The title to this post was a trick to lure you in, doesn't every parent want to know the way to survive your child's teen years? Here's the thing..I don't have the answer. You just do it.....barely, and with lots of humor. Because if you can't laugh at your dilemma, you are going to crash and burn.
My daughter and I have a very candid, honest, and open relationship. There have been days that have been so insanely crazy that I thought I would lose my mind. I've literally said, "you are going to kill me before you reach adulthood." You may think that sounds harsh. If you do, I'm guessing you've never had teens, or your children aren't yet teens, or you are on some mind numbing medication that makes you not care about anything, OR, you gave birth to a saint. If the latter is the case, just quit reading. (cause you are delusional about your child. )
So, while I can't tell you how to survive this stage in life...I can give you some insight as to what to expect and how I've dealt with it.
1. There will be periods of wonderful happiness quickly followed by a brief period of anger and sadness. I don't care if you've won the mother/father/caretaker of the year award. This WILL happen. It's a wonderful thing called hormones. I've literally heard, "you are the best mom ever" only to hear a slamming door an hour later. This is similar to eating five foot long hot dogs and then going on a roller coaster that doesn't stop for several years.
How I handle it: Remind myself that if women can become temporarily insane from pms or having a child, that I am no match for hormones. I just wait it out until the moment passes and then either address the situation or let it go completely. We all need breathing room, your child is no exception. If feelings are hurt, then say so and move on. (and prepare to have this conversation at least a hundred more times) Also, bask in the joy of the good moments. Seriously. Don't resent your teen for things that are past.
2. The kid that used to bring home straight A's and was labelled a genius will suddenly stop giving a shit about their grades.
How I handle it: I don't expect straight A's. If my daughter gets an awesome grade, I praise her. If she get's an average grade, I praise her. If she gets a failing grade...well then..I send her to the gypsies. No really, there are consequences, but I've learned to choose my battles. I remember how hard it was to deal with all of the shit that being in high school brings. Heartache, socializing, peer pressure, bullying, and again..those wonderful emotions that are so hard to handle. Cut your kid some slack or they are going to snap.
3. When your child is a freshman, they will be overly concerned about their appearance. They will want stylish clothes, showers last an hour, they do their hair and makeup. When your child is a senior, they will want to wear the same outfit at least five out of seven days. They will roll out of bed ten minutes before you have to leave and come downstairs looking like they were on a week long drinking binge.
How I handle it: Insist on clean clothes and body. The rest is optional. Do YOU do your hair and makeup every single day? I rest my case.
4. In the span of your child's high school career (it really is a job), they will have as many hairstyles and fashion changes as there are flavors of ice cream. Remember those cute school photos that you showed off? They are a thing of the past. Not only because they ALWAYS happen on a day when your teen wakes up pissed off at the world, but because no one is allowed to take their picture unless they have signed a contract and sealed it in blood.
How I handle it: Dye, cut, and style your hair however the heck you want. Dress however you want as long as it's not offensive and are meeting the dress code. Body modification, wait till you are a consenting adult.
As far as school pictures go..well..have you seen the prices of them?! I consider it a financial favor that my daughter won't have them done. I save all the selfies she takes and consider it good. I also allow her to use my camera as much as she wants, because it means I will have those pictures to hang on to. She's much more creative than the cookie cutter school photo shoots.
5. Your teen will become dramatic enough to win an award that actors and actresses covet. There are no boring stories in a teen's life. (except school) They will exaggerate. They will sometimes think things are harder, funnier, scarier, and sadder than they really are. If you ask how their day was, you will get the answer, "ehh..ok." BUT, if THEY come to you and offer information about their day, you better believe it was the best, worst, craziest day in the history of time.
How I handle it: Is my teen approaching me to talk??? Holy shit, yes, I am listening. Be thankful for the fact that your child wants to share something with you! Laugh, cry, be angry with them.
6. You will see your child seething with anger. They will slam things, give terse responses, ignore you, walk away, roll their eyes. You will ask, "what's wrong??" The answer will be, "Nothing WAS wrong until you kept asking me what was wrong!"
How I handle it: Stop asking what the hell is wrong with them. Let them know you are there and available. If you are inclined to ask once, then tread lightly and be ready for the pissed off reaction. Don't ever ask more than once. Doing so is like pulling the pin out of a grenade and will result in impending doom.
7. Remember that chaste child who thought that kissing was gross? They are gonna have sex. They are going to make out with someone like it's an Olympic sport...and it will go further than that.
How I handle it: I pass out condoms like they are tic tacs. I talk about std's and disease and pregnancy and all the "not so beautiful" things that can also happen when you are sexually active. If you think your teen isn't convinced of the need for protection, google some images of what your genitals look like with certain infections and diseases, you'll only need to do this once. Offer to babysit some infants and make sure you insist on your teen helping you out. It's usually enough to take the cuteness factor right out of parenthood.
I've rambled on and on. In conclusion...calm down! Don't be too serious! Laugh when you can, cry when you need to. Get mad and get over it. Things may be hard, but they are hard for your teen too. It always helps to remember that.
Also, I'm probably going to continue with a part two at some point. I didn't realize how much I had to say about this topic. Bear with me.
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