Most of you that know me, know that I developed a condition called reflexive sympathetic dystrophy in my right foot and ankle after having major surgery. I refuse to give that name upper case letters, because quite frankly, it doesn't deserve it! At any rate, one of the ongoing issues I have had is a dead cold foot. I'm not kidding when I say "dead". Sometimes it looks like I have the foot of a corpse. It's blue or purple, bloated, and ice cold. (Try to refrain from getting turned on) So needless to say, unless it is summer, (and even sometimes then) barefoot isn't an option. In fact, most times, one pair of socks is not an option. I've been known to stack 4 socks on this thing I call a foot.
This has made me a bit of a sock hoarder. Every year for Christmas, I sweetly ask Santa (Kendrick) for socks...lots and lots of socks. "Santa" always replies with, "can't you come up with a better idea? I ALWAYS give you socks!" The problem here, is that Santa is not always choosy enough with his socks and they are unwearable. For example, socks that are as thin as those nasty wafers we used to eat for communion... It takes roughly 5 of them to equal one good sock. Socks that have threading on the inside make my foot feel like there are snakes slithering around on them. Socks that are tight around the band hurt to pull over my foot and make me whine. Socks that are too big slide around and make me insane. And let's not forget about the "one size fits most" knee socks. Those suckers make my calves look like large sausages stuffed in casings that will inevitably roll down within a few minutes. I sometimes feel like I am bridezilla on the hunt for the perfect wedding dress..except in my case it's socks. I've been known to drool over a pair of socks that cost more than it takes to feed a family for a week. The internal battle is strong, and it takes an act of sheer courage to walk away from socks like that.
Apart from the amount of socks I've amassed, I look like an eccentric weirdo. Matching socks are a thing of the past. Right now, this very instant, I am wearing a thick pair of black and white slipper socks on both feet, and then a purple striped sock PLUS a red, white, and black argyle sock on the right foot. I look like a character that got turned down for a Tim Burton role. I always try to plan ahead for situations where I will have to take my shoes off. Have you any idea how hard it is to color coordinate 4 pairs of socks to an outfit???
Long ago I heard a term called "cankles". It's used to describe a leg that has no differentiation between the calf and the ankle. See: Exhibit B.
That, my dear friends..is a cankle. I used to admire my legs. I had slender ankles and fairly nice legs. I now......have a cankle. If not from days where my ankle swells up like someone has injected it with enough filler to put Goldie Hawn's lips to shame, then from the sock layers. It's not attractive. Sometimes I like to humor myself and talk lovingly to my good foot for being so pretty and shapely. I'm hoping the praise will keep it motivated to stay slender.
I ask this of you. If you invite me over and I take my shoes off. Please understand that I am not crazy (well maybe a bit) and I did not jump into a laundry pile and choose random socks. That it is an orchestrated, thought out thing.
Also, if you see me snooping through your sock drawers..no worries. I'm not looking for sex toys, I'm looking at your sock collection.
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