Being Held Hostage

Physical abuse is easy to identify in a relationship with another person. There are clear cut signs of it. Physical abuse is acting out aggressively and an intention to do harm.

Something that is less talked about is the act of holding someone emotionally hostage. It is not always apparent. There are no outward physical signs that indicate it. Yet it is just as dangerous and destructive as physical abuse. It's the act of using words and feelings to undermine a person's ability to think for themselves, make positive decisions for themselves, and walk away from a negative situation. It leaves a person feeling trapped and hopeless. It also causes a person to feel responsible for the captor to a degree that they will make poor choices and endure negativity...just to keep them happy. An abuser will trivialize your needs and wants at every turn, making them more important or the most important.

Here's the truth. No amount of suffering on your part will ever make another person truly happy. At the root of this type of abuse, the captor is self loathing and destructive. You are merely a distraction from that. You are also allowing them to steal your power because they feel powerless over their own emotions.

Some things a captor may say to their hostage:
If you leave me, I will die.
If you don't give me your undivided attention, I'm devastated.
You are the ONLY one who understands me.
You are the ONLY person I can relate to.
I hurt myself because you hurt my feelings.
I gave up (insert anything) for you.

Someone who uses emotions for personal gain often makes the other person feel special. They play a game of building you up..only to use it as a reason that you have no right to walk away from them. They will often speak in ultimatums. Relationships with this type of dysfunction often become very isolating because the abuser will attempt to cut everyone else out of your life so that you rely on them.

How do you safely walk away from relationships like this?

The first step is to evaluate your boundaries. What are you willing and unwilling to allow in a relationship? What is healthy and unhealthy? Are your beliefs skewed from the abuse?

Seek help. Talk to people you can trust and share your concerns. If you can see a counselor, you should. They will help you to take a look at the relationship from all angles. Help you become more aware of the negative patterns you have created and give you the tools to break the cycle. They will also be a tremendous support when you leave the relationship.

Plan. Start making plans of how to end the relationship safely and what you will need to do to start fresh. Having a plan in place will empower you to not resort to going back into the negative situation.

Cut ties. You owe NO ONE any amount of your power and happiness. For any reason. No matter how long you've been together, been friends, or been family members.. there is no amount of dedicated time that makes you responsible to stay in the relationship if it is hurting you. If there are children involved, it is that much more important to separate yourself and loved ones from the abuser.

Find your power. Take time to discover your own sense of power and love for yourself before venturing in to new relationships. Continue to lay out personal boundaries and remind yourself of them often, this is new, you need to make it a habit and teach yourself to think in a new way.

There is no good time to leave an abusive relationship. Whether you do it now or five years from now, it will be hard. Waiting only weakens your resolve and your sense of self. Do not allow yourself to be held hostage by anyone in your life, for any reason. You deserve happiness and health in relationships.

If you need help and don't know where to reach out for it:
thehotline.org
1.800.799.7233