Those who know me are aware of my ridiculous lack of attention span for movies. It drives my husband crazy that I don't become invested in them...even the good ones. Case in point, I am a huge Harry Potter fan (the books more than the movies...but Harry Potter junkies know what I mean when I say we will take any HP material that comes our way) but walked right out of the premier of one of the movies. It was a hot day, the air conditioning in the theater was broken, and I just don't care enough about ANY movie to sit shoulder to shoulder with strangers while they perspire on me. Not even a little bit.
The other day, I sat through Jurassic World. Thankfully I also had delicious food in front of me to help me stay rooted in my chair. (Don't judge me...with a family as large as ours, take out is a commodity)
Side note: I just realize how much I go off on tangents. Seriously brain, slow the hell down and stop telling me that I need to vomit every word and thought ever right onto my blog all at once.
Carrying on.
This movie was, to put it nicely, a cheesetastic piece of unbelievable garbage. Yeah yeah, I get it, suspend disbelief, Terralyn. NO. I will stay grounded in reality where I know for a fact that I could never run... through a jungle...chased by dinosaurs... in high heels...for an entire day. I can't run on a good day, let alone in heels. I'd be the girl ripping those shoes off and getting stabby with them.
Here is a top five things I learned from this movie:
1. In the event that you are being chased by a dinosaur, soak yourself in gasoline to mask your human scent.
Really? Yes, let's douse ourselves in a flammable liquid that will not only make you a human torch at any given moment but will also give you chemical burns. Ever tried to walk comfortably with chub rub? You know..when your fat thighs rub together so much it creates a rash. Maybe you don't know that life, but I do. It sucks. There is no way in hell that dumping a noxious chemical all over your body could make it possible to run. You'd be crying for a medic within two minutes.
2. Blazers, propped ever so delicately over the shoulders, will stay on indefinitely.
First of all, who the hell wears a blazer in the jungle? Secondly, I've never understood the concept of draping a jacket over my shoulders. Put that shit on or take it off. The whole time you are wearing that, I'm secretly watching and waiting for it to fall off only for you to readjust it again. See those two things called arms? Put them in the damn sleeves and wear a coat like the good lord intended...otherwise wear a cape. Just own your desire to feel like a superhero and wear a damn cape. If coats were meant to be worn like that, THEY WOULDN'T HAVE ARMS. You aren't cute, you're a menace to society.
3. Imprinting apparently works on all species.
You know what this means? As soon as I start a go fund me page (cause apparently you can do that for any reason under the sun) and raise enough money, I'm buying myself a pack of cute baby hippos. You know, one of the deadliest animals in the world. I'm doing it. I'm gonna raise those water pigs from infancy and they will become my friends for life. I will ride them down the road and everyone that knows me will say, "That Terralyn, she knows how science works. She has her own pack of majestic hippos....sigh...I wish I could be like her."
4. Leaving your children all alone in a park full of predators with foot long teeth is just fine.
Please don't ask me to watch your children. Jurassic World taught me that I can let your children wander off into a zoo with all sorts of animals just waiting to taste your flesh, and that they will be just fine in the end. It doesn't matter if kids are curious and do stupid things because they have no impulse control. It doesn't matter that trouble seems to find them. It doesn't matter that their brain says, "hey kid, stick your hand into that lion's cage and pet them. Don't they look soft?" It's fine. We need to lay off the reins and stop being helicopter parents. The next time I hear you tell your child 'no' when they ask to wander off into a jungle alone, I'm going to judge you so hard.
5. If you are a woman in peril, your clothes will artfully tear and stay stain free. Your hair will remain adorably coiffed and your makeup will still look fabulous. Also, heels never break.
HOLY SHIT people! As if women don't have to live up to absurd beauty standards as it is?! Now I have to feel bad if I'm being chased by dinosaurs and my eyeliner melts in the heat of the moment? What's that? I will still be thinking about making out with a capable man while I'm surrounded by flying killers? Let's be honest. I have really big boobs. My shirts often double as a napkin for shit that flies out of my mouth (no matter how careful I am) and lands right on my boobs. If I can't make it through one meal without destroying my clothing, how do you expect me to make it through a dinosaur chase where I'm running for my life? The actress pulled it off. Me? At the end of the day, I would be lucky if I still had one sock left. Every tried to run through the brambles of a jungle? Me either, but I imagine it feels like trying to escape a prison surrounded by razor wire. Your clothes aren't going to remain intact...and likely you wont either.
This is part of why movies are hard for me. I'm judgy. I am so so judgy when it comes to visual media. I am that person that screams at the helpless female on screen, running towards a killer because she apparently has lost her ability to tell where her body is at in space and time and can't see his huge figure walking slowly with a glinting knife raised in the air.
I should just stick to books.
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