Comfort In The Unknown

Nearly all of my life I've been consumed with having to have a plan. The thought of having no control over the future would send me into a tail spin of anxiety and fear. That's reality though, not having control over the future. It is a wide open space that is given to change when we least expect it. We lose people, relationships, jobs, and anything that makes us feel anchored in our comfort zone. 

Feeling we have control is a huge fallacy. It is a preconceived notion that life is ours to manipulate and mold. 

We have today. That is all that promised. 

As you get older, thoughts of mortality sink in. The urge to make the most of our time left, becomes stronger and stronger. It's a knowing that there is finality. Someday, could be tomorrow, we will take our final breath. Morbid? Maybe for some. 

We spend so much time planning and plotting our future (or for some..living in the past), that we lose sight of the gift that is today. We become so entrenched in expectations for every part of our lives..that we lose the joy that comes along with not knowing what's around the corner. Life's surprises. 

The urge to micromanage every part of our lives and the lives of those we love is basically a wet blanket that will smother the happiness right out of us. 

I've lived in a kind of limbo for quite some time now. The end of my marriage tore a gaping hole in the blinders that I wore. The sudden loss of someone I loved finished the job and tore those blinders right off of me. In an instant, the neat little path that I led myself to believe was my direction, became a vast and open world. My feet, that I had so solidly planted, suddenly were directionless. It went against everything I thought to be rational and intelligent.

And though it took me good while to dare to take a step into the void..I did. 

My past, my pain, my expectations for my future and the people in it, fell behind as I explored the newness that I was facing. I did not dance into that freedom. I walked with trepidation, and from time to time, I would retreat back to what I held onto for so long...specifically my painful experiences. Odd that old pain comforted me and made me feel like I was still safe. But it did. as did reaching back for the perception that expectations would somehow solidify my existence. 

Here's the thing about living in the moment: It's glaringly brilliant and so full of wonder. Once you've opened your eyes to it, the light of it beckons you back from the darkness that was comforting. You can't unsee it. You can't ignore the knowledge it bestows upon you. You become drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

The hardest part of this transition for me was realizing that there was nothing I could do to avoid future hurts. It doesn't matter how much you expect from others and the world... everything can change. Everything is meant to change. 

I was scared to allow myself to love again. Broken trust nearly killed my desire to have another companion. I didn't want to hurt again. I didn't want to lose someone else. Then I realized that I couldn't stop my heart from being touched by another. 

There have been times, especially at the beginning when I would fall back to my old way of thinking. I saw myself having expectations for a future. The more I allowed that to happen, the more anxious I became because I now had the knowledge that I really had no control over it. 

So I let go of expectations and I started seeing each day as a blessing. It left room in my mind and heart to love again and to truly experience every ounce of emotion that the relationship has brought to me. More profound, it has allowed me to see the person in front of me for who they really are, not who I want or hope for them to be.

 

Embracing the unknown has opened doors in every direction. Some, I walk through and decide to walk back out of. Some of those doors have led to beautiful experiences. And yes, some have led to hurt...but it's OK because the unknown means that there are still plenty of other doors for me to open and explore what's on the other side of them.

 

My life has become limitless. 

 

My love has become pure without the tainting of a plan. It exists in perfect harmony with the universe because I have given up control.

 

My fears have all but dissipated. I am no longer even afraid of death.

 

I am like a small child again. Full of wonder, laughing and joyful with each new day because it is a present waiting to be unwrapped. 

 

This is truly living...and I don't ever want to go back to wearing those blinders. I don't need to know the future..it's inconsequential. I need only to suck every drop of goodness from this moment.