Are You a Nag?

Definition of nag:

to annoy by persistent faultfinding, complaints, or demands

to keep in a state of troubled awareness or anxiety, as a recurrent pain or problem

to find fault or complain in an irritating, wearisome, or relentless manner

At some point in our lives, we have all been guilty of nagging. Whether it be a spouse, partner, child, coworker, or friend..at some point, someone's been on the receiving end of poorly directed frustration. It happens from time to time to the best of us. But what starts out as an isolated incident can turn into a negative habit that is so pervasive, that it can completely ruin relationships and have long lasting consequences.

Whether you are a spouse who constantly berates your partner for not helping around the house or a parent who bullies their child (nagging truly is a form of bullying) because they aren't meeting your expectations, it's important to understand the mechanics of this behavior. 

The whys- A person who nags generally can relate to one or more of the following:
1. The person you are nagging is not living up to your expectations. Reasonable or unreasonable, we often have very clear expectations of what we expect from others. 
2. You have poor methods of communication.
3. Your relationship is lacking boundaries and rules, or lacks consistent discipline.
4. Your sense of self is poor, therefore you want to seem in control.
5. You are over extending yourself and not asking for help before you fall apart.
6. You have, at some point, had the result you wanted from your negative means of communication.
7. You are hyper focused on the negative things in your relationships.
8. You are not addressing issues as they happen and are waiting until you are past the point of efficient dialogue.
9. You feel you are not heard and acknowledged. 

What happens to to the person who is being nagged? 
1. They learn to correlate communication with negativity and guilt.
2. They shut down. Often a person who is being nagged truly doesn't hear you because they've learned to tune you out to avoid the negative feelings that will occur.
3. They often match your anger or frustration with their own, causing a power struggle or escalating the situation.
4. They lose trust in you, stop confiding in you, avoid you, and learn to avoid feelings.
5. They don't know where they stand with you, so their behavior often becomes erratic and unpredictable.
6. They feel poorly about themselves because they know they are constantly letting you down.
7. They learn a cycle of negative communication that crosses over into other relationships.
8. They learn to expect and look for the negatives instead of the positives. 
9. They don't know when or how to properly express themselves or express problems because they haven't been taught to or they are afraid to.

These reactions ultimately lead to a tremendous breakdown in a relationship if they are not addressed and processed. I have witnessed romantic relationships crumble. I have seen children who begin to isolate and fear adult interaction because they are distrusting. 

Breaking the habit of nagging can prove to be a challenge. It becomes so ingrained that it often becomes the first reaction to a situation. Learning the reasons why you nag is the first step to overcoming this knee jerk reaction. It is important to begin focusing on your own intentions and feelings in order to understand why you nag. 

Repair your relationships by candidly talking to the person involved about your behavior. Apologize and come up with a plan about how you will handle frustrating situations. It is good practice to recognize the triggers and learn to step away for a moment to compose yourself and come up with a way to handle it. If you slip up, apologize again and start over. It will take practice.

If your child or children do not follow directions, understand that this is due to your parenting techniques. Boundaries, follow through, and discipline are taught...by you. By nagging them, you are ignoring the bigger problem of why they are misbehaving. 

Know your partner's strengths and weaknesses. Often times in relationships, we assume that our partner knows what we want and will act accordingly. Make it a habit to talk about your wants and needs, and listen to theirs. People are more willing to understand you when you take the time to understand them. 

In any relationship, it is important to look for the positives. The more you do this, the more inconsequential the negatives seem. There will always be disagreements and moments of unhappiness in relationships, but if you have laid a foundation of positivity, you will be able to build on that. Negativity is a weak foundation to any relationship and will crack and fall apart easily.