Regardless of how the two people feel about each other in the end, there is a poisonous side effect of this behavior that is potent and harmful when a child is involved. It is called parent alienation, and it's happening in epidemic proportions.
It is silently encouraged by a broken court system that still gives mothers more rights than fathers due to outdated beliefs about gender roles and out of date laws regarding them between a father and a mother. To say this doesn't happen to mothers would be a lie. It is important to note though, that statistically, the problem is more likely to happen to a father.
Parent Alienation is defined as this:
The process, and the result, of the psychological manipulation of a child into showing unwarranted fear, disrespect or hostility towards a parent and/or other family members. It is a distinctive and widespread form of psychological abuse and family violence—towards both the child and the rejected family members—that occurs almost exclusively in association with family separation or divorce. (as cited by wikipedia)
Did you read all of that? I'm hoping you did. I'm also hoping that you caught the part about it being a widespread form of abuse against children and parents.
I have encountered this on so many occasions through both professional and personal interactions with families. Every time I encounter it, I see the same devastating, harmful impact it has on them. For the sake of this blog, I will focus primarily on the impacts of this on a child.
When a parent demeans another parent, limits contact with a child, takes them away from the other parent, or in any way.. takes a childs ability away have a healthy loving relationship with the other parent, they are abusing their child. Period. Unless it is a proven fact that the alienated parent is harmful for a child due to being abusive, there is no reason a child should be denied the human right to not be a pawn in a sick game of power that results in them losing a key person in their lives and social development.
Parent Alienation Syndrome is a very real problem among children who are put in this position. Although more aptly called a type of relationship dysfunction rather than a mental illness, it is still proven to cause long lasting trauma and social dysfunction in a child.
When one parent treats and coaches a child in a way that causes them to have a false set of beliefs about another parent, it is manipulation on a deeply psychological level.
When one parent moves their children away and cuts off all or most contact with a child's other parent, they are choosing to treat their children as objects rather than the human beings they are.
All of this for power. Abusing their children for their own ego's sake. Ruining the chances of healthy relationships with others because they want to prove a point to their ex and will stop at nothing to do so.
If we, as a parent, manipulate our children into false sets of beliefs about the world around them and the people in it, we stunt their growth as individuals and give them a very warped perception of how to interact with others.
Children in this situation often develop anger problems, physical ailments, depression, and severe anxiety.. because they are battling that voice in their head that tells them whats real. It is an all out war, internally, between the core want of the love of two parents and the programming that has been used to tell them it's wrong to want that.
Why are we allowing this to happen? Sitting silently with our hands folded in our laps while the legal system and bitter, unhealthy parents essentially rape the minds of children. How can we, as loving humans, watch this unfold and not acknowledge it for what it is? Child abuse.
No, we may not have the power to completely change a broken court system...but we do have the power to start talking about this openly. We have the ability to impact one person's life by just being aware of it and sharing information like this to those who are experiencing it or are actively involved in alienating their child from another parent.
It's time to start calling this out. It's time to say, "I see this and I will not stand for it." It's time to show children that they deserve more respect than what they have been shown. It's time to give them their power back as individuals that have a deep want at their core to only be loved and love their parents without influence and lies.
I trust that you would not stand by silently as a parent physically beat their child. Make the choice to not stay quiet about psychological abuse as well. Be a voice for a child when they are being silenced by fear of backlash and disappointment.
To those of you going through this.. my heart aches for you and your babies. I have encountered this too many times to not see the horrible ways it eats at you until depression becomes a very real problem. I ask you, as a parent, to keep fighting...tirelessly..to make it right. Not just for your own sake, but for your child's as well. You both deserve much more.
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