I'm a Big Girl Now

Shhhhh...I don't want to say this too loud..but...

I'm sleeping through the night!!

You heard that correctly, for two weeks straight. I don't know what happened to change the sleeping pattern suddenly. After four years of trying everything I could to get on a normal schedule, I really thought I was a vampire.

It's not all sunshine and lollipops like I was expecting it to be. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to be sleeping. It's just that...there are some things that I need to get used to.

1. Feeling tired at nine pm. When I say tired, I don't mean an occasional yawn and rubbing of the eyes. I mean, I start feeling like a grumpy toddler at nap time. I can't stop thinking about climbing into my warm bed and letting sleep take over.

2. The days are long. Seriously! Being thrust back into the land of the living has been difficult! The first week I spent checking the clock because I was sure that time was standing still. I found myself saying things like, "what do people do for so many hours in one stretch?" "I just cleaned and vacuumed and only one hour passed! Now what?!"

3. I have more time to curse the weather. I'm up, I want to enjoy my day among the living..yet I can't go outside. Three pairs of socks and boots still isn't enough to keep my ankle from feeling like there is an angry person swinging a sledgehammer at it.. so I'm essentially a prisoner in my home until it gets warmer.

4. I have more wardrobe changes. Pajamas used to be my outfit of choice because I had no one to impress as my family was sleeping while I was awake. I put jeans on the other day and felt completely trapped. Simply put, clothes aren't comfortable. I just need to fess up and realize that I was born in the wrong generation. I need to travel back in time to be with the people who wore loin cloths and let there boobs be free.

5. A house looks less clean in the daylight. This one has been driving me mad. I spent over an hour vacuuming crevices and getting rid of cobwebs one day. It's amazing what daylight does to show you the real state of your house. Why does cat hair all congregate in the hardest to clean spots on a carpet? Why does no one else ever think to scrub under the fridge?? How the hell does our house get so dusty in three day's time?!

6. What do I do now? I can only do so much moving around before the pain starts getting to be too much, so I find myself getting frustrated and wondering what to do next. So far, the answer has been a lot of video gaming. For those of you who care, I am now a master enchanter, alchemist, and smithy. I've also defeated at least 50 dragons....can I put this on a resume?

7. I'm realizing just how much of a water issue we have. It feels like there is always someone who is showering or bathing. Twice now, I've gone to take a bath and there has been little hot water. I'm considering a schedule for everyone. Is this ridiculous? One full bath is just NOT cutting it for the six of us. Hopefully summer comes quickly, because I think I may just start showering with the hose in the back yard.

8. I wasn't young and hip like I thought I was. Let's face it, now that I'm sleeping normally..I don't have any desire to stay up and chat all night long. In fact, if I have company over..at about 8 pm I start wondering how late they plan on staying.

9. I still hate bras. There, I said it. Don't think for one moment that I haven't considered sabotaging my sleep schedule just to never have to wear one again. I still hate messing with my hair. When you are a nocturnal person..no one ever expects you to look presentable.

10. My family loves having me back. And this is what makes me continue to try to maintain the current path. I'm treating sleep like it's a top priority..because simply put, my kids and husband have missed me.

I'm new to this, be gentle with me. My eyes are still adjusting to the light and I am a little lost. Good news, the rest of you are no longer at risk of me needing to drink blood to stay alive!

Playing Detective

There are certain phrases circulating in my home that I can count on hearing when something gets broken, misplaced, used incorrectly..or when a chore is incomplete or doesn't get done at all...

"I don't know how that happened."
"I thought I......(insert anything)"
"It wasn't like that when I used it the last time."
"I told (insert another family member's name) not to do that!"
"I completely forgot."
"It wasn't my turn."
"The kids did it." (Thanks adults in the house for joining the ranks of the I didn't do it-ers.)
"I asked him/her to do it for me."
"I told the kids to pick that up..." (Thanks again adults)

Lest we forget the ultimate non responsive blank stare, head tilt, raised eyebrows, and "hmmm" answer.

I would love to say that this doesn't happen on a daily basis, but that would be lying. It never fails that something comes up that leaves me shaking my head and thinking, "what the ever loving #$@#"?

Some mysterious things happen in my house. Since I don't believe in gremlins, I am left to believe that SOMEONE in my house is doing this stuff. Yet, I never really get a direct answer of who it is. So I have to play detective and deduce using strange clues.

It becomes an obsession at times. For a month straight, I kept trying to catch someone in the act of leaving the cabinet doors open. Come to find out, it was two family members doing it. Now I just walk around closing them and yelling both of their names while saying, "when I finally snap and go insane..you will feel bad!!"

Yesterday, I decided to vacuum all the little corners and edges of the house that get ignored because it means using the attachment and bending over. Vacuuming is one of the chores that my son and daughter are responsible for. (I feel I must add that we only have one room with carpet, apart from eight steps and a landing) So I dig the vacuum out and turn it on....and vacuum the SAME square foot for a full three minutes before realizing that the thing wasn't working. After cleaning the brushes..I realized the belt was broke. So while Kendrick was off buying a belt, I started taking the canister apart.. in it was enough cat and human hair to knit a football field sized blanket, a mini candybar (intact and in the wrapper), several dryer sheets, random pieces of tissue, and........an entire lipstick tube.

A.lipstick.tube. Apart from being baffled how these things even made it to the canister..I found myself getting more and more irritated. Who looks at these things and thinks, "it'll suck it up..."?!? Secondly, are my children broken at the waist?! Surely that has to be it because otherwise they would bend over and pick that stuff up. Right? RIGHT?!

Brandon gave me the head tilt and pinched eyebrows, Aria asked, "how did that happen?"

I don't remember anything after that because smoke started pouring out of my ears and the top of my head just blew right off.

These are the true moments that make moms, wives, and girlfriends rally together. This is why some people have a glass of wine every night. This is why women are sometimes distrustful. And this is why women tend to follow people around and pick up after them. You can spot them at parties, they are the ones walking around, mindlessly picking everything up while the kids and men play. Probably perhaps because we know we are the ONLY ones who will fess up to not doing it.

Family Meetings..Yes, We Are THAT Family

Schedules, school, homework, technology, and any number of things can make finding quality time as a family really difficult. It is important to plan a time to sit and talk as a family. One way to do this is to have regular family meetings.

We use these meetings for many reasons. To talk about feelings. Address changes in the household or family structure. Delegate and discuss responsibilities in the home. The list of WHY we have them can go on and on.

Here are some guidelines for a healthy and productive family meeting.
1. Address the group in a democratic way. Empower each person to make choices concerning themselves and the family as a whole. This is not a time for pointing fingers and playing the blame game.
2. Teach the use of "I" statements. This is a good tool for many reasons, and one that your kids will take with them into the world and make them better communicators.
3. Have an agenda and LOOSELY follow it. Ask the other family members to consider things that they would like to talk about beforehand. Don't be strict with the agenda. You may find that you only get one item resolved..or that one thing needs a lot more attention than you had assumed.
4. No cell phones, TV, or other distractions.
5. Each person has the right to be heard, but must wait to speak without interrupting one another.
6. No one is too old or too young to take part. If you live here..you are part of the family.
7. Do not disregard other's emotions. Even if they upset you. Hear them out and respond accordingly, with respect.
8. Plan meetings that have no agenda at all and use that time to praise one another. We call this the "compliment game".
9. Give teenagers and children (and yourself) time to think out responses and the flexibility to change them if needed. Sometimes it's hard for people to not speak on impulse.
10. No yelling, swearing, singling people out in a harsh way.
11. End on a positive note. Sometimes family meetings can get emotional..it is important to have closure to feelings. Sometimes, we end a meeting with the compliment game and it brings everyone back around.
12. Have a designated space to hold meetings. We use our living room, but have been known to drop everything at any given moment and meet wherever we can.

Sometimes, the younger people in the house get stuck in feeling that they are merely "residents" in a home. Family meetings are a great way to show them that they are an integral part of the family structure. It cuts down on the nagging and whining because everyone understands that there is a positive way to voice concerns and feelings. Remind your children that they can call a family meeting at any time (as long as everyone is home). Reinforce this by having a standing rule that if someone calls a meeting, that we all drop what we are doing and meet in the designated area.

Remember that children are children. Their attention span is not as great as ours. Make necessary changes
to accommodate that. Perhaps fixing a special snack to have while talking will help them stay more focused. Find ways to be creative and make it a positive experience rather than one that feels punitive. The goal is to encourage the family to feel safe and relaxed.

The Compliment Game:
Each of the family members sits in a circle. Starting clockwise, each person says something positive or nice about the person on their left. Then switch to counter clockwise. Then skip every other person.. until everyone has given everyone else a compliment.
It can't be underhanded.
It must be sincere.
Try to stay away from physical compliments..."I like the way you take the time to help me with my work." rather than "I like your shirt."

A quote from my very quiet 19 year old son at our last meeting, "You can't be a healthy part of a family unless you love yourself and know what you need. If you can't take care of you, you can't help your family."

Did I mention, have tissues at the ready?

Semantics

My husband is the king of playing mind games with himself. He's one of those people that can eat on a smaller plate and pretend it means there is more food. Not look at his clock so that when he wakes up, he can convince himself he had eight hours of sleep instead of the actual one hour. I.. am not. I'm too literal for that kind of nonsense.

Me: This growing the hair out business is ridiculous. I look like a cross between a ninety year old grandma with a perm and Bozo the clown.
Him: It looks adorable!
Me: Adorable for a ninety year old!
Him: So dye it....
Me: I wasn't even talking about the color.....what made you say that?
Him: I'm just saying, maybe you would like it more if you got rid of the gray.
Me: So you are telling me I should dye my hair because it's gray?
Him: Just sayin...maybe you would feel better about it.
Me: I see, you want me to dye my hair...so "I" feel better about it. Apparently it's a thing for you.
Him: I didn't say that! I just don't want people to think you are older than you are...
Me: So you are saying I look older because of the gray?
Him: Nooooo... but other people might think that.....
Me: So.. you think that.
(You see here, the mind game in action. Fortunately, I've caught him in the act.)
Him: You are so youthful looking. I would hate for people to think you are older.
Him: I think you look beautiful with or without the gray.
Him: Seriously... I think you look young.
Me:......for someone with gray hair, that is....
Him: Will you stop?! No one said you look old.
Me: Pretty sure you just did...and covered it up to make the blow sting a little less.
Him: Oh, good grief! Dye it or don't... I love it no matter what.
Me: So you will love me despite the fact that I look old because of my gray hair? That's nice of you.
Him: I didn't say you look old!!!
Me: You're right. You didn't come right out and say it..you implied it. Same difference. I'm on to you.
Him: (shaking his head) This is going on the blog...I know it is.
Me: You got it.

Yesterday, I dyed my hair. I wouldn't want you all to think that I look older than I am. It might make Kendrick feel bad.

Aria

She hid herself away from the world
Feeling too weak to go on
What she didn't realize
Was that she had wings so strong
A heart so mighty
Vision so clear

Until the night she went to the river
And drowned her demons, below it
And cast her blood to the waves

She was reborn at that moment

In one mighty rush
Her wings spread around her
Lifting her up

And she was free

Her heart lit up
With a blaze so fierce
It melted the chains that bound it

And she loved herself

Her eyes were opened
The light from them, pure
Showing her a path to her future

And she reached for it..
Grasping it..
Embracing it..

For it was hers.
Her legacy

Nevermore to be shadowed in blood.

But ripe
For the loving
And the seeing
And the living

1/20/14
Terralyn

You Are Not Broken

Sometimes we just need to hear that.

From my own experience, depression can be described as a dark hole with no ladder. You can be surrounded by people who love you and still feel utterly alone. You sometimes get glimmers of light..and a foothold, and then you slide back into the darkness. The tears come without reason and can't be stopped. You fear you will lose your mind, that sadness will swallow you up and take your ability to function as a human.

It's common to hear people say they are depressed. And for people who really do struggle with it, it's off putting. Depression doesn't occur from having a bad day. It just is. It's something that even in good moments, is sitting right beneath the surface..waiting to rear it's ugly head. Some people experience it in waves. For others, it is a full time existence of wishing they would die. And some do, sadly.

Being a shelter of sorts, we often have people who come to our home, feeling that they are at the end of their ability to cope and go on. It's heart wrenching to see a person like this. You want to reach inside them and wrap their heart in your love. You want to give them your eyes and thoughts so that they can see the possibilities and beauty in themselves.

But we can't.

All we can offer is unconditional love and support. Arms to hold them, food and water to nurture their body, a soft nest to lay in, and open minds and hearts to hear what they are saying. And we pray that it is enough to help them through it.

I have learned some things over the years about helping someone who is battling depression. I write these things in hopes that if you are faced with the same situation, that it will help you know how to handle it.

Do not expect a clear answer from asking them what is wrong. Sometimes everything FEELS wrong but you can't put your finger on any one thing.
Do not tell them to be strong. Rather, tell them it's OK to feel weak and weary, right now.
Do not remind them of all the good things in their life. This is just serving to disregard how they are feeling at the moment. If they could be joyful and positive..they wouldn't be depressed.
Do not say that they are choosing to be sad. One does not choose to be so sad that they want their life to end. Depression is not a choice.
Remind them that their sense of self and personal power are not gone, that it is clouded and hidden in the fog of emotions. They do possess it, they just can't reach it right now.
Listen to everything they say with an open heart. Only speak when they are able to hear. Speak comfort, love, and words that show your intent of caring.
Know that you may not understand where they are coming from, but that it doesn't make their struggle less real.
Help them care for themselves. Simple things like bathing and eating can be a difficult task. It's almost like taking care of a baby bird who has lost it's mother. You must be that person's care taker until they are strong enough to fly.
Make sure you have a safe person to share your own feelings with. Caring for someone who is depressed is hard. It can be exhausting. It is important that you also take care of yourself so that you can continue to be a source of strength for the person who needs you.
Don't invest your time, gain a person's trust..then walk away when it gets hard. Unconditional love does not leave when things are hard. People who are depressed often find themselves surrounded by people with good intentions who end up walking away from them...which only worsens their feelings. They feel like they are a burden on others and will sink back into themselves to avoid bothering people.
Admit when you are faced with things that are out of your comfort zone. It is important to have resources available to offer a person. The more support they have, they better off they are and the better their chances of getting through it.
Honor their trust in you and don't take it lightly.

If you know someone who is battling depression, please do not ignore it. It takes one second for a person to give up. You may be that one person who can  be a light for them.

My Food is Better Than Yours

When did it become acceptable to shun others because their diet isn't the same as yours? How does what you eat, make you elite?

A direct quote from something I read today, "Vegans are sexier!"

Just let that sink in for a moment....

My mind tried to process this, and then it broke. My mind, that is. It broke. As I tried fitting the pieces back together, I realized that we have found new ways to segregate others in ways that would appear innocuous. When in reality, it is still segregation..and that's never a good thing. 

I've seen all manner of great quotes from this person. "Vegans want world peace" "Vegans are more connected to the Earth" "People who eat meat have no respect for nature and animals"

Your vegan statements make me want to tell you that your "vegan lifestyle" has become an obsession comparable to the obsessions a stalker feels for their prey. You are trying to convince more people to follow your diet, than Jim Jones convinced to drink the kool-aid. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't care what anyone's diet is. I love free choice. We are all free to choose what we put in our bodies. That ability to choose does NOT make you any better than me..and likewise. At the end of the day, we are both still humans. 

I'm better than you because I own footy pajamas.

I'm better than you because I can type 75 words a minute.

I love the Earth more because I go camping.

I don't watch TV, which clearly makes me more intelligent than the rest of the world. 

Sound ridiculous? Yes! Because it is. It's ridiculous to think that something like footy pajamas could be seen as making me better. 

Thankfully, my husband still sees me as sexy even though I eat meat. He wasn't really impressed with the bacon lingerie that I wore to bed...but he was willing to look past it and see the internal sexiness I possess. (forgive me for being a little snarky)

Step down off your tofu ledge and stop thinking you are better than the rest of us. Join the rest of the free thinking world and appreciate diversity. It will be OK. No animals will be harmed in the process of learning to be humble. 

So Happy Together

I've seen so many articles about how to keep a relationship happy and healthy. While I find that most of what I've read is true..I'm aware that Kendrick and I are a bit different. Here are some common suggestions and a comparison of how we chalk up to them.

(Just a word, I will be writing this in a way that reflects my relationship...which is a man and a woman. If you are not in this type of relationship, just change the pronouns around to suit you.)

Recommendation:  Don't try to change each other.
Us: Brutal honesty. It's ok to tell each other things that you don't like. One of the best ways to become bitter and breed resentment is to not be honest when you are annoyed and angry. When we were first together, our styles of arguing were vastly different. He was prone to yell and I was apt to bottle emotions. We both needed to change.
Should you get married expecting big differences to change or get better..no. But it's totally OK to tell each other that the other's behavior is annoying, frustrating, angering, saddening..etc. Just remember to check your own motives and behavior, first.

Recommendation: Frame demands as favors.
Us: What is this?? Sugar coating words does not change their intention. If we can't tell each other what we want or need...then we shouldn't be in a relationship. This is a lie that perpetuates manipulation. Ask most men, they will tell you that they would rather have you make a list of things that you want to get done, they don't want you to constantly tip toe around them hoping it if you are sweet enough, he will catch on. Also, men tend to prioritize things by their importance. If you say, " I would love it if you could help me fold the laundry sometime", you are not sending the message that laundry is dull and boring, and you don't want to stand there alone folding everyone else's clothes. It's ok to say, "I hate folding laundry, it makes me irritated..please help me do it so it can get done faster. It's important to me." Neither of you may enjoy doing it, but you will be sharing the annoyance and you will be much less likely to take it out on one another.

Recommendation: Vocalize your appreciation
Us: Yes! Also things like: you look hot in that outfit, I appreciate the awesome sex, your sense of humor is hilarious. Don't forget to appreciate things that aren't your run of the mill appreciations. "I love that you just sat there with the kids and listened to them ramble on." "It made me happy to see you remembered to clean the sink out after shaving." Everyday, little, real life things. After all..life is made up of small moments. Don't just express appreciation for the doing..express appreciation for being who they are. The good and the ugly.

Recommendation: Focus on the positive
Us: We try to focus on the positive as much as possible. We are also realists who know that if their is a problem, it's not going to go away by being Pollyanna. Address that stuff too. Sometimes it's important to focus on the not so pretty things that happen in relationships so that you can either fix them or understand them.

Recommendation: Take trips down memory lane
Us: Of course it's always sweet to remember our history. You know what's even sweeter? The couple we have become and are today! Constantly living in the past means missing out on the moment. Also, stop bringing up past problems. Holding a fight over a partner's head is selfish. If you can't move on from a bad incident..then move on from your relationship.

Recommendation: Never side with the enemy
Us: It's important to be understanding and empathetic. It's also important to call each other out on things if we are wrong. Whether it be in personal or professional relationships..don't just blindly agree with your partner for the sake of it. We need to be told if we are wrong. Some of my best learning experiences have been because a person pointed out that I was wrong.

Recommendation: Don't get too comfortable
Us: Life does enough to shake a couple's relationship without them even trying. Revel in the comfort of each other. Laugh at the fact that you can pass gas in front of each other, wake up with bad hair and morning breath. Don't create unrealistic and unachievable goals of perfection for yourself or your partner. Take the time, when you have it and want to to do something special to get their attention.. but learning to enjoy the simple things is much more important.

Recommendation: Keep the date night alive.
Us: We don't thrive on date nights and trips together. We would much rather sit next to each other and play a game at home, read to each other, lay in bed and talk, and all the other simple little things that a couple can do to connect. If you enjoy date nights, then do it. Just know, that if you can't find happiness in your own environment..you may run into a problem when you are faced with a money or time shortage.

Our number one tip for making a relationship last?
Laugh... a lot. Laugh at each other and ourselves. Admit when we are acting like fools and laugh at that. Realize that we have put on some weight and losing hair..and laugh. Laugh at the fact that you just bickered over who didn't clean up the cat puke. Life is made up of moments that are hilarious..if you take the time to look.

In short, you don't need a list of to do's to remember. Be human, be real, and laugh. Society places enough expectations on people to live up to standards that are ridiculous..don't make your relationship one of those things. Enjoy the wonderful goodness of it..for what it is. Not what society tells you it should look like.

Disowning Your Own Cat

I overheard Kendrick call Totoro, "the gray cat", tonight. This is the conversation that followed...

Me: Why are you calling him the gray cat?
Him: Because I've decided that since he wont acknowledge me, that I'm not acknowledging him.
Me: That's mean! Use his name!
Him: What's mean is that he was MY birthday cat and the only person he loves is Brandon.
Me: That's not true, he just doesn't like to be held by anyone except Brandon.
Him: Exactly...the gray cat is a traitor.
Me: His name. is. Totoro.
Him: He let's Brandon do anything to him! If I try to pick him up he acts offended! Tocho gets me. He's my boy. (pets our other cat lovingly) You get me, don't you, Tocho? (stares at Totoro with spite)
Me: Stop glaring at Totoro! Maybe he just doesn't want you to hold him because you are always holding Tocho....
Him: He doesn't want me to hold him because he has stockholm syndrome...Brandon has turned him into a traitor.
Me: Stop glaring at him!!
Him: I'm going to put a picture of my face in his food bowl so he figures out where his loyalty should be....
Me: You are seriously messed up.
Him: Getting a traitor cat for your birthday is the messed up thing here. Don't act like it isn't true.

Our House is a Clown Car

Four years ago (or so...I've lost track of time and reality) we moved into our home. Boasting three bedrooms, one and a half baths, living room, dining room, kitchen, a green room, and large basement..it felt like a castle. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that it was ever so spacious and roomy. Aria had her own room, we had our own room, and I even had a makeup room. The green room was a nursery because I was babysitting two little ones. It was neat, organized, and more than we needed.

Now our house is slowly turning into the famous Winchester house. Rooms keep getting added on in order to make space for our constantly changing and growing family. It's like a clown car. It looks small and unassuming..yet, at any given moment..a herd of people could come out of it.

As time went on and more people came in and out of our lives and home, we have learned the art of rearranging areas to make more room. My makeup room was sight to behold. Painted in a deep hot pink with white and black accents. It even had a guest bed for company. It was so cheerful and dramatic to walk into. Posh. It was posh. Well, as posh as I could ever be.It was also the first room to go. It was OK, I was not heart broken..more or less I saw it as a necessity and made the changes. It became our bedroom. The color scheme now seems overkill. Waking up to hot pink is not as pleasing. We keep saying we are going to change it, but the truth is...we never get around to it,

Mainly because...we are always rearranging the rest of the house to make more space.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have a shortage of doors? I can tell you this. You start eyeing rummage sales for them. Doors are not cheap! Further more, it seems that no one ever parts with them. I'm beginning to believe that they are endangered due to the demand on them. At this very moment, I am pondering how to turn a front door with window panels..into a bedroom door that will be private enough for the person who will be staying in it. Let's disregard the fact that the day was already spent sanding, planing, and rehanging the thing in a doorway that was not meant for it.

My husband either has the patience of a saint, or he is doing drugs and hiding them from me.

In the short amount of time we have been here he has:
painted and repainted enough to go through 30 gallons of paint
refurbished a house full of furniture to save us money
Torn down and rearranged rooms and everything in them no less than 20 times.
Chiseled, sawed, sanded, and built doorways
Erected dividers
Hung curtain rods hundreds of times (kids are infamous for breaking them)
Changed lighting
Installed air conditioners
Built a kitchen island because of space shortage

This is just a short list. I could go on and on. The man just takes it in stride every time a change needs to be made. He has created a house that would confuse architects. It's nothing short of miraculous.

I don't know how he does it. I just know that I am so lucky to have found a partner who is loving and caring enough to do everything he can to make our home comfortable enough to also be a home for others who need it.

Maybe someday a bunch of money will land in our lap, and we can buy a large house that would be better suited to do what we do. Until then, he's done his best to make our house a home..and when I see the imperfections and little flaws, I think.. my husband did this with his own two hands and ingenuity...and with love in his heart. With that in mind, the flaws disappear into the woodwork.

Hello younger me..I have a few things things to tell you

Let's face it..as we get older we realize that some of the choices we made when we were younger were a bit......flawed. Not well thought out. Impulsive. Sometimes just downright ridiculous.

Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't change the bad and the good that has made up my life, for it has made me who I am. But, there are some things that I would love to have known as a younger person.

Here's my top ten:

1. About 90% of of the fashion choices you made were terrible. Granted, you were pretty poor..but you always found a way to buy Aquanet extra super hold hairspray and turn your bangs into a satellite dish. You probably should have spent that money on something that wasn't going to potentially give you miner's lungs.

2. You will NOT appreciate that Tigger tattoo that you got on impulse. The same with almost all of the other tattoos you got. Tigger? Use your brain, Terralyn. By the time you are thirty you will look at it and wonder at what point you became possessed and made that choice. Heed my advice, seek out a young priest and an old priest.

3. You are not a sexually deviant person for thinking about kissing girls. You are bisexual, it's OK! You first had this thought at 7 years old..go with it. Life is too short to not love. Also, contrary to the beliefs you were raised with...you aren't going to burn in hell for it. So stop praying for salvation every time you look at another woman and think, "I just want to kiss her face."

4.Think about your future body a little bit before sledding down hills that end in concrete. Your brain is important. Stop riding your bicycle like you are Mario Andretti.. although you thought you undid the damage by spending days of your life picking stones out of your knee caps, that's going to come back to haunt you. By the way, you never got all of the stones out.

5. Stop falling for gay guys. I know they are some of the most awesome people to hang out with..but believe me when I tell you.. they do NOT want to kiss you. So just enjoy the friendship and stop hoping they will fall for you. P.S. they like other guys... you don't fit the bill no matter how much you try to.

6. Perfume that costs a dollar is not a going to make you smell good. It gives you a rash and it makes other people think that you broke into your grandmother's stash of Avon perfume that had been in those cool bottles for no less than 30 years. Just put on your deodorant and shower.. again, miner's lungs.

7. Don't trust that uncle who told you he could teach you how to ride a bike. He's going to give you a good push and then laugh hysterically as you slide down the gravel hill like you are a stick of butter on a hot plate. Find someone a little less sadistic.

8. World War 3 is not going to happen in your childhood years. Stop looking at every airplane like it's going to drop a bomb on your home. This is anxiety...perhaps you should be talking to someone about getting that under control now. Later in life it will make you borderline crazy at times.

9. Your brother is a jerk. While you are sitting there feeling guilty about not being a better sister, he's planning the next way to give you stitches. Stop feeling guilty, he's never going to outgrow it. In the span of your childhood, he will send you to the emergency room more times than you can count. Also, he will blame you for everything. You will be spanked a million times for something he did. Just walk away....actually..back away slowly. If you turn your back, you may get another shovel to the head.

10. Roller skates are not for indoors in front a huge picture window. You will go through that window and fall 7 feet onto a stone driveway. Trust me on this...it seems fun right now, but you won't think that when you break a tooth and look like Edward Scissorhands from the many cuts on your face. Maybe skate outside instead?

Marrying the family

I will never forget the first time I sat down to have a meal with the entire Gauthier family. It was loud. There were a million different conversations going at once. There was more laughter in one room than can be found at a comedy show. Also, the room was shaking..because nearly every one of them bounces their knee.

At first, I was overwhelmed. I hadn't been part of a large family since my childhood...and that was nothing like what I was experiencing. The sheer volume of the group was over stimulating. I didn't know who's conversation to pay attention to. I felt like a silent spectator at a movie.

A wonderful, loving movie.

Long before I married Kendrick, I knew that I wanted to marry his family at the same time. In the time before we got married I had come to love this family like they had always been mine and they treated me like I had always been theirs.

Don't get me wrong. Our family is no different than any other family. We are quirky and not without faults. But, the fact is.. I wouldn't change any of it. I have created more memorable moments in the years I have known them, than I had in the whole of my life before them.

I not only gained a mother and father, but a sister and brothers. Family that didn't act like I was an outsider..they celebrated me! They've cried with me, laughed with me, held me, and taught me that unconditional love is a very real thing. More so, they taught me that I was deserving of it.

Mom: Thank you for always listening and giving advice in your gentle, knowing way. Thank you for never expecting me to treat Kendrick any other way than how I treat him. And thanks for raising him (and all your children) in a way that has made him so caring and thoughtful.

Dad: Thank you for always putting your family first and teaching us that in all things, we have each other. Thanks for teaching me how to act like a kid again, that it's ok to be silly and ridiculous.

Katherine: You and I were meant to be sisters. Sometimes I feel as though I have known you all of my life. You were the sister born of my heart. Thank you for giving me that. Thank you for giving me my beautiful God daughter... I will never forget the day she was born and the moments we shared. I can't begin to explain in words just what you mean to me.

Matthew: Thanks for the moments between us that have made me laugh more times than I can count. Thanks for the knowledge that you always have my back.

Chris: Thank you for your heart. You are kind and empathetic to those who need it most. Such a wonderful trait and one that inspires me.

Also, mom and dad... thanks for cleaning the puke off me when I had heat stroke and projectile vomited all over myself and the car. (You guys know I had to end this on a funny note)

Seriously...I was a stinky mess.

(anti) social media??

Sometimes my mouth gets ahead of my brain, and I end up getting involved in things that I shouldn't.

I find this to be more true on social networking platforms than in my face to face interactions. Not that I am not outspoken outside of social media, but I seem to have a better handle on knowing when to let something go.

Social media is so wonderful in many ways. It lets us interact with people who are living a distance away. It lets us reconnect with people from our past that we've lost touch with. It allows us to share our thoughts and details about our lives with those who we choose to let see.

But there is a darker side to social media. Because we are not face to face with someone, we sometimes feel that it is OK to weigh in on topics that we ought to stay out of. Not that it isn't OK to have an opinion, but it's easy to behave in a way that contradicts how we would behave otherwise. Passive aggressive behavior runs rampant on these platforms. People will post or say things just to jab at others. There seems to be little to no repercussion for this type of behavior. People become scholars in a subject because they have information readily available on the internet. People can verbally attack one another because there is no visible reaction like there is real life.

Last night, I found myself in a debate about a topic...with someone I had never met. They were bent on arguing with me and belittling with sarcasm and swearing. For a moment, I got sucked into it and rebutted. Then my senses kicked in and I realized that it just didn't matter. I wasn't angry that the person didn't see eye to eye with me, more so, I was upset that the person would react so rudely. As if this rather insignificant topic somehow made them so mad that they thought it was OK to lash out.

And that's when I realized that I needed to step back and remove myself from the situation.

Here I was, a mature adult... trying to make someone understand me. For what? What do I serve to gain from doing that? Nothing. I am no more important to this person than a stranger on the street. But I felt myself so badly wanting them to understand my point. The fact is, they had decided to NOT to try to understand me from the moment they started responding. I should have seen that.

I spend much of my life trying to connect in a meaningful way with others. I often talk to strangers I meet in stores or in public...just to connect. It seems that social media (emphasis on the social part) would help encourage others to do the same. Yet, I am learning that it is rife with people who seem to benefit from being more disagreeable and mean than nice.

The old saying, "silence is golden" came to mind. I think that I need to start practicing that. I think that I need to see a situation that has the potential for becoming negative, and stay away from it. I am good at doing this in my everyday life, I just need to remember to do this with social media as well.

I also need to remember that there are those, who will argue for the sake of arguing. Or people that are emotionally attached to a topic and feel compelled to defend their point without concern for the person they are attacking.

To those of you that I reach out to, know that I always do so out of love..and with a kindred spirit. I care about you.

Also, I am still learning and growing as a person. It's a lifelong journey... these little lessons serve to make me a better person.

I Love New York??

Conversation with Kendrick...

Him: I hate the cold. I hate the snow. This sucks so bad.
Me: Maybe we should consider moving south? We both hate the cold....
Him: No!!
Me: Why?
Him: Because I love New York!
Me: You love New York? Really? You love this state?
Him: I tolerate NY.
Me:......tolerate
Him: It's passable. It's passable NY.
Me: Well that seems like a reasonable reason to stay. Where we live is...passable.
Him: I've gotta go bundle up like I'm going into the Alaskan wilderness. Brave the elements. Provide for my family.
Interpreted: put on a coat, shovel the walk, and drive a mile to the store
Me: I know baby, but it's worth it.. it's all part of tolerating New York.

Giving your all to the ones who need it.

My childhood was not ideal. In fact, to say I had much of a childhood..would be inaccurate. Apart from my one close friend who was able to take me into her imagination with her and help me forget about reality for a while, I lived in a battlefield of dysfunction and abuse in every form. 

I don't feel I'm unique in that way. We all have had struggles in our lives, and I am aware that they shape who we become..good and bad. But there are some struggles that a child may face, that never really go away. You can forgive, you can stop a cycle of abuse, you can learn from it. That doesn't mean that it makes it disappear. 

Still, to this day, my inner child can be brought to tears in a heartbeat. Specifically when I see that someone is being hurt or hurting in a way that I've experienced. The tears are no longer tears of anger or frustration..they are tears of sadness. Remembering feeling abandoned, remembering abuse...and remembering that there was a time in my life that I was betrayed by my own kin. Feelings that I've dealt with as best as I can, but will sit under the surface of my psyche for as long as I live.

I write this, not only for myself..but for others as well.

We get one chance at this life. Whether you are a parent or a caretaker of someone..you get one shot at it. You are given the trust and love of that person. What you do with it is your choice. But know this. Your direct action or inaction will have lasting results. You can choose to help or hurt. 

Parenting is one of those things in life that I feel the strongest about. In today's society, there is a large number of children being raised by people who are not wholly invested in them. We have so much around us to take our attention away. Work, socializing, and technology. Even our own issues that we've ignored. We see a generation of kids acting out in extreme ways, vying for attention, needing your time. We see children with anger that is unlike anything we've seen in the past...because they are not being listened to and they don't know what to do with their feelings. We have kids who are "disappearing" right before our very eyes, into games and television and computer..because this is all they know. We now have a large portion of parents who have become yellers and screamers because they get annoyed that their children's behavior reflects their poor parenting or they ignore their kid's needs until that child acts out in a way that angers or inconveniences the parent. We've also become the generation of parents who blame society, teachers, and other adults in our children's lives for our children's behavior..before we question our own role. 

When I was one year old, my parents made the decision to leave me at a family member's house because their live's were more important to them. They could not be bothered to try to straighten out their own situations in order to step up to the plate and take care of their child. 

But..

I am becoming aware that there are so many ways to abandon a child. You can live under the very same roof with a child and still abandon them. I feel it so important to ask you to please be aware of this. Know that your life is not the only one that is important enough to dedicate a hundred percent to. We are raising the future. 

It's Not That Punny!

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a scotch and a mop.

...................

Did you laugh at that? If the answer is no, then you may be like me. Your brain just doesn't process humor correctly. My husband told me that joke when we were dating... and I only understood once it was explained to me.

Him: A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a scotch and a mop.
Me: *blinks*
Him: You don't get it?
Me: Not even remotely.
Him: A SKELETON, SCOTCH, MOP... You seriously don't get it?
Me: I'm confused. Skeletons don't talk.
Him: (shaking his head) A scotch..and a mop.....
Me: *blinks*
Him: Just think about it. Why would a skeleton ask for a mop?
Me: Why would he ask for a scotch?! None of this is based in reality.
Him: A SCOTCH, and a MOP!
Me: You can keep saying it, but my brain isn't getting it. Saying it repeatedly is NOT going to make me understand this stupid joke!
Him: It's NOT stupid! You just aren't thinking about it! Come on..a scotch and a mop!
Me: I swear if you say it again I am going to hurt you. I DO NOT COMPREHEND. DOES NOT COMPUTE. Which part of this aren't you getting?? Skeletons are dead people. None of this would ever occur.
Him: You are killing me here. It makes complete sense! A skeleton walks into...
Me: Are you repeating it? Again? Like telling me this crappy joke again will make it suddenly make sense? Your joke lacks depth, it's clearly never something that is going to happen..ever. I just don't get why you are so invested in it... It's like you are getting paid to push this joke on people.
Him: This can't be real. You seriously don't get it?? You are messing with me...(laughs nervously)
Me: Can you please just explain???? Why are we still carrying on about this dumb joke? I don't think anyone besides you gets it! Watch..

At this point, I walked into a room full of coworkers (he was visiting me at work) and tell the joke.

Room erupted in laughter.

My husband looked at me with a smug face..laughing heartily.

Some people are good at telling jokes. I'm the type of person who couldn't remember a joke if I wrote it on the back of my hand. To make matters worse, I'm usually the only one in a crowd that looks at the person telling the joke like he is speaking Greek.

I'm unsure what part of our brain is used to decipher jokes..maybe mine got injured in a sledding accident or one of the many times I fell down as a kid.

By the way, if you are joke challenged like me... the skeleton needs a mop because when he drinks the scotch, it runs right down onto the floor.

My wonderful hubby let me sit on that for a long time before I finally got the explanation. It's no wonder I love him so. Even if he's bad at telling smart jokes that make sense.