I have no appropriate pic for this entry...sorry but I highly doubt anyone wants a pic to follow up that title. And if you do....you are on the wrong site. This is not redtube. (now you are all either wondering why the hell I know about that site or you are searching google for it. Or maybe you are already a fan of it. Hey,whatever floats your boat.) Let's face it..we are all adults here. I've seen a few things in my time. (yeah a few, that's it. Buying that?)
Anyways, my initial thought when doing this blog was not to talk about porn. It was to address what I like to call, "Unnecessary Groping." My husband is guilty of this each and every day. Now I hear all you bleeding hearts reading this thinking I should be grateful that Kendrick loves me so much and is attracted to me so much. To this I say, you've never lived with a groper. Nope, don't believe you have because if you have, you would understand me one hundred percent.
When you live with a groper there is no safe way to sit, lie on the couch, walk through the house, stand up, do the dishes, cook, tie your shoes, you aren't safe ANYWHERE! Why? Because a groper is eyeing you like a piece of candy ALL the time. You know that song, It Always Feels Like Somebody's Watching Me. It's no wonder when I was younger it freaked me out. It was a premonition about my future.
A true groper does not discriminate against clothing. Why? Because they can find something sexy about any clothing. As a fat girl I don't consider wearing leggings appropriate. No one including me wants to see my fat rolls and dimply skin under clothes so tight it looks like puppies wrestling under a blanket. It's just plain tacky. I'd rather the whole world see me naked then that yuckiness. You know who thinks that sexy? My groping husband. I am being dead (maybe too) honest right now. I am plagued by this crap everyday and it's time for some therapeutic venting! If you don't like..skip to the next entry.
A seasoned groper is adept at picturing you in ANY situation with any given pose you might be in. They have a movie theater worth of images they can flip through with the speed of a pitbull on crack. You are laying on the couch reading a damn good book and he will look at you and make a movie of every bad thing he wants to do in his head in five seconds flat. Then they move over to where you are and start groping (read: bothering) you like it's what you were implying. You heard me right.. let's move on to the next topic:
A true groper believes you are sending them subtle messages. Laying on the couch, covered in a blanket, reading a book.... and I pop a leg out of the blanket and put my foot on the back of the couch to stretch. Yep, that's what I want..a stretch. In the groper's mind it's, "she is arching her back, and straddling the couch, and kicking off the blanket to show me her legs." "I know what's on her mind....oh yeahhh." Except, you freak, that is not whats on mind! I simply was stretching while I was SO wrapped up in my book. In fact, at that moment..you didn't exist! This room didn't exist! I AM READING CONTENTLY!!!
There's no convincing him otherwise.
Some days I wake up and feel gross and unattractive. I must be terribly wrong. I am a porn star! All day long I am moving with the grace of a gazelle. I am sweating sexuality out of my pours. Yeah.....that's right......
Just ask my husband.
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