Resiliency

Having worked in the mental health field and volunteering in the community, I've noticed a trait that some people have and some people lack. It's a trait that I feel is mandatory to survive the hardships, move on from our past, and to flourish as a human being.

Resiliency is the ability to hold or recover our shape. It is a type of strength that can't be broken by events or people.

I've watched my daughter struggle through some very difficult things in her teen years. Things that could render a person unable to function. Events that could have made her bitter and angry and unwilling to move forward... but she chooses to keep fighting. On the other hand, I've seen people crumble from past issues. They are unwilling to let go and they live in a constant state of being a victim.

I worry about our youth. I worry that we, as a society, are not fostering resiliency. It has become acceptable to wear our emotional scars like a thick coat...keeping out the possibilities that life holds. It is becoming normal to talk more about our hurts than our triumphs. Worse yet, there is an attentiveness offered to those who choose to stay in their painful past, and those who are living and trying get ignored.

It is now considered harsh to tell a child to 'get back up and keep going'. We allow them to stay in their pain, be it physical or emotional, without any encouragement to find the positive in the situation or moving on from their pain. I do believe that all negative situations have a positive side to them. Call me Pollyanna, but it has kept me alive and thriving.

Do not misunderstand me. I am not suggesting that we ignore mental health issues, abuse issues, or any other issue that is damaging. I am suggesting that we also focus on teaching each other that we do not have to let our pain define who we are. We can choose to see that it is the surviving and growing that defines us.

I have interacted with people who live in the past. They are very hard to maintain relationships with because they leave no room in their hearts for the positive that could occur. Their dialogue becomes a revolving door of pain and suffering, spinning so fast that I can't stop it. These people often spend their lives feeling very alone, not understanding that their refusal to get out of that cycle is what's keeping others away. They are quick to blame others for being mean and uncaring..but it's really hard to get your arms around someone who is thick in the layers of their own pain.

I rarely talk about the abuse I suffered as a child. Not because I am ashamed, but because I am not defined by it. I am often asked how I have been able to move on from the situations I lived through..my answer is always, "why would I want to stay there in that ugliness when there is so much more that is beautiful to experience?"

These are things we need to remind each other and our children of. Life is full of wonderful, beautiful, breath taking moments..but we have to be willing to let go of the blinding pain to experience them.

What It's Like In Dental Hell

I've been MIA for a long time. A month and a half to be exact. Please forgive me, I've been in dental hell. You can't convince me it's not a place..cause I've been there.

In the last month, I've had five procedures done. Before you give me grief about flossing and taking care of my teeth, let me assure you that I do. Obsessively. Apparently growing up poor meant that the dental care I did get was shoddy..at best. It was like Satan himself went to drill a little bit and unearthed a tidal wave of decay and pain under those flimsy fillings.

I wont bore you with the details of what I had done to my teeth. I will instead, bore you with the details of what I did to pass the time while I was out of commission. Besides cry....a lot.

1. I ate an abundance of mushy food. Got any good variations on the old mashed potato recipes? I do. About five hundred of them. If you ever have a mashed potato party, I'm the girl to call.

2. I read at least ten books, which would have been OK..except that one of them was The Fault in Our Stars. I cried so hard that I nearly hyperventilated. I know, I sure know how to have a good time! Kendrick found me in the bathtub in the fetal position with snot running down my face. I assured him I was just having an emotional meltdown and to leave me in my misery.

3. Laid awake in bed wondering if I would ever sleep for more than three hours at a clip. My life turned into a series of naps. I literally lost a month of my life..gone..poof.. sayonara.

4. I took enough ibuprofen to make my liver start to pack it's bloody belongings and threaten to leave my body. If you know me, you know that I NEVER take that stuff. This past month I was taking enough to become a spokeswoman for Motrin. We will just skim over the details of what it did to my digestive system. Let's just say that I could have also been a spokeswoman for Charmin.

5. I contemplated sneaking into the garage and finding pliers to yank my teeth out. I wish I was kidding. Some insane part of my brain was reasoning that it would be a split second of pain and then it would be over. Thankfully, logic reigned and my teeth are still intact.

6. I stayed in pajamas and only got dressed to go to the dentist. More people saw me without a bra than I'd like to admit. If you made the mistake of coming to my house in the last month, I'm sorry for the emotional trauma I've caused you. I owe you. My boobs owe you.

7. I decided to try a heftier pain killer. Aka, I got ridiculously stoned. It didn't help with the pain but it made me itch like I was a crackhead on a binge. That's a joy. Note to self, don't take those pills again unless I'm sitting in an oatmeal bath and loaded up on benadryl.

8. I tried every type of topical oral pain reliever that was ever made. Why? Because my husband was so worried about me that he made it a priority to go to every single drug store in a hundred mile radius to find something 'better'. It usually just resulted in me slurring my words and drooling..which then made him worry I was having a stroke.

9. I ignored a lot of phone calls. People began to worry that I had died and no one had told them. I got text messages asking where I was, was I OK, did I fall off the face of the earth? Most of the time I didn't respond. I felt like I was playing a role in a mystery. It was kind of a precursor to seeing who would show up at my funeral...without the actual dying part.

10. I allowed my family to eat fast food. It was like a dream come true for them. To be fair, I sat glowering at them like I was a jealous girlfriend. The thought of standing at the stove to cook was enough to make me weak in the knees..so they got lots of crap food, and I got to lay in bed without worrying that they were starving to death.

Fingers crossed, today was hopefully the last of the big procedures. Now I just need to heal and the nerves in my teeth (and my head) need to calm the hell down so I can drink a glass of cold water without feeling like lightening is coming out of nowhere and striking me in the face, like God himself has a personal vendetta against me and is smoting me with pain that made me wish I was just gonna give birth again.

My kid is a smart ass

        The following is an essay my son wrote about lying. It was something I asked him to think on due to an increase in lying about silly little things. In true B format, this was his response.

Lying is when someone purposefully, or knowingly, gives someone else information that is wrong. This can be a major issue when one is to be trusted, as a person doesn't know when they will give correct answers or not. Lying has been an issue ever since creatures have communicated with one another, to lie and get the upper hand against the other. It arose most likely then from the survival instinct, proving to be a useful tool against those who had not yet discovered it. Some used trust to make bonds with others, to form communities because they found safety in numbers. And still some lacked the mental capacity for concepts such as lying and as such never developed that tool, and could have fallen victim to those who had. Then at some point man came along, and improved upon lying, made it into a science, before there even was sciences. Man used deception in strategies to hunt its prey. Like the suspected strategy of velociraptors, where one would come up and take the prey’s attention make it think it was far enough to escape if needed. But then as they had its attention, a few others were coming around behind it and on it’s sides to kill it. Such is the way deception was used for hunting, but once man had advanced far enough that it could overcome its feeble bodies and overpower its prey, they moved deception to each other. Man became the deceiver and the deceived, with many things such as religion, magic, politics, optical illusions, guerrilla warfare, and more. When there was no beast who could challenge men, they turned on each other. Devising ever more complex  weapons to defeat their enemy. And taking ever more offence to any insult, anything to give them a reason to challenge the so called enemy.

        From the previously stated situation one unifying religion arises to take its followers and lead everyone from the violence to, more or less, peace. Christianity at some point in that turmoil had arisen and taken a small hold, however, they were widely persecuted. Amongst the most despised religions of its era, but some how it had managed to gain favor enough with Rome to earn the Edict of Milan. This edict claimed that Christianity was no longer to be punished, but welcomed as the official religion of Rome, the superpower of its time, had just given Christianity some legitimacy. Through the years Christianity would grow, and flourish, with some compromises. One of which being Christmas, originally the Pagan winter solstice, a very spiritual time for what was the majority of the people then. Christmas was adopted as their holy savior Christ’s day of birth, to get more pagans to join their church. Christianity after the fall of Rome had some influence in Britain, but not much. The invaders after the roman decline were not so peaceful, and wanted nothing tied to roman culture left behind. So they burned pillaged and slaughtered anyone the Romans had left, including many christian monasteries. But as time went on, the christian people had a plan. They were to change everything from the baseline up. They started by rewriting the heroes of the people they were being persecuted looked up to. One of these many heroes was Beowulf in the famous poem, Beowulf. They fundamentally changed the story as they inscribed it since no one besides the monks were literate at that point, the story was strictly vocal. But the monks changed that and made sure to get their agenda done with it too. As the monks wrote the poem of Beowulf they changed the story in subtle ways to push their ideology of peace and compassion over the current one of war and violence. Changing where the poem would have said gods, to god. introducing the story of cain and abel to the story. And in even more subtle ways by shifting the characters attitudes towards each other and making thin similarities between the characters of Beowulf and the characters in Christianity’s holy book. Then once the changes started taking hold they started setting up churches and converting more and more people. Christians had many values to teach the people in that culture, but one of the main ones was about honesty. If people could not trust one another to tell the truth then they could not coexist. They could not trade, or even make laws, because those laws were open to the peoples decisions, and if they were deceitful then the laws could not do their job to regulate properly and without bias. Then the culture unravels based on grudges that accumulate because the people cannot trust the laws to take care of their disputes. After many centuries of British culture developing and evolving slowly, a few set sail for India, trying to find a safer way. However these travelers did not reach India, they came to America.

        American culture is based on the British culture we came from, however since then it have had influences from just about every other culture that one can imagine. The base in British culture means that at its roots america was a christian nation. The values of the american society throughout history have changed little. The main values for the most part were wealth, honesty, opportunity, and intellect. Though many politics have been excluded from many of them. Many politics have had a lot of bad reputation over the years for having not-so-honest streaks. Some have outright lied to the public. As such there is an air of distrust between the public and politics. They just seem to be out for themselves, many feel. President Clinton claiming he did not have sexual relations with one of his interns, Monica Lewinsky. Previous governor Eliot Spitzer of New York had an affair with a prostitute which he denied. Chris Christie previous governor of New Jersey lied(most likely) about knowing 2 lanes of traffic being shut down to spite someone who had posed against him in his gubernatorial race. So there is quite a lot of mistrust, which leads to disinterest, with politics in the United States. And leads to low polling rates, such as the average polling rate of new yorkers is around 45% of those who are registered. So of the 20 or so million in new york, roughly 50% are eligible to vote after restrictions and such. After that about 45% of those end up voting. After that the winning candidate gets around 60% usually. So with those statistics the winning candidate usually only gets 13.5% of the New York population. This is mainly from disinterest with the politicians themselves. America viewed them as in it for themselves, laundering money, lying, and hiding behind smoke screens to get away with anything. This is what was the fear in ancient time with deceit, that anyone with a quick wit could lie their way out of paying for their actions, and it is still happening today.

        Lying is a serious problem in any culture, for all its people. The people need to rely on each other for support, for trade, for many things needed throughout the day and if they can’t then problems can come up like depression from isolation and many other mental disorders have been studied in other high intelligence animals, such as the african gray, to come from lack of interactions. Other implications could be endangering of people based on incorrect information, or other complications.

Morbid Children's Rhyme Time

We've all heard our share of nursery rhymes. I can remember being a kid and being terrified of them. Most of them are horrifying. I thought it would be fun to do a series of posts where I break down a nursery rhyme and express my own thoughts on it.

There Was An Old Woman Who Lived In a Shoe
(as if this image doesn't say enough?)

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.

This line is obvious. Haven't you ever seen a shoe house? Where the heck did the woman find a shoe big enough to hold her and her millions of kids? Did she not ever question where it came from or worry that the owner was clearly a giant who would possibly come back to get his shoe and murder her and her family in the process??? You gotta think things through! How irresponsible. If you've got a shoe fetish so strong that you want to live in one, you probably should seek help.

She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.

Why didn't anyone ever teach her about birth control? Where are the fathers? How did her uterus not fall out, is an even better question. If you have so many children that you don't know what to do.. perhaps it's time to call in some help. There are lots of people who would love to adopt a child..COME ON LADY! I think it's time to stop sleeping around and possibly consider getting your tubes tied. I'm sure there's some clause under Obama care that could help you get it done. STOP HAVING SEX!

She gave them some broth without any bread;

Oh, well that's a healthy meal. What kid doesn't love JUST broth for a meal? If she had the means for some broth, couldn't she have kept the animal meat she got it from? Is she keeping all the good food to herself? Is she slowly starving the kids so that they will die off and make her life easier? Doesn't she know about programs like WIC? Again, I feel like she was hoarding kids instead of adopting them out. Instead of the crazy cat lady, she was the crazy kid lady. Let's face it.. it's never good to have any form of crazy. Someone get these kids a meal!!

And whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.

Did she ever consider that her kids were probably acting out because they were starving? Where the hell is child protective services?! It's great practice to whip your kids and send them to bed.. I mean, no need to worry that they wont wake up from the beating. Glad she could find the time to whip each of them, but couldn't find the time to scavenge some sort of food to feed them. Shows where her priorities are.

Seriously, this nursery rhyme scared the bajeezus out of me. I remember hearing it and just laying there paralyzed with fear. Are people still reading their kids these things? How have they not made it to a banned books list? 

Growing Up As a Poor Kid

Thought I would compile a top ten list of things that remind me of growing up as a poor kid. Enjoy!

Oh the joys of surplus food!! The peanut butter (and I call it that with trepidation) was so hard you needed a pickaxe to get it out of the container. We never had fresh cow's milk..only powdered milk that came from bags. Same with eggs, they came dehydrated in bags. Any one else remember the awesome cans of pork (again, not sure it could be called that) that were only identifiable by the black image of a pig on the front of the can? There were no boxes of sugary cereals with prizes in the bottom. Only big clear bags of unidentified flakes. As a poor kid you didn't invite friends over to eat. You escaped as often as you could to a friend's house and ate real food....like Little Debbie Snack Cakes. 

Horrifying jeans that had pleather patches at the knees to make them last longer. Wait..not just that, they said HUSKY in big bold lettering on the back pockets because I was a chubby kid. 

We got two new outfits a year. One for Easter Sunday and one for school. These jeans were the bane of my existence. They were not only unfashionable, they were indestructible! I remember sliding on our stone driveway on my knees trying to ruin them in hopes of getting something else. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is for a 12 year old girl to have to wear these?! Thanks, Grandma for allowing me to wear pants that announced to the world that I was fat and "husky". 

Christmas time.. I so badly wanted to believe in Santa Claus. I couldn't understand why everyone in my class always talked about getting toys and games and I got a stocking with pennies in the toe, along with an orange and maybe some chocolate. I remember a couple of years that our presents arrived in garbage bags left on our doorstep.. those were awesome years! I later found out that it was the Arctic League who had done that. Let's not forget that I was born in an era where pennies really didn't amount to much... it's not like it was the 1800's, when a handful of pennies was a huge treat! The most I was able to get was two hot balls. Yippee fricken skippy! 

Don't think for a minute that I owned shoes like this! Anybody else remember calling cheap, out of style shoes 'cat heads'? When you are poor, you get used to wearing popular clothes years after they were popular. Only when they started showing up in thrift shops did you MAYBE have a chance of getting something that was once considered fashionable. As a poor kid, you didn't care if you were out of date. You seized the opportunity to wear once stylish clothing if it became available. I had a favorite pair of leg warmers that I got long after the trend was over. I didn't care that I looked like a poorly put together Jane Fonda, five years after the fact..

A bike was my best friend. I remember getting a banana seat bicylce about 5 years after they were huge. It was rusted and discolored..but it was mine. A bike meant freedom. I left at sun up and didn't come back until dark. I can thank my out dated and dangerously old bike for many knee scars and butt rashes that the plastic seat gave me in the summer.

 Generic toys. On the off chance that you were lucky enough to get a new toy..you can bet your bottom dollar that it was a knock off of the real thing. Ever played with a fake Barbie Doll? If you have, you know that their heads snapped off if you looked at them wrong. Their hair always stuck on in an awful, unchangeable style..that you would always end up cutting. Not only did you NEVER want to look like one of these dolls, you hated them for existing. I wont even get started on fake legos.....

Hot summer days with no plastic pool. You learned to enjoy a garden hose..that is, until your grandmother caught you "wasting water" and would yell to turn it off. Seriously, I wanted a plastic pool so badly. If I saw one in a yard, it beckoned me like an oasis in the desert. I had images in my mind of sliding down the 12 inch built in slide and splashing like I was in a swimsuit photo shoot. Alas, we never had one. Totally surprised I never got some crazy illness from drinking from the rusty end of a garden hose. 

Terrible Halloween costumes. I was a sheet ghost for many years. Another popular costume of mine was the hobo. It consisted of one of my grandfathers flannel shirts and some dirt smeared on my face. I didn't care..it was that wonderful candy that I got to have only a couple times a year that I was after. We won't discuss how many times I fell flat on my face from tripping over the sheet...safety was never a big priority in our house.

Slicing ice cream rather than scooping it. 

I honestly did not know that scooping ice cream was an actual thing. I remember being old enough to go to a friends and watching them pull out a strange looking device that scooped it and being completely amazed. We rarely got stuff like ice cream, but when we did..it was sliced. Two bigger slices for the adults and equal smaller slices for the kids. That's just the way it was done. Ever try to eat sliced ice cream on a plate? It just slides around and mocks you while you drool over it.

Everyone laughed when Miley Cyrus cut her hair in a style that looked like she went at it with a weed whacker. Me..well it just made me think about all the horrible hair cuts I had as a kid. Whether it was a family member who swore they knew what they were doing, or me doing it..I had many.. MANY bad haircuts. I think the best was when I tried to cut my own bangs. Instead of achieving the popular look I was going for, I ended up looking like a monk who escaped a monastery in search for heroin. 

There you have it. Wonderful memories of a poor kid. I don't regret a minute of it. In fact..I laughed out loud several times while writing this. There's something about growing up as a poor kid that makes being an adult even more awesome. You certainly never take cracking real eggs into a pan for granted.

When It's Not Just Worrying

About 18% of the population in the United States has severe anxiety.

Let me be clear.. severe anxiety is not getting nervous before a test or worrying how you will pay your bills this month.

It is all encompassing. What may start as a thought can trigger a tsunami of mental and physical symptoms that can affect every part of your life.

The first time I had a panic attack I thought I was dying. It started as a rapid heartbeat that I could feel and I immediately started fearing that I was having a heart attack and that death was imminent. I got dizzy, couldn't breathe, couldn't talk, and couldn't stop the overwhelming flood of fear that came on as quick as you could snap your fingers. This first event landed me in the hospital hooked up to a bunch of monitors and wading through vials of blood...only to be told I was healthy.

I continued to have panic attacks several times a day for over a year... I couldn't leave home most of the time.

Like most people who experience anxiety and panic attacks, you fear having another episode. This fear then triggers yet another panic attack. It is a vicious cycle that easily takes your feet out from under you and keeps you spinning on the cycle..until you find a way to stop it.

The cycle of anxiety looks like this:

You can clearly see that it is a circle..and in the same way that a circle in infinite, anxiety can feel the same. 

I remember saying, "I can't do this forever...". At one point in my life I truly felt like I would go insane with anxiety. The problem is that anxiety creates all sorts of irrational thinking that will only increase the level of anxiety you are feeling.

So many people suffer in silence because they fear how others will react. They worry that they look like fools and become embarrassed. They get stuck in the negative cycle and begin to live their lives anticipating the next panic attack. 

Which is truly not living at all. 

We live in a society that is used to covering up feelings with medication. And while there are situations where medication can be helpful to some, it does not address the root cause of a person's anxiety. It becomes a band-aid. Once the band-aid is removed, the sore that is anxiety..resurfaces. The cycle then repeats itself. 

If you have or are suffering from panic, you may find yourself feeling that there is no hope for you. I have had many people tell me that there is no form of therapy that has worked for them or that they've tried it and didn't get anywhere. 

Not only do I firmly believe that dealing with the cause of anxiety can work, I believe it is essential to begin healing. 

I have been in therapy for more than 4 years to help me learn to manage anxiety. It has not been an easy process and there have been many hills and valleys on the journey. I still have days where I can feel panic start to creep in and I will find myself starting to have the same feelings that used to lead to full blown panic attacks. The difference is that I have learned how to make friends with it. I no longer feel afraid of it. It is a part of me that will, on some level, always be there. I just needed to learn that I was in control of it..and not the other way around. 

People who are anxious tend to doubt themselves and have a habit of continuous negative thinking. "I can't" used to be one of the most common phrases I would use. I had to realize this about myself and learn to break the lifelong habit of poor thinking. Anxious people are also very hard on themselves and have skewed self expectations. We feel like failures if we don't know something, can't do something, give up on something....

In short, we think we are super humans.

But we are just human...like everyone else. 

My intention in this post is not to pat myself on the back. It's to remind me and you that even though we may feel we are at war at times, it's a war that we can win. 

Today I have to face one of my (many) irrational fears..and I've learned long ago that I will always need to carry these reminders with me..and sometimes say them out loud. 

Cell Phone Challenge-2 Weeks Later

Two weeks ago I said I was going to challenge myself to give up almost all use of my cellphone. To see that post, go here: http://sparrowsramblings.blogspot.com/2014/03/are-you-ready-for-challenge.html

Not only did I go above and beyond what my challenge goals were, I found it surprisingly easy!

OK, OK, so the first two days were a little strange. I found myself reaching for my phone as I normally did and had to actually put it out of my sight to stop the habit of doing that. In fact, I was downright shocked at how habitual it had become.

The day before the challenge started, my husband and I talked about it, went over the goals, and agreed to try our hardest. I even went as far as to tell my family and friends about it, so they would know that I was not ignoring them. I also deleted all social media apps off my phone.

I got in the habit of leaving my phone in my glove compartment before heading in to appointments or stores. This was a huge accomplishment for me. I held firmly to the rule of not using my phone in the company of others, except for one time when I was visiting at a friend's house and wanted to tell my daughter goodnight.

It was really interesting to sit with someone and give them my undivided attention without interruption. I have to admit that this was not a huge problem for people outside of my home. My family were the ones that had to put up with my rudeness and lack of attention. It felt awesome to actively listen and make eye contact without saying, "just a second, I need to check who's texting me".

It has been absolutely freeing to let go.

Interestingly enough, during the two weeks of the challenge we had to buy our daughter a new phone as hers had broken. At Verizon, I asked about our data plans because I wanted to make sure we weren't in danger of going over our allowance. I actually asked about cancelling my data plan.. I had come to that point. I realized that I could easily live without a smart phone. Unfortunately, I would have to buy a new phone to do that.. but I think I will be doing that once this phone no longer works.

I asked my husband if he wanted me to write about how he did with it..and he said it was ok.

Simply put, he didn't try at all. He was really great if I asked specifically for him to put his phone away..but otherwise, it was as if we had never discussed the challenge.

I'm going to admit, I was a bit disappointed that no one else accepted the challenge. It would have been fun to see how it changed other's perspectives on it. Kudos to my cousin who isn't a cell phone user but did agree to challenge herself to not use her computer as much!

I haven't decided where to go from here as far as allowing myself to have the social media apps on my phone again. I can for sure say this.. I will continue to leave my phone in my car. I will continue to put it on vibrate and not use it in the presence of others unless there is an actual need. I will use it as a phone and not a portable entertainment device.

I've made some really great changes and had some pretty awesome discoveries by stepping away from my phone, I can't see me going back to the way it was two weeks ago.

Leaving The Nest

Tonight, a friend asked us if we wanted to go on a couples vacation with her and her boyfriend in September.

My first thought (as always) was.. my daughter.

For nearly eighteen years, all of my decision making has been based on what her needs are.

Then reality slapped me hard across the face, reminding me that she will be in college..and I immediately felt lost. I realized I had no reason to NOT go on a vacation. Yet I couldn't bring myself to say yes to the offer. I was so overwhelmed in that single moment, that I couldn't possibly make a choice without thinking about her first.

What if there was an emergency and I was far away?
What if she was sad and I wasn't near enough to pick her up from school and comfort her?
What if she ran out of money and needed food?

What if......

Do I know how to exist in a capacity that isn't tied to mothering? Have I lost my identity and sense of adventure because I have lived for her happiness and her needs?

I'm wrestling with these thoughts. The logical and reasonable part of me knows that it's healthy for her to move on from the shelter of my arms. To experience HER life, to find HER path, to live in a way that is free and full of purpose. I know this.

The emotional part of me never wants to let her get too far away...and it's fear based. I know better than to think that I can protect her from life by just keeping her safe in my nest. I know that's unhealthy. I know I need to let go.

It's just..so very hard. The hardest thing I've ever faced.

And I'm so sad. I will have to go days without her hugs. I wont get to do our silly things that we do almost every day. Mostly, I wont get to look in her eyes and see if she's truly happy or not..at any given moment.

A few weeks ago, she and I had a conversation about my feelings about her going to college.
Her: Mama, if you could keep me here forever, would you?
Me: Honestly? Yes... You are my baby. You will always be my baby.
Her: Do you think that's healthy?
Me: No! I know better. I know you need to live your life and that you have to learn to take care of yourself.
Her: I'm excited and scared at the same time.
Me: Do you think that's healthy?
Her: Yes.. yes I do.

And she's right.

I think back to when she was an infant. How there were some nights that she was sleepless..and thinking, "how many nights can I do this before I can't do it anymore?" I got through it, all moms do.

Funny that I'm feeling the same way right now. How will I get through this? I just keep reminding myself of the long weeks of sleepless nights...

I'll get through it. All moms do.

L,G,B.....you don't really know what to do with the T , do you?

Let's face some cold hard facts. If you are gay, lesbian, or bisexual...there is a great amount of support available for you. There is no shortage of support groups that can and will accept you for who you are.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's amazing that you have that support! It hasn't always been that way, and it's wonderful that we are moving along as a society and becoming more accepting and aware.

The problem with these support groups is that they've become a catch all. And while it's awesome that the gay and lesbian community is willing to accept everyone with open arms, acceptance is not all that is needed to help someone on their journey.

As a support group, it is imperative that everyone involved becomes education on the population that they are catering to. What may start out as good intention can quickly turn into a negative experience when people don't understand or learn the appropriate ways to interact with someone who is transgender.

I am an ally of the transgender population. I am outspoken, forthright, and unwilling to bend when it comes to the treatment of someone who is trans*. I have seen some recurring themes among G,L,B,T,Q,I groups and it is troubling to me. I have had more than one person who is transgender express their concerns about being part of these support groups.

It is your job, as a support group to have resources to help a person. It is not OK to assume that your challenges are the same, or that you can relate in the same way. In fact, it's better to say, "help me understand" than it is to say, "I know how you feel because..."

Be an ally by helping fight for civil rights that are lacking for the trans* community. Just like people have fought for the rights of the gay community for years, it is now time to pay it forward and keep our society evolving and learning.

No, trans* people do NOT want to be a part of your drag shows. In fact, it is sometimes viewed as a slap across the face to watch people use gender as entertainment. Do not ask them if they want to participate...they are not "gender illusionists", they are simply trying to live as the gender they identify as and do not want attention focused on them as they try to establish their life.

Stop asking when they "came out" to their friends and family. Their lives have been spent trying to understand themselves and their feelings. There is no celebration or coming out party for them. In fact, to focus on their sex assigned at birth is rude and demeans their feelings about their gender. Generally, it's a period of time that they would like to forget. Just like you, they were born this way.

No, they don't typically want to participate in rallies, parades, or other activities that draw attention to them. They came to you because they need allies, they felt that you would be accepting and understanding about their needs and difficulties in traversing through life as a trans* person. They don't want the pomp and circumstance, they just want friends who understand them.

Stop trying to guess who they are. We don't all need to have a label. Don't try to pigeon hole them by asking them how they identify, what their label is, why they are at your group. They will share what they are comfortable with..other than that, be a friend and assume that they need a friend.

Often times, there is a tremendous amount of emotional turmoil when learning to understand and identify your gender for what it is. As a support group, it is your job to provide resources and help in ways that do not make them a poster child. Let them be the silent partner in raising awareness. You be the voice they need.

Invite someone to speak to your group specifically about trans* issues, so that you can be made aware and educated. Research..research more...and share your knowledge with everyone who will listen.

Are You a Nag?

Definition of nag:

to annoy by persistent faultfinding, complaints, or demands

to keep in a state of troubled awareness or anxiety, as a recurrent pain or problem

to find fault or complain in an irritating, wearisome, or relentless manner

At some point in our lives, we have all been guilty of nagging. Whether it be a spouse, partner, child, coworker, or friend..at some point, someone's been on the receiving end of poorly directed frustration. It happens from time to time to the best of us. But what starts out as an isolated incident can turn into a negative habit that is so pervasive, that it can completely ruin relationships and have long lasting consequences.

Whether you are a spouse who constantly berates your partner for not helping around the house or a parent who bullies their child (nagging truly is a form of bullying) because they aren't meeting your expectations, it's important to understand the mechanics of this behavior. 

The whys- A person who nags generally can relate to one or more of the following:
1. The person you are nagging is not living up to your expectations. Reasonable or unreasonable, we often have very clear expectations of what we expect from others. 
2. You have poor methods of communication.
3. Your relationship is lacking boundaries and rules, or lacks consistent discipline.
4. Your sense of self is poor, therefore you want to seem in control.
5. You are over extending yourself and not asking for help before you fall apart.
6. You have, at some point, had the result you wanted from your negative means of communication.
7. You are hyper focused on the negative things in your relationships.
8. You are not addressing issues as they happen and are waiting until you are past the point of efficient dialogue.
9. You feel you are not heard and acknowledged. 

What happens to to the person who is being nagged? 
1. They learn to correlate communication with negativity and guilt.
2. They shut down. Often a person who is being nagged truly doesn't hear you because they've learned to tune you out to avoid the negative feelings that will occur.
3. They often match your anger or frustration with their own, causing a power struggle or escalating the situation.
4. They lose trust in you, stop confiding in you, avoid you, and learn to avoid feelings.
5. They don't know where they stand with you, so their behavior often becomes erratic and unpredictable.
6. They feel poorly about themselves because they know they are constantly letting you down.
7. They learn a cycle of negative communication that crosses over into other relationships.
8. They learn to expect and look for the negatives instead of the positives. 
9. They don't know when or how to properly express themselves or express problems because they haven't been taught to or they are afraid to.

These reactions ultimately lead to a tremendous breakdown in a relationship if they are not addressed and processed. I have witnessed romantic relationships crumble. I have seen children who begin to isolate and fear adult interaction because they are distrusting. 

Breaking the habit of nagging can prove to be a challenge. It becomes so ingrained that it often becomes the first reaction to a situation. Learning the reasons why you nag is the first step to overcoming this knee jerk reaction. It is important to begin focusing on your own intentions and feelings in order to understand why you nag. 

Repair your relationships by candidly talking to the person involved about your behavior. Apologize and come up with a plan about how you will handle frustrating situations. It is good practice to recognize the triggers and learn to step away for a moment to compose yourself and come up with a way to handle it. If you slip up, apologize again and start over. It will take practice.

If your child or children do not follow directions, understand that this is due to your parenting techniques. Boundaries, follow through, and discipline are taught...by you. By nagging them, you are ignoring the bigger problem of why they are misbehaving. 

Know your partner's strengths and weaknesses. Often times in relationships, we assume that our partner knows what we want and will act accordingly. Make it a habit to talk about your wants and needs, and listen to theirs. People are more willing to understand you when you take the time to understand them. 

In any relationship, it is important to look for the positives. The more you do this, the more inconsequential the negatives seem. There will always be disagreements and moments of unhappiness in relationships, but if you have laid a foundation of positivity, you will be able to build on that. Negativity is a weak foundation to any relationship and will crack and fall apart easily.

Are You Ready For A Challenge?

Cell phones are everywhere. It is more common to see someone with one than it is to see someone without one. These little boxes of handheld technology have permeated every aspect of our lives. In fact, there is not much you can't do with a phone. "There's an app for that" is true. They've replaced cameras, gps, tv, reading real books, the need for real face to face interaction with others, snail mail, going shopping, newspapers, magazines, alarm clocks, writing things down.. the list goes on and on and on.

There are some things that phones can not replace though. Real life, hands on experiences with the world around us. The ability to tangibly reach out and experience our surroundings. The wonder of watching events take place with our own eyes instead of through a lens. Human interaction on a base level..touching, talking, watching body language, experiencing a moment together. There have been so many times when we have gone out to eat and I've been saddened seeing a family or couple who are so immersed in their phones that there is no human interaction.

I would be a liar if I said that I haven't allowed my phone to take precedence at times when it shouldn't. This little plastic and glass gadget rarely leaves my side. And even though we have fairly strong rules about cell phones in our house and in public, I still find myself tethered in a way that is pervasive. There are notifications for every social media, messengers, and programs to share pictures and videos. It isn't until I turn my phone off that I realize I enjoy the silence and the lack of being available constantly.

There has been an article that has been circulating over Facebook. Have a read here:
http://www.oddcrunch.com/why-you-should-get-a-divorce/0

It got me thinking about just how much I've allowed my phone to become something I rely on..when I don't need to. I've been known to put people in real life on hold to take a call or check a message. That's not only unacceptable.. it's just shameful.

Kendrick and I have decided to create a challenge for ourselves. I'm hoping that you will join us and share your experiences with us. There is no question that this will be difficult on some level for everyone involved. The alternative is to continue to create an immunity to life experiences.. and to be honest, real life is more rewarding than anything a phone can offer.

Here's the challenge. My goal is to try this for two weeks to start, and then report my findings to you.

1. No phones at any meal
2. No checking or using the phone in the company of others unless there is an emergency.
3. As a passenger, no use of phone. Take the time to talk and look at the world around you in a different way.
4. Agree on a time to allow yourself to use your phone for entertainment. Up to an hour a day, no more.
5. Instead of using your phone to soothe your child, interact and play with them.
6. Set aside a place (a basket or bowl) for people to deposit their phones in during specific times like meals and family/friend/couple activities.
7. If you are at an event that you want to take pictures, but don't have a camera.. turn your phone on airplane mode and put it away after taking a few pictures.
8. If you use your phone as a gps, that is fine..but it should otherwise not be used in a vehicle for anything but that.
9. Use a computer to check your email and social media at moments throughout the day. Do not use your phone to check Facebook or any other social media unless you don't have a computer. If this is the case, use part of your allotted hour of entertainment to do so.
10. If you are outside, no phone use. Take the time to enjoy nature. There is no need for a phone in a situation like this.
11. Uninstall messengers. Use your computer at the proper times to check your messages.

Keep this list handy. Discuss it with those who are taking the challenge with you and come up with times and plans that suit your needs. Add to the list to make it work for you!

I do understand that there are some of you that use your phone for work, I understand this completely. Try to incorporate the challenge in other ways.

Comment on my Facebook post or on this blog to let me know you are involved! I am excited to see who will try it.

Things I'll Never Learn..Apparently

As I was standing at the sink rinsing off dishes, I did this...

As the water splashed and splattered all over me I thought to myself...

"Self....at 37 years old, you should know better than to keep doing this EVERY time you wash a spoon!"

Apparently, there are things that time and experience can't teach me. So I've compiled a list of stupid mistakes that I will probably make the rest of my life.

Shampoo in my eyes. How hard is it to remember to keep my eyes closed while washing my hair? Pretty difficult I guess since I'm still screaming like a wild banshee in the shower about once a week. This always results in knocking over bottles and the screaming more because it hits a foot. Maybe it's time to switch to a baby safe shampoo....

Since I'm on the topic of showering. Another common thing I do while thinking deep, philosophical things.. is forget to rinse out conditioner. Nothing like running your hands through your hair an hour after a bath to realize you've got an oil slick on your head. Since the girl in the picture below is rocking it.. I guess I can say at least I'm trendy?

One of my classic moves is putting my clothes on inside out. It's always awesome to be in public and have someone announce that I've done this. My favorite is struggling to snap my bra for a good five minutes only to realize that it's inside out... I've got big boobs. I've had to wear a bra for most of my life. You think I would notice that I'm sitting there struggling to snap the damn thing and that something isn't quite right. 

Anyone who knows me knows I'm not exactly graceful. Living in a house with hardwood floors just makes this worse. Someday I will learn to slow down when I'm just wearing socks on my feet (or my favorite footie pj's). There's nothing like the rush of adrenaline you get when you take a corner too fast and slide. It keeps my heart healthy. 

I'm not gonna split hairs. I like food. I like the taste of it.. and if a small piece of cake is all that's available, fine. If a whole cake is sitting in front of me.. forget about it. I need to get that stuff into my mouth asap. The problem is that sometimes my eyes are bigger than my stomach. I seem to only remember this after the fact. When I'm rolling around in pain, clutching my stomach, and praying to anyone that will listen to come save me from impending death by food.

Can you make out the picture below? Me either.. I find myself in this situation often. I leave the house, get in the car and realize five miles away that everything is a blur because I've forgotten my glasses..yet again. Who the heck decided to make the writing on street signs so small? Why do I forget my glasses? One would think that a person would derive joy from seeing the world in a crisp and fresh way. I see a running theme here of being a glutton for punishment.

Back to the food topic. Did I mention I reaaalllly like food? Why, for the love of all that is holy, do I continue to eat foods that make me feel like I've just set my stomach on fire?! Tomatoes, pineapple (which, by the way.. I'm allergic to and still eat), pasta, cucumbers.. you name it. It can hurt, but it's still going in my mouth. This always results in a tearful rendition of, "why did I do this? Again."

How many times will I take interest in a craft or hobby, go out and spend tons of money on it only to lose interest halfway through? Why do I do this to myself and my budget? You know how many half finished knitting projects I have in a box somewhere? I can't answer that because I don't know, nor do I want to. Sorry for all the babies that never got their blankets.

I'm a fairly organized person. I like things to be in a specific place. I love filing. I love.... to kick my shoes off in random places, only to yell like a jerk when I can't find one of them, insistent that someone has done it specifically to aggravate me. I hate that the furniture industry has decided that couches look better up off the ground. Not only do half of my shoes end up there, but so do cat toys, bits of food, toys, socks..etc. 

Hopefully, my stupidity has made you laugh. I like to tell myself that brilliant people are often the most absent minded. Yeah....... let's go with that.

Laundry Laundry Everywhere

We all have mountains to climb...mine is made of laundry.

What is it about laundry that is so daunting and soul sucking? Washing and drying it is easy. In fact, it's one of the easiest household tasks that one can do. Throw it in, dump some stuff, hit a button..it's done. It's the putting it away that really sucks.

I'm not going to lie. If you were to walk down to our basement or bedroom on any given day of the week, you would find laundry mountain. It's clean..it's dried....it just never made it past that point. It's a dirty little secret... well a clean BIG secret.

Here are some tips of how to live with piles of clean laundry.

1. Keep your bedroom door shut at all times. Don't invite company in to see something in your room. People start assuming it's a mysterious room full of treasures when in reality, it's just a mess.
2. If by chance someone sees the laundry, perch a cat on top and scold the cat for knocking over all the folded laundry..again. (apologize to your cat later) They wont tell on you.
3. Put a "to donate" sign on it. That way people will assume you are just a good person.
4. Learn to use your dryer as an iron. Clothes all wrinkled from sitting in a pile? Pluck out what you need and throw it in the dryer with a damp towel... it will be wrinkle free in no time.
5. Do you have little ones at home? Teach them that Mommy isn't a slob by allowing them to jump off the bed into the piles of laundry. This makes you cool and fun.
6. Learn to rotate the same outfits. Who are we kidding? You haven't missed the clothes at the bottom of that mountain..get creative with the clothing that is always on top.
7. Stop being a snob about matching socks. Call yourself quirky and people don't bat an eye at the fact that you have one argyle sock and one ankle sock on. They will think you are just a unique individual.
8. Buy tons of underwear. There's nothing worse than running out. Keep your eye out for sales and purchase several weeks worth. You'll thank me later.
9. Use hangers for everything. People are quick to judge a pile of laundry... but I find that if everything is hanging from the rafters, they just think we are running a cleaning service.
10. Make teens do their own laundry on the guise of teaching them responsibility. Remember not to be judgy when you walk in their room and see the clean piles. You taught them that trick.

If it gets bad enough, I suggest keep lengths of rope tied to doorknobs.. when you enter the bedroom, tie one around your waist so you can use it to guide you back to the door. Otherwise you run the risk of being lost forever in laundry mountain.

And no one will here your muffled screams of help through all of it.

God speed.

Gifts From The Universe

Today we were driving through the city and Kendrick and I both saw an elderly woman..bent over completely, trying to manage grocery bags. As I drove by, I watched a man walk right around her as if she was invisible and we looked at each other as we often do and turned around to help.

Kendrick gets out and approaches her, asking if we could give her a ride somewhere and she looks at him as though she is frightened. I tell him to show her his badge so that she will understand she can trust us and as soon as she saw it she became animated, explaining she has been robbed before and was scared.

We get her in the car where it's warm and I ask where she wants to go. She can't even look up and make eye contact because her back wont allow her to sit up that straight..and she says, "I take the bus as far as I can and I walk home the four miles from there."

My heart immediately breaks. She woman is all of ninety years old, and she's walking that far in the snow and cold.

"You point the way and we will get you home where it's warm" is all I can muster at that moment.

Little did we know that she lived 15 miles out into the country.

After a few minutes of silence, she starts talking about where she's from, her childhood, her neighbors..the landscape and how it's changed over the years. She tells me a story about how when she was a child she had nine cows and two calves. She showed me where she used to run with them...miles of land that she covered on her feet. How she used to find it funny when the calves would get lost and she felt like it was an adventure trying to get them home.

She pointed out homes and told us who lived there, how they died, who lives there now. How Joe built this barn and sold it. Richard used to have a huge herd of cattle but then he moved away. The fire department used to be here..and if you look..you can see my house on a clear day through the trees.

I was transported back through time to her youth..and I could picture her running over the hills chasing her cows without a care in the world. I could see her square dancing with her community in the hall that she pointed out and I smile to myself as if I am reliving her memories with her. I felt the joy in her stories, the kinship with her community, the love of the land.

When we arrive at her house it becomes clear that there is no driveway or sidewalk. Just a hill covered in snow and ice. In it you can see the trail she's left. Deep footprints line the way, on the right side of each footprint is a hole from her cane, on the left, a hand print showing the effort that it takes to climb the hill to her door.

I ask her if I can give her our phone numbers to keep so that if she needs help again, she can call us. She looks at me sweetly from the side and says, "yes."

"My name is Alice. Spelled like A-lice." I giggle at her joke and tell her that I was so happy to meet her and thanks for the stories along the way. She looks at her hands and smiles..the sweetest smile.

Kendrick helps her out...and as if she was made of glass, he leads her to her door. Holding her bags and her hands. I fall in love with him again, like I have hundreds of times since we've been together.

Half way up the hill she stops and turns around. Stands up as tall as she can and yells to me, "Bye, Terralyn!" Waving enthusiastically. As if I was a friend. Not someone she just met.

In that moment, I realize that my initial feeling of pity for her has been replaced by pride in her. She is not a fragile old woman. She is strong. She has survived for over ninety years in the country..and still has the energy to keep going, to be involved in the community, and to share stories of times past with those who will listen.

Thank you, Alice.

What's Inside

You say there's a monster inside you..
A vicious, evil entity..
devouring you from the inside out.
It awakens at night
It clouds your vision
It lies to you
Takes the warmth out of the air and leaves you breathless with fear

But I know,
A perfect shell such as yours
Could never harbor such darkness

Your spirit is a bright, white light
Emanating from within

It's been chained from the hurt
You're afraid to free it
Because you've shared your light before
And those around you sought to dampen it...put it out

It's still there...
Softly pulsing within you
Waiting to be free
Waiting to consume you
Wanting to illuminate your world
Wake up your senses

You only have to open your heart and release it

The light within you will drive back the dark
It will guide your steps
Heal your open wounds
And allow you to see the hands that are waiting to hold yours

My love,
You've no need to fear what's inside you
You only need to let it out
Bask in it
And when it's grown strong enough

Share it with the world.

I Am Fat, You Are Skinny...We Are Humans

Everywhere I turn I am made aware of the importance that society places on a human being's size.

If you are too heavy it's disgusting, if you are too skinny..it's disgusting. Not only are people outspoken about this, they feel it's OK to judge, laugh, ridicule, and point out our physical differences.

Clearly, not much has changed in the world of media. That's a given. Who I am referring to are everyday people. You, me, the people that make up our families and communities. These are the people that are overtly attacking others based on their outward appearance.

I saw a video on Facebook today that was two bigger women dancing. This was posted for the sake of humor. Look at the fat girls dancing! Let's all laugh about the fact that these two women love their bodies enough to dance openly. Let's laugh about the fact that they embrace their size and are proud of their bodies.

On the flip side. I see posts about women who's hip bones show. How it's disgusting and sickening. Thigh gap is a dirty word. Being a size 2 is gross...and they need to eat more.

So what's right? There is NO right. There is no size that is wrong.

Beauty is not about specifics. What is beautiful to you may not be beautiful to another. That does not mean that it is OK on any level to judge or demean a person based on your own preferences. Furthermore, I would challenge any person to take a look inside to see what makes them want to pick on someone at all.

Being skinny, average, or heavy does not change the integral part of a person. They still have a heart and feelings. They are not immune to hurtful words or acts of bullying from other people.

Social networking has created a sense of entitlement. It is easy for people to sit behind a computer and mock others. Yet I would venture to guess, that if you were in a real life situation similar to what you are posting, you would not have the audacity to loudly mock a person. It's "safe" to do this on platforms that are internet based because there is little retaliation. That does not make it right or OK. You are still referring to someone's family, child, friend, wife, husband..they are real people with real lives.. and you are being demeaning for your own benefit. What is that benefit? How does it serve you?

A bigger question. How does your behavior serve human kind?

This, to me, is no different than discrimination based on race, gender, sexual orientation, disabilities, religion..and all the other things that make us unique. You are simply picking out one thing that makes a person different from you and exploiting it.

For some, loving their outer shell does not come easy. They struggle every single day to find an ounce of pride in their body. Dysfunctional eating and body dysmorphia are very real problems. As are things like self harm. Your words can help or harm. It is your choice. You can choose whether to embrace the uniqueness of each human, or you can set yourself apart and live in a very small world.

Despite what your choice is, remember..words are powerful. What you say can cause someone to love themselves a little more or hate themselves a little more.

Photo credit: This is a photo my daughter took of herself. It was a moment of pride at a time when she was struggling to find her happiness. This was her response to bullies.