Cpap Shmeepap

I was diagnosed with Central Sleep Apnea this year. Apparently my brain is too stupid to tell my body it is NOT acceptable to shut down while sleeping. I like to refer to it as my body going into hibernation...but the doctor informed me I was not a bear and that unlike bears who can live like this for a whole season, if I ignored it it would probably cause major health problems as time went on.
Before I got this wonderful (note sarcasm) machine I had to go through two sleep studies. They were a fucking joy I tell ya. Ever try to sleep when you are hooked up to fifty wires and probes? I nearly got strangled rolling over in bed during the study. Then there is the fact that you are being video recorded and there is a mic in your room so the tech can hear your every move. My biggest fear was I was going to fart (or pass gas for the weak of heart) loudly or start doing something inappropriate in my sleep. Don't judge..I am a vivid dreamer! Needless to say, I got through it and the tech never indicated that I turned into a porn star while I was sleeping.
Cue the CPAP. The doctor claimed I would sleep better, feel rested, lose weight...blah blah blah. Regardless of the amazing claims I knew I had to force myself to wear this monstrosity because I have an issue with dying.
First issue I have with it is the sheer fact that it's annoying as hell on your face and I look like something out of a sci fi movie with it on. Seriously? How does one look sexy with this contraption. You DON'T. All the makeup and lace in the world would not make it sexier. Truth is..I look like the alien from predator. Add to that the fact that I sound like Darth Vader when I try to talk. Getting turned on aren't you?
Has this device changed my life dramatically? No. Do I sleep sounder? Yes. I don't have to like it though. And I'm sure as shit not getting any skinnier.