Make Love, Every Day

As Valentine's Day approaches, we become saturated with commercialized ways to show your love to someone. It is everywhere. Stores, radio, television, and the internet.. become hyper focused on one day out of the year where we are told that the BEST way to show our love is to purchase something for someone. While, gifts can be nice in a minor way, this is a critically wrong impression of how to show love.

Let me explain, if you will.

Love can not be fostered by a single event on a single day. Love is not the grand gestures of giving material items.

True love is action. It is made with our own two hands, our words, our behavior towards another.

We can not expect a relationship to grow along with us if it is not made a priority every single day. It will wither up and turn to dust. Just like a plant, it needs attention and caring for.

We live in a society where it is portrayed that love just happens. Two people meet each other and there are instant fireworks and they live happily ever after. This couldn't be more wrong. It is laborious, it is time consuming, it has to be MADE. It is not something that just occurs and then lives on because of attraction.

We have to know, in a very real way, that love entails every human emotion at one point or another. This includes the not so happy feelings, like fear and anger. To expect that it is as glamorous and easy as it is made out to be, is a joke.

And here is the important part to take away from the difficulty of maintaining a healthy love.. easy is not good. We don't grow and evolve when things are easy. It is the very hard times that can, if handled correctly, make love grow. To appreciate what we have, we must work for it. To be proud of what we have, we must work for it. To enjoy what we have....we must also have the hard times to help us appreciate the good times.

Our lives move fast. Many people have learned to live on impulse, with no thought about the long trek that is really living or loving. Impulsively, if it doesn't seem easy or feel easy from the start, we consider giving up. This is why relationships fail in many instances. Once that initial burst of flames between two people dies down, people become disinterested and seek out that fire again. This is a cycle that you can repeat all of your life.

Alternatively, you can keep love's fire going by adding fuel to it on a constant basis. It doesn't have to die out. We are like seasoned fire wood. We can choose to fuel the love we are given, at any time, and it will continue to warm us.

When talking to couples, I often explain that we have to make love, everyday. We have to use every part of our own selves to show our investment in another. We have to listen with open hearts, speak words of encouragement, take one on one time to connect..no phones, no distractions.. simply sitting with the person you love and creating a space where the two of you can breathe together.

The best gift you can give the person you love does not come covered in chocolate. It does not come pre-written from Hallmark, its not anything that can be purchased. That is the easy stuff. The best gift is your dedication to working hard, every day, to show your love, to cherish one another, to fuel the fire that started easily but threatens to go out when not fed.

Humans are not disposable. There is no gain from acting like they are so that we don't have to do the hard work of creating a real love.

Love is raw. It is every day life. It is offering to help with cleaning. It is paying attention to the subtle needs of our partner. It is touching them, not just sexually, but in a way that lets them know that you are there... in that moment... you are present. Love is understanding one another when a misunderstanding takes place. Love is forgiving and forgiving and forgiving even more. Love is ASKING for forgiveness and admitting when we are wrong or have wronged someone. Love is building each other up instead of focusing on the negatives.

Make love, every day, and it will last as long as both people want it to.

Everyone Has One

As humans, we all have opinions. It's a natural part of being your own self, with your own thoughts, and your own leanings and biases. This, in itself, is not problematic. We are all free to feel a certain way about any given topic. I do not have a problem with this on any level.

What concerns me more and more is the fact that there seems to be a trend of policing other people's opinions and the drive for many to point out how their own opinions differ. It's not a matter of, I respectfully disagree... it's the overkill involved in trying to change someone's thought process, prove how someone is wrong, or when that fails, all out nasty behavior.

Nothing has proven this more than being on social media during and after the elections. We saw the world as we know it become very divided. Do not misunderstand me. Democracy dictates, to some degree, that people are free to choose and have opinions about who is elected. I do not have a problem with this. What I do have a problem with is people allowing their own opinions to get in the way of behaving in a civil manner with others.

Social media is filled with opinion. I like the diversity...even if I don't agree. Having differing opinions gives me an opportunity to view the world through someone's eyes other than my own. Sometimes that leads to a reformation of my own thinking. Sometimes it has no effect on me at all. Other times, it causes an internal emotional response. Regardless, I welcome it. I find it intriguing and challenging.

What's becoming clear to me is that it seems I am among a small contingent of people who share this outlook. I scroll through my feed and rarely comment..yet I see verbal arguments between people on a regular basis. I see posts about 'cleaning out my friends list', and then a reason that is usually related to only keeping like minded individuals on their page. I see people giving other people unsolicited advice on things that they have no personal involvement with. I have, a couple times, done this myself in the past. I now strive to make it something I stay away from.

What is happening in our world that individuality, free thinking, and expression have become targets for attack? Why do people feel it's their duty to change a person's mind about a topic? Furthermore, why is there an obvious sense of entitlement and haughtiness in many people who behave this way?

When did everyone become and authority on everything, and when did being opinionated become a career?

What happened to the subtlety of watching human behavior and quietly deciding how we choose to conduct ourselves?

I personally don't get too riled up when someone disagrees with me. In fact, I am almost always willing to listen to why and either respond or just accept that we are all different. I feel strongly, that in effort to make sure everyone feels safe and similar, we are actually becoming a more divided society.

I don't need to be the same. I love that you are all different than me. On the other hand, I do not enjoy feeling policed and forced to see eye to eye with everyone else. I am quite content to lead my life in a way that I can uphold my own values and morals without shoving them down everyone's throat. I accept that each person comes from a different walk of life and understand that it has greatly shaped their perceptions.

Social media has become very antisocial in many ways. The world in large has become a place where if we don't agree, attempts are made to isolate one another in a way that infers that one is greater, smarter, better.. than another.

I see the irony in having a blog post that is based on my own opinion about this topic. Don't think it escapes me.

Just know that I really have nothing to gain except some catharsis by writing this. You are not required to read this, let alone agree with me.

I am just baffled and disheartened by what I see.

You Can't Move Forward When You're Living In The Past

We all have wants and desires for our future. A successful career, a happy relationship that lasts, owning a home..these are all examples of common things people strive to have.

Have you found yourself asking, "why can't I get ahead?" "Why do I feel stuck?" "Why do I keep getting the same result?" If you have, the answer is usually a simple one.

You are a slave to your past. It's impossible to move forward any measurable distance when your eyes, heart, and mind are focused on the past.

People are addicted to the past for many reasons:
Good and bad memories
Loss of a loved one
Trauma
Fear of failure
Warped sense of self image due to traumatic experiences
Past hurt
Regret

No matter what the reason may be, the end result is the same.. a feeling of being stuck. Time is ticking and you're hearing the second hand move, and it's anxiety inducing because we are all limited on time. This is a fact. We all have an expiration date. This is why, as we get older, the deep need to experience life more fully, is so pressing.

There is a saying, "If you keep doing what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got." Some would argue that this is the very definition of insanity. Hurting ourselves time and time again, expecting a different result.

Nothing good comes of bringing your past baggage to the terminal of the future. Your flight will always be grounded. You will go nowhere.

This is very obvious in relationships. If you bring your past hurts and negative internal dialogue that they caused, into a new relationship, you have damned it from the start. You can't have a healthy future when your unhealthy past, unhealthy thinking, unhealthy mental presets are what still control your behavior.

You can be cautious with your heart. You can have some worry over outcomes. But, if you have already decided that the situation your facing will fail, it will. If you have already decided you aren't good enough, others will treat you that way. If you believe that people will hurt you, you're sending the message that they aren't worth your trust or your time.

In all things, we have the power to create positive change. Big or small changes, it doesn't matter. We have the power to do that. It's yours, you were born with it. It's a matter of harnessing it and wielding the power in a way that let's you take control of your life and make it what you want it to be.

So how do you get out of your past so that you can move forward into a healthy future?

You close the door on it.

You take control and you turn your back on the things that happened that caused you to fail over and over again.

If someone has wronged you and you can't let it go, you tell them or you get that hurt out by expressing it in a letter. If you can't give them the letter or you can't say the words, you write it anyways and burn it.

If trauma has caused a negative loop of self loathing, you focus on the fact that you, YOU, were born whole. You have always been a complete person..you just believed the person that said you weren't and it became your reality.

If you have tried to succeed at something and have failed in the past, reassess and try a different route until you succeed. You Will succeed at some point if you problem solve and keep trying.

If you've lost someone and can't let go of the memories that keep you chained in sadness, you tell yourself that you are also choosing to die if you don't work through the grief until you come out on the other side of it.

I won't say any of these things are easy. It will hurt. You will be scared. You will feel raw and exposed. But what do you have to lose? Nothing. Staying stuck in the past has already robbed you of precious time and success in many facets of your life.

You are at ground zero. You can either stay there or you can begin to build an empire. 

Narcissism: It's More Than Just Vanity

Self love is good, right?

Yes it is. It absolutely is. Self worth and esteem are very important factors that dictate, in many ways, how we interact with the rest of the world. A positive self image can do wonders to push us towards being happy and successful people.

For the sake of clarification, I am not referring to a positive self image in this entry. 

The word narcissist gets thrown around a lot. Unfortunately, most people don't understand the real meaning behind it. Just like the overuse of saying 'OCD', when we use real mental health diagnoses as cute little catch phrases, people become numb to the reality of what they really are and how harmful they can be to those that suffer from these disorders and those that interact with someone with mental health issues. 

Narcissism is more than meets the eye. It's more than even being stuck on yourself. It is a personality disorder. A very real, very pervasive disorder.

Many people don't even know when they are in a relationship with someone who has this disorder, which, in itself, is dangerous. A relationship of this type is hugely dysfunctional and often abusive. A narcissist who's ego is not stroked just right becomes angry and volatile. They lack empathy/concern for others. When you combine a volatile temper with lack of empathy, the result can be catastrophic to another person. It can lead to verbal, physical, and emotional abuse. It creates a cycle of codependency. It diminishes the person that is stuck in a narcissist's web to the point of losing their own sense of self. 

Narcissists often come off as being extremely witty and charming. They know exactly how to behave in front of others, when it suits their wants. They like to be the center of attention and are good at holding an audience's attention. They often make up stories of success to appear more favorable to others. A key word to remember is exaggeration. Their heightened sense of their own greatness is exaggerated in every way. They are the best at this and that, they helped so and so, they claim responsibility for another's success. You name it, they will tell you they can and probably have succeeded at it.

Although a narcissist is pretty capable of feeding their own ego, that is not enough. Mental health workers often use the term 'narcissistic fueling' to define the very distinct behavior that a narcissist requires in a relationship. This can look as harmless as needing to hear that they are better than others, smarter than others, that no one can live up to their level of importance in your life... the list of how to fuel a narcissistic fire is long and involved but it's not the action of fueling the fire that is the most dangerous. It is the inaction or refusal to fuel their fire that ends in them behaving in ways that will ultimately hurt another person.

You don't feed their ego, you pay for it...and you pay dearly.

Common retaliatory behavior of a narcissist may be things like:

The silent treatment

Belittling

Cheating

Hurting people that you love in order to hurt you

Physical aggression

Threats of abandonment

Reminders of your own mistakes or weaknesses

Essentially, if you refuse to fuel a narcissist's fire, the goal of the narcissist will be to make you feel like or appear to others to be the lowest common denominator, worthless, wrong, weak, and stupid. 

Narcissists use a technique called gaslighting, quite frequently. This is when they behave in a way to make you question your own self assurance, memory, and motive. Many people submit during an argument with them because it becomes so overwhelming and confusing that they simply feel like they are losing their grip on what is sane and real. Submission is exactly what they want and it is another way to fuel their fire when they aren't getting the results they want from you. 

The reason I feel it important to educate others on this personality disorder is to raise awareness. Abuse from a narcissistic person does not always resemble what many perceive as typical abuse, but it is, none the less. It is through knowledge that we can be empowered. Even if you are not in a relationship with a narcissist, this knowledge may allow you to help a loved one who is. 

Personality disorders in large are very hard to treat and have low success rates. No, this does not mean things are hopeless in every instance. I am pointing that out so that you understand how dangerous and real this is and also to remind you that if you know someone who has this disorder,

YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME AND YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR FIXING IT. 

Self preservation is key here. Please know that you need to put yourself first.

Held Hostage By Your Past

We all have a history. That is a fact that none of us can change, nor should you want to. Our past experiences shape who we are today in many ways. This is growth, and evolution is essential to our own emotional and mental development.

Many times, people get stuck in their past. This does not always represent itself in ways you may imagine. It's not always things like missing a person from your past or ruminating over a choice that you made and regret.

The past can influence your current behavior in ways that many people are not aware of. We believe that to avoid a repeat of a painful experience, we must be diligent in keeping the pain in the forefront of our minds. This behavior essentially puts a roadblock up and stops you from progressing forward, out of the pain.This causes failed relationships, procrastinating behavior, self loathing, and a host of other problems that plague the person who is holding onto painful experiences.

When you enter into a relationship, whether it be romantic or not, with preconceived notions or expectations for pain... you will have pain. There is a philosophy that children live up to what is believed about them. For example, if you believe your child is a naughty brat and you treat them as such, they will constantly behave that way. Adults are no different. If you enter into a relationship believing that you will be hurt, you have already set the intention that no matter how the other person behaves, they will fail. You have, from the onset, decided to enter into a relationship with the idea that trust is already broken. It also keeps us from seeing a person in their true form because you have layered them in the clothes of your past, hiding who they are and making them who you perceive they will be.

You can not expect a healthy result when you enter into a situation with unhealthy baggage from your past.

Perhaps, someone in your past caused a belief that you are not of worth, that you are a failure, that you will never reach your full potential. Whatever negativity your past held, it formed a thought process that repeats on a loop until you stop it.

That's right, YOU and only you can stop it. Until you decide that you are the master of your own thinking, body, and choices... you will repeatedly succumb to the negative thoughts that were ingrained in you from the past.

A good example of this is how people handle anxiety. During a panic, we instinctively reach for the nearest thing that will cause it to subside. What we really need to do is wade through it and push forward through the discomfort until we come out on the other side. And we will. In fact, the more we force ourselves to stop avoiding negative feelings, the more we retrain our own brains into understanding that there is no danger, there is no threat, that the discomfort is just that...discomfort, and it will pass.

When a negative internal voice tells you that you won't succeed, you must continue on through the doubt and prove to yourself that you CAN succeed. You can succeed in all aspects of life.

This does not mean that there will not be times when relationships fail, jobs fall through, trust is broken. These are things that happen in life. But, having the mindset that it's just a hard moment and that you can move forward, steals the power of the negative event, and puts you back in control.

So I challenge you. I challenge you to really take a good hard look at the loop of negativity that is occurring in your mind as you read this...and I ask you to find any truth in it at all.

The past is not your truth. The NOW is your truth, and you are in control of this moment.

Realistic Resolutions: A New Year's Guide For The Motivationally Challenged

It seems like I do one of these every year. Mainly, because I think resolutions should be fun as much as they are useful. If you don't want a resolution that is going to cause you physical, mental, or emotional anguish... this is the guide for you. (and me)

1. Have a drink when you bloody well want one.

Really, can we just talk for a moment about how I didn't know how to act like the adult I am? This year I decided that I like a drink from time to time..and that I'm not a bad person for feeling like that. It's OK to get out of responsibility mode and let your hair down, providing you have hair. If you're of the bald variety, imagine you have hair.
So, have a drink. Or five. Really, you won't regret it. If you're old like me, drink lots of water. At 40, the body doesn't handle getting wasted and acting like a frat boy very well. I warned you.
Disclaimer: If you get in trouble for drinking, you totally did not get permission from me or this blog.

2. Stop looking at the nutrition facts on food.

Are you doing this? Don't do this. PLEASE STOP DOING THIS. Eat what you want, when you want. If losing weight is one of your preset resolutions, skip the rest of number two.
Really folks, nutrition facts are made by evil little dictators with nothing better to do than to make you feel like a fatty who's about to keel over from consuming more than seven pretzels in one sitting. Who makes up these serving sizes?! Evil people with stomachs the size of a grape, that's who.
I'll be right back, this made me hungry.

3. Stop caring about the fact that you seem like the only person in the world that changes the empty toilet paper roll.

Cause you are. You and me..we are the only people in the world that care. I have driven myself  near to insanity with changing toilet paper rolls that people ignore. I have cried tears anxiety, trying to track down the person who dared defile the bathroom in such a way as to not change the roll..or, GASP, those crazy people who just set a new roll on top of the old one.

This is causing me mental anguish. Moving on.

4. Listen to the music you like. unapologetically.

Yeah sure, I may judge your choice of music in my head, (If I hear that Frozen song, one. more. time...) but if it makes you happy, turn it up and rock out. I don't care if it's polka and you are dancing like Lawrence Welk. (gosh, I'm old) If it's country you're into, two step all night long. If it's metal... well, you and I are going to get along just fine.
Music is everything. Find what makes you tick and roll with it. Even if it means that people are staring at you wondering why you won't stop singing, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

(his name is my name too)

5. I'm really pushing my limits with five resolutions...but together, we can do this.
    Stop thinking that people care about you as much as you do.

I'm gonna level with you. We are more caught up with scrutinizing ourselves than others are.

Maybe that hurt your ego. Here, let me soften the blow...

You aren't so different than others. (I really need to work on getting a point across in a not so harsh way)

Truly. Wear the ridiculous hat that you won't wear out in public. Sing to yourself while walking in the store. Talk to yourself like there's actually another person there. Dance like it's we are back in an era when everyone danced and sang. You know, like that guy that went nutty and sang in the rain while dancing on light poles. Wait, that was a musical. Who cares? Sing in the freaking rain. Live your life like the freaks we all are, but hide because someone once told you to grow up and be normal.

I will be over here in my plaid pants and sequin top, a shot of brandy in my hand, headbanging to metal, thinking about how I never succeed at New Year's resolutions.

I'll work on perfection, tomorrow.

Complicating Life

 I was having a conversation tonight during which the question was posed, "why do you feel people are drawn to negativity? Why do people seem to want to make their lives harder than they need to be?" I've been contemplating it all night.

We've all chosen the more difficult paths at one point or another in our lives. Every single human has done this, some by choice, some out of defiance of following the 'norm', some because that is all they've ever known to do. The list of reasons goes on and on.

Where you fall on that spectrum is unique to you...but it doesn't explain why, as evolved beings, we continue to do this to ourselves after shooting ourselves in the foot on previous occasions.

I've tried to simplify my life as much as possible. On all levels. I've walked away from the drama. I've limited my own personal effects. I have a life that is fairly structured and still enjoyable on a deep level. It is not an impossibility to have this and still have a means of excitement. Deciding to live a simplistic life does not eliminate anything good. In fact, it makes the good in life, more prominent. 

I guess one situation that comes to mind for me when considering this is watching the dance that is human behavior in places like bars. My facebook feed is fairly saturated with women and men complaining about each other. There are countless posts about being unhappy with one's love life or lack thereof. Many, many posts about a person feeling jaded after their person of interest lacks reciprocated feelings. 

Why? Why are people doing this to themselves? What is the actual payoff? Human behavior denotes that a repeated behavior is fueled by some level of payoff. What fuels the desire to seek out that which is going to hurt, complicate, or create any level of drama in our own lives?

My only guess is this: a person does not feel they are worth the effort it takes to wait for something right, something natural, something intuitively easy and good...to happen to them. 

When we cherish and nurture ourselves, we learn to wait. It's not easy... sometimes it feels like the waiting is work, when in fact, it isn't. It just is. It's a matter of learning to say, "I deserve this time of waiting, I am worth the end result." This did not come easy for me. It took many tries of restructuring my own thinking to get to this point...and sometimes it's still an internal argument I have with myself. I see a situation that I am making harder and I have to step back and evaluate my own behavior and remind myself to slow down. 

We have to remember we are worth the simple, the good, the waiting.

Love: Keeping It Real

Nearly everyone is familiar with the biblical passage in Ephesians about what love is, and while it is indeed a beautiful thing to read, it leaves out some of the finer details about love and what it actually looks like in an active way. I've often wondered how many people have used that passage in their wedding and have really thought about it's meaning. 

The bible teaches one side of love. Media gives society a whole different level of skewed information about what love looks like. We have people who truly believe that they are failing at love because it isn't all flowers and romance as it is portrayed. 

Here's the thing. Love is an emotion that is given to ebbing and flowing, and therefore, it is subject to change. 

It's the changing that seems to be hard for people to accept or adapt to. What at one time felt like a tidal wave of good feeling, can sometimes feel like a trickle of water. That is not a bad thing. A trickle of water can still keep you alive. It is the thought that we must feel everything in explosive proportions that makes people feel something is very wrong with the love they have. 

Sometimes, you have to be patient with the trickle of water and realize that after a storm...you will have that tidal wave again. It just has to be replenished. 

Patience is not a virtue for most people. Why would it be when we live in a world that is made for instant gratification and encouraged impulsiveness? Why work hard at something when we can throw it away for a shiny new model that instantly causes a surge of good feelings?

Here's why.

The greatest things in our lives are the things we've worked the hardest for. If you've gone to school, you know the feeling of holding a diploma in your hand and the sense of deep down gratification it brings, because you worked hard to get it. If you can build something from the ground up, you know the feeling of standing back and looking at it with affection and pride. Love is no different. The harder you work at nurturing it, building it, being patient with it...the more you honor it. It is like raising a child. You can either nurture it into a full fledged functioning thing, or you can neglect it and create dysfunction.

Love and acceptance are one of our most basic human needs yet we constantly sabotage ourselves. For many, it is not enough to love simply. To just take that love that we've been given and to appreciate it for what it is in it's simplest form. We have to complicate it by expecting more, altering it, trying to transform it into something that, at the end of the day, is no longer genuine love, but a warped version of it's true form. 

Next time you feel that you are struggling with your relationship, don't automatically think, how can I add to this to make it better? Simplify. Strip yourselves down to the bare minimum. Remember that it is enough. In it's purest form...it is always enough, if you choose to let it be.

Comfort In The Unknown

Nearly all of my life I've been consumed with having to have a plan. The thought of having no control over the future would send me into a tail spin of anxiety and fear. That's reality though, not having control over the future. It is a wide open space that is given to change when we least expect it. We lose people, relationships, jobs, and anything that makes us feel anchored in our comfort zone. 

Feeling we have control is a huge fallacy. It is a preconceived notion that life is ours to manipulate and mold. 

We have today. That is all that promised. 

As you get older, thoughts of mortality sink in. The urge to make the most of our time left, becomes stronger and stronger. It's a knowing that there is finality. Someday, could be tomorrow, we will take our final breath. Morbid? Maybe for some. 

We spend so much time planning and plotting our future (or for some..living in the past), that we lose sight of the gift that is today. We become so entrenched in expectations for every part of our lives..that we lose the joy that comes along with not knowing what's around the corner. Life's surprises. 

The urge to micromanage every part of our lives and the lives of those we love is basically a wet blanket that will smother the happiness right out of us. 

I've lived in a kind of limbo for quite some time now. The end of my marriage tore a gaping hole in the blinders that I wore. The sudden loss of someone I loved finished the job and tore those blinders right off of me. In an instant, the neat little path that I led myself to believe was my direction, became a vast and open world. My feet, that I had so solidly planted, suddenly were directionless. It went against everything I thought to be rational and intelligent.

And though it took me good while to dare to take a step into the void..I did. 

My past, my pain, my expectations for my future and the people in it, fell behind as I explored the newness that I was facing. I did not dance into that freedom. I walked with trepidation, and from time to time, I would retreat back to what I held onto for so long...specifically my painful experiences. Odd that old pain comforted me and made me feel like I was still safe. But it did. as did reaching back for the perception that expectations would somehow solidify my existence. 

Here's the thing about living in the moment: It's glaringly brilliant and so full of wonder. Once you've opened your eyes to it, the light of it beckons you back from the darkness that was comforting. You can't unsee it. You can't ignore the knowledge it bestows upon you. You become drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

The hardest part of this transition for me was realizing that there was nothing I could do to avoid future hurts. It doesn't matter how much you expect from others and the world... everything can change. Everything is meant to change. 

I was scared to allow myself to love again. Broken trust nearly killed my desire to have another companion. I didn't want to hurt again. I didn't want to lose someone else. Then I realized that I couldn't stop my heart from being touched by another. 

There have been times, especially at the beginning when I would fall back to my old way of thinking. I saw myself having expectations for a future. The more I allowed that to happen, the more anxious I became because I now had the knowledge that I really had no control over it. 

So I let go of expectations and I started seeing each day as a blessing. It left room in my mind and heart to love again and to truly experience every ounce of emotion that the relationship has brought to me. More profound, it has allowed me to see the person in front of me for who they really are, not who I want or hope for them to be.

 

Embracing the unknown has opened doors in every direction. Some, I walk through and decide to walk back out of. Some of those doors have led to beautiful experiences. And yes, some have led to hurt...but it's OK because the unknown means that there are still plenty of other doors for me to open and explore what's on the other side of them.

 

My life has become limitless. 

 

My love has become pure without the tainting of a plan. It exists in perfect harmony with the universe because I have given up control.

 

My fears have all but dissipated. I am no longer even afraid of death.

 

I am like a small child again. Full of wonder, laughing and joyful with each new day because it is a present waiting to be unwrapped. 

 

This is truly living...and I don't ever want to go back to wearing those blinders. I don't need to know the future..it's inconsequential. I need only to suck every drop of goodness from this moment.

Fact Or Fiction

I'm mostly described as blunt, assertive, or words associated with someone who just can't contain herself and often says things that make people look at me like I'm out of my mind. And it's true. I'm a special kind of crazy when it comes to filtering what I say to people. There's a reason for this..

I abhor lying. 

Whether it be lying by omission , little white lies, or the big lies that people tell because they are ashamed of their behavior in one way or another.

Either way you slice it, lying is THE biggest way to lose my respect for a person. 

I can't say I've never lied. I was adept at it well into my twenties. At some point though, I realized that it was extremely tiring to keep up a charade of being, doing, thinking a way I really wasn't. As I look back, I often analyze why I behaved that way. It ultimately came down to shame. I felt shameful for wanting something I shouldn't have. I felt shameful for saying what I really felt about something. You name it, I could somehow find a way to feel shame in it. 

This is a human issue. We are taught, from a young age, that the truth equates to trouble. You were honest about getting hurt and crying and told to suck it up. If adults were mean to you, you were told to respect your elders. If your family had secrets, and most do, you were told to lie to keep the secrets. There are hundreds of ways that we are taught that lying is not only acceptable behavior but preferred behavior. 

But it isn't. 

It's stifling. It gives false perceptions about who you are as a person. It encourages people to act impulsively with little thought to consequence for their behavior. It's unreality in it's purest form... and it's a way of life without even realizing it.

Let me pose this question to you: What would happen if you were brutally honest at all times? 

Are you in charge of how someone feels if you tell the truth? Are you responsible for someone's reactions in general? They are their own feelings. Feeling you are somehow responsible for another's egos, feelings, or identity is a lie. It's akin to feeling like you can control someone's favorite color. 

How much time in our life do we waste, interacting with people we just won't be honest with in saying, "we just aren't compatible in a way that I need." How much time do we waste attending events or parties that we bitch about for days before going, simply because we have to keep up an appearance? How much of our life is wasted in relationships that only exist because two people won't be honest with one another about what they really want? How much time do we spend actively having to be aware of covering lies upon lies so that we don't get caught?

My honesty has resulted in many things over the years. My circle of actual friends just gets smaller and smaller, because I find not many people can offer me the same harsh truth that I bring to a relationship. 

And I crave that. I so badly want to meet others who stand in their truth in an unwavering way and live a life of freedom as a result. 

Take a deep down look at yourself. You are good enough as you are. Your thoughts and feelings are valid to you. It doesn't matter what anyone else in the world thinks about you...on any level. Until you can understand that and stop seeking validation from others...your life will continue to revolve around the lies that make you appear as you hope to others. It's a vicious cycle and you're the engineer. 

Or you can choose to get off the merry go round that will take you nowhere and stand on your feet and walk your own path.... 

and truly live.

Grief Demon

Some of my posts are inspirational. Some are funny. Some are like this one...raw emotion that I have no place to put except on a piece of paper or on this blog. I usually keep the darker side of things a bit private, save a couple people that I really trust with my heart. Not tonight. Not on this day. I am baring myself in front of you, for no reason other than sometimes we all need to see the realness of humanity.

I am a mess.

I am sad, angry, and every other emotion that you can relate to that negative space that we all have inside of us, but rarely talk about openly. 

Grief is a multifaceted emotion. I dare say there is no emotion quite like it. At least, not in my experience. In a day, I can go from laughing with happiness to feeling a sadness so deep that it's all consuming. I try to fight it. I try to busy myself with menial tasks to keep me occupied, but it's sitting right there on my shoulder... a little demon, reminding me of that pain that will live inside me forever.

And I do believe it is forever. Perhaps, over time it the pain presents itself less and less, but it is always just waiting for a memory to spark it back to life and fuel the fire that burns you from the inside out until you are engulfed in flames. 

I know the grieving cycle, for what it's worth. I am very self aware and not afraid to reach into the depths of my feelings and see them for what they are. But grief, this is one demon that loves chaos. It loves to knock you to your knees when everything seems OK. It likes to take the wind out of your sails and leave you stranded on a vast sea with nothing in sight. It likes to remind you of what you've lost. It steals warm feelings and chills you to your core.

Grief leaves you begging for a reprieve from reality. And you don't get that option. There is no stop button on life. You can't just pause or fast forward through the hard parts. You can either choose to fight for the light that you know exists, or you can give into that voice that says, "this is too hard to survive."

I am a fighter. God, am I am fighter. I don't go down easily and I try to always see the positive in things even when it feels impossible to find a spark of light. Grief reminds me that I can't always fight my way through to the other side. Sometimes, I just have to wait it out and give into a sadness that literally makes my chest ache. It makes tears run out of my eyes with no ability to stop them.

It makes me feel like all the good in my life is behind a wall that I cannot scale.

And I fucking hate it. I hate that powerless feeling that comes over me. I hate being reminded that I am still only human and that there is something I can't fix. You can't repair grief. You can't therapy it away. You can't medicate it away. It's always there....always waiting.

Perhaps the beauty in it, and God knows I always have to go to that place of figuring out where the beauty is, is that I loved someone so much. I allowed myself to be open to a person who crawled right into my heart and rested there. 

And I'll do it again. This self perpetuating cycle of letting others in to that space that is only reserved for those that are too special to turn away from....that's what living is about. 

Some Wounds Never Heal

I often see myself as a warrior. Someone who refuses to give up when things are at their worst. I have spent a lifetime fighting back and learning how to stand, feet planted, ready to swing back.

But..

There are some invisible forces that simply can't be fought. The resilience is in recognizing them and weathering the storm they bring. No amount of fighting will stop the onslaught, but you can hold on, reach out, put on the proverbial life vest and let the waves throw you around until it subsides.

Abuse and trauma change our brains in ways that most people don't acknowledge. Scientific studies of the brains of abuse victims show thinning in certain areas of the brain. Imaging has shown that pathways in the brain can become stunted, turned off, changed. There is no lack of evidence to back up the reality of how severe abuse, neglect, and trauma can alter the brain in very real ways.

I rarely touch on my own personal experiences as a child and teen....mainly because I see no benefit in it. Rehashing what I've been through does nothing for me except bring up painful memories to ruminate on. It gets me nowhere and serves no healthy purpose.

Sometimes though, the actions or words of another can open up a can of worms and no matter how you try to see it logically, the fear and shame come washing back like a wave. And it knocks you down. I think these moments are the hardest to cope with. They are unexpected, you are unprepared, and your mind goes back into safety mode for a bit because it senses a very real danger. This is not faulty thinking, this is the result of a brain that has been hardwired to perceive certain things as threats. In a way, it's self preservation. Fight or flight.

The awareness of post traumatic stress is leaps beyond what it used to be. It is a condition that most have at least heard of. This is a good thing. What people who don't have a history of trauma don't realize though, is that it isn't something people can just go to therapy and get over. There is no magic pill that stops the hurt of it. There is nothing, literally nothing, that a person can do besides try to learn to live around it...be aware that there will be times that pain will resurface, causing all manner of feelings.

As a general population, our initial reaction to a person who is hurting, is to try to fix it. Know this, there are no words that will make it better. In fact, bombarding someone with what you may perceive as care, can make the situation worse. The guilt and shame survivors feel runs deep. When everyone senses something is wrong with said person, they are quick to try to slap a verbal band-aid on it to make it stop. These band-aids are weak and do no more than make a person feel like they are a burden that is in need of attention.

We do not want attention.

We do not want sympathy.

We are not selfish.

We have strong feelings of guilt and shame for a situation we didn't ask for.

In these moments of pain. We simply want it to stop, yet we know it never will completely.

Imagine me handing you a sharp stone and saying to you, "here, put this in your shoe. You must walk around with it against your skin..forever. Seems daunting, doesn't it? So does living with depression, anxiety, or ptsd that is caused by severe, unnatural events. For some, it hits at odd times. For others, it is a daily struggle.

If you see someone is hurting, don't assume you can fix it. It's admirable that you may want to. You can't. Instead, ask how you can help, listen..don't give advice, be a silent support and hold them if they'll let you. If not, hold them in your heart and just try to understand that it isn't you. You didn't cause this, nor can you fix it.

Hurt people are some of the most beautiful souls on this Earth. Their internal scars are a network that is often woven into a soft net for others...because they know what it's like to be hurt to their core. Love them. 

The Silent Abuse: Parent Alienation

Few divorces or separations end well. This is just a sad truth that is exhibited in behaviors that are a trend among people who split up. It's not uncommon to see two people who spent meaningful time together, tear each other down when something goes wrong. You may call it natural human behavior or you may see it how I see it, childish.

Regardless of how the two people feel about each other in the end, there is a poisonous side effect of this behavior that is potent and harmful when a child is involved. It is called parent alienation, and it's happening in epidemic proportions.

It is silently encouraged by a broken court system that still gives mothers more rights than fathers due to outdated beliefs about gender roles and out of date laws regarding them between a father and a mother. To say this doesn't happen to mothers would be a lie. It is important to note though, that statistically, the problem is more likely to happen to a father.

Parent Alienation is defined as this:
The process, and the result, of the psychological manipulation of a child into showing unwarranted fear, disrespect or hostility towards a parent and/or other family members. It is a distinctive and widespread form of psychological abuse and family violence—towards both the child and the rejected family members—that occurs almost exclusively in association with family separation or divorce. (as cited by wikipedia)

Did you read all of that? I'm hoping you did. I'm also hoping that you caught the part about it being a widespread form of abuse against children and parents.

I have encountered this on so many occasions through both professional and personal interactions with families. Every time I encounter it, I see the same devastating, harmful impact it has on them. For the sake of this blog, I will focus primarily on the impacts of this on a child.

When a parent demeans another parent, limits contact with a child, takes them away from the other parent, or in any way.. takes a childs ability away have a healthy loving relationship with the other parent, they are abusing their child. Period. Unless it is a proven fact that the alienated parent is harmful for a child due to being abusive, there is no reason a child should be denied the human right to not be a pawn in a sick game of power that results in them losing a key person in their lives and social development.

Parent Alienation Syndrome is a very real problem among children who are put in this position. Although more aptly called a type of relationship dysfunction rather than a mental illness, it is still proven to cause long lasting trauma and social dysfunction in a child.

When one parent treats and coaches a child in a way that causes them to have a false set of beliefs about another parent, it is manipulation on a deeply psychological level.

When one parent moves their children away and cuts off all or most contact with a child's other parent, they are choosing to treat their children as objects rather than the human beings they are.

All of this for power. Abusing their children for their own ego's sake. Ruining the chances of healthy relationships with others because they want to prove a point to their ex and will stop at nothing to do so.

If we, as a parent, manipulate our children into false sets of beliefs about the world around them and the people in it, we stunt their growth as individuals and give them a very warped perception of how to interact with others.

Children in this situation often develop anger problems, physical ailments, depression, and severe anxiety.. because they are battling that voice in their head that tells them whats real. It is an all out war, internally, between the core want of the love of two parents and the programming that has been used to tell them it's wrong to want that.

Why are we allowing this to happen? Sitting silently with our hands folded in our laps while the legal system and bitter, unhealthy parents essentially rape the minds of children. How can we, as loving humans, watch this unfold and not acknowledge it for what it is? Child abuse.

No, we may not have the power to completely change a broken court system...but we do have the power to start talking about this openly. We have the ability to impact one person's life by just being aware of it and sharing information like this to those who are experiencing it or are actively involved in alienating their child from another parent.

It's time to start calling this out. It's time to say, "I see this and I will not stand for it." It's time to show children that they deserve more respect than what they have been shown. It's time to give them their power back as individuals that have a deep want at their core to only be loved and love their parents without influence and lies.

I trust that you would not stand by silently as a parent physically beat their child. Make the choice to not stay quiet about psychological abuse as well. Be a voice for a child when they are being silenced by fear of backlash and disappointment.

To those of you going through this.. my heart aches for you and your babies. I have encountered this too many times to not see the horrible ways it eats at you until depression becomes a very real problem. I ask you, as a parent, to keep fighting...tirelessly..to make it right. Not just for your own sake, but for your child's as well. You both deserve much more.

Men Are Not Our Puppets

Tsk Tsk, this post will probably piss off a few people. I'd say I care, but I don't. So no, you don't get a trigger warning for what I'm about to say.

Dear Women who treat men like they are mindless, ignorant, unfeeling, unaware, sexist, and my favorite, creatures who are here for us to manipulate...

You suck.

Let me rephrase.

You give us women who appreciate and embrace the differences between genders, a bad name.

Men and Women ARE NOT the same. Guess what? Science has proved that. We are hardwired differently, and that's OK. No, it's better than OK. It's what has kept the human species alive.

Yet, here I am. Surrounded by a sea of women that think that men, when they don't meet a woman's expectations, deserve subhuman treatment.

Did you read that correctly? Did you catch the part that talks about treating men like crap because they aren't behaving how you (I'm talking to you, women) think they should? I hope you did, cause that's what it comes down to. You get disappointed because a man's choices or behaviors don't match what you've magically created in your head for them. As a result of your disappointment, you resort to the far too familiar man bashing fall back.

Allow me, if you will, to give you some examples of this:

He doesn't love me the way I love him. He's a self absorbed and selfish man. I'll find someone who's smart enough to see my worth. (remind me again when loving someone became a matter of being a selfish person as opposed to a free emotional reaction to another person?)

He doesn't even notice when I'm upset. (Oh, that's right, men are mind readers and us women have zero responsibility for expressing our feelings through words in a way that might actually let a man know you are upset without the guessing game.)

He doesn't do anything around the house. (Let me guess. You do ALL of the work 100% of the time. Do you ask him to help out and then show him gratitude for the things he does? Do you remember that we, as humans, thrive on feeling that we are needed and worth something? Do you nag the shit out of your man and then wonder why he's isolated himself away..essentially giving up on you and the house?)

We live in this world of fantasy where we (as women) are taught that it is OK to resort to passive aggressive behavior when things don't go according to our plans. We are taught, on the whole, that everyone owes us something and if we don't get it, they are the failure. Even more, we have steered so far away from the actual science behind male and female emotions and behavior, that our perceived knowledge of the opposite sex is no longer based in reality.

Men are not what you see in media. Men are not the unrealistic perfect creatures that you dream about while you listen to your sweet love songs. Men are not here for the sole purpose of making you feel complete. Men are not malleable little balls of clay that are just waiting to be sculpted into a perfect figure of what you think you want.

They are not here to be trained by their significant others. You are not their leader. You are not a god.

Here's a quick antidote to all your love disappointment: Stop treating others like it is their responsibility to make your life complete. Stop expecting others to love you so hard, that they lose themselves. Stop expecting anything. You are the captain of your ship. You are soley responsible for where you take it.

Want to know something men find completely sexy and admirable in a woman? Someone who is independent enough to know how to create her own happiness. A woman who can appreciate the differences between men and women and embrace them rather than imply that they are neanderthals with very little brain capacity.

Is this post sexist? All I can say is this,

If the shoe fits, lace that thing up and run with it.

Fake It Till You Make It

I've been faced with situations this past year that have pushed me to my limits. Times when I've been so down, that I could literally go no lower. We've all had these moments in life, they are not unique to me, nor would I imply that they are.

There were times in that pit that I remember thinking I had to make a move. I had to do something to get back up and get out of the darkness. Even if, in some sick way, the darkness became comforting. I knew it was not living or for the living.

I had heard the phrase 'fake it till you make it'.. many times in my life. I never subscribed to that logic. How could one possibly fake happiness until it became a reality? But I knew I had to try anything to find a light again.

It started with me forcing myself to go places, even though inside, I hated the thought and it made me anxious to interact with new people. I knew I had to do it. So I put on a smile and I went. I met new people. I watched people. In the beginning, my interactions with them were surface at best. I was still a closed off room, but it served it's purpose. I eventually met people that I felt safe enough to open the door to a little bit. I talked through the gap. I kept them at a very safe distance from my heart. Down the road, I opened the door and let a few people in my head space. It was terrifying..but I knew I wanted to feel closer and they had proved that they deserved more than just a surface me.

I began to transcend into a new reality.

I was no longer faking it. I had made it.

I started to utilize this skill in many areas of my life. I knew that if I gave my intention to the universe, I would make it happen. And I did.

This is really just another form of resiliency. It's not dishonest. It's not a way to trick people. It is a tool that allowed me to push through the toughest moments in my time on this Earth.

Here's my reality. I am no different than any of you. There are days that are full of happiness, laughter, beauty, a sense of something tremendous. But, I also still have times where none of that matters in the moment because my sadness becomes so acute that it pushes the wonderful away.

But only for a time. Not forever. I don't stay there anymore. To stay there means dying inside. It means giving up. I'm not hardwired to give up. I can't.



*This is not a way to make people who are suicidal or clinically depressed, feel like less. I need to say that. There are circumstances where people need help to find their light again. That's OK! We are all dealt a different hand in life. You play yours how you need to to get the most out of this existence. This is just what has worked for me. *

Three Months

Charlie,

It's been three months since the last time I held your face in my hands and said, 'goodbye.'

Three months since I've heard you say my name. 

Three months since we said, "I love you."

Three, very long, very hard and painful months.

I'm sad right now. It comes in waves when I least expect it. Like a tsunami of grief that can't be contained, even when I try my best. It's consuming. It brings me to a place of sheer sorrow and the only way I climb out is by digging...again. 

And I fucking do it. I fucking dig my way out of that dark place, again and again. I have no other choice. 

Christ, it's tiring sometimes and I'm so thankful for the hand that sometimes reaches down and helps me climb out. 

The hands that you knew would. The people you gave to me that remind me, every single day, that I'm not alone in this. Your family. Your friends. The good ones. The angels that have swooped in and shielded me with an unspeakable love. 

In all of this, it's this blessing from you that reminds me to find light in all of the darkness that is the loss of you in this world. 

You knew I would need them. You knew they would come through. And they have, in more ways than you could have hoped for me. 

Maybe someday I will stop counting time. That is not this day. This day is still tremendously hard and I relive our last moments on this date, every month and more. 

I am alive. I am thriving. I am pushing myself in ways that you always encouraged me to. 

I just wish you were around still to smile at the beauty of it. Even if from a distance. 

I love you. I always will. I miss you. I always will. I've accepted this. And those that matter most, understand the whys and hows. 

I'm still floating here, in the waves..watching the moon wax and wane as time passes. 

What Musicians Don't Tell You

Everyone has that thing that touches them in a way that can evoke every emotion possible. I have never experienced something as powerful as music. It has been a part of my life, in some form, since I was born. It's a constant. No matter who comes and goes, music is a companion that has stayed by my side through everything. 

For most of you, as people who enjoy listening to music, you understand this thought process. But there are things that we musicians rarely talk about because it is such a profound experience for us. It is primal. It is beautiful and ugly at the same time. It is a constant work of art that we never really perfect but can still feel proud of. 

It is expression in its rawest form...and you, the listeners, get a glimpse of our very soul.

The process of writing music sometimes comes easily. There are pieces that fit together with ease. Then there are those pieces of music that we can work on for years, adding to them, changing them.. all variables that can shift on a moment to moment basis. Lifelong works that no one will ever hear. They are ours. We hold them near to our heart like an infant to it's mother's breast. We nurture them. Sometimes, we put them down for a bit because we need the space from the intensity. We look at them with love and frustration. 

When an artist is standing in front of you, you may feel the driving beat, the clarity in a voice, words that touch you in some way that's very relative to what you are experiencing in your life. What you see and feel and what we see and feel are very different.

We are baring ourselves to you. Each note, a part of a living and breathing thing that we are trusting you with in that moment. We are essentially saying, "here, hold my baby..the love of my life..and appreciate it as much as I do." And that's an impossibility, because no one can ever truly appreciate your own creation..but we try anyway, because it is our gift to the world. It is our part of a tightly woven fabric that is the universe in it's entirety. 

Music, to us, is as essential as breathing. Our bodies may not die from the lack of it, but our spirits will..and that is worse. Taking away our ability to create would render a musician powerless on so many levels that we would essentially lose a passion that fuels us to keep going. We would become hollow shells of our true selves. 

Live music is highly underappreciated. We see each performance as a chance to stand in front of others, naked, and hope that in some small way..we move you. There is a knowing that we may not reach people. We accept that as part of it. It is not a matter of wanting the satisfaction of hearing someone say, "YOU made me feel this way." It is a need. Performing for others is as much for us as it is for you. You hear a song...we hear each note and beat as it's own unique entity. 

We exist to express our inner most selves to the world in a way that is unmatched. There is no replacement or balm that soothes our soul more. 

Next time you have the opportunity to see a musician or musicians perform, remember these things. Not for our sake, but so you can truly immerse yourself in our world. There is beauty in knowing that a drummer's muscles are so perfectly sculpted that they can give you that driving beat, and that rhythm is also beating along with their heart. A guitarist's or bass guitarist's hands have honed their skill to a point of muscle memory, yet they are still trying to find new ways to push themselves into a different mode. A singer has poured over novels of words and has learned to use their voice as a way of conveying the deep meaning of them. Each note, bent and sustained to give them power. 

Playing It Safe

Hi, my name is Terralyn. I've been sober for almost a year. My drug of choice was safety.

If there was a support group for people who were afraid of living, I could have been the facilitator. 

I'm not suggesting I haven't had my share of fun and adventure. I have. I really have. At some point, I lost that want to jump, and I made myself a sweet little net to carry around to fall into when risks scared me. 

I lived fearfully...and that's not really living. 

I was afraid of dying, losing relationships, going new places, being alone, saying 'no' to people, pain...the list goes on and on. I became an anxious monster who sat in her cave and watched life happen around me while I ruminated over the lurking danger around me. I carved the days in the walls to mark the time to remind me that hiding had kept me alive and fairly hurt free. (at least that's how I viewed it)

I wasn't alive. I certainly wasn't free from hurt. I was dead inside except for the fire of anxiety that burned every day. I was consumed by it. I clung to to it like a child clings to their favorite blanket. I'd cover my eyes to the world with it. 

In an instant, my life turned upside down and all the false security I had been surrounded by, was suddenly gone. Poof. Gone. It walked out on me and I became a crazed woman. I remember days of crying so hard from my fear that my heart literally hurt. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I didn't create or destroy. I gave up on myself so completely that I was accepting the worst as the outlook for my future. I felt I was nothing. I had nothing left. 

So many people live like I did. They bide their time by taking a back seat to their own lives. They put blinders on and accept what lies their eyes can see..not the truths all around us when we turn our head to look at them. 

The risks I take now may seem inconsequential to many..but I am just learning to live again. A year is not very long. I have years to make up for. 

Living is not always the grand displays of adventure that we are shown in media. Sometimes, it's a quiet whisper, saying, "do something uncomfortable today." For some, that could be as simple as choosing to get off the couch and moving their body. It could be saying 'no' to people in your life that prey on your fear of being unkind. Sometimes living is choosing to get up every single day, even when it feels like you can barely get a sock on one foot before your pain starts to remind you it's still there...waiting. 

I'm not a victim to anyone. Please don't misunderstand. I was a victim of my own choices and inaction. I created the hell I lived in. I took life's traumas and weaved them into sweater. It kept me warm for short periods of time. 

Here's reality. We are never truly safe and any choices we make based on the lie that we are safe, are based in fear and not love. Love of yourself. Love of life. Love of living. 

So, today, I choose to continue to make myself stretch a little more. I choose to welcome the unknown and wonder at it's ability to change my world in ways that I could never expect. I wake up and start each day with curiosity. I choose to embrace the bumps and bruises and dust off and keep going. 

I choose to risk it all...because I am alive.

I blew that cave up and watched it crumble as I walked away.

Codependency-In Which I Finally Open Up About My Marriage

When Kendrick and I split up, I got a lot of:

"I never saw that coming!"

"You two seemed like you had the perfect relationship."

"You were like one brain in two bodies."

The dissolving of a marriage is never easy. I doesn't matter why or how it happens. It's just a huge mixed bag of emotions to sift through until you reach the bottom and realize that sometimes, it's just better that way. Sometimes, it takes a long time to be able to say that it's better. And that's OK. Once our ego settles down, we become open to hearing the positive things that can happen after a separation. It's all about accepting and growing. 

My marriage was anything but perfect, in hindsight. I don't blame anyone for it. I don't regret it. It just wasn't the picture postcard that it appeared to be to others and often, to us. There were amazing times and memories, but there was also a lot of codependency on both of our parts, and it imploded. 

Codependency is a sneaky jerk. It can be so easy to follow that urge to just lose yourself in love, to share every moment together, to give up stuff that your partner doesn't like...

To lose yourself completely to another person. 

At first, codependent relationships feel safe. "This person loves me so completely, that they have given me all of them." There's no room for mistrust because you live and breathe the same air at all times. It's safe feeling. That feeling of routine and knowing what to expect can make us lose sight of what living truly is. 

After you feel safe and secure, the suffocation begins. Your expectations for one another are so severe that the person YOU are, gets shoved down deeper and deeper. You find yourself wondering why you feel incomplete, like there is something you want but can't figure it out. That feeling exists because the relationship has put you in a position to give up on your own goals and hobbies. Sometimes, for so long, that you actually lose the desire to pursue them if it means independence. 

Your entire world gets exponentially smaller. And so do you.  

After thoroughly suffocating the self right out of you, things explode. We are not meant to live like that. It is not a healthy love. 

We are meant to be free. We are meant to live our lives, possibly side by side with another, but still independent. Some people can ignore this for a long time. I certainly did. I had a traumatic youth, and Kendrick made me feel safe in many ways. I clung to that. Same for him. 

It took our relationship ending to finally have a head clear enough to see just how wrong it all was. To see how wrong I was to hand myself over to another person and essentially give up my own sense of autonomy.  

It took me breaking. It took him breaking. It took our relationship breaking. 

I can only speak for myself, but it was what I needed to shake my life up. I needed to wake back up and take my life back...for me and no one else. 

I know many of you have wondered and have waited for this kind of post. I understand curiosity. I also hope that you realize that I don't regret the marriage or it ending. It is another chapter in my life..each chapter helping to create a life's story. 

I am much more aware now. I am free now. I have healthy boundaries now. I wouldn't change that if the opportunity was there. It took me a while, but I got there. And that feels fucking amazing... Every single day.