Time To Grow..Again

No matter how barren I feel, life finds a way to remind me that it keeps going. 

Sometimes, I shut my eyes to it. I bleed my heart out through my tears. I think that I can't take the realness for another minute. I feel like a tree that has lost all of it's leaves, my limbs unshielded from the harsh sun and wind. My roots are dry and curling in on me. 

And then it rains. 

The rain washes off my dust and let's me drink from the Earth. It reminds me, even if only in a small way, that I'm still here and that life keeps going and I can choose to be stuck, or I can choose to take the gift it has given me. Another day to do better and be better. 

It is a cycle that repeats itself..until we take our last breath. 

Lately, I've been harsh with myself for not feeling so resilient. I am having a hard time accepting that I'm just not ok, yet. I pride myself in my ability to persevere, to fight for my own happiness. I am resilient. But, I am also a sapling. I need nurturing, time, and patience to grow through this cycle. I need to give myself the right to heal at a pace that is necessary for the lessons that are hidden deep inside the pain. 

I don't have a lot of close friends. I choose that for myself. I make the decision, often, to let or not let people into the heart of me. So many people just wish to trample on the small shoots of growth that reside in us. Some people just want to see your pain. Their curiosity feels like a magnifying glass in the sun, reflecting off of your naked soul. It hurts. 

And sometimes, I feel like I could spill my emotions and it still wouldn't be enough to explain how I feel. I could empty myself of all of my contents and all someone else would see is a puzzle that they want no part in helping put together, and I'm just standing there looking at my pieces while they walk away without even helping me put them back inside to me again.

Then there are people, no, blessings, that have entered my life in this season. Wonderful humans that know that they can't fix me, but they can water me. They can nurture me. They hear my heart. They remind me of the strength I have to grow again if I am patient and accept the pace that has been set for now. 

Someday, I will be a beautiful tree full of colorful leaves, swaying in the soft breeze of life and fluidly bending and flexing along with it. 

Until then, thank you to the sewers of seeds, the waterers, and the nurturers. Thank you for meeting me where I am at and holding steady with me. Thank you for encouraging me without pushing me too hard. Thank you for being you..and know I will also nurture your soul in return when you choose to let me.