Catharsis

We use cathartic skills to cope with life's challenging thoughts or feelings. Usually in flux, it's using tools as we need them. Catharsis is purging of emotions through release, and the result is usually a feeling of freedom from them. 

I just keep purging and expressing. Sometimes, to the point of exhaustion. I write, sing, talk, wail, create..all cathartic things, yet I still feel like I'm going nowhere fast. I know this isn't true. Some days, I can see I am making strides. I try to honor those small signs of healing. 

Universe, what is it you require of me? What is it I am supposed to learn? How to cry until I am voiceless? How to hurt until I eventually become scarred over enough that I am unphased by it? It's almost like you're preparing me for something greater. I am a boxer with their coach, and I have to swing until I land the perfect punch. 

Some days, i want to shut down my heart and mind, crawl into my bed and sleep. But no matter how much I feel like that, I don't do it. 

I pick myself back off the fucking ground and I stand in the fire some more. 

I can't even begin to hide my sadness from others. I try, to save them from feeling the need to protect me..which I don't need. Sometimes I hide it because I know other's are hurting more than I am and I am giving them that time to just express without feeling like they are adding to my own pain. Everyone deserves that.

But, my ability to contain it is eroding. 

If I could paint a mental picture for you, it would be an image of a person with their chest a gaping wound..screaming. 

In all of this, I still can't shut down my heart to newness and wonder. I have a curiosity. I still want to jump in, feet first, and absorb every little scrap of living, that I can. 

So here I am. Raw from the pain. Tears running down my face. My soul seeping from my pores.

And I scream at the universe, "what else have you got for me?!" 

Bring it the fuck on. 

I'm not bullet proof, but I'm fairly certain I've proved I will get back up and stand there and take the beatings you give me. I may rest for a moment, but life is too short to hide. 

I just have to remind myself that I am not weak.. I am actually quite strong. Even when I'm on my knees and sobbing. I am holding on and I know, with all of my heart, I will stand again.