Narcissism: It's More Than Just Vanity

Self love is good, right?

Yes it is. It absolutely is. Self worth and esteem are very important factors that dictate, in many ways, how we interact with the rest of the world. A positive self image can do wonders to push us towards being happy and successful people.

For the sake of clarification, I am not referring to a positive self image in this entry. 

The word narcissist gets thrown around a lot. Unfortunately, most people don't understand the real meaning behind it. Just like the overuse of saying 'OCD', when we use real mental health diagnoses as cute little catch phrases, people become numb to the reality of what they really are and how harmful they can be to those that suffer from these disorders and those that interact with someone with mental health issues. 

Narcissism is more than meets the eye. It's more than even being stuck on yourself. It is a personality disorder. A very real, very pervasive disorder.

Many people don't even know when they are in a relationship with someone who has this disorder, which, in itself, is dangerous. A relationship of this type is hugely dysfunctional and often abusive. A narcissist who's ego is not stroked just right becomes angry and volatile. They lack empathy/concern for others. When you combine a volatile temper with lack of empathy, the result can be catastrophic to another person. It can lead to verbal, physical, and emotional abuse. It creates a cycle of codependency. It diminishes the person that is stuck in a narcissist's web to the point of losing their own sense of self. 

Narcissists often come off as being extremely witty and charming. They know exactly how to behave in front of others, when it suits their wants. They like to be the center of attention and are good at holding an audience's attention. They often make up stories of success to appear more favorable to others. A key word to remember is exaggeration. Their heightened sense of their own greatness is exaggerated in every way. They are the best at this and that, they helped so and so, they claim responsibility for another's success. You name it, they will tell you they can and probably have succeeded at it.

Although a narcissist is pretty capable of feeding their own ego, that is not enough. Mental health workers often use the term 'narcissistic fueling' to define the very distinct behavior that a narcissist requires in a relationship. This can look as harmless as needing to hear that they are better than others, smarter than others, that no one can live up to their level of importance in your life... the list of how to fuel a narcissistic fire is long and involved but it's not the action of fueling the fire that is the most dangerous. It is the inaction or refusal to fuel their fire that ends in them behaving in ways that will ultimately hurt another person.

You don't feed their ego, you pay for it...and you pay dearly.

Common retaliatory behavior of a narcissist may be things like:

The silent treatment

Belittling

Cheating

Hurting people that you love in order to hurt you

Physical aggression

Threats of abandonment

Reminders of your own mistakes or weaknesses

Essentially, if you refuse to fuel a narcissist's fire, the goal of the narcissist will be to make you feel like or appear to others to be the lowest common denominator, worthless, wrong, weak, and stupid. 

Narcissists use a technique called gaslighting, quite frequently. This is when they behave in a way to make you question your own self assurance, memory, and motive. Many people submit during an argument with them because it becomes so overwhelming and confusing that they simply feel like they are losing their grip on what is sane and real. Submission is exactly what they want and it is another way to fuel their fire when they aren't getting the results they want from you. 

The reason I feel it important to educate others on this personality disorder is to raise awareness. Abuse from a narcissistic person does not always resemble what many perceive as typical abuse, but it is, none the less. It is through knowledge that we can be empowered. Even if you are not in a relationship with a narcissist, this knowledge may allow you to help a loved one who is. 

Personality disorders in large are very hard to treat and have low success rates. No, this does not mean things are hopeless in every instance. I am pointing that out so that you understand how dangerous and real this is and also to remind you that if you know someone who has this disorder,

YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME AND YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR FIXING IT. 

Self preservation is key here. Please know that you need to put yourself first.