As a person who has been to hell and back with anxiety, I know how soul crushing and disruptive anxiety can be to our everyday lives. If you have children, teens or young adults, you may have, like me, noticed an upward trend in anxiety at a younger age. It's something that I've experienced with my daughter..and sadly, many of her friends.
I just want to take some time to hypothesize why we are seeing a surge in anxiousness in young people. This post is not meant to condemn anyone. I just think that as older adults, we easily forget that the lives you and I had are VASTLY different from the lives that our kids live in today's society. So keep an open mind, look past your own experiences, and try to visualize yourself as a young person trying to survive in our current society.
1. Politics have removed and downplayed the need for expression through creativity.
Ask any student or teacher. There is little to no room for expression through art, music, and movement.
Legislation has seen fit to remove these fundamental components of learning and expressing from our
children's schools. There are many kids for whom learning does not come easily. Taking away creative
expression has left our children with no outlet in which they feel they are confident.
2. We expect our kids to grow up too fast.
Before our kids are even capable of understanding the full weight of "the future" , we are pushing them to think about college, work, and what they want to do with their lives. I can recall a therapist telling my daughter, at the age of 13, that she had to come up with a plan for her future. As a parent, it broke my heart to see the anxiety it caused her. I reminded her that she only needed to think about today, that worrying about the future only causes more anxiety. The relief on her face was noticeable. Why, as adults, do we feel the need to pressure our children to grow up so fast?
3. We push our kids away when they aren't ready.
This has not, and will not happen in my home. This trend of taking an 18 year old straight from graduating high school and expecting them to immediately start making life changing choices, moves, and plans is too much. We spend all of their young lives teaching them to be patient and then tell them that you expect them to make drastic changes all at once. This is a contradiction that I can not understand. Imagine how you would feel if you knew you were being forced to leave your comfort, your home, your safety net...with no transition. Allow your kids time to explore life without the stresses and confines that school places on them. Let them blossom a little bit, preen their wings, glide before expecting them to fly.
4. We have become UNparents.
Technology and living in a fast paced society has made some parents lethargic about doing the most important work that they CHOSE to do. Parent. We, as a society, have become so ingrained in our own neglectful behavior when it comes to parenting or giving our youth the attention and guidance they really need. This is not a slam on working parents, not at all. This is about what we choose to do with the time we have with our kids. Are we having meaningful interactions with them? Do your kids know that they come first before your work, your computer, your friends? Essentially, we have a generation of young people who are raising themselves and parents who do not interact but REACT when something goes wrong. Instead of gently guiding in a very interactive way, we are leaving kids to their own devices and then responding to the outcome of that.
5. We don't really know our kids.
Sure, you may know your child's habits, likes and dislikes..but do you know the heart of your child? Do you know their fears, their hopes, what makes them really tick? Do you know why your child may seem sad at the dinner table? Do you know why they are smiling more today? Are you trying to place yourself in your child's shoes and understand them on a deeper level? Are you asking them to share these deep feelings with you and then negating that tremendous step by looking at your phone, working around the house during your conversation, or interjecting about your own life? Do you sit down with your child, often, and really just listen to what they are saying and what they aren't saying? If you have more than one child, do you make individual time for each of them so that they know they are as important to you as their siblings are?
6. Our kids are taught that they are inferior and should be submissive.
We need to remember that our kids are surrounded by adults. Everyday made to feel inferior because of their age. You, if you work, will typically have one or two supervisors. Children have parents, teachers, coaches, and many more people that are their "bosses". When you think about the level of stress that places on a child, you will understand why this is huge. At any moment, one mistake could cause a domino effect where several of the "bosses" in their lives come down on them all at once. I'm not asking you to teach your children to disrespect adults. I'm asking you to see if from their perspective and understand how many times in a day their anxiety must peak from trying to meet the standards of the adults in their lives. It is important to parent from a place of love and understanding. If one adult has given a consequence, make sure your child responds appropriately and then encourage them to do better. Simply heaping more and more consequences if overwhelming and leaves a child powerless.
7. We do not take our kids seriously.
Anxious? How could a child or young adult be anxious? They must not understand how "easy" they have it. Life was much harder when I was a child. They have no idea what anxiety really is. It's a catch phrase.
STOP.
First of all, stop comparing your life and hardships to your child's life. If they perceive something as a threat to their emotional wellness, listen. Listen with all your senses. Praise them for trusting their gut. Do NOT lessen their experiences by belittling them or their experiences.
Remember that your child's life experiences are limited when compared to an adults. Therefor, what they see as scary...may not be scary to you, because you've already gone through it. Simply telling them they have nothing to worry about will not ease their fears. Do what you can to help them work through it, step by step, so that you can empower them to also move past it and put it aside as a chapter in their life that they got through!
8. We've killed the child friendly environment.
When we were younger, we would ride bikes and disappear for hours at a time because it was safer to do so. We had parks everywhere. We had friends with parents who knew our parents. We had a level of freedom that is not afforded today's youth. This has happened for many reasons. Regardless of why, it is important to replicate those scenarios for our kids. If you live in an unsafe neighborhood, you need to figure out a way to get your kids outside and active. You need to involve them, not in more and more activities where there is still tons of structure and rules, but with other kids, in an environment where they can be kids. Video games, computers, and cell phones will never teach your children how to social network, how to play, how running around and being crazy and silly can reduce their stress levels. Instead of planning for more dance, theater, sports, and other structured activities.. give your child plenty of time to be free to be a kid. Be loud. Be silly. This is JUST as important as any book learning.
9. We've stopped holding our children.
At 18 years old, my daughter will still look for my physical comfort when she is sad or anxious. Our society has placed taboos on physical closeness with our kids. Breastfeeding is controversial and sexualized. Holding your child and snuggling with them past a certain age is looked at as coddling. We need to break down these social constructs and remember that physical closeness is healing. It is no different than hugging a partner or a spouse when you are sad. Just because our children are past the age of sitting on our laps, doesn't mean they don't crave your arms around them for comfort.
In all things, be gentle. Life is harsh. Our children need to know that you can be a soft place to land. Whether you are a parent, an aunt or uncle, grandparent, or mentor. If a child reaches out to you, it's a compliment and sign that they trust you. Cherish that.
