Leaving The Nest

Tonight, a friend asked us if we wanted to go on a couples vacation with her and her boyfriend in September.

My first thought (as always) was.. my daughter.

For nearly eighteen years, all of my decision making has been based on what her needs are.

Then reality slapped me hard across the face, reminding me that she will be in college..and I immediately felt lost. I realized I had no reason to NOT go on a vacation. Yet I couldn't bring myself to say yes to the offer. I was so overwhelmed in that single moment, that I couldn't possibly make a choice without thinking about her first.

What if there was an emergency and I was far away?
What if she was sad and I wasn't near enough to pick her up from school and comfort her?
What if she ran out of money and needed food?

What if......

Do I know how to exist in a capacity that isn't tied to mothering? Have I lost my identity and sense of adventure because I have lived for her happiness and her needs?

I'm wrestling with these thoughts. The logical and reasonable part of me knows that it's healthy for her to move on from the shelter of my arms. To experience HER life, to find HER path, to live in a way that is free and full of purpose. I know this.

The emotional part of me never wants to let her get too far away...and it's fear based. I know better than to think that I can protect her from life by just keeping her safe in my nest. I know that's unhealthy. I know I need to let go.

It's just..so very hard. The hardest thing I've ever faced.

And I'm so sad. I will have to go days without her hugs. I wont get to do our silly things that we do almost every day. Mostly, I wont get to look in her eyes and see if she's truly happy or not..at any given moment.

A few weeks ago, she and I had a conversation about my feelings about her going to college.
Her: Mama, if you could keep me here forever, would you?
Me: Honestly? Yes... You are my baby. You will always be my baby.
Her: Do you think that's healthy?
Me: No! I know better. I know you need to live your life and that you have to learn to take care of yourself.
Her: I'm excited and scared at the same time.
Me: Do you think that's healthy?
Her: Yes.. yes I do.

And she's right.

I think back to when she was an infant. How there were some nights that she was sleepless..and thinking, "how many nights can I do this before I can't do it anymore?" I got through it, all moms do.

Funny that I'm feeling the same way right now. How will I get through this? I just keep reminding myself of the long weeks of sleepless nights...

I'll get through it. All moms do.