Codependency-In Which I Finally Open Up About My Marriage

When Kendrick and I split up, I got a lot of:

"I never saw that coming!"

"You two seemed like you had the perfect relationship."

"You were like one brain in two bodies."

The dissolving of a marriage is never easy. I doesn't matter why or how it happens. It's just a huge mixed bag of emotions to sift through until you reach the bottom and realize that sometimes, it's just better that way. Sometimes, it takes a long time to be able to say that it's better. And that's OK. Once our ego settles down, we become open to hearing the positive things that can happen after a separation. It's all about accepting and growing. 

My marriage was anything but perfect, in hindsight. I don't blame anyone for it. I don't regret it. It just wasn't the picture postcard that it appeared to be to others and often, to us. There were amazing times and memories, but there was also a lot of codependency on both of our parts, and it imploded. 

Codependency is a sneaky jerk. It can be so easy to follow that urge to just lose yourself in love, to share every moment together, to give up stuff that your partner doesn't like...

To lose yourself completely to another person. 

At first, codependent relationships feel safe. "This person loves me so completely, that they have given me all of them." There's no room for mistrust because you live and breathe the same air at all times. It's safe feeling. That feeling of routine and knowing what to expect can make us lose sight of what living truly is. 

After you feel safe and secure, the suffocation begins. Your expectations for one another are so severe that the person YOU are, gets shoved down deeper and deeper. You find yourself wondering why you feel incomplete, like there is something you want but can't figure it out. That feeling exists because the relationship has put you in a position to give up on your own goals and hobbies. Sometimes, for so long, that you actually lose the desire to pursue them if it means independence. 

Your entire world gets exponentially smaller. And so do you.  

After thoroughly suffocating the self right out of you, things explode. We are not meant to live like that. It is not a healthy love. 

We are meant to be free. We are meant to live our lives, possibly side by side with another, but still independent. Some people can ignore this for a long time. I certainly did. I had a traumatic youth, and Kendrick made me feel safe in many ways. I clung to that. Same for him. 

It took our relationship ending to finally have a head clear enough to see just how wrong it all was. To see how wrong I was to hand myself over to another person and essentially give up my own sense of autonomy.  

It took me breaking. It took him breaking. It took our relationship breaking. 

I can only speak for myself, but it was what I needed to shake my life up. I needed to wake back up and take my life back...for me and no one else. 

I know many of you have wondered and have waited for this kind of post. I understand curiosity. I also hope that you realize that I don't regret the marriage or it ending. It is another chapter in my life..each chapter helping to create a life's story. 

I am much more aware now. I am free now. I have healthy boundaries now. I wouldn't change that if the opportunity was there. It took me a while, but I got there. And that feels fucking amazing... Every single day.