Life is full of regrets. We all have them. When someone we love is dying, we regret that we haven't spent more time with them. When someone we love feels hurt, we regret how our actions may have caused that. When we lose at something, we regret not having tried harder.
Humans, by design of society, are guilt ridden creatures.
And while some regrets push us to strive harder, there are some regerts that are overlooked, because we are taught to ignore them. We are told that if we aren't giving to others, loving others, making exceptions for others, compromising with others at all times.. we are selfish.
Yet the worst regret one could possibly have is not putting themselves first.
I own this one. I am a living embodiment of giving before taking, putting other's wants before mine, thinking about how to make others happy before I think of my own happiness. If selflessness were a sin, I've created my own hell in which to atone for it.
I don't deserve a medal for it, as much as the world will tell you that being selfless is a sign of enlightenment. It's not always. Sometimes, it's a self imposed burden to carry around. It is a weight that is tied around our necks that drags us down and leaves us feeling more than unhappy with our existence.
There is a saying about first putting on your own oxygen mask in a crashing plane, because if you don't, you can't help others.
This is true. Just as true as the saying about not being able to pour from an empty vessel.
I've spent most of my life being an empty vessel. I don't want sympathy for it. I did it to myself. I have surrounded myself with vultures who peck at me until I am bone. I have allowed others to count on me when I couldn't even count on myself. I have shown strength for others and then have had meltdowns because I had no strength to deal with my own stuff.
I am, by in large, a codependent person.. my behavior has been textbook.
The problem with making other's happiness a priority is that our own needs, wants, and goals become skewed. We adjust our own selves to comply with the societal norms that tell us that this is a loving way to behave. We buy into the belief that by giving all we have, we are better people.
We are not. In fact, it makes us smaller.
Spending so much energy on the growth of others, steals our own ability to grow. It takes the marrow out of our bones and makes us brittle, small, damaged, easily broken.
The last few years for me have been a rebuilding of my own self. I have fought the constant urge to fulfill everyone's wants of me. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I am right back to the codependent creature. It is a never ending struggle of balance.
The key word in this is honesty. Honesty with yourself and everyone in your life. Do I want to do this? Do I like this? Does this help ME? Does this hurt me? Do I have enough to give right now?
And most importantly:
Am I giving this person more than I am receiving? (back to the empty vessel reference)
Love, in all it's forms, is a two way street. It's a balancing act of giving and taking. It has to be. Without that balance, one person winds up empty.
As of late, I am feeling very empty. I take responsibility for this. I have been less than honest with myself. It is a result of giving too much and getting nothing in return... and allowing it. It's time to make some changes in my own behavior again.
It is time to put on my own oxygen mask, sit back, and breathe.
Because my plane is crashing.
