Tightrope Walking

I have never touched freedom as much as I have this year. I have become a bird who's clipped wings have grown back. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't express my gratitude for it by stretching them and using them. 

But with freedom there are always periods of sheer madness. It can't be helped. Just like light and dark are needed, freedom and madness go hand in hand. 

I have moved myself into a space of loving and living more. My days are full of creativity and an honesty that most shy away from. 

The madness comes because my willingness to open myself up to the world leaves me vulnerable. The love that has touched me has left me with feelings ranging from elation to acute grief. 

Yet, I can't stop. I can't stop flying. I want to suck every ounce of feeling out of my days. I want to experience it all. Even the hard stuff. I know it means growth. 

I'm sometimes riding a fine line. I know this. Sometimes that line represents a joy that can't be replicated, and sometimes it represents a sadness that brings me to a breaking point of deciding how much more I can handle before I finally cross it into oblivion. 

People keep telling me how strong I am. I fucking know it. Believe me, I know it. I've stared death in the eyes on many occasions and turned my back to it and the lies it tells me to draw me in. But being strong does not make it hurt less. 

It's times like this that I'm grateful for my wings. I feel their gentle breeze and it pulls me back to reality and I let them carry me away from the ocean of tears and grief.

It isn't all dark these days. 

Sometimes, I do something completely out of the ordinary and let the craziness of it wash over me like a spring rainfall. I enjoy the small moments of adventure and impulsive decisions that start with no destination but lead me precisely to the place where I need to be most in that moment. 

I dance. I haven't danced in many years...but I can't stop my body now. From standing in front of a live band and bouncing up and down while I shoot up devil horns to letting my weightless body slice through the water in ways it could never on land.. I dance. 

I talk to people from the heart. I let them know how much I cherish them..even if they can't really hear my intention or aren't prepared to hear it. It's not about having my feelings reciprocated, it's just letting them know that my love is freely given. No expectations. 

I know there are times that my behavior may confuse those around me. I ask you to imagine a trapped animal who has lived in a cage for years and has been set free to the wilds again. 

I must run. Captivity is my greatest fear now.