Playing It Safe

Hi, my name is Terralyn. I've been sober for almost a year. My drug of choice was safety.

If there was a support group for people who were afraid of living, I could have been the facilitator. 

I'm not suggesting I haven't had my share of fun and adventure. I have. I really have. At some point, I lost that want to jump, and I made myself a sweet little net to carry around to fall into when risks scared me. 

I lived fearfully...and that's not really living. 

I was afraid of dying, losing relationships, going new places, being alone, saying 'no' to people, pain...the list goes on and on. I became an anxious monster who sat in her cave and watched life happen around me while I ruminated over the lurking danger around me. I carved the days in the walls to mark the time to remind me that hiding had kept me alive and fairly hurt free. (at least that's how I viewed it)

I wasn't alive. I certainly wasn't free from hurt. I was dead inside except for the fire of anxiety that burned every day. I was consumed by it. I clung to to it like a child clings to their favorite blanket. I'd cover my eyes to the world with it. 

In an instant, my life turned upside down and all the false security I had been surrounded by, was suddenly gone. Poof. Gone. It walked out on me and I became a crazed woman. I remember days of crying so hard from my fear that my heart literally hurt. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I didn't create or destroy. I gave up on myself so completely that I was accepting the worst as the outlook for my future. I felt I was nothing. I had nothing left. 

So many people live like I did. They bide their time by taking a back seat to their own lives. They put blinders on and accept what lies their eyes can see..not the truths all around us when we turn our head to look at them. 

The risks I take now may seem inconsequential to many..but I am just learning to live again. A year is not very long. I have years to make up for. 

Living is not always the grand displays of adventure that we are shown in media. Sometimes, it's a quiet whisper, saying, "do something uncomfortable today." For some, that could be as simple as choosing to get off the couch and moving their body. It could be saying 'no' to people in your life that prey on your fear of being unkind. Sometimes living is choosing to get up every single day, even when it feels like you can barely get a sock on one foot before your pain starts to remind you it's still there...waiting. 

I'm not a victim to anyone. Please don't misunderstand. I was a victim of my own choices and inaction. I created the hell I lived in. I took life's traumas and weaved them into sweater. It kept me warm for short periods of time. 

Here's reality. We are never truly safe and any choices we make based on the lie that we are safe, are based in fear and not love. Love of yourself. Love of life. Love of living. 

So, today, I choose to continue to make myself stretch a little more. I choose to welcome the unknown and wonder at it's ability to change my world in ways that I could never expect. I wake up and start each day with curiosity. I choose to embrace the bumps and bruises and dust off and keep going. 

I choose to risk it all...because I am alive.

I blew that cave up and watched it crumble as I walked away.