The first time I realized I was going to get old was my 25th birthday. I laugh when I think about it. It's not at all been how I imagined...aging isn't about getting closer to death. It's comical. It sneaks up on you. It gives you the one two punch when you least expect it. Here is a list of what to expect when you're nearing forty.
1. Move over natural hair color, make room for a bottle of dye. I remember a time when I could pull my hair back without looking like a bag of flour exploded all over my roots.
2. Knees that threaten to let you fall down flights of steps. OR, knees that make going up steps feel like you are giving birth. Some of it's because I'm fat...I will own that.
3. Peeing a little when you sneeze. Do NOT talk to me about kegals...just don't. If you think a girl hasn't done everything (besides medicine and surgery) to stop this, then you've clearly never peed a little from coughing, sneezing, or laughter.
4. Your child will remind you that you are getting old. Often. They will call you names like "old lady" and "silver back" and mumble "limp, limp, limp" when they are walking behind you.
5. You can no longer eat what you want without gaining weight. Seriously, if you eat a big mac..it shows up clearly on your thigh two hours later.
6. Indigestion. Laugh it up young people. Enjoy your pizza. If it's the color red, it's going to burn later.
7. Napping. Before the age of 35, I hated the thought of a nap. Now I'm like a cranky toddler some days. I look forward to them.
8. Your vision gets wonky. I didn't have to wear glasses full time until last year. I seriously did not know that it was abnormal to not see blades of grass. Do you have any idea what it's like to put glasses on and see things vividly for the first time? It's like walking into Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.
9. You become picky about what you sleep on. I remember sleep overs on the living room floor. I remember camping in a tent, with only a sleeping bag. Now, if I try to do it, I can't stand up straight for a couple hours and I walk around like Ebenezer Scrooge...and just as grumpy.
10. Your thighs fall down around your knees. My legs were always shapely and long. Until I hit 30..and everything started heading south.
11. Boobs: see number 10
12. You understand the importance of investing in shoes that don't come from Payless Shoe Store....a little too late.
13. You turn down the radio when you are trying to navigate. Sometimes you just drive in silence, sweet magical silence.
14. You are often the oldest person among a group of people. You will ask everyone their age...and you will shake your head, because you don't understand when you got old...you don't FEEL old. At least not emotionally.
15. You will see younger people making the same mistakes you did and you will keep your mouth shut. In your twenties you feel it's your duty to forewarn younger people of their decisions. By 37, you decide it's not worth your time trying to lead them..after all, you remember doing the same stupid stuff and feeling bullet proof.
16. You enjoy getting utilitarian gifts. Why? Because you hate shopping and it saves you the hassle. Also, you spend all your money on your kids. So a blender seems like a huge deal to you.
17. You and your spouse will realize that your relationship does not revolve around sex. Sure it's still fun and important...but so is sleep. I can hear you now, "this will NEVER be me!" You just wait. You will eat those words.. and you will wonder what the hell happened to you.
18. You forget the names of people you went to school with. You sometimes even forget the faces of people you went to school with. Hell, you forget the names of people you've met in the last ten years. You start finding crafty ways to get them to say their name so you don't feel like an idiot. "This is my husband, Kendrick." Then when they shake hands, the unknown name introduces themselves. I've done this many times.
19. The cold is no longer fun. I see younger people posting pictures of them in the snow with friends and their kids and I shiver. Seriously, so glad that my kids are grown and I don't have to do it anymore. Instead of spending money on snow boots, you buy a nice electric blanket..and hibernate as much as possible.
20. Your idea of a fun night no longer includes drinking and parties. You are old enough to know you have no dance skills (even if your husband says otherwise) and you have no desire to deal with hangovers. A glass of wine gives you the spins..more than one keeps you up with heartburn and constant trips to the bathroom all night.
To anyone under thirty that may be reading this..live it up. Your time is coming. It's also the greatest time of your life because you no longer sweat the small stuff.
No comments:
Post a Comment