is the same thing that is triggered with anxiety. The big difference being that it is not needed. In fact, when these hormones and chemicals are released with no outlet, they trigger a whirlwind of panic. The brain's perceptions have misread a situation and instead of giving us all the energy we need to make it through something dangerous, we are now left with a slew of scary physical and mental responses, and energy that turns into agitation.

Some people have panic attacks that are brought on by irrational fears. Others have generalized anxiety, an underlying sense of anxiety that is present much of the time and doesn't always have a trigger. Either way, it is an emotional condition that can cause so much upheaval, that it disrupts one's life in tremendous ways if left untreated.

Clinical descriptions aside, anxiety lies to us and makes us believe terrible things are about to happen when they really aren't. On a personal note, I hate it.

I consider myself mostly rational and capable of dealing with life in a very healthy way. Anxiety makes me doubt that. Full blown panic attacks leave me sobbing and begging for help. The internal dialogue that runs through my mind is nothing short of terrifying. The same advice I've given to others, the same techniques I have taught others... seem impossible to cling to.

I feel like a helpless infant unable to control or care for myself.

But it's not true. I CAN care for myself. I CAN control myself. I just need to remember that and stop fueling the anxiety by believing the lies it is telling me. Sometimes just reaching out to someone I deem safe and saying, 'I'm scared, help me' is enough to bring me back to a point of being able to be more rational.

I used to be so ashamed of my anxiety that I would hide it and isolate from the world because I felt like I was weak for what I was feeling. In doing so, I actually perpetuated a cycle of more anxiety.

As with many things in life, the art of letting go is so crucial in getting through this. The more we fight it, the more we feed it. Although it seems counterproductive to not fight the scary monster, it isn't. The more we struggle, the more chemicals our adrenal glands dump into our bodies, feeding the fight or flight response.

What has proven to work for people who are experiencing anxiety is a mixture of positive self talk, calculated breathing, and focusing on something that forces you to get out of your own head.

Sounds easy, right? It isn't. I can't even begin to lie and say it is. I still struggle with this myself. I sometimes have the freak out first and then resort to these techniques...when in reality, I need to use these techniques at the first sign of anxiety.

But I'm not perfect and neither are you. It's okay. We are our own worst enemies sometimes.

So for my own sake and hopefully yours or someone you love, I am sharing a list of things to do in the event of a panic attack.

-Tell yourself calmly, "I am safe. There is no danger. My mind is playing tricks on me and I recognize that."
- Remind yourself that fighting will only make the panic attack worse and last longer.
- Use the 4,7,8 breathing technique. Inhale a breath through your nose for four seconds, hold for eight  seconds, release as a wooshing sound through your mouth for eight seconds. Repeat.
- Employ guided meditation. Youtube offers a wide variety of guided meditation tracks to listen to. Trying to meditate without someone's voice guiding you may be hard to do during panic. Simply do a search for 'guided meditation for panic' and find one that you can use often enough that it confuses your brain into an immediate state of relaxing.
-Remove yourself to a quiet area and reduce external stimulation
-Use a focus object to touch or look at to try to place your attention elsewhere.
-Have a safe person/people. Someone you can go to when you feel you need outside help. Someone that knows your specific triggers for anxiety, negative thought patterns, and knows what words or actions can help calm you down.
-Remind yourself that panic is temporary and will go away. This can be hard to believe when you are fighting it.

If you are someone who knows someone with anxiety, make it a priority to learn the steps above so that you can help them. Do not say things to pressure or demean someone. Statements like, 'just be rational and get over it' will do nothing but make a person feel worse and will result in them feeling shameful and weak for a situation that they didn't ask for.

Life can hard. We all have different 'demons' that we fight. Always try to remember that it doesn't make you less of a person. We have to learn to adapt and accept. We also need to remember that anxiety isn't a battle that is unique to us. Many experience it and share your struggle. I am always here for anyone if you just reach out to me.

Love Keeps Us Alive

There are people who crave solitude. They do best with large amounts of alone time, isolated in their own little space, alone with their thoughts, and content to live that way.

There are some of us who struggle with isolation. It is not an option we would readily choose.

The ability to be alone in your own skin is important. We will all have times where it isn't an option, and it is healthy to know how to find peace in those situations. But what about when it's imbalanced? What happens when we are so isolated, we feel cut off from the world as a whole?

Babies who are neglected and who do not have human interaction will often develop Failure To Thrive. This is telling when we look at the reality of lack of touch, attention, and love. Their weight drops, head circumference growth slows down considerably, and overall growth and development can become so delayed that it can cause death or permanent disability.

Our brains are hardwired for us to be social creatures.

There is a vast difference between chosen periods of solitude and isolation. One can feel rewarding and refreshing, while the other can leave us vulnerable to depression and the manifestation of physical/emotional degradation.

Human contact releases oxytocin. The same hormone that is released during pregnancy and causes that immediate bond between mother and child. Often dubbed the love hormone, oxytocin is also found to be elevated during times of emotional and sexual interactions with others. It can lower anxiety, boost our immune system, and improve our own emotional stability.

My daughter and I developed a hug routine when she was younger. We would stop and take time to give tight, meaningful hugs throughout the day. When I was single, I remember the actual effect of it on my overall sense of self. It grounded me, it reminded me that I was loved, it made me laugh or feel instantly happier, it made me feel back in touch with the rest of the world, and could instantly change my outlook on the day.

When we are depressed, it is sometimes a natural inclination to isolate, when in fact it is the worst choice we can make. It is at this time that we need human interaction more than any other time. This is also why so many social workers encourage family members to stay involved in the treatment of those with depression. There is a very real psychological function involved.

I struggle with feelings of isolation. When my time alone is imbalanced, I become sad and anxious. Sometimes I have the sense enough to seek out another person. Other times, I disappear in it. Not necessarily by choice, but because I am too sad or tired to reach out or say what I need. These are also the times when my self doubt is strongest, I question where I am at in life and if I am making the right choices, and I cave to the untruth that I am not loved.

We need to have empathy enough to notice this in others and to reach out to them. Not in an invasive way, but in a way that gently brings the person back to reality. We need to foster strong emotional and physical ties with our children, friends, and lovers. It is imperative to every single person alive.

If you find someone you love withdrawing...chances are they are suffering from a lack of attachment to you. Either you are neglecting the relationship by choice or outside forces stand in the way of quality time with them. Whatever the reason, we have to make the important changes necessary to nurture every human relationship or they will crumble due to lack of attachment.

Hug someone today. Sit and make time to show that you are present and invested.

We are still just newborns, seeking out comfort...and we always will be.

When Human Emotions Betray You

The word defensive is defined as this:

1. Used or intended to defend or protect
2. Very anxious to challenge or avoid criticism.

It is a feeling that is important on a primal level. We sense danger, our defenses take over to protect us. This is needed in very real, life threatening situations. When it is less ideal, or even dangerous to our well being, is when defensive behavior is a knee jerk reaction to others on an emotional level.

Why are some people defensive? This can be broken down into three main categories.
1. You are deeply invested in a moral or value and feel that someone is challenging that belief system.
2. Stress. Every emotion is elevated during times of stress. Defensiveness is no different. Stress causes us to
    feel as though we are on high alert.
3. You have been deeply hurt in the past and defensiveness has become an automatic response to perceived
     threats of emotional pain.

So why is this so bad?

A defensive nature stops effective communication in it's tracks. It is impossible to have a healthy dialogue when either party is approaching it in a defensive way. They have already perceived you as a threat, and therefore have effectively shut down any chance of hearing the true meaning or intent of your words. Being defensive on impulse can ruin relationships of many types.

Being on the defense robs us of our ability to have joy in the moment. When we fill our heads with negative expectations and thoughts, it steals the ability to be able to feel true happiness at any given time. The negative dialogue in our heads manifests itself in a way that puts us on edge. As you know, when you are anxious or on edge, it is hard to relax and be in the moment freely.

Probably the most invasive way defensiveness hurts us is it keeps the negative feelings of self and others on a constant loop. We can never reach the full potential of a relationship with others when we subconsciously view them as a threat. We can never feel good enough if we feel we are being judged or misunderstood in a negative way. Any chance of developing a good self worth is thwarted by the past behaviors of others that treated you in a way that made you feel inferior, dumb, worthless, or any other emotion that is the negative result of being mistreated.

How do we effectively change our thinking?

1. STOP- When you feel yourself getting offended, defensive, misunderstood... STOP yourself from
    responding and take a moment to analyze whether or not you are acting on impulse or if the person is
    truly trying to hurt you. After taking the time to think, respond appropriately.

2. Stop caring so much about how others perceive you.
    This may seem impossible, but it isn't, I assure you. Start to look at yourself as the person you want others
    to see, and they will see it. When you approach someone with a sour look, defensive body language, or
    even defensive words.. you are sending the message that you can't be reached emotionally. Few people
    want to interact with someone who responds negatively all the time or someone who has made them
    feel as though you think of them as an enemy of sorts.

3. Stop living in the past hurt and treat people who care for you in a way that is not associated with dealing
    with people who have hurt you. It is unfair to anyone in your life to automatically compare them to a
     person who caused you pain. Realize that we have all experienced hurt at the hands or words of someone
    else. This does not mean that you have to go on high alert and treat everyone in the present as a potential
    threat. Evaluate behavior and learn to see goodness.

As the quote above says, you can't move forward if you are defensive. You will stay stuck in a rut of negativity and anxiety. That is not living. That is merely existing. Existing does not foster growth. We need
to live and change to grow...and sometimes the biggest growth comes from learning how to stop the negativity that we feed within ourselves.

You are no longer a victim. You are strong. You are better than what others led you to believe.

You are whole and wonderful just as you are. The sooner you believe it, the sooner you will see that others believe it about you too.

Is Your Emotional Bank Out Of Funds?

Relationships, whether they are romantic, familial, or friendly, all require investments from two people. There is a delicate balance of depositing and withdrawing from both parties. But what happens when that becomes unbalanced and your emotional investment is no longer being reciprocated? When is it time to close down the revolving account and say, 'no more'?

Much of our behavior is dictated by gain. In nearly every situation, we need to ask ourselves what our motive is. What is making us behave in any certain way? When we do that, we usually find that we are behaving in a certain way because there is something that is to be gained by it. These gains can be things like: admiration, material objects, love, safety, friendship, time...the list goes on and on. Even if we aren't aware of our own motives, they are there. Even when giving to charity, there is a deep sense of goodness in ourselves. That is still a gain. It's not a bad thing, it's just how we work in most instances.

When you find yourself in a relationship where there is an imbalance of giving and taking, it feels wrong... and it is wrong. Relationships that are one sided will not last. It is a simple fact. Just like continuously withdrawing money from an account without replacing funds, a person who is constantly giving without reciprocation will become tapped out. Their balance will eventually hit zero or become overdrawn, and they will have nothing more to give.

Some people live in the overdrawn state for a very long time before they finally say, 'enough'. You can usually spot these relationships. One party looks happy and fulfilled, and the giving party looks tired, resigned, sad, and often angry at the situation. Sometimes, we don't see the imbalance as something we are contributing to and we become resentful of the other person.

For our own sake of well being, it is important to spot these situations and either try to mutually correct them or to close the bank and walk away with your self investment still intact.

We often hear about loving without condition. Sometimes, unconditionally loving someone is the act of letting go. Especially in situations where there is imbalance. It's the act of setting the intention that you wish to part from them before you hit a state of resentment and anger. It's knowing that sometimes, the best intentions just aren't enough to fill both of your emotional needs. It's not giving up, it's recognizing that the two of you are not able to progress further because your wants and needs are vastly different.

There are people in your life that may want to invest and just don't know how. This is one of the reasons we hear phrases like, 'men are clueless'. It saddens me when I hear one gender demean another gender in such ways. Typically, it's not about being clueless as much as it is about lack of open communication. An expectation that another person will automatically know all of our wants and needs in that relationship. Before deciding to close down your emotional bank account, it's important to ask yourself if YOU are being fair in doing so. Have you given the other person a fair chance at knowing what kind of deposits are assets to your emotional bank balance? If not, they may simply not know how.

On the other token, there are people that are like money hungry vultures. They will come into your life quickly and swoop in to take over and steal from you in every way possible. They are the people that only seek to gain and never reciprocate. Many narcissistic people fall into this category. It's the people that use the word 'me' or 'I' when it comes to communication. It is important to be aware of these people, because victimization will happen even with the best intentions on your part.

Knowing when to let go is important...in all things. There's a time to fight for something and there is a time to withdraw...even when it hurts.

If you do not keep your emotional bank account in the positive, it will take a toll on you in every way. Surround yourself with others who want to nurture you as much as you want to nurture them. Communicate your wants and needs, clearly, so that they have the fair opportunity to reciprocate. Cut ties with vultures who only seek to gain.

Most importantly, learn how to fill your own emotional bank account so that you aren't completely dependent on others to do it for you. It will make your relationships much more balanced from the beginning.