Fake It Till You Make It

I've been faced with situations this past year that have pushed me to my limits. Times when I've been so down, that I could literally go no lower. We've all had these moments in life, they are not unique to me, nor would I imply that they are.

There were times in that pit that I remember thinking I had to make a move. I had to do something to get back up and get out of the darkness. Even if, in some sick way, the darkness became comforting. I knew it was not living or for the living.

I had heard the phrase 'fake it till you make it'.. many times in my life. I never subscribed to that logic. How could one possibly fake happiness until it became a reality? But I knew I had to try anything to find a light again.

It started with me forcing myself to go places, even though inside, I hated the thought and it made me anxious to interact with new people. I knew I had to do it. So I put on a smile and I went. I met new people. I watched people. In the beginning, my interactions with them were surface at best. I was still a closed off room, but it served it's purpose. I eventually met people that I felt safe enough to open the door to a little bit. I talked through the gap. I kept them at a very safe distance from my heart. Down the road, I opened the door and let a few people in my head space. It was terrifying..but I knew I wanted to feel closer and they had proved that they deserved more than just a surface me.

I began to transcend into a new reality.

I was no longer faking it. I had made it.

I started to utilize this skill in many areas of my life. I knew that if I gave my intention to the universe, I would make it happen. And I did.

This is really just another form of resiliency. It's not dishonest. It's not a way to trick people. It is a tool that allowed me to push through the toughest moments in my time on this Earth.

Here's my reality. I am no different than any of you. There are days that are full of happiness, laughter, beauty, a sense of something tremendous. But, I also still have times where none of that matters in the moment because my sadness becomes so acute that it pushes the wonderful away.

But only for a time. Not forever. I don't stay there anymore. To stay there means dying inside. It means giving up. I'm not hardwired to give up. I can't.



*This is not a way to make people who are suicidal or clinically depressed, feel like less. I need to say that. There are circumstances where people need help to find their light again. That's OK! We are all dealt a different hand in life. You play yours how you need to to get the most out of this existence. This is just what has worked for me. *