A Mama's Letter To Her Daughters

Aria and Akuma,

Two of the loves of my life. I never thought that I would be blessed with one daughter, let alone two. Aria, you came into my life at a time when I was still learning how to adult. (I'm still working on that) Akuma, you came into my life when I least expected it..and with you, your beautiful baby boy. My experiences with how I came to be a mama to you may be different between you, but it matters little. You are both the women of my heart.

There will never be words to describe what it has been like watching you grow into the women you have, but I can try.

Aria, you are my free spirit. You are wind and the water. Unpredictable and given to changes like a little faerie. You float about life on the breeze. You can become a force of nature when needed and that same cool breeze that feels refreshing, can turn into a tempest that can cause the water to rise and create mountains out of waves. You, my child, were born of nature, and it is always apparent. You are my wild child.

Akuma, you are my grounded soul. You are fire and earth. When you came to live with me it took a lot of soul searching to remember the spark that was inside you. I needed only to softly blow on it to keep it from extinguishing until you took it in your own hands and turned it into the fire inside you that you carry now. You are my logical child. You're feet have found the earth and you run, free, on a trail that you are blazing all on your own.

We have been to hell and back together. There were times that our foundation of love was tested, and we only grew to love and respect each other more. You two always talk about how I am your strength, perhaps you don't see that I feel the same about you.

There is a beautiful cycle of loving, nurturing, needing, and providing between the three of us. With all things in life, our relationships phase through this cycle..each of us providing and taking in turn. Just as there have been times when you've needed me to hold your hands and remind you of the mighty women you are, you have done the same for me.

You are my laughter. You two have brought so me so much joy. We have laughed until we couldn't breath. You remind me that even when the world is harsh, there are those that make it a beautiful place to be. I live for the times that we have to share our secrets and our feelings and our desires for our lives. The bonds we share are stronger than the most perfect amalgamation of metals that have formed an unbreakable union.

You two are at a precarious point in your lives. Both twenty years old, and both very much trying to understand where they are going. I see the joy in it...but I also see the fear in it. I see you wanting more, grasping for things that will create your identity on a grand scale. I see when your plates are too full and you are wavering in your steps, precariously, attempting not to spill the 'food' that life has piled on top of it. Sometimes you stumble, but neither of you fall. You may pause, but you do not stop.

You have known heartache. You have watched relationships crumble. You have seen the mean side of the world, and you have come out on the other side to happiness. You have both faced challenges that have proven that you are creatures that will constantly evolve and be reborn into a stronger form of what you were.

Don't forget that you have also known love so deep and moments in your lives where the sun shines so brightly overhead, that shadows don't even exist. These are the moments you cling to. These are the times, that when you stop to think about, will help you remember why you have to continue to grow.

You both have a purpose. You both have worked on living in your truth. I cry tears of pride when I see you succeed in whatever facet of life is challenging you...even when it's a long battle.

I always want you to remember that I am here for you. Whether I am near or far. There is no distance I wouldn't travel to get to you. There is no time when you aren't a priority in my life.

You are my Squishy and my Lovey...and no matter how old you get, I will be your safe place, your soft shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and most of all..your Mama.

I love you.

Disrespecting My Boundaries

Several times a week, I get hit on or propositioned. Yes, I know what a lot of you are thinking... I should feel lucky to have people interested in me. Lucky. I've heard that statement before and it makes my jaw clench. Sitting from where I am, lucky is the last word I would ever use to describe how it feels to have people disrespect not only my physical and emotional space, but also disrespect my Sir by pretending he doesn't exist.

No, I am not flirtatious. What you see is what you get with me. I am honest, outgoing, friendly, and actually rather modest in terms of dress and behavior. I may be loud and funny, but I am not, in any way, ever inappropriate with men. I will give a friendly hug to those that I know. I do not and will not throw myself at the opposite sex, nor do I try to gain their attention. To be quite honest, I've gotten to the point where I always hope that I can enjoy an evening out or even at home without someone hitting on me.

And here's why...

I hate feeling like I am on display. I hate feeling like I need a bubble to live in so that I stop getting touched by hands that have no right to touch me. I hate feeling like people don't respect my relationship status and in turn do not respect my Sir. I hate feeling like I can't be my outgoing self because it might draw the attention of someone who will disrespect me. I hate hearing that someone doesn't care that I am not available when I tell them so.

I just want to enjoy my time with my loved ones and friends and man without feeling like I have to be on high alert. No I am not paranoid. It's become such an issue, that it's pissing me off. I don't want to be told I'm sexy, fine, or anything even close to that.. unless it's coming from my man.

Maybe I'm crazy for wishing that people would actually see that I am so much more than my appearance. Maybe in today's society it's too much to ask that my relationship be respected simply by not trying to place yourself between us.

I don't need the attention of others to know in myself that I am worthwhile. I just don't. That is not a validation that I am seeking from the outside world. I know this without smooth words and actions of others.

People wonder why so many women have a hard time with feeling self conscious. This is a huge reason. It is always apparent that we are being watched. Imagine how it would feel to know that when you walk across a room, eyes are on you, comments are being made, hands are reaching for you, and people are saying things to you directly about your body. I, myself, am not self conscious...but I can certainly see why many women and girls are.

I protect my relationship. Sir and I both do. We both have very strong feelings about trust and dedication. That's something we cherish in one another. I can see how frustrating it is for him to be out with me and still have someone approach me like he doesn't even exist...or that it's just harmless behavior. He's not frustrated with me, he's feeling exactly how I feel when it happens to him, disrespected.

As a musician, it is inevitable that you interact with many many people. You are in the public eye. You attend music events. We all approach each other with recognition and usually respect. On the other hand, it's not uncommon for musicians to also get a lot of unwanted attention. On some level, it goes with the territory. You are placing yourself in the spotlight. Again, where this is a problem is when people don't take 'no' for an answer, people throw themselves at you, or people act like you are purely an aesthetic creature with nothing more to you.

This is most certainly a rant and me rambling.

I just REALLY want to be respected. I want my physical boundaries to be observed without question. I want my relationship to be seen as the commitment it is, instead of a challenge to others whom would seek to pursue their own desires without thought of how it impacts another person.

I don't feel this is asking so much. If you unknowingly and respectfully approach me in a way to show interest and I say to you that I am not available, and you respect that...THANK YOU. Seriously, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. You are a dying breed. Even more special to me are the people in our lives that respect who I am internally, respect my happiness with Sir, and never cross my boundaries because we have mutual respect. Thank you to all of you as well.

I understand that much of the world wants to find that someone special to call their own. I do get it. Just remember that while you are out there looking, it is wrong to disregard another human's boundaries. It is also very wrong to attempt to destroy the foundation of a relationship that is already established between two people who love each other.

Anxiety Lies. I'm Okay and So Are You

I've had problems with anxiety and panic attacks as far back as I can remember. As a small child I feared so much, irrational and scary thoughts pervaded my thinking way more than was normal. I didn't understand it then, I just knew that I felt unsafe a lot of the time.

But I do understand it now...and it makes it no less of a beast of burden.

As humans, we all experience fight or flight at some point in our lives. A scary event happens, we feel unsafe, and our brains start sending messages to all of our major organs and bodily functions. In danger, our body responds this way to protect us. It is healthy and needed. It can preserve our lives and help us respond to danger in a way that is safe. Things like: increased respiration, increased heart rate, sweating, pupil dilation, even the emptying of our stomach, all normal and healthy responses to danger or trauma.

The fight or flight response that we experience in danger is the same thing that is triggered with anxiety. The big difference being that it is not needed. In fact, when these hormones and chemicals are released with no outlet, they trigger a whirlwind of panic. The brain's perceptions have misread a situation and instead of giving us all the energy we need to make it through something dangerous, we are now left with a slew of scary physical and mental responses, and energy that turns into agitation.

Some people have panic attacks that are brought on by irrational fears. Others have generalized anxiety, an underlying sense of anxiety that is present much of the time and doesn't always have a trigger. Either way, it is an emotional condition that can cause so much upheaval, that it disrupts one's life in tremendous ways if left untreated.

Clinical descriptions aside, anxiety lies to us and makes us believe terrible things are about to happen when they really aren't. On a personal note, I hate it.

I consider myself mostly rational and capable of dealing with life in a very healthy way. Anxiety makes me doubt that. Full blown panic attacks leave me sobbing and begging for help. The internal dialogue that runs through my mind is nothing short of terrifying. The same advice I've given to others, the same techniques I have taught others... seem impossible to cling to.

I feel like a helpless infant unable to control or care for myself.

But it's not true. I CAN care for myself. I CAN control myself. I just need to remember that and stop fueling the anxiety by believing the lies it is telling me. Sometimes just reaching out to someone I deem safe and saying, 'I'm scared, help me' is enough to bring me back to a point of being able to be more rational.

I used to be so ashamed of my anxiety that I would hide it and isolate from the world because I felt like I was weak for what I was feeling. In doing so, I actually perpetuated a cycle of more anxiety.

As with many things in life, the art of letting go is so crucial in getting through this. The more we fight it, the more we feed it. Although it seems counterproductive to not fight the scary monster, it isn't. The more we struggle, the more chemicals our adrenal glands dump into our bodies, feeding the fight or flight response.

What has proven to work for people who are experiencing anxiety is a mixture of positive self talk, calculated breathing, and focusing on something that forces you to get out of your own head.

Sounds easy, right? It isn't. I can't even begin to lie and say it is. I still struggle with this myself. I sometimes have the freak out first and then resort to these techniques...when in reality, I need to use these techniques at the first sign of anxiety.

But I'm not perfect and neither are you. It's okay. We are our own worst enemies sometimes.

So for my own sake and hopefully yours or someone you love, I am sharing a list of things to do in the event of a panic attack.

-Tell yourself calmly, "I am safe. There is no danger. My mind is playing tricks on me and I recognize that."
- Remind yourself that fighting will only make the panic attack worse and last longer.
- Use the 4,7,8 breathing technique. Inhale a breath through your nose for four seconds, hold for eight  seconds, release as a wooshing sound through your mouth for eight seconds. Repeat.
- Employ guided meditation. Youtube offers a wide variety of guided meditation tracks to listen to. Trying to meditate without someone's voice guiding you may be hard to do during panic. Simply do a search for 'guided meditation for panic' and find one that you can use often enough that it confuses your brain into an immediate state of relaxing.
-Remove yourself to a quiet area and reduce external stimulation
-Use a focus object to touch or look at to try to place your attention elsewhere.
-Have a safe person/people. Someone you can go to when you feel you need outside help. Someone that knows your specific triggers for anxiety, negative thought patterns, and knows what words or actions can help calm you down.
-Remind yourself that panic is temporary and will go away. This can be hard to believe when you are fighting it.

If you are someone who knows someone with anxiety, make it a priority to learn the steps above so that you can help them. Do not say things to pressure or demean someone. Statements like, 'just be rational and get over it' will do nothing but make a person feel worse and will result in them feeling shameful and weak for a situation that they didn't ask for.

Life can hard. We all have different 'demons' that we fight. Always try to remember that it doesn't make you less of a person. We have to learn to adapt and accept. We also need to remember that anxiety isn't a battle that is unique to us. Many experience it and share your struggle. I am always here for anyone if you just reach out to me.

Love Keeps Us Alive

There are people who crave solitude. They do best with large amounts of alone time, isolated in their own little space, alone with their thoughts, and content to live that way.

There are some of us who struggle with isolation. It is not an option we would readily choose.

The ability to be alone in your own skin is important. We will all have times where it isn't an option, and it is healthy to know how to find peace in those situations. But what about when it's imbalanced? What happens when we are so isolated, we feel cut off from the world as a whole?

Babies who are neglected and who do not have human interaction will often develop Failure To Thrive. This is telling when we look at the reality of lack of touch, attention, and love. Their weight drops, head circumference growth slows down considerably, and overall growth and development can become so delayed that it can cause death or permanent disability.

Our brains are hardwired for us to be social creatures.

There is a vast difference between chosen periods of solitude and isolation. One can feel rewarding and refreshing, while the other can leave us vulnerable to depression and the manifestation of physical/emotional degradation.

Human contact releases oxytocin. The same hormone that is released during pregnancy and causes that immediate bond between mother and child. Often dubbed the love hormone, oxytocin is also found to be elevated during times of emotional and sexual interactions with others. It can lower anxiety, boost our immune system, and improve our own emotional stability.

My daughter and I developed a hug routine when she was younger. We would stop and take time to give tight, meaningful hugs throughout the day. When I was single, I remember the actual effect of it on my overall sense of self. It grounded me, it reminded me that I was loved, it made me laugh or feel instantly happier, it made me feel back in touch with the rest of the world, and could instantly change my outlook on the day.

When we are depressed, it is sometimes a natural inclination to isolate, when in fact it is the worst choice we can make. It is at this time that we need human interaction more than any other time. This is also why so many social workers encourage family members to stay involved in the treatment of those with depression. There is a very real psychological function involved.

I struggle with feelings of isolation. When my time alone is imbalanced, I become sad and anxious. Sometimes I have the sense enough to seek out another person. Other times, I disappear in it. Not necessarily by choice, but because I am too sad or tired to reach out or say what I need. These are also the times when my self doubt is strongest, I question where I am at in life and if I am making the right choices, and I cave to the untruth that I am not loved.

We need to have empathy enough to notice this in others and to reach out to them. Not in an invasive way, but in a way that gently brings the person back to reality. We need to foster strong emotional and physical ties with our children, friends, and lovers. It is imperative to every single person alive.

If you find someone you love withdrawing...chances are they are suffering from a lack of attachment to you. Either you are neglecting the relationship by choice or outside forces stand in the way of quality time with them. Whatever the reason, we have to make the important changes necessary to nurture every human relationship or they will crumble due to lack of attachment.

Hug someone today. Sit and make time to show that you are present and invested.

We are still just newborns, seeking out comfort...and we always will be.