It seems like I do one of these every year. Mainly, because I think resolutions should be fun as much as they are useful. If you don't want a resolution that is going to cause you physical, mental, or emotional anguish... this is the guide for you. (and me)
1. Have a drink when you bloody well want one.
Really, can we just talk for a moment about how I didn't know how to act like the adult I am? This year I decided that I like a drink from time to time..and that I'm not a bad person for feeling like that. It's OK to get out of responsibility mode and let your hair down, providing you have hair. If you're of the bald variety, imagine you have hair.
So, have a drink. Or five. Really, you won't regret it. If you're old like me, drink lots of water. At 40, the body doesn't handle getting wasted and acting like a frat boy very well. I warned you.
Disclaimer: If you get in trouble for drinking, you totally did not get permission from me or this blog.
2. Stop looking at the nutrition facts on food.
Are you doing this? Don't do this. PLEASE STOP DOING THIS. Eat what you want, when you want. If losing weight is one of your preset resolutions, skip the rest of number two.
Really folks, nutrition facts are made by evil little dictators with nothing better to do than to make you feel like a fatty who's about to keel over from consuming more than seven pretzels in one sitting. Who makes up these serving sizes?! Evil people with stomachs the size of a grape, that's who.
I'll be right back, this made me hungry.
3. Stop caring about the fact that you seem like the only person in the world that changes the empty toilet paper roll.
Cause you are. You and me..we are the only people in the world that care. I have driven myself near to insanity with changing toilet paper rolls that people ignore. I have cried tears anxiety, trying to track down the person who dared defile the bathroom in such a way as to not change the roll..or, GASP, those crazy people who just set a new roll on top of the old one.
This is causing me mental anguish. Moving on.
4. Listen to the music you like. unapologetically.
Yeah sure, I may judge your choice of music in my head, (If I hear that Frozen song, one. more. time...) but if it makes you happy, turn it up and rock out. I don't care if it's polka and you are dancing like Lawrence Welk. (gosh, I'm old) If it's country you're into, two step all night long. If it's metal... well, you and I are going to get along just fine.
Music is everything. Find what makes you tick and roll with it. Even if it means that people are staring at you wondering why you won't stop singing, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.
(his name is my name too)
5. I'm really pushing my limits with five resolutions...but together, we can do this.
Stop thinking that people care about you as much as you do.
I'm gonna level with you. We are more caught up with scrutinizing ourselves than others are.
Maybe that hurt your ego. Here, let me soften the blow...
You aren't so different than others. (I really need to work on getting a point across in a not so harsh way)
Truly. Wear the ridiculous hat that you won't wear out in public. Sing to yourself while walking in the store. Talk to yourself like there's actually another person there. Dance like it's we are back in an era when everyone danced and sang. You know, like that guy that went nutty and sang in the rain while dancing on light poles. Wait, that was a musical. Who cares? Sing in the freaking rain. Live your life like the freaks we all are, but hide because someone once told you to grow up and be normal.
I will be over here in my plaid pants and sequin top, a shot of brandy in my hand, headbanging to metal, thinking about how I never succeed at New Year's resolutions.
I'll work on perfection, tomorrow.
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