Playing It Safe

Hi, my name is Terralyn. I've been sober for almost a year. My drug of choice was safety.

If there was a support group for people who were afraid of living, I could have been the facilitator. 

I'm not suggesting I haven't had my share of fun and adventure. I have. I really have. At some point, I lost that want to jump, and I made myself a sweet little net to carry around to fall into when risks scared me. 

I lived fearfully...and that's not really living. 

I was afraid of dying, losing relationships, going new places, being alone, saying 'no' to people, pain...the list goes on and on. I became an anxious monster who sat in her cave and watched life happen around me while I ruminated over the lurking danger around me. I carved the days in the walls to mark the time to remind me that hiding had kept me alive and fairly hurt free. (at least that's how I viewed it)

I wasn't alive. I certainly wasn't free from hurt. I was dead inside except for the fire of anxiety that burned every day. I was consumed by it. I clung to to it like a child clings to their favorite blanket. I'd cover my eyes to the world with it. 

In an instant, my life turned upside down and all the false security I had been surrounded by, was suddenly gone. Poof. Gone. It walked out on me and I became a crazed woman. I remember days of crying so hard from my fear that my heart literally hurt. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I didn't create or destroy. I gave up on myself so completely that I was accepting the worst as the outlook for my future. I felt I was nothing. I had nothing left. 

So many people live like I did. They bide their time by taking a back seat to their own lives. They put blinders on and accept what lies their eyes can see..not the truths all around us when we turn our head to look at them. 

The risks I take now may seem inconsequential to many..but I am just learning to live again. A year is not very long. I have years to make up for. 

Living is not always the grand displays of adventure that we are shown in media. Sometimes, it's a quiet whisper, saying, "do something uncomfortable today." For some, that could be as simple as choosing to get off the couch and moving their body. It could be saying 'no' to people in your life that prey on your fear of being unkind. Sometimes living is choosing to get up every single day, even when it feels like you can barely get a sock on one foot before your pain starts to remind you it's still there...waiting. 

I'm not a victim to anyone. Please don't misunderstand. I was a victim of my own choices and inaction. I created the hell I lived in. I took life's traumas and weaved them into sweater. It kept me warm for short periods of time. 

Here's reality. We are never truly safe and any choices we make based on the lie that we are safe, are based in fear and not love. Love of yourself. Love of life. Love of living. 

So, today, I choose to continue to make myself stretch a little more. I choose to welcome the unknown and wonder at it's ability to change my world in ways that I could never expect. I wake up and start each day with curiosity. I choose to embrace the bumps and bruises and dust off and keep going. 

I choose to risk it all...because I am alive.

I blew that cave up and watched it crumble as I walked away.

Codependency-In Which I Finally Open Up About My Marriage

When Kendrick and I split up, I got a lot of:

"I never saw that coming!"

"You two seemed like you had the perfect relationship."

"You were like one brain in two bodies."

The dissolving of a marriage is never easy. I doesn't matter why or how it happens. It's just a huge mixed bag of emotions to sift through until you reach the bottom and realize that sometimes, it's just better that way. Sometimes, it takes a long time to be able to say that it's better. And that's OK. Once our ego settles down, we become open to hearing the positive things that can happen after a separation. It's all about accepting and growing. 

My marriage was anything but perfect, in hindsight. I don't blame anyone for it. I don't regret it. It just wasn't the picture postcard that it appeared to be to others and often, to us. There were amazing times and memories, but there was also a lot of codependency on both of our parts, and it imploded. 

Codependency is a sneaky jerk. It can be so easy to follow that urge to just lose yourself in love, to share every moment together, to give up stuff that your partner doesn't like...

To lose yourself completely to another person. 

At first, codependent relationships feel safe. "This person loves me so completely, that they have given me all of them." There's no room for mistrust because you live and breathe the same air at all times. It's safe feeling. That feeling of routine and knowing what to expect can make us lose sight of what living truly is. 

After you feel safe and secure, the suffocation begins. Your expectations for one another are so severe that the person YOU are, gets shoved down deeper and deeper. You find yourself wondering why you feel incomplete, like there is something you want but can't figure it out. That feeling exists because the relationship has put you in a position to give up on your own goals and hobbies. Sometimes, for so long, that you actually lose the desire to pursue them if it means independence. 

Your entire world gets exponentially smaller. And so do you.  

After thoroughly suffocating the self right out of you, things explode. We are not meant to live like that. It is not a healthy love. 

We are meant to be free. We are meant to live our lives, possibly side by side with another, but still independent. Some people can ignore this for a long time. I certainly did. I had a traumatic youth, and Kendrick made me feel safe in many ways. I clung to that. Same for him. 

It took our relationship ending to finally have a head clear enough to see just how wrong it all was. To see how wrong I was to hand myself over to another person and essentially give up my own sense of autonomy.  

It took me breaking. It took him breaking. It took our relationship breaking. 

I can only speak for myself, but it was what I needed to shake my life up. I needed to wake back up and take my life back...for me and no one else. 

I know many of you have wondered and have waited for this kind of post. I understand curiosity. I also hope that you realize that I don't regret the marriage or it ending. It is another chapter in my life..each chapter helping to create a life's story. 

I am much more aware now. I am free now. I have healthy boundaries now. I wouldn't change that if the opportunity was there. It took me a while, but I got there. And that feels fucking amazing... Every single day. 

Longing

I have a longing so deep that time threatens to stand still for it...and it often feels like it does. I watch days pass as my yearning grows stronger and stronger. 

Patience has never been a strong characteristic of mine when it comes to knowing what I want. I'm not talking about material things. I rarely long for anything material. It's not what drives me. I long for the things in life that add to my happiness. Love, affection, growth, and momentum.... peace.

It's hard for this logical planner to sit back and see what's in front of me, know that I want it as part of me, and know that I either can't have it or I need to be patient. It's right there. I can touch it and feel it..imagine how it would be to have it. 

Not yet. Maybe not at all. 

It's not easy to hear that internal drum of my heart chanting, "yes, Terralyn" only to have the universe say, "not yet, Terralyn." It interrupts my dancing. It pervades my thinking and makes me feel like a toddler in a toy aisle. "I want that!" The internal tantrum, only able to be hushed by reality. 

Reality can be a cold hearted bastard. So much of my thinking comes from imagination..but reality requires truth and an exactness that is so precise that it jabs at my heart with it's long finger and mocks me. It tells me to shut down my imagination and face what's in front of me.

And I do. 

It's painful sometimes. I can't have everything I want. Sometimes not without a lot of work and sometimes not at all. I know.. I know that not everything I want is realistic..it doesn't stop me from yearning. 

It's right there within my reach. My fingers brush against it, caress it, touch it for a moment.

And it's flown off again like a playful butterfly. 

For now, I have to learn to be patient. I have to quiet my mind and heart to the point of exhaustion from the struggle of it. I know it will make me a better person. It will make me appreciate what I have. It helps me stay in the present moment.

But sometimes, I just want it now. 

And like that toddler reaching for a toy, I am told, "no."

Tightrope Walking

I have never touched freedom as much as I have this year. I have become a bird who's clipped wings have grown back. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't express my gratitude for it by stretching them and using them. 

But with freedom there are always periods of sheer madness. It can't be helped. Just like light and dark are needed, freedom and madness go hand in hand. 

I have moved myself into a space of loving and living more. My days are full of creativity and an honesty that most shy away from. 

The madness comes because my willingness to open myself up to the world leaves me vulnerable. The love that has touched me has left me with feelings ranging from elation to acute grief. 

Yet, I can't stop. I can't stop flying. I want to suck every ounce of feeling out of my days. I want to experience it all. Even the hard stuff. I know it means growth. 

I'm sometimes riding a fine line. I know this. Sometimes that line represents a joy that can't be replicated, and sometimes it represents a sadness that brings me to a breaking point of deciding how much more I can handle before I finally cross it into oblivion. 

People keep telling me how strong I am. I fucking know it. Believe me, I know it. I've stared death in the eyes on many occasions and turned my back to it and the lies it tells me to draw me in. But being strong does not make it hurt less. 

It's times like this that I'm grateful for my wings. I feel their gentle breeze and it pulls me back to reality and I let them carry me away from the ocean of tears and grief.

It isn't all dark these days. 

Sometimes, I do something completely out of the ordinary and let the craziness of it wash over me like a spring rainfall. I enjoy the small moments of adventure and impulsive decisions that start with no destination but lead me precisely to the place where I need to be most in that moment. 

I dance. I haven't danced in many years...but I can't stop my body now. From standing in front of a live band and bouncing up and down while I shoot up devil horns to letting my weightless body slice through the water in ways it could never on land.. I dance. 

I talk to people from the heart. I let them know how much I cherish them..even if they can't really hear my intention or aren't prepared to hear it. It's not about having my feelings reciprocated, it's just letting them know that my love is freely given. No expectations. 

I know there are times that my behavior may confuse those around me. I ask you to imagine a trapped animal who has lived in a cage for years and has been set free to the wilds again. 

I must run. Captivity is my greatest fear now. 

Desire

You'd think that the lesson of not getting what you want would set in as a child when we are often told, "no." Yet it doesn't. We get told that, in different ways, as an adult.. all the time. 

Here's the thing.

Desire never stops. Wanting never goes away. We never completely learn how to master the art of contentment with what we have in front of us.  It is a basic human emotion that can't be quelled by sheer force. 

It's OK to desire. 

I know that's an unpopular belief among those who believe they are Zen enough to shut down all human wants. To that I say, "Congratulations, you've successfully stopped being a participant in living your own life." 

Desire is a driving force that helps us to keep growing, changing, loving, learning, enjoying, trying...

When we try to shut down desire, we essentially tell ourselves we aren't worth the effort it takes to see that aspiration through to the other side, whatever outcome that may be. 

We are hurt so much in our lifetime. We think, as humans who are hurting, if we could just let go of our own wants..the pain will stop. It doesn't. 

When I lost Charlie, I thought that if I could just stop wanting a different outcome, I could find peace. I beat myself up for it constantly. It was a war in my head of trying to accept that it was OK to want him to be alive and an enemy army that told me that I could never heal if I always wished he was still alive.

I will always wish that there had been another outcome. I can't see how I could love someone and not want them alive. I can see the beauty in what has happened as a result of his death. I can be thankful for that beauty and the changes in my life that have moved me into a space of loving more in the moment. 

But I can never stop wanting him alive. That's not a matter of discontent, it's a matter of wishing he, himself, had a shot at living a life that he was capable of and wanted. 

A loving desire can and should make us see past ourselves and look at our desired subject as something or someone that has value. Without want, the world and everything and everyone in it becomes dull and useless to us. It lacks color and vibrancy. 

Synonyms for desire are words like: eagerness, enthusiasm, yearning, burning. These words spark my imagination in ways that make me take action. They can take a mundane life and turn it into an open space of possibility. 

I desire. 

I desire a life that keeps me curious. A life that makes me get up every day and try harder. A life that is filled with love to the bursting. A life where creativity reigns supreme. 

A life, that at the end of my time, I can look at and say, "I desired...and I lived as much as I could as a result." 

Catharsis

We use cathartic skills to cope with life's challenging thoughts or feelings. Usually in flux, it's using tools as we need them. Catharsis is purging of emotions through release, and the result is usually a feeling of freedom from them. 

I just keep purging and expressing. Sometimes, to the point of exhaustion. I write, sing, talk, wail, create..all cathartic things, yet I still feel like I'm going nowhere fast. I know this isn't true. Some days, I can see I am making strides. I try to honor those small signs of healing. 

Universe, what is it you require of me? What is it I am supposed to learn? How to cry until I am voiceless? How to hurt until I eventually become scarred over enough that I am unphased by it? It's almost like you're preparing me for something greater. I am a boxer with their coach, and I have to swing until I land the perfect punch. 

Some days, i want to shut down my heart and mind, crawl into my bed and sleep. But no matter how much I feel like that, I don't do it. 

I pick myself back off the fucking ground and I stand in the fire some more. 

I can't even begin to hide my sadness from others. I try, to save them from feeling the need to protect me..which I don't need. Sometimes I hide it because I know other's are hurting more than I am and I am giving them that time to just express without feeling like they are adding to my own pain. Everyone deserves that.

But, my ability to contain it is eroding. 

If I could paint a mental picture for you, it would be an image of a person with their chest a gaping wound..screaming. 

In all of this, I still can't shut down my heart to newness and wonder. I have a curiosity. I still want to jump in, feet first, and absorb every little scrap of living, that I can. 

So here I am. Raw from the pain. Tears running down my face. My soul seeping from my pores.

And I scream at the universe, "what else have you got for me?!" 

Bring it the fuck on. 

I'm not bullet proof, but I'm fairly certain I've proved I will get back up and stand there and take the beatings you give me. I may rest for a moment, but life is too short to hide. 

I just have to remind myself that I am not weak.. I am actually quite strong. Even when I'm on my knees and sobbing. I am holding on and I know, with all of my heart, I will stand again. 

Wonderlust

Everyone talks about wAnderlust and the desire to travel the world. While there are places I'd love to experience firsthand, it is not a driving force for me. 

I have wOnderlust. 

I have this intrinsic need to use my imagination. This is probably why I get along with children so well. They aren't hardened by life's experiences and are able to imagine entire worlds full of wonder. 

I hear so many adults say they've lost their sense of imagination, and it makes wonder how I could function without it. It allows me to imagine a happier me..and fuels my desire to achieve it. It allows me to write music, write stories, daydream, fall asleep, see the awesomeness that is finding another human who allows themselves to free fall into that space in our mind where there is nothing but what we create in the moment. 

I've been called eccentric, a hippie, ridiculous (I love being called that), weird...the list goes on and on. Every time it happens, I respond with, "thank you!" Thank you world for reminding me that there is something in me that stands up against normal worldly expectations and reminds me that I will always be my own person. 

I write furiously like I am Harriet The Spy. I realize if I said everything I think, I'd probably be asked what medications I didn't take or if I was dropped on my head as an infant. Between all of my journals and this blog, I can only hope that someday, when I'm gone, my kids will finally read them and laugh and cry at all of the internal dialogue they never got to hear and it reminds them to FEEL. Feel everything, even when it sucks. To create their own worlds within themselves and to wonder at it all.

I don't shield myself from pain. I actually find myself wondering how much of it I can take before I literally break from it...I push that boundary every single day and it forces me to use my imagination to get through it. I don't hide from love. Whether it's familial, friendship, or unfettered love for another human. It hurts sometimes, but wow is it a feeling like no other. Pain and love are fuel for imagination.

Much of the time, people lose their imaginative ability because they are stuck in their own boundaries of safety and control. 

To that I say, "tear down this wall!!!" Wait, that was the Hoff. 

I digress. 

I'm off to flounce around in this light blue skirt and imagine what it would be like if someone came to dance with me to no music..just the laughter we make. 

This Little Light Of Mine

I can't pretend to understand the ways of the universe. I simply don't understand. It's hard to accept that life can give us so much and then take it away in a moment. 

What I do know is this... I have to try to learn to cherish the time I am given and hold on to the gift that it is. It is a mantra I repeat several times a day since you've gone. 

Charlie, you were an outstanding man. You could never know the fissure your absence has left. Every day since you've passed, I've tried to take the beautiful times we shared and lay those memories gently inside this crack in my heart to try to fill the void and dissipate the pain. 

Patience. That is my lesson in life right now. Waiting for time to dull the ache of this loss. 

My memories of our time together are all I have..but they are everything. 

Despite your own hardships, you were a light. There wasn't a day that went by that you didn't strive to tell show me how special I was. Sometimes, it was just by being a presence. Just the gentle presence that was you, standing with me in a unified way. Sometimes, it was words that would wrap themselves around my heart, feeling like a tight hug for the soul. Other times, it was glaringly obvious that your goal was to lift me up and remind me that life is better because I am a part of it. 

And my life is better because you were a part of it. No matter how much pain I feel. You will always be a light inside me. There will always be a space in my heart that beats steady and strong because it is you. 

There will never be another Squabbit, or baked potato, or Otter. You were too unique to replace. 

It's not goodbye forever, Charlie...because you'll never be truly gone. Your body may be, but the memory of you is forever.

And I am so thankful for that. 

I love you

Forty...And Very Serious About It

I rarely celebrate my birthday publicly. In fact, most years, it comes and goes with just quiet recognition from my kids and loved ones in the form of a sweet note or message. And I'm OK with that. It's not a matter of freaking out about my age. More, it's just that it's a day where I turn a year older and keep going. 

This year, I turned forty. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. You are only as old as you feel. That's the problem. I don't feel my age. I feel like I'm still an energetic ball of fluff n stuff who refuses to settle into the routine of life that many people do at my age. My kids are all adults. To me, this a time of freedom and discovery. 

So here are some goals for this year. Cause it seems the adult thing to do. Set goals. Yeah, that's it. 

1. Make my bed when I get up instead of when I go to bed. 

This seems adult. Who doesn't want to get up from a sleepy slumber and immediately straighten their life out to that degree? Me. If I remember to put clothes on before I leave my bedroom...that's a fight I've won for the day. 

2. Turn my music down in the car. 

This is a straight up shame. I am lying saying this is a goal. I don't care who stares at me headbanging...even if I am old. And usually in pigtails. And I wear geeky glasses. I seriously don't know how to act my age. Screw this goal...moving on. 

3. Hug the shit out of people. 

That's right, I'm old now. I can do things that make people feel just a little uncomfortable and get away with it because...old. If I see you, expect to get hugged...rather tightly. I don't care if I meet you in a public restroom. This is going to happen. Embrace it..and me..and the awkwardness of it all. 

4. Give my heart a workout. 

Don't be cute and think I'm going to start running. I have no time for that nonsense. I'm talking about doing things that scare the piss out of me and make my heart beat like a metronome out of control. It's time to start taking some risks and give myself mini heart attacks in the process. I got this. I am not at all a person who has become accustomed to routine and predictability. I am a rebel!!!

5. Be more lady like. 

Well. I've already screwed that one up on almost a daily basis since I turned forty. Ask my neighbors. They've all caught me being very unlady like in my pool. Maybe a more realistic goal would be to just keep my clothes on in MOST situations. This goal thing is hard. I already feel defeated. 

6. Tone down the humor and get very serious about life.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....HAHAHAHA...HA

That's almost as easy for me as wearing clothing. When I say get serious about life, I literally mean I'm going to make it my goal to LIVE life to it's fullest. That includes laughing until I can't breathe, even if it's just at my own jokes. 

7. Eat more cheese.

This. This I can do. Sorry in advance to my digestion....but it's cheese. I simply can't say no. 

8. Embrace the fact that most people just don't get me.

How??? How do people not get me? Am I really so random that I'm just a big (cause I'm fat) question mark in people's thoughts? I am going to embrace this by embracing the few who do..cause you all rock. \m/  And by embracing, I mean I'm gonna hug the shit out of you. Sorry not sorry.

9. Say "No"

This is one of those goals that also helps me fulfill another goal, because it gives me a mini heart attack when I say "no" to people. At least some of the time. I have taken honesty to a whole new level. Sometimes, I want to just lay in bed and watch youtube videos like a mindless robot. If, in that time, you ask me to hang out.. you may be met with a response such as, "Hi. No. I don't want to come see you nor do I want company. I am naked and watching mindless videos. I can't be moved enough to get up or get dressed. Another time, perhaps." Telling people, "no" is essential to my well being and my data plan on my phone. 

10. Sing...all the songs. 

Don't be shocked if I send you a video of me singing. Don't be shocked if I'm in a vehicle with you and I sing to you. Try not to freak out if I'm laying down peacefully, quietly singing a song to myself. Sure it's a bit creepy..just go with it. I. NEED. TO. SING. 

I feel accomplished. I feel good about these goals. Fuck you, Forty. 

We Are All Afraid

It's hard to break away from the cycle of fear that pervades much of our thinking. From a young age, we are taught that life should follow a certain path. There is little discussion about what happens when we deviate from that path, just an ingrained sense of order and function. 

I am not suggesting that order does not play an important role in life. 

Rather, I am suggesting that when we are ruled by it.. when we let life's predetermined code of behavior and expected function, rule all of our choices, there is no room for creative deviance or emotionally driven freedom. 

Responsibility in life seems to be the order of the day..every day. Work hard, pay our bills, sleep, eat, clean...these are all daily functions that, yes, do a play a significant role in our ability to interact in society. We need money to function on a base level. We all want shelter, food, clothing, and the comfort of knowing we have a place to lay our heads at night. Those are basic human needs. Past that, what is being without money going to do to us? Nothing. It's a preconceived notion that more of it will make us happier, and it may for a short time when you buy something you've really wanted. At the end of the day though, there is no promise that the thing that money paid for, will always be there. Every THING is temporary. 

When it comes to matters of the heart, we are told that we will find some ONE who is just right for us. We hold onto that notion and search for a perfection that doesn't exist. Every relationship is hard on some level. Apart from that chemically driven physical response, it's all in our heads. We have to nurture happiness in relationships. When we enter into a relationship based on doing what we think is best because of how it will fit our lives, we cut out all possibility of creative bonding and growth with another human. 

We fear failure in love, work, family, and just about every other aspect of our lives. This fear is all based on expectations for ourselves and others. Expectations that are future based. Expectations that we can't control the outcome of. I can and have expected to be with someone for a long time, only to have them disappear or lose interest. In the end of it, I had to grieve the loss of them in my life and also bury the expectations I had. 

What if we could just look at another person and think about what it would be like to just enjoy them? Enjoy them for who they are at that very moment. Not who your mind tells you they should be to you or how they fit into your life's plan....just enjoy the moments that we have with them in a very aware and present way. Willingly take from them what they are offering you and see it as a gift that you can carry in your memory even when they are no longer part of your lives. 

What if we looked at the jobs we hold and the income we have as a tool rather than a vehicle to drive us towards a false sense of happiness? What if we really sat down and thought about how money does not make us who we are. What if we sit with the thought that it could be gone in an instant? I have been homeless. I have had to scrimp and save and sell things to feed myself. I have had to ask for help. Yet, I survived that, not just intact..but in a better place than I was before. I have had careers that I loved, but I can also enjoy that talent outside of a 9-5 job. I don't need the order of that job to remind me that it is what's in me that really makes me happy. 

So much of our preconceived "failure" to follow an arbitrary path laid out for us before we can even speak, propels us into growth. 

It's when we step off that path that creativity and dreams can guide our next steps. 

Of all of the choices I have made in life, the ones that are spurred by my dreams and my heart...are the most memorable and life changing. Whether they last for minutes, days, months, or years..they are the most beautiful, soul altering, and joyful moments I have experienced. 

It's hard to break away from the thinking of 'this is what I've been taught to do and this is what I've always done.' It's fine to amass a small amount of contentment from the knowing and the routine in life. Just know that whether or not you are prepared, it can change in an instant..and what you are left with is the creative thought process that will move you forward to the next phase. 

If you never nurture that part of you, you will feel lost. 

I had someone I care for, say, "how do you change what you've always done and known? How do you even know what you should change?"

We have to dream. Even if it's seems scary. We have to let our creative mind take over, more often than not, and let it steer us into the unknown. That hazy place where there is no definition, and no walls to stop you...just a place where we can roam freely and discover the possibilities of what we can create within ourselves. We have to take risks. We have to do things because they are new and different and crazy and unplanned. If we don't, we will never discover that change that could make us feel like we are more than just existing from day to day. 

I'm not implying that we can just get rid of fear of the unknown. I am saying that we can let it keep us stuck or we can use it as fuel to create a better life for ourselves. We can hold onto it and wrestle it into a submissive place in the corner of your mind where it can be quieted so that we are free to roam the depths of what else is there inside our creative conscience. 

Do, say, or think something, today, that pushes you out off that cliff of the unknown..and fly. 

Phoenix

Some days, I am burning with a passion so deep

For life, for love, for meaning

Some days, I am merely existing

And that's ok

Some days, there is an abundance of joy welling from within me

And I can't contain it..and I use my voice to share it

Some days, are drowned in tears

And I'm just trying to float with them as they wash me clean

Some days, I crave love so strong

That it could make universe shiver with growth

Some days, I am a pile of ashes

With one tiny spark of hope within

And it ignites

And I rise again

Time To Grow..Again

No matter how barren I feel, life finds a way to remind me that it keeps going. 

Sometimes, I shut my eyes to it. I bleed my heart out through my tears. I think that I can't take the realness for another minute. I feel like a tree that has lost all of it's leaves, my limbs unshielded from the harsh sun and wind. My roots are dry and curling in on me. 

And then it rains. 

The rain washes off my dust and let's me drink from the Earth. It reminds me, even if only in a small way, that I'm still here and that life keeps going and I can choose to be stuck, or I can choose to take the gift it has given me. Another day to do better and be better. 

It is a cycle that repeats itself..until we take our last breath. 

Lately, I've been harsh with myself for not feeling so resilient. I am having a hard time accepting that I'm just not ok, yet. I pride myself in my ability to persevere, to fight for my own happiness. I am resilient. But, I am also a sapling. I need nurturing, time, and patience to grow through this cycle. I need to give myself the right to heal at a pace that is necessary for the lessons that are hidden deep inside the pain. 

I don't have a lot of close friends. I choose that for myself. I make the decision, often, to let or not let people into the heart of me. So many people just wish to trample on the small shoots of growth that reside in us. Some people just want to see your pain. Their curiosity feels like a magnifying glass in the sun, reflecting off of your naked soul. It hurts. 

And sometimes, I feel like I could spill my emotions and it still wouldn't be enough to explain how I feel. I could empty myself of all of my contents and all someone else would see is a puzzle that they want no part in helping put together, and I'm just standing there looking at my pieces while they walk away without even helping me put them back inside to me again.

Then there are people, no, blessings, that have entered my life in this season. Wonderful humans that know that they can't fix me, but they can water me. They can nurture me. They hear my heart. They remind me of the strength I have to grow again if I am patient and accept the pace that has been set for now. 

Someday, I will be a beautiful tree full of colorful leaves, swaying in the soft breeze of life and fluidly bending and flexing along with it. 

Until then, thank you to the sewers of seeds, the waterers, and the nurturers. Thank you for meeting me where I am at and holding steady with me. Thank you for encouraging me without pushing me too hard. Thank you for being you..and know I will also nurture your soul in return when you choose to let me.  

The Wind

If I listen to the wind as it sings

I can hear your voice again. 

I can hear your laughter again.

I can hear you say, "this is everything" again......

And I don't know whether to cry or thank the universe.

I yell into the wind

My voice gets lost

For Charlie

It's been a long time since I've written here. 

This year has been a whirlwind of pain and growth. Interesting how you can't have one without the other. It's a hard pill to swallow, but it's reality. The biggest and healthiest changes have come from pain so deep, I wondered how I would ever see light again. 

I choose to live in the present as much as my anxious brain will allow me to. When I shut down the worries and plans and past.. I am free to live each moment like it is all there is. I am able to love more deeply because I am not weighted down with expectations. 

It has left me vulnerable. At times, it's the most freeing feeling in the world. Knowing that my heart is wide open to possibilities. Knowing a person can reach right inside of me and touch my heart because I am allowing it...not for personal gain, not because I need it. Simply because the world is full of beautiful people and each of them, when I allow it, can teach me something about them and myself. 

I opened my heart to a beautiful person. 

I don't regret it for a moment.

He taught me that it was OK to take risks. He reminded me that sometimes, things just happen when we least expect them to..and all we can control is our reaction. Mostly, he taught me how to accept that there are circumstances that are beyond our control, sad and gut wrenching truths that most people would run away from. But I didn't, because I loved the realness of it. Even when it hurt and still hurts..its more real than so much that I had experienced. And wow, is that a gift. To know that when we bare ourselves, even the pain is beautiful because it reminds us that this is what it's about. Riding the bull of life, even if it's for seconds..hanging on and falling off and trying again. 

I've vacillated for some time now on how to honor his memory in writing. 

I don't want sympathy for the loss. I don't even want people to feel sympathy for the situation. I want to express just how important it is to cherish the time we have with someone. 

We are promised nothing. Every choice we make is a calculated risk or an all out gamble. 

I want to remember that even though many things end in pain, they were so worth it. As it has been said, life is not about the destination..its about the path there. If we plan our choices because they feel safe or because we feel it is the easiest path, we are disillusioned. It serves no purpose but to shelter you from so many unseen lessons and beautiful moments. 

I've cried so many tears. Not because I regret my decision to open myself up to the hurt I experienced, but because I opened myself up to a season of love so real, that I am forever changed by a person who reached right in, took my heart in their hands.. and walked with me as my equal..carrying our hearts together. Beating and bare and open to receiving the quiet messages the universe is always whispering in our ear...but we live so loudly we can't hear it. 

So instead of pouring out my sorrow to you, instead of asking you to hold my hand.. I ask you, in Charlie's honor, to live. To love. To know that we are all broken on some level and that it's ok. To know that even when someone so beautiful leaves your life, you have to remember to be thankful that they took the time to share minutes, days, months.. of themselves with you. It doesn't stop the acute sadness of loss, but it reminds you to be thankful for it. 

Because the pain is worth it all when it comes to knowing you shared love with another human.  

Fly high my significant otter. I promise not to drift off into the ocean. I'll just lay here for a bit and ride the waves as they wash over me. 

Depression: From The Outside Looking In

I've battled depression..in fact, I dare say it's something I will always have to fight on some level. Depression and anxiety are like shadows that follow me around. Some days, the sun is bright and if I stand just right..they disappear below me. Other days, they follow me around and just like Peter Pan, I fail to catch them and pin them down.

For the first time in my life, I'm the one looking in on depression. I'm watching it's hold on someone I love dearly. In fact, I'm watching it's hold on two someones I love dearly. I'm watching it lie to them, deceive them, and slowly work them into that stranglehold of sadness.

And for the first time in my life, I realize, I can't fix this. I can't love it out of them. I can't hug it out of them. Nothing I say or do can make this go away. All I can do is hold their hand, as long as they let me, and make a promise that I'm here to anchor them in the light until they can pull themselves out of the darkness.

It's like watching a movie, except the actors are people that have a part of my heart.

I try to stay conscious of what it was like for me to be where they are. I try to remember that feeling of losing myself, of hating myself, of feeling guilty for being sad. Mostly, I remember what a scary scary place it is to be and that hope is but a light in the distance and you are clawing towards it...on the good days. On the bad days it's almost impossible to see that light and you curl up into yourself and those shadows cover you like a blanket and whisper terrible things in your ear.

"You're worthless. You're a burden on everyone that loves you. You are going crazy. Maybe you should make it stop. There are people that have it worse than you, you have no right to be sad. You don't deserve to be happy. You are a terrible person. Do you not see how death would end all of the noise in your head?"

The empathetic part of me cries for my loved ones. The patient part of me is gentle and understanding. Sometimes, the selfish part of me wants to scream because I miss them. I miss their smiles, their affections, the ease of just laughing with them, waking up and knowing what to expect will happen and finding comfort in the routine of them.

I have to remind myself that this.... this feeling of anger that depression is trying to steal another life...is nothing compared to the battle they are in. It's literally, nothing. The pain I feel for them is nothing compared to their own pain...and that is a slap in the face of reality.

But I continue to love. I continue to encourage and I wake up every day knowing that I have to put on that armor of love and I have to fight that good fight to keep their fingers wrapped tightly around mine until that blessed moment when I feel them squeeze back and they emerge back into the light.

Until you see that light, try to hear my words when you are able to.

I love you, with every fiber of my being.
You are worthy.
You are still that same beautiful being that I've always known.
I am here, and will be here, no matter what that takes.
You are not broken.
You are valuable to this world.

You have to hang on and not let go, even when your shadows tell you to...because soon, sooner than you know, those shadows will be under your feet and you will dance again.

A Love Letter To My Sister

I remember being in elementary school and getting asked to write about my hero. I would always draw a blank. At that time in my life, I was surrounded by dysfunction. All I knew was my small world and the family in it. Certainly, the word hero never came to mind when I thought of them. I've often thought of this question as time has gone by and I still couldn't answer it.

Then I met you.  

I was at a point in my life where I was simultaneously so sure and unsure of where I was going. All I knew was that you were there to help me fill that void of uncertainty with laughter and light. 

And you still do.

Boy, have we evolved as humans since that time. With that growth, our relationship has blossomed into something that some people can only dream of having. 

You are laughter when all I can seem to find are tears. You are that swift kick in the ass when I need it. You are a sedative when my thoughts spiral out of control and I feel like I'm going to implode in on myself. You are a balm when I feel wounded. I share some of the deepest parts of me with you and never worry that you will dishonor that for your own gain. 

I have never had a friend that will give me brutal honesty while still acknowledging my feelings as valid. Do you know how special that is to me? In a world of smoke and mirrors, you offer a realness that is hard to find. What makes this even more beautiful is that you trust me to do the same for you. Our relationship is the true meaning of give and take. 

These traits are only the tip of the iceberg of what makes you who you are.

You are forever giving of yourself to others, even when you have so much weight to carry on your own shoulders. 

I've watched you grow from being this young woman fresh out of high school to a matriarch of her own domain. You have brought two smart and beautiful spirits into this world. I see parts of you in their own personalities and I think to myself, they will go far. You are unwavering in your dedication to being the best mom you can be....even when it's hard. You constantly evaluate how you are serving them and adjust to serve even more.

I know you are tired. I know there are days where your very body aches from the responsibility you carry. There are days when you feel so close to just clawing at your own face because you've reached your limit....and yet.... you keep going. Somehow, you keep finding that last vestige of strength to keep going until the day is done.

Yes, you are blessed beyond measure, but don't think for a minute that knowing that lessens the validity of those moments where you feel like you have given all there is to give.

Sometimes, when you become a parent, you feel like an afterthought to others. Everyone asks how your babies are. People notice them first. They judge you based on what they see in them. I just want you to know that I aim to not do that. You are first and foremost, Katherine. That bright and shining individual who makes this world a better place by just being in it. 

You are a hero. Not only to those two precious children who call you mama, but to me. You are everything that you sometimes don't believe yourself to be capable of being. 

I love you, Katherine. My respect and gratitude for you are unfathomable. Always remember that when you are having a hard time remembering all the great parts of who you are, I am but a heartbeat away, waiting to remind you.

Things I learned From Jurassic World

Those who know me are aware of my ridiculous lack of attention span for movies. It drives my husband crazy that I don't become invested in them...even the good ones. Case in point, I am a huge Harry Potter fan (the books more than the movies...but Harry Potter junkies know what I mean when I say we will take any HP material that comes our way) but walked right out of the premier of one of the movies. It was a hot day, the air conditioning in the theater was broken, and I just don't care enough about ANY movie to sit shoulder to shoulder with strangers while they perspire on me. Not even a little bit.

The other day, I sat through Jurassic World. Thankfully I also had delicious food in front of me to help me stay rooted in my chair. (Don't judge me...with a family as large as ours, take out is a commodity) 

Side note: I just realize how much I go off on tangents. Seriously brain, slow the hell down and stop telling me that I need to vomit every word and thought ever right onto my blog all at once.

Carrying on.

This movie was, to put it nicely, a cheesetastic piece of unbelievable garbage. Yeah yeah, I get it, suspend disbelief, Terralyn. NO. I will stay grounded in reality where I know for a fact that I could never run... through a jungle...chased by dinosaurs... in high heels...for an entire day. I can't run on a good day, let alone in heels. I'd be the girl ripping those shoes off and getting stabby with them.

Here is a top five things I learned from this movie:

1. In the event that you are being chased by a dinosaur, soak yourself in gasoline to mask your human scent. 

Really? Yes, let's douse ourselves in a flammable liquid that will not only make you a human torch at any given moment but will also give you chemical burns. Ever tried to walk comfortably with chub rub? You know..when your fat thighs rub together so much it creates a rash. Maybe you don't know that life, but I do. It sucks. There is no way in hell that dumping a noxious chemical all over your body could make it possible to run. You'd be crying for a medic within two minutes.

2. Blazers, propped ever so delicately over the shoulders, will stay on indefinitely. 

First of all, who the hell wears a blazer in the jungle? Secondly, I've never understood the concept of draping a jacket over my shoulders. Put that shit on or take it off. The whole time you are wearing that, I'm secretly watching and waiting for it to fall off only for you to readjust it again. See those two things called arms? Put them in the damn sleeves and wear a coat like the good lord intended...otherwise wear a cape. Just own your desire to feel like a superhero and wear a damn cape. If coats were meant to be worn like that, THEY WOULDN'T HAVE ARMS. You aren't cute, you're a menace to society.

3. Imprinting apparently works on all species.

You know what this means? As soon as I start a go fund me page (cause apparently you can do that for any reason under the sun) and raise enough money, I'm buying myself a pack of cute baby hippos. You know, one of the deadliest animals in the world. I'm doing it. I'm gonna raise those water pigs from infancy and they will become my friends for life. I will ride them down the road and everyone that knows me will say, "That Terralyn, she knows how science works. She has her own pack of majestic hippos....sigh...I wish I could be like her." 

4. Leaving your children all alone in a park full of predators with foot long teeth is just fine.

Please don't ask me to watch your children. Jurassic World taught me that I can let your children wander off into a zoo with all sorts of animals just waiting to taste your flesh, and that they will be just fine in the end. It doesn't matter if kids are curious and do stupid things because they have no impulse control. It doesn't matter that trouble seems to find them. It doesn't matter that their brain says, "hey kid, stick your hand into that lion's cage and pet them. Don't they look soft?" It's fine. We need to lay off the reins and stop being helicopter parents. The next time I hear you tell your child 'no' when they ask to wander off into a jungle alone, I'm going to judge you so hard.

5. If you are a woman in peril, your clothes will artfully tear and stay stain free. Your hair will remain adorably coiffed and your makeup will still look fabulous. Also, heels never break.

HOLY SHIT people! As if women don't have to live up to absurd beauty standards as it is?! Now I have to feel bad if I'm being chased by dinosaurs and my eyeliner melts in the heat of the moment? What's that? I will still be thinking about making out with a capable man while I'm surrounded by flying killers? Let's be honest. I have really big boobs. My shirts often double as a napkin for shit that flies out of my mouth (no matter how careful I am) and lands right on my boobs. If I can't make it through one meal without destroying my clothing, how do you expect me to make it through a dinosaur chase where I'm running for my life? The actress pulled it off. Me? At the end of the day, I would be lucky if I still had one sock left. Every tried to run through the brambles of a jungle? Me either, but I imagine it feels like trying to escape a prison surrounded by razor wire. Your clothes aren't going to remain intact...and likely you wont either.

This is part of why movies are hard for me. I'm judgy. I am so so judgy when it comes to visual media. I am that person that screams at the helpless female on screen, running towards a killer because she apparently has lost her ability to tell where her body is at in space and time and can't see his huge figure walking slowly with a glinting knife raised in the air.

I should just stick to books.

The Art Of Getting A Baby To Sleep..

I fooled you by the title. It made it seem as though I was going to give you sound advice to get a baby to sleep. Here's the thing, I can't help you much...because when it comes to nap time, babies turn into politicians who will bargain and argue any way they can, just to fight sleep.

I'm getting the chance to relive all those wonderful moments with our grandson. My daughter is almost 19 years old, so I had forgotten (or buried in my sub-conscience) how fun (read: challenging) nap time can be at times. Our little one has brought it all back for me. (and I wouldn't change any of it for the world)

Step one: Know your child's prerequisites for nap time. (subject to change every day or every minute)
Soft blanket, white noise, dim lighting, rhythmic patting of his back, boobs to lay on, soft rubbing of his face and hair, a constant "shh shh" sound, and also...patience.

Step two: Get into the position. (subject to change every day or every minute)
Gently coax your baby to lay their head down so they can snap it back up and look at you like you have gone mad.
Position them on your chest and cover them up with a comfy blanket- repeat this step up to a hundred times.
Re-position them because you are crazy enough to think that this will make a huge difference. It does not.

Step three- I've got rhythm, I've got music...
Holy crap!! Your baby has laid their head down and they are rubbing their eyes! Time to act fast! Start slowly bouncing them and patting their back, taking care to not break your rhythm. One off beat could potentially lead to the child bucking against you to show their displeasure. If you are lucky, they will allow you a second chance. If you are unlucky, you are starting back at step two.

Step four- It's all about coordination and multitasking.
You've got the gentle patting, the baby is in position.... now you must add the "shushing." Not too loud, not too quiet, and definitely rhythmic. Do NOT blow out air on the child's face whilst shushing. They will squint and then pull away from you like you just smacked them with a pair of dueling gloves, and once again, you will have to start back at step two.

Step five- The eye droop.
You're nearly there!! You're baby's eyes are getting heavy. Their breathing is becoming more rhythmic. Their muscles and body are starting to slacken. Don't stop now! I don't care how tired your arm is from patting and bouncing. I don't care if you feel like you are going to hyperventilate from the constant blowing of air from shushing. Your back hurts? You will appreciate that pain once baby is asleep! DON'T GIVE UP!!!

Step six- Oh shit
Your child has suddenly snapped out of their sweet little siesta. There is no reason. I can give you no logical reason why this occurs, other than it's probably some act of karma from when you've done something wrong years ago. The sweet little sleepy baby has now popped their head up and pushed away from you and has started laughing and bouncing. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS! They are still tired, they are trying to trick you...because babies are good at tricking us. How many times have you bent over and retrieved a toy they've thrown onto the floor? They've got us just where they want us.

Step seven- Reasoning
Start using phrases like, "Shhh, it's sleep time." "We can play later, now it's time to rest." "Please stop pulling on my lip, we need to be gentle." "Please don't use my boobs as your personal drum set. It hurts when you slap them like you are the lead drummer from a heavy metal band."

Repeat steps two through five. Sorry, that's the ugly truth. Your gonna do this as many times as it takes, because let's face it, you need some down time as much as your tired child needs to sleep.

Step eight- Relocation
Holy crap on a cracker, you did it!! Baby is sleeping. Their jaw is slack. Their little eyelids are twitching in REM sleep. Take a moment to look at them and think about how sweet and cuddly and cute they are while they are asleep...because you've already forgotten your frustration with repeating the previous steps. They are asleep, life is perfect and so are they.
It's time to lay them down now. Slowly, slowly... peel them away from your body (they turn into little fruit roll ups, stuck to a sheet of plastic) and lay them down. Back away slowly. Practice has taught you to know every squeaky floor board in your house, make sure to jump over them softly.

Step nine- Wait it out
This is the moment when life stands still. Will they stay asleep? Will they suddenly wake themselves up and raise their eyebrows at you as if to say, "GOTCHA SUCKA!!!!" Only time will tell.

In the event of the latter, start back at step two. Sorry!!

In the event that they are indeed, truly, deeply, wonderfully, amazingly asleep.. REJOICE!!!!! You only have to do this two or three more times today!

Our Anxious Youth

As a person who has been to hell and back with anxiety, I know how soul crushing and disruptive anxiety can be to our everyday lives. If you have children, teens or young adults, you may have, like me, noticed an upward trend in anxiety at a younger age. It's something that I've experienced with my daughter..and sadly, many of her friends.

I just want to take some time to hypothesize why we are seeing a surge in anxiousness in young people. This post is not meant to condemn anyone. I just think that as older adults, we easily forget that the lives you and I had are VASTLY different from the lives that our kids live in today's society. So keep an open mind, look past your own experiences, and try to visualize yourself as a young person trying to survive in our current society.

1. Politics have removed and downplayed the need for expression through creativity.
    Ask any student or teacher. There is little to no room for expression through art, music, and movement.
    Legislation has seen fit to remove these fundamental components of learning and expressing from our      
    children's schools. There are many kids for whom learning does not come easily. Taking away creative
    expression has left our children with no outlet in which they feel they are confident.

2. We expect our kids to grow up too fast.
    Before our kids are even capable of understanding the full weight of "the future" , we are pushing them to think about college, work, and what they want to do with their lives. I can recall a therapist telling my daughter, at the age of 13, that she had to come up with a plan for her future. As a parent, it broke my heart to see the anxiety it caused her. I reminded her that she only needed to think about today, that worrying about the future only causes more anxiety. The relief on her face was noticeable.  Why, as adults, do we feel the need to pressure our children to grow up so fast?

3. We push our kids away when they aren't ready.
This has not, and will not happen in my home. This trend of taking an 18 year old straight from graduating high school and expecting them to immediately start making life changing choices, moves, and plans is too much. We spend all of their young lives teaching them to be patient and then tell them that you expect them to make drastic changes all at once. This is a contradiction that I can not understand. Imagine how you would feel if you knew you were being forced to leave your comfort, your home, your safety net...with no transition. Allow your kids time to explore life without the stresses and confines that school places on them. Let them blossom a little bit, preen their wings, glide before expecting them to fly.

4. We have become UNparents.
Technology and living in a fast paced society has made some parents lethargic about doing the most important work that they CHOSE to do. Parent. We, as a society, have become so ingrained in our own neglectful behavior when it comes to parenting or giving our youth the attention and guidance they really need. This is not a slam on working parents, not at all. This is about what we choose to do with the time we have with our kids. Are we having meaningful interactions with them? Do your kids know that they come first before your work, your computer, your friends? Essentially, we have a generation of young people who are raising themselves and parents who do not interact but REACT when something goes wrong. Instead of gently guiding in a very interactive way, we are leaving kids to their own devices and then responding to the outcome of that.

5. We don't really know our kids.
Sure, you may know your child's habits, likes and dislikes..but do you know the heart of your child? Do you know their fears, their hopes, what makes them really tick? Do you know why your child may seem sad at the dinner table? Do you know why they are smiling more today? Are you trying to place yourself in your child's shoes and understand them on a deeper level? Are you asking them to share these deep feelings with you and then negating that tremendous step by looking at your phone, working around the house during your conversation, or interjecting about your own life? Do you sit down with your child, often, and really just listen to what they are saying and what they aren't saying? If you have more than one child, do you make individual time for each of them  so that they know they are as important to you as their siblings are?

6. Our kids are taught that they are inferior and should be submissive.
We need to remember that our kids are surrounded by adults. Everyday made to feel inferior because of their age. You, if you work, will typically have one or two supervisors. Children have parents, teachers, coaches, and many more people that are their "bosses". When you think about the level of stress that places on a child, you will understand why this is huge. At any moment, one mistake could cause a domino effect where several of the "bosses" in their lives come down on them all at once. I'm not asking you to teach your children to disrespect adults. I'm asking you to see if from their perspective and understand how many times in a day their anxiety must peak from trying to meet the standards of the adults in their lives. It is important to parent from a place of love and understanding. If one adult has given a consequence, make sure your child responds appropriately and then encourage them to do better. Simply heaping more and more consequences if overwhelming and leaves a child powerless.

7. We do not take our kids seriously.
Anxious? How could a child or young adult be anxious? They must not understand how "easy" they have it. Life was much harder when I was a child. They have no idea what anxiety really is. It's a catch phrase.
STOP.
First of all, stop comparing your life and hardships to your child's life. If they perceive something as a threat to their emotional wellness, listen. Listen with all your senses. Praise them for trusting their gut. Do NOT lessen their experiences by belittling them or their experiences.
Remember that your child's life experiences are limited when compared to an adults. Therefor, what they see as scary...may not be scary to you, because you've already gone through it. Simply telling them they have nothing to worry about will not ease their fears. Do what you can to help them work through it, step by step, so that you can empower them to also move past it and put it aside as a chapter in their life that they got through!

8. We've killed the child friendly environment.
When we were younger, we would ride bikes and disappear for hours at a time because it was safer to do so. We had parks everywhere. We had friends with parents who knew our parents. We had a level of freedom that is not afforded today's youth. This has happened for many reasons. Regardless of why, it is important to replicate those scenarios for our kids. If you live in an unsafe neighborhood, you need to figure out a way to get your kids outside and active. You need to involve them, not in more and more activities where there is still tons of structure and rules, but with other kids, in an environment where they can be kids. Video games, computers, and cell phones will never teach your children how to social network, how to play, how running around and being crazy and silly can reduce their stress levels. Instead of planning for more dance, theater, sports, and other structured activities.. give your child plenty of time to be free to be a kid. Be loud. Be silly. This is JUST as important as any book learning.

9. We've stopped holding our children.
At 18 years old, my daughter will still look for my physical comfort when she is sad or anxious. Our society has placed taboos on physical closeness with our kids. Breastfeeding is controversial and sexualized. Holding your child and snuggling with them past a certain age is looked at as coddling. We need to break down these social constructs and remember that physical closeness is healing. It is no different than hugging a partner or a spouse when you are sad. Just because our children are past the age of sitting on our laps, doesn't mean they don't crave your arms around them for comfort.

In all things, be gentle. Life is harsh. Our children need to know that you can be a soft place to land. Whether you are a parent, an aunt or uncle, grandparent, or mentor. If a child reaches out to you, it's a compliment and sign that they trust you. Cherish that.