In my case, I also turned my awareness..inward.
I'm a firm believer that there is always something to be gained from negative experiences. Some things are so hard, and our initial reaction is to kick like a mule to get the negative thing away from us. In the anger and frustration of those moments, we lose our ability to grow. We shut down our hearts and our brains and run away. Would it be great if we could learn from the positive only? Yes!! But, that's not how life works. My biggest moments of personal growth have been because of the hard stuff.
Sometimes the hard stuff is learning that you have wronged someone. Sometimes you realize that the enemy you have been fighting, also lives in you.
Coming to the understanding that you are a bully is nothing short of heart wrenching. How did I get this way? Why am I behaving this way? Why did I hurt someone that I love so much? HOW can I make this better?!
Several years ago, I was making jokes at another person's expense. I would drive down the road and immediately say mean things about people. I saw with my eyes instead of my heart. I figured as long as I wasn't saying mean things directly to a person, that it was OK. Until I got caught.
The person who called my on my behavior is someone who I love. Not only did I hurt her, but I put our relationship at risk..a relationship I had been part of for twenty something years. This was one of the biggest wake up calls of my life. At what point in my life did I become such a mean person? Sure, in public I seemed caring, giving, thoughtful...but behind closed doors, I was mean.
Getting a laugh out of people was more important than protecting someone's feelings.
I was judgmental.
My first thought was to judge someone's appearance.
It was easier for me to say something negative than it was to say something positive.
My negative thoughts came automatically..this was a scary one.
I disliked myself in ways that I wasn't aware of.
My childhood was resurfacing and I was perpetuating the cycle of negativity that I grew up with.
I am human. Being human means I am prone to mistakes. Being human also means that I can choose to learn from those mistakes.
After mending (as best as I possibly could) the relationship that I had hurt..I set out to change myself. It started with a challenge that I thought would be easy and turned out to be hard. It also made me realize just what a jerk I had become. The challenge was this: Every time a negative comment came out of my mouth, I immediately retracted it and said something positive. Then I took it to the next level: Every time a negative THOUGHT happened, I verbally said something positive.
After getting that under control, I started looking at why I was even prone to such negativity in the first place. I could blame my childhood, because truly, it was full of negativity. But I knew that doing so was a cop out. The reality was that I was unhappy with myself. I was passive aggressive. I was taking control in unhealthy ways because it was still control. Kind of like a child seeking attention in negative ways, because it's still attention. I was being a child.
I decided to write this blog because I believe in full disclosure. I am an advocate in many regards. I fight bullying at home and in society...openly..proudly..and with a passion so deep that it motivates me every day. I was once a bully. I am not anymore. We can change our most ingrained patterns and habits to become a better person.
Here's my question to you. Are you a bully? You may be surprised at the answer.
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