When Human Emotions Betray You

The word defensive is defined as this:

1. Used or intended to defend or protect
2. Very anxious to challenge or avoid criticism.

It is a feeling that is important on a primal level. We sense danger, our defenses take over to protect us. This is needed in very real, life threatening situations. When it is less ideal, or even dangerous to our well being, is when defensive behavior is a knee jerk reaction to others on an emotional level.

Why are some people defensive? This can be broken down into three main categories.
1. You are deeply invested in a moral or value and feel that someone is challenging that belief system.
2. Stress. Every emotion is elevated during times of stress. Defensiveness is no different. Stress causes us to
    feel as though we are on high alert.
3. You have been deeply hurt in the past and defensiveness has become an automatic response to perceived
     threats of emotional pain.

So why is this so bad?

A defensive nature stops effective communication in it's tracks. It is impossible to have a healthy dialogue when either party is approaching it in a defensive way. They have already perceived you as a threat, and therefore have effectively shut down any chance of hearing the true meaning or intent of your words. Being defensive on impulse can ruin relationships of many types.

Being on the defense robs us of our ability to have joy in the moment. When we fill our heads with negative expectations and thoughts, it steals the ability to be able to feel true happiness at any given time. The negative dialogue in our heads manifests itself in a way that puts us on edge. As you know, when you are anxious or on edge, it is hard to relax and be in the moment freely.

Probably the most invasive way defensiveness hurts us is it keeps the negative feelings of self and others on a constant loop. We can never reach the full potential of a relationship with others when we subconsciously view them as a threat. We can never feel good enough if we feel we are being judged or misunderstood in a negative way. Any chance of developing a good self worth is thwarted by the past behaviors of others that treated you in a way that made you feel inferior, dumb, worthless, or any other emotion that is the negative result of being mistreated.

How do we effectively change our thinking?

1. STOP- When you feel yourself getting offended, defensive, misunderstood... STOP yourself from
    responding and take a moment to analyze whether or not you are acting on impulse or if the person is
    truly trying to hurt you. After taking the time to think, respond appropriately.

2. Stop caring so much about how others perceive you.
    This may seem impossible, but it isn't, I assure you. Start to look at yourself as the person you want others
    to see, and they will see it. When you approach someone with a sour look, defensive body language, or
    even defensive words.. you are sending the message that you can't be reached emotionally. Few people
    want to interact with someone who responds negatively all the time or someone who has made them
    feel as though you think of them as an enemy of sorts.

3. Stop living in the past hurt and treat people who care for you in a way that is not associated with dealing
    with people who have hurt you. It is unfair to anyone in your life to automatically compare them to a
     person who caused you pain. Realize that we have all experienced hurt at the hands or words of someone
    else. This does not mean that you have to go on high alert and treat everyone in the present as a potential
    threat. Evaluate behavior and learn to see goodness.

As the quote above says, you can't move forward if you are defensive. You will stay stuck in a rut of negativity and anxiety. That is not living. That is merely existing. Existing does not foster growth. We need
to live and change to grow...and sometimes the biggest growth comes from learning how to stop the negativity that we feed within ourselves.

You are no longer a victim. You are strong. You are better than what others led you to believe.

You are whole and wonderful just as you are. The sooner you believe it, the sooner you will see that others believe it about you too.

Is Your Emotional Bank Out Of Funds?

Relationships, whether they are romantic, familial, or friendly, all require investments from two people. There is a delicate balance of depositing and withdrawing from both parties. But what happens when that becomes unbalanced and your emotional investment is no longer being reciprocated? When is it time to close down the revolving account and say, 'no more'?

Much of our behavior is dictated by gain. In nearly every situation, we need to ask ourselves what our motive is. What is making us behave in any certain way? When we do that, we usually find that we are behaving in a certain way because there is something that is to be gained by it. These gains can be things like: admiration, material objects, love, safety, friendship, time...the list goes on and on. Even if we aren't aware of our own motives, they are there. Even when giving to charity, there is a deep sense of goodness in ourselves. That is still a gain. It's not a bad thing, it's just how we work in most instances.

When you find yourself in a relationship where there is an imbalance of giving and taking, it feels wrong... and it is wrong. Relationships that are one sided will not last. It is a simple fact. Just like continuously withdrawing money from an account without replacing funds, a person who is constantly giving without reciprocation will become tapped out. Their balance will eventually hit zero or become overdrawn, and they will have nothing more to give.

Some people live in the overdrawn state for a very long time before they finally say, 'enough'. You can usually spot these relationships. One party looks happy and fulfilled, and the giving party looks tired, resigned, sad, and often angry at the situation. Sometimes, we don't see the imbalance as something we are contributing to and we become resentful of the other person.

For our own sake of well being, it is important to spot these situations and either try to mutually correct them or to close the bank and walk away with your self investment still intact.

We often hear about loving without condition. Sometimes, unconditionally loving someone is the act of letting go. Especially in situations where there is imbalance. It's the act of setting the intention that you wish to part from them before you hit a state of resentment and anger. It's knowing that sometimes, the best intentions just aren't enough to fill both of your emotional needs. It's not giving up, it's recognizing that the two of you are not able to progress further because your wants and needs are vastly different.

There are people in your life that may want to invest and just don't know how. This is one of the reasons we hear phrases like, 'men are clueless'. It saddens me when I hear one gender demean another gender in such ways. Typically, it's not about being clueless as much as it is about lack of open communication. An expectation that another person will automatically know all of our wants and needs in that relationship. Before deciding to close down your emotional bank account, it's important to ask yourself if YOU are being fair in doing so. Have you given the other person a fair chance at knowing what kind of deposits are assets to your emotional bank balance? If not, they may simply not know how.

On the other token, there are people that are like money hungry vultures. They will come into your life quickly and swoop in to take over and steal from you in every way possible. They are the people that only seek to gain and never reciprocate. Many narcissistic people fall into this category. It's the people that use the word 'me' or 'I' when it comes to communication. It is important to be aware of these people, because victimization will happen even with the best intentions on your part.

Knowing when to let go is important...in all things. There's a time to fight for something and there is a time to withdraw...even when it hurts.

If you do not keep your emotional bank account in the positive, it will take a toll on you in every way. Surround yourself with others who want to nurture you as much as you want to nurture them. Communicate your wants and needs, clearly, so that they have the fair opportunity to reciprocate. Cut ties with vultures who only seek to gain.

Most importantly, learn how to fill your own emotional bank account so that you aren't completely dependent on others to do it for you. It will make your relationships much more balanced from the beginning.

Make Love, Every Day

As Valentine's Day approaches, we become saturated with commercialized ways to show your love to someone. It is everywhere. Stores, radio, television, and the internet.. become hyper focused on one day out of the year where we are told that the BEST way to show our love is to purchase something for someone. While, gifts can be nice in a minor way, this is a critically wrong impression of how to show love.

Let me explain, if you will.

Love can not be fostered by a single event on a single day. Love is not the grand gestures of giving material items.

True love is action. It is made with our own two hands, our words, our behavior towards another.

We can not expect a relationship to grow along with us if it is not made a priority every single day. It will wither up and turn to dust. Just like a plant, it needs attention and caring for.

We live in a society where it is portrayed that love just happens. Two people meet each other and there are instant fireworks and they live happily ever after. This couldn't be more wrong. It is laborious, it is time consuming, it has to be MADE. It is not something that just occurs and then lives on because of attraction.

We have to know, in a very real way, that love entails every human emotion at one point or another. This includes the not so happy feelings, like fear and anger. To expect that it is as glamorous and easy as it is made out to be, is a joke.

And here is the important part to take away from the difficulty of maintaining a healthy love.. easy is not good. We don't grow and evolve when things are easy. It is the very hard times that can, if handled correctly, make love grow. To appreciate what we have, we must work for it. To be proud of what we have, we must work for it. To enjoy what we have....we must also have the hard times to help us appreciate the good times.

Our lives move fast. Many people have learned to live on impulse, with no thought about the long trek that is really living or loving. Impulsively, if it doesn't seem easy or feel easy from the start, we consider giving up. This is why relationships fail in many instances. Once that initial burst of flames between two people dies down, people become disinterested and seek out that fire again. This is a cycle that you can repeat all of your life.

Alternatively, you can keep love's fire going by adding fuel to it on a constant basis. It doesn't have to die out. We are like seasoned fire wood. We can choose to fuel the love we are given, at any time, and it will continue to warm us.

When talking to couples, I often explain that we have to make love, everyday. We have to use every part of our own selves to show our investment in another. We have to listen with open hearts, speak words of encouragement, take one on one time to connect..no phones, no distractions.. simply sitting with the person you love and creating a space where the two of you can breathe together.

The best gift you can give the person you love does not come covered in chocolate. It does not come pre-written from Hallmark, its not anything that can be purchased. That is the easy stuff. The best gift is your dedication to working hard, every day, to show your love, to cherish one another, to fuel the fire that started easily but threatens to go out when not fed.

Humans are not disposable. There is no gain from acting like they are so that we don't have to do the hard work of creating a real love.

Love is raw. It is every day life. It is offering to help with cleaning. It is paying attention to the subtle needs of our partner. It is touching them, not just sexually, but in a way that lets them know that you are there... in that moment... you are present. Love is understanding one another when a misunderstanding takes place. Love is forgiving and forgiving and forgiving even more. Love is ASKING for forgiveness and admitting when we are wrong or have wronged someone. Love is building each other up instead of focusing on the negatives.

Make love, every day, and it will last as long as both people want it to.

Everyone Has One

As humans, we all have opinions. It's a natural part of being your own self, with your own thoughts, and your own leanings and biases. This, in itself, is not problematic. We are all free to feel a certain way about any given topic. I do not have a problem with this on any level.

What concerns me more and more is the fact that there seems to be a trend of policing other people's opinions and the drive for many to point out how their own opinions differ. It's not a matter of, I respectfully disagree... it's the overkill involved in trying to change someone's thought process, prove how someone is wrong, or when that fails, all out nasty behavior.

Nothing has proven this more than being on social media during and after the elections. We saw the world as we know it become very divided. Do not misunderstand me. Democracy dictates, to some degree, that people are free to choose and have opinions about who is elected. I do not have a problem with this. What I do have a problem with is people allowing their own opinions to get in the way of behaving in a civil manner with others.

Social media is filled with opinion. I like the diversity...even if I don't agree. Having differing opinions gives me an opportunity to view the world through someone's eyes other than my own. Sometimes that leads to a reformation of my own thinking. Sometimes it has no effect on me at all. Other times, it causes an internal emotional response. Regardless, I welcome it. I find it intriguing and challenging.

What's becoming clear to me is that it seems I am among a small contingent of people who share this outlook. I scroll through my feed and rarely comment..yet I see verbal arguments between people on a regular basis. I see posts about 'cleaning out my friends list', and then a reason that is usually related to only keeping like minded individuals on their page. I see people giving other people unsolicited advice on things that they have no personal involvement with. I have, a couple times, done this myself in the past. I now strive to make it something I stay away from.

What is happening in our world that individuality, free thinking, and expression have become targets for attack? Why do people feel it's their duty to change a person's mind about a topic? Furthermore, why is there an obvious sense of entitlement and haughtiness in many people who behave this way?

When did everyone become and authority on everything, and when did being opinionated become a career?

What happened to the subtlety of watching human behavior and quietly deciding how we choose to conduct ourselves?

I personally don't get too riled up when someone disagrees with me. In fact, I am almost always willing to listen to why and either respond or just accept that we are all different. I feel strongly, that in effort to make sure everyone feels safe and similar, we are actually becoming a more divided society.

I don't need to be the same. I love that you are all different than me. On the other hand, I do not enjoy feeling policed and forced to see eye to eye with everyone else. I am quite content to lead my life in a way that I can uphold my own values and morals without shoving them down everyone's throat. I accept that each person comes from a different walk of life and understand that it has greatly shaped their perceptions.

Social media has become very antisocial in many ways. The world in large has become a place where if we don't agree, attempts are made to isolate one another in a way that infers that one is greater, smarter, better.. than another.

I see the irony in having a blog post that is based on my own opinion about this topic. Don't think it escapes me.

Just know that I really have nothing to gain except some catharsis by writing this. You are not required to read this, let alone agree with me.

I am just baffled and disheartened by what I see.

You Can't Move Forward When You're Living In The Past

We all have wants and desires for our future. A successful career, a happy relationship that lasts, owning a home..these are all examples of common things people strive to have.

Have you found yourself asking, "why can't I get ahead?" "Why do I feel stuck?" "Why do I keep getting the same result?" If you have, the answer is usually a simple one.

You are a slave to your past. It's impossible to move forward any measurable distance when your eyes, heart, and mind are focused on the past.

People are addicted to the past for many reasons:
Good and bad memories
Loss of a loved one
Trauma
Fear of failure
Warped sense of self image due to traumatic experiences
Past hurt
Regret

No matter what the reason may be, the end result is the same.. a feeling of being stuck. Time is ticking and you're hearing the second hand move, and it's anxiety inducing because we are all limited on time. This is a fact. We all have an expiration date. This is why, as we get older, the deep need to experience life more fully, is so pressing.

There is a saying, "If you keep doing what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got." Some would argue that this is the very definition of insanity. Hurting ourselves time and time again, expecting a different result.

Nothing good comes of bringing your past baggage to the terminal of the future. Your flight will always be grounded. You will go nowhere.

This is very obvious in relationships. If you bring your past hurts and negative internal dialogue that they caused, into a new relationship, you have damned it from the start. You can't have a healthy future when your unhealthy past, unhealthy thinking, unhealthy mental presets are what still control your behavior.

You can be cautious with your heart. You can have some worry over outcomes. But, if you have already decided that the situation your facing will fail, it will. If you have already decided you aren't good enough, others will treat you that way. If you believe that people will hurt you, you're sending the message that they aren't worth your trust or your time.

In all things, we have the power to create positive change. Big or small changes, it doesn't matter. We have the power to do that. It's yours, you were born with it. It's a matter of harnessing it and wielding the power in a way that let's you take control of your life and make it what you want it to be.

So how do you get out of your past so that you can move forward into a healthy future?

You close the door on it.

You take control and you turn your back on the things that happened that caused you to fail over and over again.

If someone has wronged you and you can't let it go, you tell them or you get that hurt out by expressing it in a letter. If you can't give them the letter or you can't say the words, you write it anyways and burn it.

If trauma has caused a negative loop of self loathing, you focus on the fact that you, YOU, were born whole. You have always been a complete person..you just believed the person that said you weren't and it became your reality.

If you have tried to succeed at something and have failed in the past, reassess and try a different route until you succeed. You Will succeed at some point if you problem solve and keep trying.

If you've lost someone and can't let go of the memories that keep you chained in sadness, you tell yourself that you are also choosing to die if you don't work through the grief until you come out on the other side of it.

I won't say any of these things are easy. It will hurt. You will be scared. You will feel raw and exposed. But what do you have to lose? Nothing. Staying stuck in the past has already robbed you of precious time and success in many facets of your life.

You are at ground zero. You can either stay there or you can begin to build an empire. 

Narcissism: It's More Than Just Vanity

Self love is good, right?

Yes it is. It absolutely is. Self worth and esteem are very important factors that dictate, in many ways, how we interact with the rest of the world. A positive self image can do wonders to push us towards being happy and successful people.

For the sake of clarification, I am not referring to a positive self image in this entry. 

The word narcissist gets thrown around a lot. Unfortunately, most people don't understand the real meaning behind it. Just like the overuse of saying 'OCD', when we use real mental health diagnoses as cute little catch phrases, people become numb to the reality of what they really are and how harmful they can be to those that suffer from these disorders and those that interact with someone with mental health issues. 

Narcissism is more than meets the eye. It's more than even being stuck on yourself. It is a personality disorder. A very real, very pervasive disorder.

Many people don't even know when they are in a relationship with someone who has this disorder, which, in itself, is dangerous. A relationship of this type is hugely dysfunctional and often abusive. A narcissist who's ego is not stroked just right becomes angry and volatile. They lack empathy/concern for others. When you combine a volatile temper with lack of empathy, the result can be catastrophic to another person. It can lead to verbal, physical, and emotional abuse. It creates a cycle of codependency. It diminishes the person that is stuck in a narcissist's web to the point of losing their own sense of self. 

Narcissists often come off as being extremely witty and charming. They know exactly how to behave in front of others, when it suits their wants. They like to be the center of attention and are good at holding an audience's attention. They often make up stories of success to appear more favorable to others. A key word to remember is exaggeration. Their heightened sense of their own greatness is exaggerated in every way. They are the best at this and that, they helped so and so, they claim responsibility for another's success. You name it, they will tell you they can and probably have succeeded at it.

Although a narcissist is pretty capable of feeding their own ego, that is not enough. Mental health workers often use the term 'narcissistic fueling' to define the very distinct behavior that a narcissist requires in a relationship. This can look as harmless as needing to hear that they are better than others, smarter than others, that no one can live up to their level of importance in your life... the list of how to fuel a narcissistic fire is long and involved but it's not the action of fueling the fire that is the most dangerous. It is the inaction or refusal to fuel their fire that ends in them behaving in ways that will ultimately hurt another person.

You don't feed their ego, you pay for it...and you pay dearly.

Common retaliatory behavior of a narcissist may be things like:

The silent treatment

Belittling

Cheating

Hurting people that you love in order to hurt you

Physical aggression

Threats of abandonment

Reminders of your own mistakes or weaknesses

Essentially, if you refuse to fuel a narcissist's fire, the goal of the narcissist will be to make you feel like or appear to others to be the lowest common denominator, worthless, wrong, weak, and stupid. 

Narcissists use a technique called gaslighting, quite frequently. This is when they behave in a way to make you question your own self assurance, memory, and motive. Many people submit during an argument with them because it becomes so overwhelming and confusing that they simply feel like they are losing their grip on what is sane and real. Submission is exactly what they want and it is another way to fuel their fire when they aren't getting the results they want from you. 

The reason I feel it important to educate others on this personality disorder is to raise awareness. Abuse from a narcissistic person does not always resemble what many perceive as typical abuse, but it is, none the less. It is through knowledge that we can be empowered. Even if you are not in a relationship with a narcissist, this knowledge may allow you to help a loved one who is. 

Personality disorders in large are very hard to treat and have low success rates. No, this does not mean things are hopeless in every instance. I am pointing that out so that you understand how dangerous and real this is and also to remind you that if you know someone who has this disorder,

YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME AND YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR FIXING IT. 

Self preservation is key here. Please know that you need to put yourself first.

Held Hostage By Your Past

We all have a history. That is a fact that none of us can change, nor should you want to. Our past experiences shape who we are today in many ways. This is growth, and evolution is essential to our own emotional and mental development.

Many times, people get stuck in their past. This does not always represent itself in ways you may imagine. It's not always things like missing a person from your past or ruminating over a choice that you made and regret.

The past can influence your current behavior in ways that many people are not aware of. We believe that to avoid a repeat of a painful experience, we must be diligent in keeping the pain in the forefront of our minds. This behavior essentially puts a roadblock up and stops you from progressing forward, out of the pain.This causes failed relationships, procrastinating behavior, self loathing, and a host of other problems that plague the person who is holding onto painful experiences.

When you enter into a relationship, whether it be romantic or not, with preconceived notions or expectations for pain... you will have pain. There is a philosophy that children live up to what is believed about them. For example, if you believe your child is a naughty brat and you treat them as such, they will constantly behave that way. Adults are no different. If you enter into a relationship believing that you will be hurt, you have already set the intention that no matter how the other person behaves, they will fail. You have, from the onset, decided to enter into a relationship with the idea that trust is already broken. It also keeps us from seeing a person in their true form because you have layered them in the clothes of your past, hiding who they are and making them who you perceive they will be.

You can not expect a healthy result when you enter into a situation with unhealthy baggage from your past.

Perhaps, someone in your past caused a belief that you are not of worth, that you are a failure, that you will never reach your full potential. Whatever negativity your past held, it formed a thought process that repeats on a loop until you stop it.

That's right, YOU and only you can stop it. Until you decide that you are the master of your own thinking, body, and choices... you will repeatedly succumb to the negative thoughts that were ingrained in you from the past.

A good example of this is how people handle anxiety. During a panic, we instinctively reach for the nearest thing that will cause it to subside. What we really need to do is wade through it and push forward through the discomfort until we come out on the other side. And we will. In fact, the more we force ourselves to stop avoiding negative feelings, the more we retrain our own brains into understanding that there is no danger, there is no threat, that the discomfort is just that...discomfort, and it will pass.

When a negative internal voice tells you that you won't succeed, you must continue on through the doubt and prove to yourself that you CAN succeed. You can succeed in all aspects of life.

This does not mean that there will not be times when relationships fail, jobs fall through, trust is broken. These are things that happen in life. But, having the mindset that it's just a hard moment and that you can move forward, steals the power of the negative event, and puts you back in control.

So I challenge you. I challenge you to really take a good hard look at the loop of negativity that is occurring in your mind as you read this...and I ask you to find any truth in it at all.

The past is not your truth. The NOW is your truth, and you are in control of this moment.