Longing

I have a longing so deep that time threatens to stand still for it...and it often feels like it does. I watch days pass as my yearning grows stronger and stronger. 

Patience has never been a strong characteristic of mine when it comes to knowing what I want. I'm not talking about material things. I rarely long for anything material. It's not what drives me. I long for the things in life that add to my happiness. Love, affection, growth, and momentum.... peace.

It's hard for this logical planner to sit back and see what's in front of me, know that I want it as part of me, and know that I either can't have it or I need to be patient. It's right there. I can touch it and feel it..imagine how it would be to have it. 

Not yet. Maybe not at all. 

It's not easy to hear that internal drum of my heart chanting, "yes, Terralyn" only to have the universe say, "not yet, Terralyn." It interrupts my dancing. It pervades my thinking and makes me feel like a toddler in a toy aisle. "I want that!" The internal tantrum, only able to be hushed by reality. 

Reality can be a cold hearted bastard. So much of my thinking comes from imagination..but reality requires truth and an exactness that is so precise that it jabs at my heart with it's long finger and mocks me. It tells me to shut down my imagination and face what's in front of me.

And I do. 

It's painful sometimes. I can't have everything I want. Sometimes not without a lot of work and sometimes not at all. I know.. I know that not everything I want is realistic..it doesn't stop me from yearning. 

It's right there within my reach. My fingers brush against it, caress it, touch it for a moment.

And it's flown off again like a playful butterfly. 

For now, I have to learn to be patient. I have to quiet my mind and heart to the point of exhaustion from the struggle of it. I know it will make me a better person. It will make me appreciate what I have. It helps me stay in the present moment.

But sometimes, I just want it now. 

And like that toddler reaching for a toy, I am told, "no."