Bad ass nun

I'd convert too if I had to face her.

men

Sometimes I really wonder how men take care of themselves when they don't have a woman in their lives. Don't misunderstand me here, I am not saying this to make myself feel more important. I honestly watch Kendrick sometimes and wonder if he could make a week straight if I wasn't around. Today was a perfect example. He signed up for a 5K memorial run . First off, I had to trick him into "walking" the run rather than dying of a heart attack in the heat. I won't lie...other than the activity he gets on patrol neither of us are chomping at the bit to exercise. I like to play tennis from time to time but as soon as I start to feel I am doing it for any other reason but fun, I begin to resent it. It's like this with any exercise. We are bad for each other in this way. Anyways, I signed his brother up to walk with him...but Matt has asthma so I knew Kendrick couldn't run with him. Without this set up Kendrick would have tried to keep up with the other men in his platoon. I thought setting him up to have to walk would save him the embarrassment of keeling over in the midst of it all.
We get up this morning and get ready and it is sweltering outside. The sun is so bright overhead that two minutes in it and you feel yourself burn. Kendrick was meant to be born with red hair I am convinced. He can burn faster than anyone I know. It's some genetic fuck up. I say to him this morning, "you really should put some sunscreen on." He says, "yeah I know." I didn't go get it for him and slather it all over him like I would have our son...so do you think he put it on?? No! We were on our way there and I asked if he did and I got a resounding, "Oh shit!" Needless to say, he returned from the walk so sunburned and so close to heat exhaustion the rest of the day was spent in the shade with a cold rag on his head. Did I take care of him? Oh yes I did. I can't say I didn't want to slap his sunburn though.

a trip to Dr. Mengele...I mean the dentist

Went to the dentist today to get a tooth pulled. I always dread going to the dentist. It's never good news. Even though I brush twice a day and floss regularly I still seem to get cavities like it's my job. I just started seeing a new one. The waiting room was shiny and comfortable. Big cushy chairs and hundreds of magazines to peruse. They even had a curio cabinet with with little knick knacks in it. None of this detracted from the knowledge of what was to come though. No matter how soft they may try to make the environment I start shaking like a leaf every time I go.
My sister in law was saying the other day that she would rather give birth again then go to the dentist. Talk about a dedication to hating something! She's got a point though. At least with child birth you made the decision to go through it. She has called to check on me twice tonight. I consider myself lucky to have such a great sister in law. Although I would be lying if I didn't admit that part of my love for her is that we are the same size. Do you even know how convenient this is? We even wear the same size shoe. All my life my friends have been smaller than me and I was the odd (and by odd I mean fat) girl out. Not anymore..I can call her up and say, "Sue, you know that shirt you had on when you came over for dinner? I need to borrow that. Oh, and the shoes too...I don't care if you are wearing them now...take them off!" It's liberating.
At any rate, after today's appointment I tend to agree that childbirth is a better option. I survived the dentist...but just barely.

Ode to a lemon

We bought a car ten months ago. Sure it was a 1999. Sure it was used. But we felt it was a marked improvement over our existing vehicles. Boy did she shine in the dealer's lot. We looked at her and thought, "what a body!" We ran our hands over her and patted her rear and said, "today is your lucky day, we are taking you home with us." We drove her off the lot and marvelled at her speed, her get up and go ability, and her handling.
Cue music from deliverance.
Her thirty day warranty passed and her check engine light came on. We noticed blue smoke started coming out of her tailpipe. We noticed the expense of the quart of oil we had to feed her every other day. We took her to a few different mechanics and they all gave us a death sentence.
Her check engine light is on for good now and no matter what work we do it wont go off. We put a Mr. Yuck sticker above it some time ago to make looking at it just a bit funnier. Kendrick even has a special voice he reserves to personify the car. It's a grouchy old man who yells, "check my engine!"
We take hills nice and slow because it's hard on her. We feed her oil because she tends to puke it back up all over her engine. We keep her RPM's low because revving her makes her throw up oil even more.
I believe in assisted suicide. I think she is screaming for help.

What's this you may ask??

This is a pair of glasses that I have been instructed to start wearing. I even antiqued the picture to make it that much more appropriate to this post. They are a testament to getting old. Last year I started the aging process with floaters appearing in my vision. The optometrist was kind enough to point out that it's common with aging. This year I am told I need glasses for distance. What will it be next year...cataracts? Sometimes I just stare at the glasses and silently curse them.

I started getting grey hair about two years ago. Just a few strays towards the hairline in front. It's gradually creeping throughout my full head of hair. My sweet brother in law Matt was riding behind me in the car and so lovingly said, "Holy shit you are getting a lot of grey hair in the back of your head!" Thanks Matt for those sweet words....they really touched me.

Every once in a while I hear a creak from my knees when I stand up from a kneeling position.

I used to say I would embrace getting old. I would feel good about the grey hair and feel I have earned each of them. I would regard them and my wrinkles as a sign of wisdom.

I must be getting wiser because now I realize what a stupid thing that was to say.

wtf rant

I am sure you are all familiar with acronyms like wtf and lol. Having a teenager I learn a new one daily. I can't lie and say it isn't annoying to me. Are you really saving tons of time using acronyms like this? Let me break down a normal texting conversation that my son has with his friends.

Wdywtta? (what do you want to talk about?)
Idk, wdywtta? (I don't know, what do you want to talk about?)
Idc. (I don't care)
Lmao, we r dum. (Laughing my ass off, we are dumb.)
Lol, I no. (Laughing out loud, I know)

It makes my head want to explode. The only saving grace for me in this is that he is a teenager so I expect it out of him. But today, oh yes, I drove by a church in town with these types of acronyms on their sign. Brilliant huh?

NO MATTER WHO U R
U R WELCOME HERE!

I thought I was going to drive into the side of the church and crash into a big fiery ball due to the bleeding that was occurring inside my brain. I have a problem with the crazy advertising and slogans that churches have started to display outside. Like this one....
"WHEN YOU ARE IN HIM AND HE IS IN YOU GREAT THINGS HAPPEN!" or this one,
" TOUCH EVERYONE FOR JESUS!"
These are bad enough as it is, but you start adding acronyms into the mix and I just want to scream.

my weakness

I have a weakness for cute cats...ok, well cats in general. Kendrick and I stopped at a huge rummage sale yesterday and were walking around looking at things. Suddenly I hear Kendrick say, "why would they be selling a box of fur?" Upon closer inspection we realized it was a cat sound asleep in a box in the sun. This fuzzy bundle of sweetness was so adorable I could barely contain myself.

What is it about sleeping cats that makes us both melt I can't tell you. We have a cat ourselves and about a hundred times a day we marvel at his cuteness. We could easily become one of those crazy cat couples. Thank god we have some restraint or we would own enough of them to fill our house.

Here is a picture of our cat Tocho playing poker. This humanlike behavior is pretty typical. He often joins us at the table when we are playing games or eating. He doesn't beg for food. He just sits there for the company.

Decals

We were riding around today and in front of me was a car with two HUGE NY Yankees decals on it. We started discussing why sports fanatics feel the need to advertise their favorite sports teams. We don't really care what team you love, or what hobbies you participate in.
This made us wonder though.....Why don't all people advertise their hobbies? Why don't coin collectors have decals with coins on them, or stamp collectors have decals with a stamp and tweezers? Why don't clowns have a sticker that depicts balloon animals?

While I am at it. There has been a rise in vehicles with memorial stickers on them. Everyday I see a car with a sticker that says, "IN LOVING MEMORY" with someones name and the date they died under it. When did advertising the deceased become so acceptable? Some people even have photos on the decals. It's disturbing.

You know what we think? We think if you have a memorial decal you should be carrying the body in the trunk as well.

Ageless

When I think of grandmothers I think of sweet old ladies sitting in their rocking chairs knitting booties for babies. Perhaps joining the Red Hat group and embracing aging proudly.

I do not though, picture a grandmother who dyes her hair crazy colors when the mood strikes. She doesn't get a Korn tattoo or attend hard rock/metal concerts and bang her head in time with hundreds of teenagers. She definitely doesn't shake her fist in the air while she gets bounced around by nearby moshers. She doesn't sport hot pink nails or wear crazy goth costumes for Halloween. She sure as hell doesn't play the drums.

Unless of course it's my son's Nana http://www.misfitinparadise.blogspot.com. She makes me look like the grandma. Last week in the mail he received a Buckcherry bandanna and I was reminded once again of what kind of stuff this woman is made of. She refuses to stop progressing...and to this I say..Rock On !

Symantics

PETA to Pet Shop Boys: Rescue Shelter Boys, perhaps?
http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/Music/04/10/peta.pet.shop.boys/index.html

This was a headline on the CNN site today. Apparently PETA has asked the Pet Shop Boys to change their name. They also want to start calling fish......sea kittens. Because who would want to put a hook through a sea kitten?

This hearkens back to a conversation Kendrick and I had with our son about using a taser on duty. Lennon stated that the word Taser seemed so mean sounding. Kendrick said he could start referring to it as "fluffy clowning" it may seem less threatening and offensive to the general public. This made Lennon laugh...." Stop or you will be fluffy clowned!!!"

Does the soft name really change the pain that would ensue? Me thinks not. I am all for animal rights. But for god's sake PETA. Stop coming off as such tools.

Finally official

Trip #2 to the SS office was a treat much like the first. I decided that if they weren't going to issue me a new card with my married name, and I couldn't get a driver's license without an SS card that I was going to apply for a duplicate of my old one with my maiden name. Then I would take that to the DMV to get a NY license and THEN go back to the SS office for the new card.
Confusing?? Yes it is. So I go yesterday and explain this to the man at the SS office and he stares at me blankly for a few moments and says, "We can't do that." Well of course I ask why. He says, "because your married name IS legally your name now. We can't give you a duplicate with your maiden name because you aren't that person anymore by law."

DEEP BREATH

Oh hold on now...I can't get a new card because I don't have a new license showing my new name..but in his little computer sitting there in front of him my legal name is my married name? Am I going crazy??? Did I drop acid without knowing it?? Because I am really starting to feel like I am on a bad trip and this short guy behind the bullet proof glass is mocking me.

I just stared back. Then I laughed. Then I laughed again. Then I had a mild stroke do to the pressure building up in my head. Ok, not really but I swear I started to have a mental breakdown. I almost asked this guy if he really wanted to be the one responsible for putting me in the mental ward two weeks after getting married.

I went to the hospital today to get my medical records with my new name on it..he accepted that. Go figure.

I used to be a counselor for small children with severe psychological problems. One day when I was working with a very angry five year old he stood in front of me, hands on his hips, and yelled, "I am going to go post office on you!!" (he meant postal)

I wanted to go post office on this guy at the SS office. He's damn lucky I have some self control.

Crazy Kendrick question.again

I don't know why it seems that driving in the car inspires Kendrick's craziness even more. Perhaps it's the fast moving objects and lights flying by that cause some sort of whirlwind in his brain. Maybe it's exhause fumes making him high.

" Why when people kill someone they put them in the trunk? Why don't they prop them up in the front seat and pretend they are asleep?"

My head is spinning

Leave it to the government to tarnish my newly wedded bliss with stupidity!

I got my marriage certificate today! Well it's a good a time as any (so I thought) to apply for a new social security card with my new name! Then I can just take my sweet ass over to the DMV and apply for a NY state license...since I am still running on a PA license. So, I get to the SS office and talk to the guy through a big bullet proof shield and a microphone and he says, "well we can't give you a new SS card without a new license." My head about spun off its shoulders. I have a birth certificate, PA license, various credit cards, marriage certificate and this is not sufficient?? Really? REALLY??! I don't know what to say to this guy and judging by the bullet proof glass I better not get smarmy or my ass is going to jail. So I swallow my frustration and politely say thank you while staring daggers.

Off to the DMV I go. What do they have to say to me?? "Sorry, you can't get a license without the SS card."

GO FUCK YOURSELVES..ALL OF YOU

Ahh City life

I balked at the thought of moving back to the city. Love makes you do crazy things. Frequently I see things that make me complain about it and it causes me to go into long explanations as to why small town living is better. BETTER!

Today I was sitting patiently in my car waiting to be the next at the ATM. The person in front of me finished and I put my car in drive. Suddenly a man on a rascal scooter zips right in front of me as if I wasn't there, sporting shades, several large gold rings, and had a filterless cig hanging out of his mouth. I wanted to get out of my car and pop a hole in his scooter tire. I wanted to run into him from behind and push his rude ass out of the way.

I sat and waited though..seething in my proof that city folk are so often blatantly rude.

I want my little rural town back. Sure everyone knows you and your affairs..but we are all beholden to each other.

Good luck charms

Why are people so prone to believing that certain objects or rituals bring them luck? I have never been superstitious on any level, not even slightly. But boy did I marry a freak of a man who is.
I was reminded of this this morning when we were coming in from outside and he saw a penny heads up on the ground. Why is this lucky? I throw pennies out all the time because they are a nuisance to me. What makes them so desirable if they are heads up?? All I can think about is how dirty they are laying on the ground. Do people really save the penny? Really? You know at some point they become part of the money you put towards you fast food purchase.

I am not allowed to lay a hat on the bed....again why? It's bad luck that's why. He is convinced that something dreadful is going to happen if I do. Sometimes I will lay down and stick my hat underneath me so he can't see that it's on the bed. It's my rebellious way of fighting back. Then at an inopportune time, like say when we are kissing passionately, I pull out the hat and watch him freak out. You may think this is mean..I call it therapy.

Ever go to a casino and see people who rub the screen every time they bet? What the fuck is that? Are they really convinced that it is helping them to win money? I love watching them burn through a hundred dollars just rubbing away. What will it take to get it through to them that it is doing nothing. In fact, I think it should be outlawed. It's so annoying that I have to get up and move because I want to scream at them that it is stupid and useless...AND ANNOYING ME!!

"You better knock on wood!" Seriously??? His whole family is convinced they are going to jinx themselves at any moment. I can't say anything positive about my day without hearing I better knock on wood. Me, "I can't believe I haven't caught that cold everyone has." Kendrick, "You better knock on wood and fast! Do it, find some wood!" If I don't find the wood he will commence to do it for me...sometimes I swear you can hear an audible sigh as if he just saved my life. If this happens in the car he will knock on plastic and for some odd reason..this suffices.

I don't know how I survived without his help. Think of all the times I was risking my life, not throwing salt over my shoulder, not knocking on wood, and laying my hat on the bed. Thank you Kendrick for saving my life on a daily basis.

Kicking the tires

We were drawn into the world of The Duggars..much to our chagrin. There is something about this 18 child family that makes you gawk and stare. You want to turn off the tv and say, "I have no interest in this." Try as you may though, you can't. Once you have seen two minutes of the show it spreads like cancer through your brain untill it is all encompassing.

Last night was the reshowing of Josh Duggar's wedding. (the oldest boy) Moments before his wedding his dad, JimBob, pulls him aside to teach him the birds and the bees. That's right. He is on the precipice of having sex for the first time in his life and his father decides that that was the very moment to give him a few tips on the act. Except, he doesn't give him the real facts...he gives him a video and a book called, Intended for Pleasure. It is a book designed for virgins on their wedding day. Of course I am a curious person and I just had to read some reviews on this book. Here are a few:

"Six months after we were married, I was wondering if all men wanted sex ALL the time. It seemed like it was exhausting work with no equal payoff for the wife."

"My husband learned that I may not have an orgasm every time and it's OK."

"According to Dr. Wheat the only way to bring a woman to orgasm is from clitoral stimulation. Which is a crock many women have G-spot orgasms during intercourse, but according to Dr. Wheat intercourse is not pleasurable to the wife only to the husband and he should "manually stimulate her" after his own orgasm."

"The Wheats are against oral sex calling it a short cut and not the way "God would have designed" it in part because it "limits the amount of loving verbal communication that husband and wife can have as they make love."

And now a segment from the book:

"If you think your husband seems to require a lot more sex than you do, ponder this illustration: If you were in the desert and you were thirsty, you'd think about a glass of water, wouldn't you? But if you're standing by the refrigerator, and there's an opportunity to push the button and get it any time you want to, the need for a drink is not nearly so urgent. Maybe the reason your husband seems never to think of anything besides sex is that he's "in the desert" and "thirsty" "Sometimes you will be very tired and feeling as sexy as an old sock, but your husband will approach you with desire. Secular therapists say a wife should be able to respond, "Sorry, but I'm just not up to it tonight." My own opinion as a Christian wife is that we can depend on the Lord to give us the strength and ability to be as warm and responsive as our husband desires, no matter how tired we are... ..."Most important, a wise wife will not argue. She will keep her husband peaceful and satisfied and happy by gracefully conceding to his wishes, or deferring to his opinions...A husband usually welcomes the thoughtful opinions of his wife..."(157-159, Third Ed.)

Well hoorah and kudos to JimBob for passing on this knowledge to his son. I am sure his wife will appreciate it.