Desire

You'd think that the lesson of not getting what you want would set in as a child when we are often told, "no." Yet it doesn't. We get told that, in different ways, as an adult.. all the time. 

Here's the thing.

Desire never stops. Wanting never goes away. We never completely learn how to master the art of contentment with what we have in front of us.  It is a basic human emotion that can't be quelled by sheer force. 

It's OK to desire. 

I know that's an unpopular belief among those who believe they are Zen enough to shut down all human wants. To that I say, "Congratulations, you've successfully stopped being a participant in living your own life." 

Desire is a driving force that helps us to keep growing, changing, loving, learning, enjoying, trying...

When we try to shut down desire, we essentially tell ourselves we aren't worth the effort it takes to see that aspiration through to the other side, whatever outcome that may be. 

We are hurt so much in our lifetime. We think, as humans who are hurting, if we could just let go of our own wants..the pain will stop. It doesn't. 

When I lost Charlie, I thought that if I could just stop wanting a different outcome, I could find peace. I beat myself up for it constantly. It was a war in my head of trying to accept that it was OK to want him to be alive and an enemy army that told me that I could never heal if I always wished he was still alive.

I will always wish that there had been another outcome. I can't see how I could love someone and not want them alive. I can see the beauty in what has happened as a result of his death. I can be thankful for that beauty and the changes in my life that have moved me into a space of loving more in the moment. 

But I can never stop wanting him alive. That's not a matter of discontent, it's a matter of wishing he, himself, had a shot at living a life that he was capable of and wanted. 

A loving desire can and should make us see past ourselves and look at our desired subject as something or someone that has value. Without want, the world and everything and everyone in it becomes dull and useless to us. It lacks color and vibrancy. 

Synonyms for desire are words like: eagerness, enthusiasm, yearning, burning. These words spark my imagination in ways that make me take action. They can take a mundane life and turn it into an open space of possibility. 

I desire. 

I desire a life that keeps me curious. A life that makes me get up every day and try harder. A life that is filled with love to the bursting. A life where creativity reigns supreme. 

A life, that at the end of my time, I can look at and say, "I desired...and I lived as much as I could as a result."