Gifts From The Universe

Today we were driving through the city and Kendrick and I both saw an elderly woman..bent over completely, trying to manage grocery bags. As I drove by, I watched a man walk right around her as if she was invisible and we looked at each other as we often do and turned around to help.

Kendrick gets out and approaches her, asking if we could give her a ride somewhere and she looks at him as though she is frightened. I tell him to show her his badge so that she will understand she can trust us and as soon as she saw it she became animated, explaining she has been robbed before and was scared.

We get her in the car where it's warm and I ask where she wants to go. She can't even look up and make eye contact because her back wont allow her to sit up that straight..and she says, "I take the bus as far as I can and I walk home the four miles from there."

My heart immediately breaks. She woman is all of ninety years old, and she's walking that far in the snow and cold.

"You point the way and we will get you home where it's warm" is all I can muster at that moment.

Little did we know that she lived 15 miles out into the country.

After a few minutes of silence, she starts talking about where she's from, her childhood, her neighbors..the landscape and how it's changed over the years. She tells me a story about how when she was a child she had nine cows and two calves. She showed me where she used to run with them...miles of land that she covered on her feet. How she used to find it funny when the calves would get lost and she felt like it was an adventure trying to get them home.

She pointed out homes and told us who lived there, how they died, who lives there now. How Joe built this barn and sold it. Richard used to have a huge herd of cattle but then he moved away. The fire department used to be here..and if you look..you can see my house on a clear day through the trees.

I was transported back through time to her youth..and I could picture her running over the hills chasing her cows without a care in the world. I could see her square dancing with her community in the hall that she pointed out and I smile to myself as if I am reliving her memories with her. I felt the joy in her stories, the kinship with her community, the love of the land.

When we arrive at her house it becomes clear that there is no driveway or sidewalk. Just a hill covered in snow and ice. In it you can see the trail she's left. Deep footprints line the way, on the right side of each footprint is a hole from her cane, on the left, a hand print showing the effort that it takes to climb the hill to her door.

I ask her if I can give her our phone numbers to keep so that if she needs help again, she can call us. She looks at me sweetly from the side and says, "yes."

"My name is Alice. Spelled like A-lice." I giggle at her joke and tell her that I was so happy to meet her and thanks for the stories along the way. She looks at her hands and smiles..the sweetest smile.

Kendrick helps her out...and as if she was made of glass, he leads her to her door. Holding her bags and her hands. I fall in love with him again, like I have hundreds of times since we've been together.

Half way up the hill she stops and turns around. Stands up as tall as she can and yells to me, "Bye, Terralyn!" Waving enthusiastically. As if I was a friend. Not someone she just met.

In that moment, I realize that my initial feeling of pity for her has been replaced by pride in her. She is not a fragile old woman. She is strong. She has survived for over ninety years in the country..and still has the energy to keep going, to be involved in the community, and to share stories of times past with those who will listen.

Thank you, Alice.

What's Inside

You say there's a monster inside you..
A vicious, evil entity..
devouring you from the inside out.
It awakens at night
It clouds your vision
It lies to you
Takes the warmth out of the air and leaves you breathless with fear

But I know,
A perfect shell such as yours
Could never harbor such darkness

Your spirit is a bright, white light
Emanating from within

It's been chained from the hurt
You're afraid to free it
Because you've shared your light before
And those around you sought to dampen it...put it out

It's still there...
Softly pulsing within you
Waiting to be free
Waiting to consume you
Wanting to illuminate your world
Wake up your senses

You only have to open your heart and release it

The light within you will drive back the dark
It will guide your steps
Heal your open wounds
And allow you to see the hands that are waiting to hold yours

My love,
You've no need to fear what's inside you
You only need to let it out
Bask in it
And when it's grown strong enough

Share it with the world.

I Am Fat, You Are Skinny...We Are Humans

Everywhere I turn I am made aware of the importance that society places on a human being's size.

If you are too heavy it's disgusting, if you are too skinny..it's disgusting. Not only are people outspoken about this, they feel it's OK to judge, laugh, ridicule, and point out our physical differences.

Clearly, not much has changed in the world of media. That's a given. Who I am referring to are everyday people. You, me, the people that make up our families and communities. These are the people that are overtly attacking others based on their outward appearance.

I saw a video on Facebook today that was two bigger women dancing. This was posted for the sake of humor. Look at the fat girls dancing! Let's all laugh about the fact that these two women love their bodies enough to dance openly. Let's laugh about the fact that they embrace their size and are proud of their bodies.

On the flip side. I see posts about women who's hip bones show. How it's disgusting and sickening. Thigh gap is a dirty word. Being a size 2 is gross...and they need to eat more.

So what's right? There is NO right. There is no size that is wrong.

Beauty is not about specifics. What is beautiful to you may not be beautiful to another. That does not mean that it is OK on any level to judge or demean a person based on your own preferences. Furthermore, I would challenge any person to take a look inside to see what makes them want to pick on someone at all.

Being skinny, average, or heavy does not change the integral part of a person. They still have a heart and feelings. They are not immune to hurtful words or acts of bullying from other people.

Social networking has created a sense of entitlement. It is easy for people to sit behind a computer and mock others. Yet I would venture to guess, that if you were in a real life situation similar to what you are posting, you would not have the audacity to loudly mock a person. It's "safe" to do this on platforms that are internet based because there is little retaliation. That does not make it right or OK. You are still referring to someone's family, child, friend, wife, husband..they are real people with real lives.. and you are being demeaning for your own benefit. What is that benefit? How does it serve you?

A bigger question. How does your behavior serve human kind?

This, to me, is no different than discrimination based on race, gender, sexual orientation, disabilities, religion..and all the other things that make us unique. You are simply picking out one thing that makes a person different from you and exploiting it.

For some, loving their outer shell does not come easy. They struggle every single day to find an ounce of pride in their body. Dysfunctional eating and body dysmorphia are very real problems. As are things like self harm. Your words can help or harm. It is your choice. You can choose whether to embrace the uniqueness of each human, or you can set yourself apart and live in a very small world.

Despite what your choice is, remember..words are powerful. What you say can cause someone to love themselves a little more or hate themselves a little more.

Photo credit: This is a photo my daughter took of herself. It was a moment of pride at a time when she was struggling to find her happiness. This was her response to bullies.

Being Held Hostage

Physical abuse is easy to identify in a relationship with another person. There are clear cut signs of it. Physical abuse is acting out aggressively and an intention to do harm.

Something that is less talked about is the act of holding someone emotionally hostage. It is not always apparent. There are no outward physical signs that indicate it. Yet it is just as dangerous and destructive as physical abuse. It's the act of using words and feelings to undermine a person's ability to think for themselves, make positive decisions for themselves, and walk away from a negative situation. It leaves a person feeling trapped and hopeless. It also causes a person to feel responsible for the captor to a degree that they will make poor choices and endure negativity...just to keep them happy. An abuser will trivialize your needs and wants at every turn, making them more important or the most important.

Here's the truth. No amount of suffering on your part will ever make another person truly happy. At the root of this type of abuse, the captor is self loathing and destructive. You are merely a distraction from that. You are also allowing them to steal your power because they feel powerless over their own emotions.

Some things a captor may say to their hostage:
If you leave me, I will die.
If you don't give me your undivided attention, I'm devastated.
You are the ONLY one who understands me.
You are the ONLY person I can relate to.
I hurt myself because you hurt my feelings.
I gave up (insert anything) for you.

Someone who uses emotions for personal gain often makes the other person feel special. They play a game of building you up..only to use it as a reason that you have no right to walk away from them. They will often speak in ultimatums. Relationships with this type of dysfunction often become very isolating because the abuser will attempt to cut everyone else out of your life so that you rely on them.

How do you safely walk away from relationships like this?

The first step is to evaluate your boundaries. What are you willing and unwilling to allow in a relationship? What is healthy and unhealthy? Are your beliefs skewed from the abuse?

Seek help. Talk to people you can trust and share your concerns. If you can see a counselor, you should. They will help you to take a look at the relationship from all angles. Help you become more aware of the negative patterns you have created and give you the tools to break the cycle. They will also be a tremendous support when you leave the relationship.

Plan. Start making plans of how to end the relationship safely and what you will need to do to start fresh. Having a plan in place will empower you to not resort to going back into the negative situation.

Cut ties. You owe NO ONE any amount of your power and happiness. For any reason. No matter how long you've been together, been friends, or been family members.. there is no amount of dedicated time that makes you responsible to stay in the relationship if it is hurting you. If there are children involved, it is that much more important to separate yourself and loved ones from the abuser.

Find your power. Take time to discover your own sense of power and love for yourself before venturing in to new relationships. Continue to lay out personal boundaries and remind yourself of them often, this is new, you need to make it a habit and teach yourself to think in a new way.

There is no good time to leave an abusive relationship. Whether you do it now or five years from now, it will be hard. Waiting only weakens your resolve and your sense of self. Do not allow yourself to be held hostage by anyone in your life, for any reason. You deserve happiness and health in relationships.

If you need help and don't know where to reach out for it:
thehotline.org
1.800.799.7233

Resiliency-The Most Important Thing You'll Ever Learn

Something I often say to people who are going through a difficult time is, "You are either a victim or a survivor, you choose which."

I think one of the greatest gifts in this life is the ability to choose our own path. There are so many things in life that our out of our realm of control. The one thing you can choose is how you respond to these things. The good and the bad, how we respond can make us or break us.

Growing up in a home full of dysfunction and abuse, I realized early on that although I was stuck there, (being a child) that I could control how I responded to the situations. This is not to say it made them any less horrific..please don't misunderstand me. But, knowing that I could respond how I wanted to..gave me back my power.

This is true for almost everything that happens in our lifetime.
Bad relationship
Illness
Broken hearts
Employment or unemployment
Money Matters
Social interactions
Family interactions
Loss

The list goes on and on.. we are surrounded by events that will play out without our consent.

How do you create a sense of resiliency within yourself and your children? This trait lies within all of us, it's just a matter of seeing it for what it is and building on it.

1. Discover the power of being a positive person. If your immediate reaction to a situation is to acknowledge the negative, you will only focus on the negative. In every situation that is hard, there is some way to find the positive. It sometimes feels unnatural to do this...but it works. Resiliency means being adaptive. When you take the time to focus on the positive..you will realize that the negative is only short lived. Being negative not only robs you of enjoyment in life, it steals your energy. You need all of your energy to get through the tough times.

2. Embrace changes! You've heard the old saying, "when one door is closed...." It's true. Learning to accept changes opens your world up for branching out and discovering new things. Linear thinking may be good for things like math, but life is full of paths and branches off in many different directions. Finding yourself stuck and then refusing to embrace a change means you might be missing out on some awesome things down another path.

3. Develop problem solving skills and use them frequently. Whenever a new problem is at hand, make a list of potential ways you can solve it. Give yourself opportunities to work through problems that are easy and gradually face the bigger ones. Seek outside help if you simply do not know how to solve a problem. Therapists can be great tools to help you build your problem solving skills.

4. Learn to adapt. Sometimes we simply cannot change a situation. This is true of chronic illness and other situations that we have absolutely no ability to stop. Learning to adapt is one of the most important things you can do at times like this. Instead of asking yourself, "how can I still live my life with this 'thing'?" Ask yourself, "How can I make this thing work with my life?" Do not give up your power over your life, adapt. Understand that changes may be necessary and learn to make them.

5. Set boundaries for yourself. Sometimes this means eliminating negative relationships. Sometimes this means understanding your challenges and strengths and acting accordingly. Being resilient also means knowing your strengths and weaknesses and using them in everyday life to be the best you can be. Being an over achiever often leads to frustration and resentment. Do what you CAN and do it with a happy heart. If you can do extra..it's a bonus. It's OK to say, "this is what I am capable of at this moment." Understand that your abilities may change..adapt when that happens.

6. Nurture yourself!! Having a rough day? Relax, pamper yourself, get extra sleep, decline offers to do more. Keep your power by not over extending yourself. People who are constantly saying "yes" to doing more often find themselves frustrated. This goes back to knowing your limits and setting boundaries.

7. Develop a strong social network. Although chatting with a friend will not make problems go away, it allows you to unload some of the burden so that you can carry on. Surround yourself with people who are positive and strive to nurture their own lives and the lives of those they love. In moments of hardship, it is important to have support.

8. Learn to love yourself. No amount of changing your physical appearance will change what's inside you. Learn to love this part of you first..the rest will fall in line.

9. See changes as progression. It is important to keep moving forward. The bad thing that may have happened may be the fuel to push you to a greater cause. With every hard event, we build on our ability to overcome more and more. They help us learn who we are and who we don't want to be.

Young People For The Win!

 I was asked to be on a panel for the Youth Summit. I never considered the impact it would have on me.. I knew I was expected to go in and talk about how bullying has affected my family, and share with the teens our own personal story about the struggles we've gone through as a result of having a daughter who is transgender.

What I didn't realize, was that I would walk away feeling a sense of renewed pride in the younger generation.

Ninety students are chosen from neighboring schools to take part in this summit. The purpose is to raise awareness of problems like bullying..and to have the students organize and plan ways to get involved in their communities and personal lives to make positive change. The students are not chosen based on status, grades, race, or any other qualifier. They are chosen because they have expressed a desire to be a part of a group who is seeking ways to make our communities, schools, and homes..better places for everyone.

Before the panel discussion began, I was able to sit in the back and watch these young minds brainstorm together about the social problems they see and experience.

Several things that I was a bit shocked to discover:
Administration and adults are often encouraging bullying and/or bullying people
There is still a tremendous amount of self imposed racial segregation. There is little to no education offered to students to encourage mixing of races and cultures to improve interaction with one another.
There is no education about gender issues, sexual orientation issues, and how to handle them or understand them.
Students often feel they have hit a dead end when trying to speak out about injustice. Despite the "zero tolerance" policy most schools have put into place, there is little follow through and consequence for bullying behavior.

These factors were disturbing to me. I have experienced them through my daughter's high school career, but I almost felt as though what she went through was more of an isolated incident. Sad to find out that it is much more prevalent than I thought. I'm a believer that much needs to be taught at home. The fact is, we are no longer part of a society where that always occurs, whether it's due to parent's working or just an overall lack of important dialogue in the home. I also feel that schools have been forced to follow a curriculum based on what will show on standardized testing..this leaves little room for abstract education. This is a failure on a grand scale.

On to the positive...

Above all, the thing I was most impressed with was the desire among these kids to create a stronger sense of community where each person feels a sense of responsibility to their peers.

So encouraging!

While I was supposed to be there to share my own personal experiences, I was overcome with the need to praise them, bolster them, and encourage them for being a generation of people that can see past the racial, religious, cultural, sexual, gender, and physical boundaries and hold a strong conviction that we all deserve to be treated equally.

This gives me so much hope for the future. To think that the younger generation is more apt to see past the things that really don't matter. To know that equality isn't a question of want or who...it just is.

I am excited to see the changes that will take place as they get older and become adults who stand united in the belief that we are all people..despite the differences on the outside.

The Monster Without a Face

This week has been one of shittiest weeks I've had in a long time. (I'm not going to sugar coat) This post is meant to be therapeutic for me. I feel the incredible urge to try to find some positive when I feel myself slipping into a negative space. If I can educate or inform anyone via this post..then it makes my pain worth it.

I have lived with this monster called RSD since November of 2011. Since then, there has not been one day that I have not had some level of pain. At the beginning, I thought I was going to lose my mind from it. It was new and scary and I had not developed the coping skills to manage it. In the three years since, I have learned to try to adapt, accept, cry when I need to, yell when I need to, and most of all.. allow myself to understand the importance of knowing that even though I may be in serious pain in this moment..the next moment offers hope that it will be less pain. It keeps me going and helps me not feel the foreverness of being in pain.

I'm not feeling strong today..or yesterday. The cold has been crippling for me. I have not been out of my house more than a couple times a week since the winter set in and it's making me feel like a prisoner. One step into the cold air and I am overtaken by a pain so immense that it feels like I'm being hit with a sledgehammer. Layering clothes has not helped, in fact..it's a double edged sword. I long for summer where I don't have fabric touching my leg causing it to feel like I am being electrocuted. Yet, if I don't layer socks..my foot and ankle get so cold that I can't walk without feeling like they are going to explode. Simple activities like walking upstairs to use the restroom feel like a chore..and I will literally put it off till I can't anymore. Standing at the stove to cook a meal for my family is nearly impossible and I am forced to use a stool while I cook.

More than anything, I just miss the normalcy of everyday life as I knew it. I miss going for hikes with my husband. I miss being playful in a physical way. I miss walking through a store and am always so embarrassed to use a wheelchair, but the alternative is severe pain and swelling for hours. I miss so much because I have to plan, adapt, and sometimes just say it's not a possibility without consequences.

Why am I telling you this? It's humbling and embarrassing for me. But, I feel it needs to be said.

Chronic pain is silent. Those who suffer from it are often misunderstood because you can't always see it. A staggering 86% of people who live with it suffer from depression. Latest scientific studies show that the suicide rate of those who suffer from chronic pain is now 30%. That means three out of ten people will end their lives to end the cycle of pain.

Although I am not suicidal..I can definitely say I understand getting stuck in the scary feeling that you will feel intense pain every single day of your life. Fortunately, I've learned to view pain as less and more. Some days I will have less, and that..keeps me from giving up. I hold onto that knowledge and I can say keep going. For some, that is not enough. Pain can be so blinding, it can steal one's ability to see past it.

There is no single part of a persons life that isn't affected by living with chronic pain. It can ruin friendships, marriages, and all manner of interpersonal relationships. It can leave people in poverty due to the inability to work. It causes other health problems due to the stress it causes emotionally and physically. In short, chronic pain has tendrils that can worm their way inside every part of your life.

How can you and I help others who suffer from some form of chronic pain? It's so important that we all educate ourselves on this topic. You could be the person that someone reaches out to, and knowing what to do or not do could mean they will reach out again..possibly at a time where they are considering ending their life.

1. Listen- sometimes we just need to cry and have what appears to be a meltdown. Someone may sound hopeless and sad..just listen. Just hold them. Let them say all the dark things that they hold in their minds.

2. Know when to act and when not to act- if a person is actively suicidal, please do not ignore that. If a person is just needing to release, understand that there is not really anything you need to do besides just be there for them. Don't feel helpless that you can't fix the situation. Don't offer a million suggestions and home remedies. A person who truly suffers from chronic pain has probably tried everything they can to get away from the pain. It only serves to frustrate them more having to explain it all to you.

3. Understand that a person may not vocalize that they are in pain. Look for silent cues like wincing, stopping, scowling, grimacing, holding a body part, breathing deeply or gasping, teeth clenching or grinding. If you see this happening, give them a moment and gently ask if you can help. If they say no, stay with them until they can move on.

4. Understand that they may have physical limitations. Just because you may not see a cast or an outward sign that they are in pain does not mean it's not there. If you see a person using a wheelchair, don't assume that because you can't see what's wrong..that they are lazy. Same goes for handicapped parking. Know that there will be things that are hard for them to do or that may cause their pain to worsen. So if they decline, do not take it personally. Do not tell them they just need to push through it.

5. Understand if a person who is in pain seems touchy or moody. They are trying their best to manage their own feelings. They may be feeling anxious and sad, it is not your fault. Sometimes patience is hard in these situations. If you find yourself losing patience, then take a break. Don't take it out on them...allow for apologies when they can. This does not give the person the right to walk all over your feelings, please, tell them that you are hurt..but know that nine times out of ten, their bad mood has nothing at all to do with you.

6. Educate yourself on the cause of your loved one's chronic pain. Ask them what triggers worse pain for them. Ask them what helps it. Ask them what you can do to help and what not to do. If there is a disease that is causing the pain, research it.

7. Know your own limitations. If you can't help or understand, do not get involved and create frustration for the both of you.

8. Find ways to adapt your plans so that you can involve your loved one in a way that makes it possible for them. One of the hardest things is to watch your family or friends carry on and leave you behind. Although it's not always possible every time, please..try your best to do this frequently.

9. Understand that there may be periods of time when your loved one may feel the need to isolate or withdraw. It's not out of hurt or anger towards you. Sometimes, it's important for us to sleep more, get out of our own heads and reality by doing something mindless like video games. Honestly, sometimes we withdraw because we feel we are hindering others from doing what they really want to do..and we don't want to be a millstone.

Thanks for reading this if you've made it this far. You've made my crappy couple of days worth it because I now know you are armed with some information that can help someone.

Tomorrow is a new day and it holds the possibility of less pain. To that, I say..I am thankful.

Respect

The image above is known as the thin blue line. Police officers wear this badge with pride. It denotes the fine line between good and bad. The blue line represents the men and women who put their hearts and souls and  lives into their work. The blue line separates good and evil...or in translation, police officers are the defense that protects the rest of us from those who would seek to harm us, our family and loved ones, our property, and all that encompasses.

I have witnessed, first hand, the comradery between the men and women who serve as law enforcement. It is a bond that is not easily shaken. They will stand side by side in solidarity to uphold what is right and fight against what is wrong.

I am married to a police officer. I know the insane hours they work, the sickening situations they are involved in, the heart wrenching scenarios, the dangerous moments, and the memorable moments that have shaped their lives. I've spent hours awake, wringing my hands with worry..knowing my husband was on a call where there were weapons involved and that he and his comrade's lives were at risk. I've sat by the phone all night, just waiting to hear that they all were OK. I've cried when I knew he was going to miss a special family event because somewhere, someone needed help more than I needed to have him home to celebrate a birthday.

But they continue to go back for every shift. It isn't for the pay or the glamour. These people choose this profession because there is a part of them that is called to it. They feel a strong sense of community and duty to their fellow person. They put their lives on the line every time they suit up and hit the streets..all because the drive to protect others is so strong.

As with all professions. There are a few who have no place in law enforcement. They abuse their power. They abuse people. Law enforcement is not unique in that sense. In any situation, you will have someone who's personal gain drives them to make terrible choices.

I have noticed a rise (or maybe I started paying attention more) in demeaning comments and jokes aimed at law enforcement. Some of these comments are fueled from tragic events involving a "bad egg". Some of the jokes are made because a person got a ticket...and now they are bitter and feel it's OK to disrespect police officers. The media focuses on the situations that will get the most publicity and yet, ignore the thousands of officers who are doing good and positive things in our communities.

I take offense to these types of things. Not only because I stand firm in the belief that stereotyping is harmful as a whole, but because I have experienced what most police officers really stand for. Justice, equality, safety, security..to name a few things. They will risk their own lives to save a person they have never met. That's more than I can say many of us would do when faced with a situation like that.

I just want to take a moment to thank all of you who proudly earned your place in law enforcement. You are the first people to be called on in an emergency and the first people to be demeaned for doing a job that most wouldn't have the capacity to do.

I also want to challenge the rest of you to really think about what being a police officer entails. Think of all the scary and dangerous scenarios that you can....and that is what they face. Think about what you would do in a situation where your family's lives were at risk, who would you call on? Go beyond that and think about that officer's personal life. Most of them have families and loved ones of their own..who want them home safe.

Please consider things like this before negatively speaking of the very people who live to serve and protect you and yours.

I'm a Big Girl Now

Shhhhh...I don't want to say this too loud..but...

I'm sleeping through the night!!

You heard that correctly, for two weeks straight. I don't know what happened to change the sleeping pattern suddenly. After four years of trying everything I could to get on a normal schedule, I really thought I was a vampire.

It's not all sunshine and lollipops like I was expecting it to be. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to be sleeping. It's just that...there are some things that I need to get used to.

1. Feeling tired at nine pm. When I say tired, I don't mean an occasional yawn and rubbing of the eyes. I mean, I start feeling like a grumpy toddler at nap time. I can't stop thinking about climbing into my warm bed and letting sleep take over.

2. The days are long. Seriously! Being thrust back into the land of the living has been difficult! The first week I spent checking the clock because I was sure that time was standing still. I found myself saying things like, "what do people do for so many hours in one stretch?" "I just cleaned and vacuumed and only one hour passed! Now what?!"

3. I have more time to curse the weather. I'm up, I want to enjoy my day among the living..yet I can't go outside. Three pairs of socks and boots still isn't enough to keep my ankle from feeling like there is an angry person swinging a sledgehammer at it.. so I'm essentially a prisoner in my home until it gets warmer.

4. I have more wardrobe changes. Pajamas used to be my outfit of choice because I had no one to impress as my family was sleeping while I was awake. I put jeans on the other day and felt completely trapped. Simply put, clothes aren't comfortable. I just need to fess up and realize that I was born in the wrong generation. I need to travel back in time to be with the people who wore loin cloths and let there boobs be free.

5. A house looks less clean in the daylight. This one has been driving me mad. I spent over an hour vacuuming crevices and getting rid of cobwebs one day. It's amazing what daylight does to show you the real state of your house. Why does cat hair all congregate in the hardest to clean spots on a carpet? Why does no one else ever think to scrub under the fridge?? How the hell does our house get so dusty in three day's time?!

6. What do I do now? I can only do so much moving around before the pain starts getting to be too much, so I find myself getting frustrated and wondering what to do next. So far, the answer has been a lot of video gaming. For those of you who care, I am now a master enchanter, alchemist, and smithy. I've also defeated at least 50 dragons....can I put this on a resume?

7. I'm realizing just how much of a water issue we have. It feels like there is always someone who is showering or bathing. Twice now, I've gone to take a bath and there has been little hot water. I'm considering a schedule for everyone. Is this ridiculous? One full bath is just NOT cutting it for the six of us. Hopefully summer comes quickly, because I think I may just start showering with the hose in the back yard.

8. I wasn't young and hip like I thought I was. Let's face it, now that I'm sleeping normally..I don't have any desire to stay up and chat all night long. In fact, if I have company over..at about 8 pm I start wondering how late they plan on staying.

9. I still hate bras. There, I said it. Don't think for one moment that I haven't considered sabotaging my sleep schedule just to never have to wear one again. I still hate messing with my hair. When you are a nocturnal person..no one ever expects you to look presentable.

10. My family loves having me back. And this is what makes me continue to try to maintain the current path. I'm treating sleep like it's a top priority..because simply put, my kids and husband have missed me.

I'm new to this, be gentle with me. My eyes are still adjusting to the light and I am a little lost. Good news, the rest of you are no longer at risk of me needing to drink blood to stay alive!

Playing Detective

There are certain phrases circulating in my home that I can count on hearing when something gets broken, misplaced, used incorrectly..or when a chore is incomplete or doesn't get done at all...

"I don't know how that happened."
"I thought I......(insert anything)"
"It wasn't like that when I used it the last time."
"I told (insert another family member's name) not to do that!"
"I completely forgot."
"It wasn't my turn."
"The kids did it." (Thanks adults in the house for joining the ranks of the I didn't do it-ers.)
"I asked him/her to do it for me."
"I told the kids to pick that up..." (Thanks again adults)

Lest we forget the ultimate non responsive blank stare, head tilt, raised eyebrows, and "hmmm" answer.

I would love to say that this doesn't happen on a daily basis, but that would be lying. It never fails that something comes up that leaves me shaking my head and thinking, "what the ever loving #$@#"?

Some mysterious things happen in my house. Since I don't believe in gremlins, I am left to believe that SOMEONE in my house is doing this stuff. Yet, I never really get a direct answer of who it is. So I have to play detective and deduce using strange clues.

It becomes an obsession at times. For a month straight, I kept trying to catch someone in the act of leaving the cabinet doors open. Come to find out, it was two family members doing it. Now I just walk around closing them and yelling both of their names while saying, "when I finally snap and go insane..you will feel bad!!"

Yesterday, I decided to vacuum all the little corners and edges of the house that get ignored because it means using the attachment and bending over. Vacuuming is one of the chores that my son and daughter are responsible for. (I feel I must add that we only have one room with carpet, apart from eight steps and a landing) So I dig the vacuum out and turn it on....and vacuum the SAME square foot for a full three minutes before realizing that the thing wasn't working. After cleaning the brushes..I realized the belt was broke. So while Kendrick was off buying a belt, I started taking the canister apart.. in it was enough cat and human hair to knit a football field sized blanket, a mini candybar (intact and in the wrapper), several dryer sheets, random pieces of tissue, and........an entire lipstick tube.

A.lipstick.tube. Apart from being baffled how these things even made it to the canister..I found myself getting more and more irritated. Who looks at these things and thinks, "it'll suck it up..."?!? Secondly, are my children broken at the waist?! Surely that has to be it because otherwise they would bend over and pick that stuff up. Right? RIGHT?!

Brandon gave me the head tilt and pinched eyebrows, Aria asked, "how did that happen?"

I don't remember anything after that because smoke started pouring out of my ears and the top of my head just blew right off.

These are the true moments that make moms, wives, and girlfriends rally together. This is why some people have a glass of wine every night. This is why women are sometimes distrustful. And this is why women tend to follow people around and pick up after them. You can spot them at parties, they are the ones walking around, mindlessly picking everything up while the kids and men play. Probably perhaps because we know we are the ONLY ones who will fess up to not doing it.

Family Meetings..Yes, We Are THAT Family

Schedules, school, homework, technology, and any number of things can make finding quality time as a family really difficult. It is important to plan a time to sit and talk as a family. One way to do this is to have regular family meetings.

We use these meetings for many reasons. To talk about feelings. Address changes in the household or family structure. Delegate and discuss responsibilities in the home. The list of WHY we have them can go on and on.

Here are some guidelines for a healthy and productive family meeting.
1. Address the group in a democratic way. Empower each person to make choices concerning themselves and the family as a whole. This is not a time for pointing fingers and playing the blame game.
2. Teach the use of "I" statements. This is a good tool for many reasons, and one that your kids will take with them into the world and make them better communicators.
3. Have an agenda and LOOSELY follow it. Ask the other family members to consider things that they would like to talk about beforehand. Don't be strict with the agenda. You may find that you only get one item resolved..or that one thing needs a lot more attention than you had assumed.
4. No cell phones, TV, or other distractions.
5. Each person has the right to be heard, but must wait to speak without interrupting one another.
6. No one is too old or too young to take part. If you live here..you are part of the family.
7. Do not disregard other's emotions. Even if they upset you. Hear them out and respond accordingly, with respect.
8. Plan meetings that have no agenda at all and use that time to praise one another. We call this the "compliment game".
9. Give teenagers and children (and yourself) time to think out responses and the flexibility to change them if needed. Sometimes it's hard for people to not speak on impulse.
10. No yelling, swearing, singling people out in a harsh way.
11. End on a positive note. Sometimes family meetings can get emotional..it is important to have closure to feelings. Sometimes, we end a meeting with the compliment game and it brings everyone back around.
12. Have a designated space to hold meetings. We use our living room, but have been known to drop everything at any given moment and meet wherever we can.

Sometimes, the younger people in the house get stuck in feeling that they are merely "residents" in a home. Family meetings are a great way to show them that they are an integral part of the family structure. It cuts down on the nagging and whining because everyone understands that there is a positive way to voice concerns and feelings. Remind your children that they can call a family meeting at any time (as long as everyone is home). Reinforce this by having a standing rule that if someone calls a meeting, that we all drop what we are doing and meet in the designated area.

Remember that children are children. Their attention span is not as great as ours. Make necessary changes
to accommodate that. Perhaps fixing a special snack to have while talking will help them stay more focused. Find ways to be creative and make it a positive experience rather than one that feels punitive. The goal is to encourage the family to feel safe and relaxed.

The Compliment Game:
Each of the family members sits in a circle. Starting clockwise, each person says something positive or nice about the person on their left. Then switch to counter clockwise. Then skip every other person.. until everyone has given everyone else a compliment.
It can't be underhanded.
It must be sincere.
Try to stay away from physical compliments..."I like the way you take the time to help me with my work." rather than "I like your shirt."

A quote from my very quiet 19 year old son at our last meeting, "You can't be a healthy part of a family unless you love yourself and know what you need. If you can't take care of you, you can't help your family."

Did I mention, have tissues at the ready?

Semantics

My husband is the king of playing mind games with himself. He's one of those people that can eat on a smaller plate and pretend it means there is more food. Not look at his clock so that when he wakes up, he can convince himself he had eight hours of sleep instead of the actual one hour. I.. am not. I'm too literal for that kind of nonsense.

Me: This growing the hair out business is ridiculous. I look like a cross between a ninety year old grandma with a perm and Bozo the clown.
Him: It looks adorable!
Me: Adorable for a ninety year old!
Him: So dye it....
Me: I wasn't even talking about the color.....what made you say that?
Him: I'm just saying, maybe you would like it more if you got rid of the gray.
Me: So you are telling me I should dye my hair because it's gray?
Him: Just sayin...maybe you would feel better about it.
Me: I see, you want me to dye my hair...so "I" feel better about it. Apparently it's a thing for you.
Him: I didn't say that! I just don't want people to think you are older than you are...
Me: So you are saying I look older because of the gray?
Him: Nooooo... but other people might think that.....
Me: So.. you think that.
(You see here, the mind game in action. Fortunately, I've caught him in the act.)
Him: You are so youthful looking. I would hate for people to think you are older.
Him: I think you look beautiful with or without the gray.
Him: Seriously... I think you look young.
Me:......for someone with gray hair, that is....
Him: Will you stop?! No one said you look old.
Me: Pretty sure you just did...and covered it up to make the blow sting a little less.
Him: Oh, good grief! Dye it or don't... I love it no matter what.
Me: So you will love me despite the fact that I look old because of my gray hair? That's nice of you.
Him: I didn't say you look old!!!
Me: You're right. You didn't come right out and say it..you implied it. Same difference. I'm on to you.
Him: (shaking his head) This is going on the blog...I know it is.
Me: You got it.

Yesterday, I dyed my hair. I wouldn't want you all to think that I look older than I am. It might make Kendrick feel bad.

Aria

She hid herself away from the world
Feeling too weak to go on
What she didn't realize
Was that she had wings so strong
A heart so mighty
Vision so clear

Until the night she went to the river
And drowned her demons, below it
And cast her blood to the waves

She was reborn at that moment

In one mighty rush
Her wings spread around her
Lifting her up

And she was free

Her heart lit up
With a blaze so fierce
It melted the chains that bound it

And she loved herself

Her eyes were opened
The light from them, pure
Showing her a path to her future

And she reached for it..
Grasping it..
Embracing it..

For it was hers.
Her legacy

Nevermore to be shadowed in blood.

But ripe
For the loving
And the seeing
And the living

1/20/14
Terralyn

You Are Not Broken

Sometimes we just need to hear that.

From my own experience, depression can be described as a dark hole with no ladder. You can be surrounded by people who love you and still feel utterly alone. You sometimes get glimmers of light..and a foothold, and then you slide back into the darkness. The tears come without reason and can't be stopped. You fear you will lose your mind, that sadness will swallow you up and take your ability to function as a human.

It's common to hear people say they are depressed. And for people who really do struggle with it, it's off putting. Depression doesn't occur from having a bad day. It just is. It's something that even in good moments, is sitting right beneath the surface..waiting to rear it's ugly head. Some people experience it in waves. For others, it is a full time existence of wishing they would die. And some do, sadly.

Being a shelter of sorts, we often have people who come to our home, feeling that they are at the end of their ability to cope and go on. It's heart wrenching to see a person like this. You want to reach inside them and wrap their heart in your love. You want to give them your eyes and thoughts so that they can see the possibilities and beauty in themselves.

But we can't.

All we can offer is unconditional love and support. Arms to hold them, food and water to nurture their body, a soft nest to lay in, and open minds and hearts to hear what they are saying. And we pray that it is enough to help them through it.

I have learned some things over the years about helping someone who is battling depression. I write these things in hopes that if you are faced with the same situation, that it will help you know how to handle it.

Do not expect a clear answer from asking them what is wrong. Sometimes everything FEELS wrong but you can't put your finger on any one thing.
Do not tell them to be strong. Rather, tell them it's OK to feel weak and weary, right now.
Do not remind them of all the good things in their life. This is just serving to disregard how they are feeling at the moment. If they could be joyful and positive..they wouldn't be depressed.
Do not say that they are choosing to be sad. One does not choose to be so sad that they want their life to end. Depression is not a choice.
Remind them that their sense of self and personal power are not gone, that it is clouded and hidden in the fog of emotions. They do possess it, they just can't reach it right now.
Listen to everything they say with an open heart. Only speak when they are able to hear. Speak comfort, love, and words that show your intent of caring.
Know that you may not understand where they are coming from, but that it doesn't make their struggle less real.
Help them care for themselves. Simple things like bathing and eating can be a difficult task. It's almost like taking care of a baby bird who has lost it's mother. You must be that person's care taker until they are strong enough to fly.
Make sure you have a safe person to share your own feelings with. Caring for someone who is depressed is hard. It can be exhausting. It is important that you also take care of yourself so that you can continue to be a source of strength for the person who needs you.
Don't invest your time, gain a person's trust..then walk away when it gets hard. Unconditional love does not leave when things are hard. People who are depressed often find themselves surrounded by people with good intentions who end up walking away from them...which only worsens their feelings. They feel like they are a burden on others and will sink back into themselves to avoid bothering people.
Admit when you are faced with things that are out of your comfort zone. It is important to have resources available to offer a person. The more support they have, they better off they are and the better their chances of getting through it.
Honor their trust in you and don't take it lightly.

If you know someone who is battling depression, please do not ignore it. It takes one second for a person to give up. You may be that one person who can  be a light for them.

My Food is Better Than Yours

When did it become acceptable to shun others because their diet isn't the same as yours? How does what you eat, make you elite?

A direct quote from something I read today, "Vegans are sexier!"

Just let that sink in for a moment....

My mind tried to process this, and then it broke. My mind, that is. It broke. As I tried fitting the pieces back together, I realized that we have found new ways to segregate others in ways that would appear innocuous. When in reality, it is still segregation..and that's never a good thing. 

I've seen all manner of great quotes from this person. "Vegans want world peace" "Vegans are more connected to the Earth" "People who eat meat have no respect for nature and animals"

Your vegan statements make me want to tell you that your "vegan lifestyle" has become an obsession comparable to the obsessions a stalker feels for their prey. You are trying to convince more people to follow your diet, than Jim Jones convinced to drink the kool-aid. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't care what anyone's diet is. I love free choice. We are all free to choose what we put in our bodies. That ability to choose does NOT make you any better than me..and likewise. At the end of the day, we are both still humans. 

I'm better than you because I own footy pajamas.

I'm better than you because I can type 75 words a minute.

I love the Earth more because I go camping.

I don't watch TV, which clearly makes me more intelligent than the rest of the world. 

Sound ridiculous? Yes! Because it is. It's ridiculous to think that something like footy pajamas could be seen as making me better. 

Thankfully, my husband still sees me as sexy even though I eat meat. He wasn't really impressed with the bacon lingerie that I wore to bed...but he was willing to look past it and see the internal sexiness I possess. (forgive me for being a little snarky)

Step down off your tofu ledge and stop thinking you are better than the rest of us. Join the rest of the free thinking world and appreciate diversity. It will be OK. No animals will be harmed in the process of learning to be humble. 

So Happy Together

I've seen so many articles about how to keep a relationship happy and healthy. While I find that most of what I've read is true..I'm aware that Kendrick and I are a bit different. Here are some common suggestions and a comparison of how we chalk up to them.

(Just a word, I will be writing this in a way that reflects my relationship...which is a man and a woman. If you are not in this type of relationship, just change the pronouns around to suit you.)

Recommendation:  Don't try to change each other.
Us: Brutal honesty. It's ok to tell each other things that you don't like. One of the best ways to become bitter and breed resentment is to not be honest when you are annoyed and angry. When we were first together, our styles of arguing were vastly different. He was prone to yell and I was apt to bottle emotions. We both needed to change.
Should you get married expecting big differences to change or get better..no. But it's totally OK to tell each other that the other's behavior is annoying, frustrating, angering, saddening..etc. Just remember to check your own motives and behavior, first.

Recommendation: Frame demands as favors.
Us: What is this?? Sugar coating words does not change their intention. If we can't tell each other what we want or need...then we shouldn't be in a relationship. This is a lie that perpetuates manipulation. Ask most men, they will tell you that they would rather have you make a list of things that you want to get done, they don't want you to constantly tip toe around them hoping it if you are sweet enough, he will catch on. Also, men tend to prioritize things by their importance. If you say, " I would love it if you could help me fold the laundry sometime", you are not sending the message that laundry is dull and boring, and you don't want to stand there alone folding everyone else's clothes. It's ok to say, "I hate folding laundry, it makes me irritated..please help me do it so it can get done faster. It's important to me." Neither of you may enjoy doing it, but you will be sharing the annoyance and you will be much less likely to take it out on one another.

Recommendation: Vocalize your appreciation
Us: Yes! Also things like: you look hot in that outfit, I appreciate the awesome sex, your sense of humor is hilarious. Don't forget to appreciate things that aren't your run of the mill appreciations. "I love that you just sat there with the kids and listened to them ramble on." "It made me happy to see you remembered to clean the sink out after shaving." Everyday, little, real life things. After all..life is made up of small moments. Don't just express appreciation for the doing..express appreciation for being who they are. The good and the ugly.

Recommendation: Focus on the positive
Us: We try to focus on the positive as much as possible. We are also realists who know that if their is a problem, it's not going to go away by being Pollyanna. Address that stuff too. Sometimes it's important to focus on the not so pretty things that happen in relationships so that you can either fix them or understand them.

Recommendation: Take trips down memory lane
Us: Of course it's always sweet to remember our history. You know what's even sweeter? The couple we have become and are today! Constantly living in the past means missing out on the moment. Also, stop bringing up past problems. Holding a fight over a partner's head is selfish. If you can't move on from a bad incident..then move on from your relationship.

Recommendation: Never side with the enemy
Us: It's important to be understanding and empathetic. It's also important to call each other out on things if we are wrong. Whether it be in personal or professional relationships..don't just blindly agree with your partner for the sake of it. We need to be told if we are wrong. Some of my best learning experiences have been because a person pointed out that I was wrong.

Recommendation: Don't get too comfortable
Us: Life does enough to shake a couple's relationship without them even trying. Revel in the comfort of each other. Laugh at the fact that you can pass gas in front of each other, wake up with bad hair and morning breath. Don't create unrealistic and unachievable goals of perfection for yourself or your partner. Take the time, when you have it and want to to do something special to get their attention.. but learning to enjoy the simple things is much more important.

Recommendation: Keep the date night alive.
Us: We don't thrive on date nights and trips together. We would much rather sit next to each other and play a game at home, read to each other, lay in bed and talk, and all the other simple little things that a couple can do to connect. If you enjoy date nights, then do it. Just know, that if you can't find happiness in your own environment..you may run into a problem when you are faced with a money or time shortage.

Our number one tip for making a relationship last?
Laugh... a lot. Laugh at each other and ourselves. Admit when we are acting like fools and laugh at that. Realize that we have put on some weight and losing hair..and laugh. Laugh at the fact that you just bickered over who didn't clean up the cat puke. Life is made up of moments that are hilarious..if you take the time to look.

In short, you don't need a list of to do's to remember. Be human, be real, and laugh. Society places enough expectations on people to live up to standards that are ridiculous..don't make your relationship one of those things. Enjoy the wonderful goodness of it..for what it is. Not what society tells you it should look like.

Disowning Your Own Cat

I overheard Kendrick call Totoro, "the gray cat", tonight. This is the conversation that followed...

Me: Why are you calling him the gray cat?
Him: Because I've decided that since he wont acknowledge me, that I'm not acknowledging him.
Me: That's mean! Use his name!
Him: What's mean is that he was MY birthday cat and the only person he loves is Brandon.
Me: That's not true, he just doesn't like to be held by anyone except Brandon.
Him: Exactly...the gray cat is a traitor.
Me: His name. is. Totoro.
Him: He let's Brandon do anything to him! If I try to pick him up he acts offended! Tocho gets me. He's my boy. (pets our other cat lovingly) You get me, don't you, Tocho? (stares at Totoro with spite)
Me: Stop glaring at Totoro! Maybe he just doesn't want you to hold him because you are always holding Tocho....
Him: He doesn't want me to hold him because he has stockholm syndrome...Brandon has turned him into a traitor.
Me: Stop glaring at him!!
Him: I'm going to put a picture of my face in his food bowl so he figures out where his loyalty should be....
Me: You are seriously messed up.
Him: Getting a traitor cat for your birthday is the messed up thing here. Don't act like it isn't true.

Our House is a Clown Car

Four years ago (or so...I've lost track of time and reality) we moved into our home. Boasting three bedrooms, one and a half baths, living room, dining room, kitchen, a green room, and large basement..it felt like a castle. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that it was ever so spacious and roomy. Aria had her own room, we had our own room, and I even had a makeup room. The green room was a nursery because I was babysitting two little ones. It was neat, organized, and more than we needed.

Now our house is slowly turning into the famous Winchester house. Rooms keep getting added on in order to make space for our constantly changing and growing family. It's like a clown car. It looks small and unassuming..yet, at any given moment..a herd of people could come out of it.

As time went on and more people came in and out of our lives and home, we have learned the art of rearranging areas to make more room. My makeup room was sight to behold. Painted in a deep hot pink with white and black accents. It even had a guest bed for company. It was so cheerful and dramatic to walk into. Posh. It was posh. Well, as posh as I could ever be.It was also the first room to go. It was OK, I was not heart broken..more or less I saw it as a necessity and made the changes. It became our bedroom. The color scheme now seems overkill. Waking up to hot pink is not as pleasing. We keep saying we are going to change it, but the truth is...we never get around to it,

Mainly because...we are always rearranging the rest of the house to make more space.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have a shortage of doors? I can tell you this. You start eyeing rummage sales for them. Doors are not cheap! Further more, it seems that no one ever parts with them. I'm beginning to believe that they are endangered due to the demand on them. At this very moment, I am pondering how to turn a front door with window panels..into a bedroom door that will be private enough for the person who will be staying in it. Let's disregard the fact that the day was already spent sanding, planing, and rehanging the thing in a doorway that was not meant for it.

My husband either has the patience of a saint, or he is doing drugs and hiding them from me.

In the short amount of time we have been here he has:
painted and repainted enough to go through 30 gallons of paint
refurbished a house full of furniture to save us money
Torn down and rearranged rooms and everything in them no less than 20 times.
Chiseled, sawed, sanded, and built doorways
Erected dividers
Hung curtain rods hundreds of times (kids are infamous for breaking them)
Changed lighting
Installed air conditioners
Built a kitchen island because of space shortage

This is just a short list. I could go on and on. The man just takes it in stride every time a change needs to be made. He has created a house that would confuse architects. It's nothing short of miraculous.

I don't know how he does it. I just know that I am so lucky to have found a partner who is loving and caring enough to do everything he can to make our home comfortable enough to also be a home for others who need it.

Maybe someday a bunch of money will land in our lap, and we can buy a large house that would be better suited to do what we do. Until then, he's done his best to make our house a home..and when I see the imperfections and little flaws, I think.. my husband did this with his own two hands and ingenuity...and with love in his heart. With that in mind, the flaws disappear into the woodwork.

Hello younger me..I have a few things things to tell you

Let's face it..as we get older we realize that some of the choices we made when we were younger were a bit......flawed. Not well thought out. Impulsive. Sometimes just downright ridiculous.

Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't change the bad and the good that has made up my life, for it has made me who I am. But, there are some things that I would love to have known as a younger person.

Here's my top ten:

1. About 90% of of the fashion choices you made were terrible. Granted, you were pretty poor..but you always found a way to buy Aquanet extra super hold hairspray and turn your bangs into a satellite dish. You probably should have spent that money on something that wasn't going to potentially give you miner's lungs.

2. You will NOT appreciate that Tigger tattoo that you got on impulse. The same with almost all of the other tattoos you got. Tigger? Use your brain, Terralyn. By the time you are thirty you will look at it and wonder at what point you became possessed and made that choice. Heed my advice, seek out a young priest and an old priest.

3. You are not a sexually deviant person for thinking about kissing girls. You are bisexual, it's OK! You first had this thought at 7 years old..go with it. Life is too short to not love. Also, contrary to the beliefs you were raised with...you aren't going to burn in hell for it. So stop praying for salvation every time you look at another woman and think, "I just want to kiss her face."

4.Think about your future body a little bit before sledding down hills that end in concrete. Your brain is important. Stop riding your bicycle like you are Mario Andretti.. although you thought you undid the damage by spending days of your life picking stones out of your knee caps, that's going to come back to haunt you. By the way, you never got all of the stones out.

5. Stop falling for gay guys. I know they are some of the most awesome people to hang out with..but believe me when I tell you.. they do NOT want to kiss you. So just enjoy the friendship and stop hoping they will fall for you. P.S. they like other guys... you don't fit the bill no matter how much you try to.

6. Perfume that costs a dollar is not a going to make you smell good. It gives you a rash and it makes other people think that you broke into your grandmother's stash of Avon perfume that had been in those cool bottles for no less than 30 years. Just put on your deodorant and shower.. again, miner's lungs.

7. Don't trust that uncle who told you he could teach you how to ride a bike. He's going to give you a good push and then laugh hysterically as you slide down the gravel hill like you are a stick of butter on a hot plate. Find someone a little less sadistic.

8. World War 3 is not going to happen in your childhood years. Stop looking at every airplane like it's going to drop a bomb on your home. This is anxiety...perhaps you should be talking to someone about getting that under control now. Later in life it will make you borderline crazy at times.

9. Your brother is a jerk. While you are sitting there feeling guilty about not being a better sister, he's planning the next way to give you stitches. Stop feeling guilty, he's never going to outgrow it. In the span of your childhood, he will send you to the emergency room more times than you can count. Also, he will blame you for everything. You will be spanked a million times for something he did. Just walk away....actually..back away slowly. If you turn your back, you may get another shovel to the head.

10. Roller skates are not for indoors in front a huge picture window. You will go through that window and fall 7 feet onto a stone driveway. Trust me on this...it seems fun right now, but you won't think that when you break a tooth and look like Edward Scissorhands from the many cuts on your face. Maybe skate outside instead?

Marrying the family

I will never forget the first time I sat down to have a meal with the entire Gauthier family. It was loud. There were a million different conversations going at once. There was more laughter in one room than can be found at a comedy show. Also, the room was shaking..because nearly every one of them bounces their knee.

At first, I was overwhelmed. I hadn't been part of a large family since my childhood...and that was nothing like what I was experiencing. The sheer volume of the group was over stimulating. I didn't know who's conversation to pay attention to. I felt like a silent spectator at a movie.

A wonderful, loving movie.

Long before I married Kendrick, I knew that I wanted to marry his family at the same time. In the time before we got married I had come to love this family like they had always been mine and they treated me like I had always been theirs.

Don't get me wrong. Our family is no different than any other family. We are quirky and not without faults. But, the fact is.. I wouldn't change any of it. I have created more memorable moments in the years I have known them, than I had in the whole of my life before them.

I not only gained a mother and father, but a sister and brothers. Family that didn't act like I was an outsider..they celebrated me! They've cried with me, laughed with me, held me, and taught me that unconditional love is a very real thing. More so, they taught me that I was deserving of it.

Mom: Thank you for always listening and giving advice in your gentle, knowing way. Thank you for never expecting me to treat Kendrick any other way than how I treat him. And thanks for raising him (and all your children) in a way that has made him so caring and thoughtful.

Dad: Thank you for always putting your family first and teaching us that in all things, we have each other. Thanks for teaching me how to act like a kid again, that it's ok to be silly and ridiculous.

Katherine: You and I were meant to be sisters. Sometimes I feel as though I have known you all of my life. You were the sister born of my heart. Thank you for giving me that. Thank you for giving me my beautiful God daughter... I will never forget the day she was born and the moments we shared. I can't begin to explain in words just what you mean to me.

Matthew: Thanks for the moments between us that have made me laugh more times than I can count. Thanks for the knowledge that you always have my back.

Chris: Thank you for your heart. You are kind and empathetic to those who need it most. Such a wonderful trait and one that inspires me.

Also, mom and dad... thanks for cleaning the puke off me when I had heat stroke and projectile vomited all over myself and the car. (You guys know I had to end this on a funny note)

Seriously...I was a stinky mess.