I know this looks like a harmless little can opener. Don't be fooled. This thing has the ability to cause catastrophic failure not only in the kitchen, but in a marriage as well.
We moved into our own home about four months ago. Before that we shared a house with our friend who had everything to furnish a kitchen already. So we never had to worry about things like buying utensils or appliances. So excited were we to furnish our own home! The possibilities were endless! Picking out flatware was fun! Picking out dishes was great! Picking out a nice set of pots and pans...fantastic!! When it came to buying a can opener.....we clashed.
Suddenly my husband became a miser. I grew up with an electric can opener. Oh the ease! No struggling or fighting or breaking your wrist trying to get into a can of spaghettios with meatballs. (Wait, did I just admit my love of that bad bad processed food? You're damn right I did! That's stuff's like liquid gold!) At any rate, my husband fought me tooth and nail on buying an electric can opener. He grew up with the old crank style (read: torture device) and would be damned, DAMNED if he was going to spend money on an electric one. I bit the bullet and told him that was fine, but he was opening every single can in this house and I would not use it. He agreed and accepted my terms. He was smug. So smug. You would think he just won an argument in a presidential debate. He drove to the dollar store and bought a manual can opener.
This was all well and good, for about a week. One day while he was working I had to open a can. (Yes of spaghettios...with meatballs....leave me the hell alone!) I latched onto that can ,starving, mouth watering, ready to dig into them with the hunger of a bear after hibernating. The damn thing wouldn't crank. It wouldn't budge. I called Kendrick and so sweetly told him that he better hightail his way home for lunch and open the damn can. He did, and ready to prove me wrong latched onto the can with it...looked at me smugly...then attempted to twist it. HA! It didn't budge. I will spare you the details but let's just say he ended up opening the can with a knife.
You would think that after this he would agree to my first notion with the electric can opener. No. He went to the grocery store and paid eight dollars for a "better" can opener. Upon the first use of that it literally snapped in half and was rendered useless. Cue more carving of cans with a knife.
We went to Walmart..and lo and behold we perused the electric can openers and I lifted one off the shelf like it was the holy grail. It was only nine dollars! A dollar more than his last purchase! He looked a little ashamed at this..but i was so happy about it I wasn't going to shame him by doing the 'I Told You So Dance'.
Life with an electric can opener was splendid. The whirring sound was so sweet to my ears. I was whipping out canned goods like I was working on an assembly line. Until the night my husband sabotaged it. I walked into the kitchen hearing sickly sounds from my beloved appliance and saw him trying to open a huge can of pineapple juice with it.
R.I.P. can opener. I swear to never replace you with a manual one.
And to Kendrick....I've got your number. You lay hands on the next one I get and you will be opening cans with knives till the day we die.
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