For Charlie

It's been a long time since I've written here. 

This year has been a whirlwind of pain and growth. Interesting how you can't have one without the other. It's a hard pill to swallow, but it's reality. The biggest and healthiest changes have come from pain so deep, I wondered how I would ever see light again. 

I choose to live in the present as much as my anxious brain will allow me to. When I shut down the worries and plans and past.. I am free to live each moment like it is all there is. I am able to love more deeply because I am not weighted down with expectations. 

It has left me vulnerable. At times, it's the most freeing feeling in the world. Knowing that my heart is wide open to possibilities. Knowing a person can reach right inside of me and touch my heart because I am allowing it...not for personal gain, not because I need it. Simply because the world is full of beautiful people and each of them, when I allow it, can teach me something about them and myself. 

I opened my heart to a beautiful person. 

I don't regret it for a moment.

He taught me that it was OK to take risks. He reminded me that sometimes, things just happen when we least expect them to..and all we can control is our reaction. Mostly, he taught me how to accept that there are circumstances that are beyond our control, sad and gut wrenching truths that most people would run away from. But I didn't, because I loved the realness of it. Even when it hurt and still hurts..its more real than so much that I had experienced. And wow, is that a gift. To know that when we bare ourselves, even the pain is beautiful because it reminds us that this is what it's about. Riding the bull of life, even if it's for seconds..hanging on and falling off and trying again. 

I've vacillated for some time now on how to honor his memory in writing. 

I don't want sympathy for the loss. I don't even want people to feel sympathy for the situation. I want to express just how important it is to cherish the time we have with someone. 

We are promised nothing. Every choice we make is a calculated risk or an all out gamble. 

I want to remember that even though many things end in pain, they were so worth it. As it has been said, life is not about the destination..its about the path there. If we plan our choices because they feel safe or because we feel it is the easiest path, we are disillusioned. It serves no purpose but to shelter you from so many unseen lessons and beautiful moments. 

I've cried so many tears. Not because I regret my decision to open myself up to the hurt I experienced, but because I opened myself up to a season of love so real, that I am forever changed by a person who reached right in, took my heart in their hands.. and walked with me as my equal..carrying our hearts together. Beating and bare and open to receiving the quiet messages the universe is always whispering in our ear...but we live so loudly we can't hear it. 

So instead of pouring out my sorrow to you, instead of asking you to hold my hand.. I ask you, in Charlie's honor, to live. To love. To know that we are all broken on some level and that it's ok. To know that even when someone so beautiful leaves your life, you have to remember to be thankful that they took the time to share minutes, days, months.. of themselves with you. It doesn't stop the acute sadness of loss, but it reminds you to be thankful for it. 

Because the pain is worth it all when it comes to knowing you shared love with another human.  

Fly high my significant otter. I promise not to drift off into the ocean. I'll just lay here for a bit and ride the waves as they wash over me.