Rebirth

Imagine spending your whole life feeling disassociated from your body. Looking in the mirror is confusing because the way you imagine yourself does not align with what you really see in the mirror. Hearing your voice on a recording makes you cringe because your internal voice is much different.

Imagine that putting on clothing was painful, that it made you angry and sad.

Imagine feeling as though you want to end your life because the feeling of hatred towards your physical self is so strong that it's emotionally chipping away at your want to exist.

Imagine fearing seeing yourself naked. That every time you got dressed or undressed, it made you cry.

Imagine being born with a name that you are so disassociated from that when others call it, you don't hear it.

Imagine fearing you will lose everyone in your life that you love if you tell them that you are going through this.

Imagine seeing the sexual organs that you were born with and considering mutilating yourself to change them or because you hate them so much.

Imagine feeling like you are going insane. That you are trapped in a body and mind that plays tricks on you at every turn. You feel that your own thoughts will cause you to take your life or make you incapable of living a happy and fulfilling life.

Imagine feeling unworthy of love or respect, because you are different.

Think about those things for a few minutes, the depth of the words I wrote.

I have had the pleasure of getting to know several people who are transgender. Although their appearance is always unique to the individual, their stories all share the common bonds that I mentioned above.

 Before the realization that they have been born into the wrong body takes hold, these are their struggles. These thoughts start at a young age, before a child has learned how to cope and how to seek help for their thoughts and feelings. These feelings only intensify as a child grows, as puberty sets in and their bodies change. As they grow, the self hatred grows as well. Until it becomes all encompassing. Menial tasks, school, relationships, grooming, communicating...all become so difficult, that they literally start to shut down both emotionally and physically.

There are two words that begin to be a running theme in their minds. Hate and confusion. Those two words are turned inward. They are able to see the beauty in everyone else but themselves. They are intelligent people, yet the confusion that they feel is so rampant that it becomes a prison.

Now, imagine if you will, that you have an epiphany. That you FINALLY understand why, you finally have a name to the evil that has plagued you all of your life. Yet, that knowing sometimes gets you nowhere because you are afraid of losing the people that you love. You are afraid of being hurt or murdered because you are "different" from what society deems normal. You are afraid that no one could ever love and accept you or want to touch you because who you are makes people treat you like you have a disease. And when people aren't treating you like you will make them sick, they are studying you and deconstructing you as to figure you out.

This is the very real situation that many people who are transgender are facing. They are waiting for their "rebirth". They want to live the truth that has been spoken to them. Yet they feel trapped. They can see the key to unlocking the chains that bind them, yet it's just out of reach.

Sometimes, they just need someone's hand to hold to show them they are not alone, that they will be protected. Sometimes, they need someone's hand to take the key and unlock it. Sometimes, they need to hear, "you are safe, you are loved, you are allowed to be yourself, and you deserve to live."

Your hands, your heart, and your kindness are not meant to be used for only you...please remember that you have the ability to change a person's life...simply by offering yourself to them.


The sculpture shown above was created by Dylan Guest. All credit goes to him for the artwork.

Inquisitive Minds and Transgender Topics

We all know that I am pretty much an open book. So much so that I can make people really uncomfortable without even trying. I've seen and experienced a lot in my lifetime and it's made me very open minded and aware of the good and bad in the world. It's not shocking to me that people come to me with lots of questions about my daughter who is....gasp....

TRANSGENDER (disclaimer: I asked her permission to write about this)

Some have been very open minded about it, some have done everything they can to learn what this means and how to respond appropriately. Then there are some who just can't be bothered to take the time to understand it better. These are the people that often do things that leave my mouth hanging open in shock or sucking air through my teeth in anger. I try to be patient, always.. but let's face it, some people can't contain themselves. They think what they have to say or ask is more important than considering feelings or etiquette. Here are some of the "fun" situations and questions my family has experienced.

Is she going to/has she had "the surgery"?? (I was asked this question among a group of complete strangers at a birthday party...loudly, and too many other times to count)

 Let's get this right out there..not everyone who is transgender wants or can have surgeries. That's right, plural. There is not a singular surgery that can reassign sexual organs or change the physical appearance to suit the person. The cost is monumental, the stress on the body is monumental, the psychological toll can be monumental. Sex organs do NOT equal gender. Yes, some people feel a very strong need to change their physical body..and that is ok. Other's do not. Gender is what your brain tells you. It is not a penis or a vagina.

Remember when Aria was (former birth name)? 

I can't and won't write that name. Her name is Aria. Do I remember Aria's childhood? Oh my, yes!!! Some of the best memories of my life!! She's not the Artist Formerly Known As Prince! She is Aria..let's keep it simple folks. If a person changes their name, there is a damn good reason for it. You should respect that without question. I changed my maiden name when I got married.. interestingly enough, no one ever says, "remember when you were Terralyn Austin?"

Wait, so that means that she's gay or lesbian? I'm so confused! What IS she?

She's Aria! Why does sexual orientation change who she is? Guess what folks, you can be transgender AND be straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual, and all of the other TONS of orientations there are. You are not limited by your gender. Remember..two very different things. Sexual orientation is NOT gender. Your sexual orientation does not define you..If your name is Sue and you happen to be a lesbian. I'm just going to call you "Sue"... not, the lesbian. 

She's wearing sweat pants. Doesn't that mean she isn't really a girl? 

Last time I checked, lots of women wear sweat pants and other clothing that isn't super feminine. Let me get this straight, because she is transgender she must always wear a dress, heels, and makeup?? If she or anyone else wants to dress like that..it's perfectly fine. But if she or you don't..guess what..it's perfectly fine. Clothes do not define gender. That's a stupid thing that society has done. I'm no more a woman if I wear a tuxedo than a dress. Cause my brain still tells me what gender I am despite what I am wearing.

Are you sure it isn't a phase?

Ohhhhhh, I see...a phase that has lasted her entire life. Yes, a 2 year old that tells me she wishes she was a girl or hides a dress under her clothes in school is surely going through a phase. A 17 year phase. People who are transgender don't take this lightly. Would you choose to live a life of being picked on, set apart, and have virtually no rights that the rest of the world has??? Think about this one for a moment. Lots of people question things in their lifetime. It's normal. But KNOWING you were labeled the wrong gender is not a phase. It's an intuitive, innate feeling that can't be questioned. One may try to ignore it, but it's always there.

It's only fair that she outs herself to people. Everyone has the right to know.

No they don't. Unless she chooses to share that information or has given permission for someone to share that information..no one needs to know. Also, no one has the right to do that to anyone. She is a woman, her brain and heart tell her she is a woman..so she is. Furthermore, she was born a female. Just because the sex organs didn't align does not negate that. 

How do I treat her?

How do you want to be treated???? With respect, love, honesty, caring, and all those other wonderful ways that humans should treat humans..without question. Being a person who is transgender does not make you special. It is not a disability that requires special attention or care. She is perfectly healthy. 

It's ok if I forget to use the correct pronouns..we all make mistakes.

Accidents happen when a person first comes to the understanding that they are transgender. It can be difficult for everyone in their life to remember to use the correct pronoun. That does not mean it is OK to do so repeatedly, or to ignore it. If it happens, you apologize and you do your best to practice the right pronoun so that it becomes habit. OR, you stop using he, she, her, him. Some people have no preferred pronoun. The best way to go about this is to ask in private what their preferred pronoun is, or make it a habit to try not to use them at all. I know this sounds crazy. We are so ingrained to use pronouns that are gender based. Give it a thought...it's not too hard to change your vernacular. Also, once a person has established a pronoun preference, you use it when talking about the past, present, and future. 

Here is what's ok. It's ok to ask questions in private only if you ask yourself, "would I ask anyone else these questions?" Would you ask someone about there sex organs? Would you ask someone if they plan on having breast augmentation or plastic surgery? Are those questions essential to my relationship with this person?

 My daughter is my daughter. She is Aria. She is all the wonderful parts that make up Aria. This holds true for every human being on Earth. They are who they are..gender is a tiny part of them. So let's all stop making it a huge issue. The sooner we do that, the sooner it will be easier for the world to accept it without prejudice.