Three Months

Charlie,

It's been three months since the last time I held your face in my hands and said, 'goodbye.'

Three months since I've heard you say my name. 

Three months since we said, "I love you."

Three, very long, very hard and painful months.

I'm sad right now. It comes in waves when I least expect it. Like a tsunami of grief that can't be contained, even when I try my best. It's consuming. It brings me to a place of sheer sorrow and the only way I climb out is by digging...again. 

And I fucking do it. I fucking dig my way out of that dark place, again and again. I have no other choice. 

Christ, it's tiring sometimes and I'm so thankful for the hand that sometimes reaches down and helps me climb out. 

The hands that you knew would. The people you gave to me that remind me, every single day, that I'm not alone in this. Your family. Your friends. The good ones. The angels that have swooped in and shielded me with an unspeakable love. 

In all of this, it's this blessing from you that reminds me to find light in all of the darkness that is the loss of you in this world. 

You knew I would need them. You knew they would come through. And they have, in more ways than you could have hoped for me. 

Maybe someday I will stop counting time. That is not this day. This day is still tremendously hard and I relive our last moments on this date, every month and more. 

I am alive. I am thriving. I am pushing myself in ways that you always encouraged me to. 

I just wish you were around still to smile at the beauty of it. Even if from a distance. 

I love you. I always will. I miss you. I always will. I've accepted this. And those that matter most, understand the whys and hows. 

I'm still floating here, in the waves..watching the moon wax and wane as time passes.