Realistic Resolutions: A New Year's Guide For The Motivationally Challenged

It seems like I do one of these every year. Mainly, because I think resolutions should be fun as much as they are useful. If you don't want a resolution that is going to cause you physical, mental, or emotional anguish... this is the guide for you. (and me)

1. Have a drink when you bloody well want one.

Really, can we just talk for a moment about how I didn't know how to act like the adult I am? This year I decided that I like a drink from time to time..and that I'm not a bad person for feeling like that. It's OK to get out of responsibility mode and let your hair down, providing you have hair. If you're of the bald variety, imagine you have hair.
So, have a drink. Or five. Really, you won't regret it. If you're old like me, drink lots of water. At 40, the body doesn't handle getting wasted and acting like a frat boy very well. I warned you.
Disclaimer: If you get in trouble for drinking, you totally did not get permission from me or this blog.

2. Stop looking at the nutrition facts on food.

Are you doing this? Don't do this. PLEASE STOP DOING THIS. Eat what you want, when you want. If losing weight is one of your preset resolutions, skip the rest of number two.
Really folks, nutrition facts are made by evil little dictators with nothing better to do than to make you feel like a fatty who's about to keel over from consuming more than seven pretzels in one sitting. Who makes up these serving sizes?! Evil people with stomachs the size of a grape, that's who.
I'll be right back, this made me hungry.

3. Stop caring about the fact that you seem like the only person in the world that changes the empty toilet paper roll.

Cause you are. You and me..we are the only people in the world that care. I have driven myself  near to insanity with changing toilet paper rolls that people ignore. I have cried tears anxiety, trying to track down the person who dared defile the bathroom in such a way as to not change the roll..or, GASP, those crazy people who just set a new roll on top of the old one.

This is causing me mental anguish. Moving on.

4. Listen to the music you like. unapologetically.

Yeah sure, I may judge your choice of music in my head, (If I hear that Frozen song, one. more. time...) but if it makes you happy, turn it up and rock out. I don't care if it's polka and you are dancing like Lawrence Welk. (gosh, I'm old) If it's country you're into, two step all night long. If it's metal... well, you and I are going to get along just fine.
Music is everything. Find what makes you tick and roll with it. Even if it means that people are staring at you wondering why you won't stop singing, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

(his name is my name too)

5. I'm really pushing my limits with five resolutions...but together, we can do this.
    Stop thinking that people care about you as much as you do.

I'm gonna level with you. We are more caught up with scrutinizing ourselves than others are.

Maybe that hurt your ego. Here, let me soften the blow...

You aren't so different than others. (I really need to work on getting a point across in a not so harsh way)

Truly. Wear the ridiculous hat that you won't wear out in public. Sing to yourself while walking in the store. Talk to yourself like there's actually another person there. Dance like it's we are back in an era when everyone danced and sang. You know, like that guy that went nutty and sang in the rain while dancing on light poles. Wait, that was a musical. Who cares? Sing in the freaking rain. Live your life like the freaks we all are, but hide because someone once told you to grow up and be normal.

I will be over here in my plaid pants and sequin top, a shot of brandy in my hand, headbanging to metal, thinking about how I never succeed at New Year's resolutions.

I'll work on perfection, tomorrow.

Complicating Life

 I was having a conversation tonight during which the question was posed, "why do you feel people are drawn to negativity? Why do people seem to want to make their lives harder than they need to be?" I've been contemplating it all night.

We've all chosen the more difficult paths at one point or another in our lives. Every single human has done this, some by choice, some out of defiance of following the 'norm', some because that is all they've ever known to do. The list of reasons goes on and on.

Where you fall on that spectrum is unique to you...but it doesn't explain why, as evolved beings, we continue to do this to ourselves after shooting ourselves in the foot on previous occasions.

I've tried to simplify my life as much as possible. On all levels. I've walked away from the drama. I've limited my own personal effects. I have a life that is fairly structured and still enjoyable on a deep level. It is not an impossibility to have this and still have a means of excitement. Deciding to live a simplistic life does not eliminate anything good. In fact, it makes the good in life, more prominent. 

I guess one situation that comes to mind for me when considering this is watching the dance that is human behavior in places like bars. My facebook feed is fairly saturated with women and men complaining about each other. There are countless posts about being unhappy with one's love life or lack thereof. Many, many posts about a person feeling jaded after their person of interest lacks reciprocated feelings. 

Why? Why are people doing this to themselves? What is the actual payoff? Human behavior denotes that a repeated behavior is fueled by some level of payoff. What fuels the desire to seek out that which is going to hurt, complicate, or create any level of drama in our own lives?

My only guess is this: a person does not feel they are worth the effort it takes to wait for something right, something natural, something intuitively easy and good...to happen to them. 

When we cherish and nurture ourselves, we learn to wait. It's not easy... sometimes it feels like the waiting is work, when in fact, it isn't. It just is. It's a matter of learning to say, "I deserve this time of waiting, I am worth the end result." This did not come easy for me. It took many tries of restructuring my own thinking to get to this point...and sometimes it's still an internal argument I have with myself. I see a situation that I am making harder and I have to step back and evaluate my own behavior and remind myself to slow down. 

We have to remember we are worth the simple, the good, the waiting.

Love: Keeping It Real

Nearly everyone is familiar with the biblical passage in Ephesians about what love is, and while it is indeed a beautiful thing to read, it leaves out some of the finer details about love and what it actually looks like in an active way. I've often wondered how many people have used that passage in their wedding and have really thought about it's meaning. 

The bible teaches one side of love. Media gives society a whole different level of skewed information about what love looks like. We have people who truly believe that they are failing at love because it isn't all flowers and romance as it is portrayed. 

Here's the thing. Love is an emotion that is given to ebbing and flowing, and therefore, it is subject to change. 

It's the changing that seems to be hard for people to accept or adapt to. What at one time felt like a tidal wave of good feeling, can sometimes feel like a trickle of water. That is not a bad thing. A trickle of water can still keep you alive. It is the thought that we must feel everything in explosive proportions that makes people feel something is very wrong with the love they have. 

Sometimes, you have to be patient with the trickle of water and realize that after a storm...you will have that tidal wave again. It just has to be replenished. 

Patience is not a virtue for most people. Why would it be when we live in a world that is made for instant gratification and encouraged impulsiveness? Why work hard at something when we can throw it away for a shiny new model that instantly causes a surge of good feelings?

Here's why.

The greatest things in our lives are the things we've worked the hardest for. If you've gone to school, you know the feeling of holding a diploma in your hand and the sense of deep down gratification it brings, because you worked hard to get it. If you can build something from the ground up, you know the feeling of standing back and looking at it with affection and pride. Love is no different. The harder you work at nurturing it, building it, being patient with it...the more you honor it. It is like raising a child. You can either nurture it into a full fledged functioning thing, or you can neglect it and create dysfunction.

Love and acceptance are one of our most basic human needs yet we constantly sabotage ourselves. For many, it is not enough to love simply. To just take that love that we've been given and to appreciate it for what it is in it's simplest form. We have to complicate it by expecting more, altering it, trying to transform it into something that, at the end of the day, is no longer genuine love, but a warped version of it's true form. 

Next time you feel that you are struggling with your relationship, don't automatically think, how can I add to this to make it better? Simplify. Strip yourselves down to the bare minimum. Remember that it is enough. In it's purest form...it is always enough, if you choose to let it be.

Comfort In The Unknown

Nearly all of my life I've been consumed with having to have a plan. The thought of having no control over the future would send me into a tail spin of anxiety and fear. That's reality though, not having control over the future. It is a wide open space that is given to change when we least expect it. We lose people, relationships, jobs, and anything that makes us feel anchored in our comfort zone. 

Feeling we have control is a huge fallacy. It is a preconceived notion that life is ours to manipulate and mold. 

We have today. That is all that promised. 

As you get older, thoughts of mortality sink in. The urge to make the most of our time left, becomes stronger and stronger. It's a knowing that there is finality. Someday, could be tomorrow, we will take our final breath. Morbid? Maybe for some. 

We spend so much time planning and plotting our future (or for some..living in the past), that we lose sight of the gift that is today. We become so entrenched in expectations for every part of our lives..that we lose the joy that comes along with not knowing what's around the corner. Life's surprises. 

The urge to micromanage every part of our lives and the lives of those we love is basically a wet blanket that will smother the happiness right out of us. 

I've lived in a kind of limbo for quite some time now. The end of my marriage tore a gaping hole in the blinders that I wore. The sudden loss of someone I loved finished the job and tore those blinders right off of me. In an instant, the neat little path that I led myself to believe was my direction, became a vast and open world. My feet, that I had so solidly planted, suddenly were directionless. It went against everything I thought to be rational and intelligent.

And though it took me good while to dare to take a step into the void..I did. 

My past, my pain, my expectations for my future and the people in it, fell behind as I explored the newness that I was facing. I did not dance into that freedom. I walked with trepidation, and from time to time, I would retreat back to what I held onto for so long...specifically my painful experiences. Odd that old pain comforted me and made me feel like I was still safe. But it did. as did reaching back for the perception that expectations would somehow solidify my existence. 

Here's the thing about living in the moment: It's glaringly brilliant and so full of wonder. Once you've opened your eyes to it, the light of it beckons you back from the darkness that was comforting. You can't unsee it. You can't ignore the knowledge it bestows upon you. You become drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

The hardest part of this transition for me was realizing that there was nothing I could do to avoid future hurts. It doesn't matter how much you expect from others and the world... everything can change. Everything is meant to change. 

I was scared to allow myself to love again. Broken trust nearly killed my desire to have another companion. I didn't want to hurt again. I didn't want to lose someone else. Then I realized that I couldn't stop my heart from being touched by another. 

There have been times, especially at the beginning when I would fall back to my old way of thinking. I saw myself having expectations for a future. The more I allowed that to happen, the more anxious I became because I now had the knowledge that I really had no control over it. 

So I let go of expectations and I started seeing each day as a blessing. It left room in my mind and heart to love again and to truly experience every ounce of emotion that the relationship has brought to me. More profound, it has allowed me to see the person in front of me for who they really are, not who I want or hope for them to be.

 

Embracing the unknown has opened doors in every direction. Some, I walk through and decide to walk back out of. Some of those doors have led to beautiful experiences. And yes, some have led to hurt...but it's OK because the unknown means that there are still plenty of other doors for me to open and explore what's on the other side of them.

 

My life has become limitless. 

 

My love has become pure without the tainting of a plan. It exists in perfect harmony with the universe because I have given up control.

 

My fears have all but dissipated. I am no longer even afraid of death.

 

I am like a small child again. Full of wonder, laughing and joyful with each new day because it is a present waiting to be unwrapped. 

 

This is truly living...and I don't ever want to go back to wearing those blinders. I don't need to know the future..it's inconsequential. I need only to suck every drop of goodness from this moment.

Fact Or Fiction

I'm mostly described as blunt, assertive, or words associated with someone who just can't contain herself and often says things that make people look at me like I'm out of my mind. And it's true. I'm a special kind of crazy when it comes to filtering what I say to people. There's a reason for this..

I abhor lying. 

Whether it be lying by omission , little white lies, or the big lies that people tell because they are ashamed of their behavior in one way or another.

Either way you slice it, lying is THE biggest way to lose my respect for a person. 

I can't say I've never lied. I was adept at it well into my twenties. At some point though, I realized that it was extremely tiring to keep up a charade of being, doing, thinking a way I really wasn't. As I look back, I often analyze why I behaved that way. It ultimately came down to shame. I felt shameful for wanting something I shouldn't have. I felt shameful for saying what I really felt about something. You name it, I could somehow find a way to feel shame in it. 

This is a human issue. We are taught, from a young age, that the truth equates to trouble. You were honest about getting hurt and crying and told to suck it up. If adults were mean to you, you were told to respect your elders. If your family had secrets, and most do, you were told to lie to keep the secrets. There are hundreds of ways that we are taught that lying is not only acceptable behavior but preferred behavior. 

But it isn't. 

It's stifling. It gives false perceptions about who you are as a person. It encourages people to act impulsively with little thought to consequence for their behavior. It's unreality in it's purest form... and it's a way of life without even realizing it.

Let me pose this question to you: What would happen if you were brutally honest at all times? 

Are you in charge of how someone feels if you tell the truth? Are you responsible for someone's reactions in general? They are their own feelings. Feeling you are somehow responsible for another's egos, feelings, or identity is a lie. It's akin to feeling like you can control someone's favorite color. 

How much time in our life do we waste, interacting with people we just won't be honest with in saying, "we just aren't compatible in a way that I need." How much time do we waste attending events or parties that we bitch about for days before going, simply because we have to keep up an appearance? How much of our life is wasted in relationships that only exist because two people won't be honest with one another about what they really want? How much time do we spend actively having to be aware of covering lies upon lies so that we don't get caught?

My honesty has resulted in many things over the years. My circle of actual friends just gets smaller and smaller, because I find not many people can offer me the same harsh truth that I bring to a relationship. 

And I crave that. I so badly want to meet others who stand in their truth in an unwavering way and live a life of freedom as a result. 

Take a deep down look at yourself. You are good enough as you are. Your thoughts and feelings are valid to you. It doesn't matter what anyone else in the world thinks about you...on any level. Until you can understand that and stop seeking validation from others...your life will continue to revolve around the lies that make you appear as you hope to others. It's a vicious cycle and you're the engineer. 

Or you can choose to get off the merry go round that will take you nowhere and stand on your feet and walk your own path.... 

and truly live.

Grief Demon

Some of my posts are inspirational. Some are funny. Some are like this one...raw emotion that I have no place to put except on a piece of paper or on this blog. I usually keep the darker side of things a bit private, save a couple people that I really trust with my heart. Not tonight. Not on this day. I am baring myself in front of you, for no reason other than sometimes we all need to see the realness of humanity.

I am a mess.

I am sad, angry, and every other emotion that you can relate to that negative space that we all have inside of us, but rarely talk about openly. 

Grief is a multifaceted emotion. I dare say there is no emotion quite like it. At least, not in my experience. In a day, I can go from laughing with happiness to feeling a sadness so deep that it's all consuming. I try to fight it. I try to busy myself with menial tasks to keep me occupied, but it's sitting right there on my shoulder... a little demon, reminding me of that pain that will live inside me forever.

And I do believe it is forever. Perhaps, over time it the pain presents itself less and less, but it is always just waiting for a memory to spark it back to life and fuel the fire that burns you from the inside out until you are engulfed in flames. 

I know the grieving cycle, for what it's worth. I am very self aware and not afraid to reach into the depths of my feelings and see them for what they are. But grief, this is one demon that loves chaos. It loves to knock you to your knees when everything seems OK. It likes to take the wind out of your sails and leave you stranded on a vast sea with nothing in sight. It likes to remind you of what you've lost. It steals warm feelings and chills you to your core.

Grief leaves you begging for a reprieve from reality. And you don't get that option. There is no stop button on life. You can't just pause or fast forward through the hard parts. You can either choose to fight for the light that you know exists, or you can give into that voice that says, "this is too hard to survive."

I am a fighter. God, am I am fighter. I don't go down easily and I try to always see the positive in things even when it feels impossible to find a spark of light. Grief reminds me that I can't always fight my way through to the other side. Sometimes, I just have to wait it out and give into a sadness that literally makes my chest ache. It makes tears run out of my eyes with no ability to stop them.

It makes me feel like all the good in my life is behind a wall that I cannot scale.

And I fucking hate it. I hate that powerless feeling that comes over me. I hate being reminded that I am still only human and that there is something I can't fix. You can't repair grief. You can't therapy it away. You can't medicate it away. It's always there....always waiting.

Perhaps the beauty in it, and God knows I always have to go to that place of figuring out where the beauty is, is that I loved someone so much. I allowed myself to be open to a person who crawled right into my heart and rested there. 

And I'll do it again. This self perpetuating cycle of letting others in to that space that is only reserved for those that are too special to turn away from....that's what living is about. 

Some Wounds Never Heal

I often see myself as a warrior. Someone who refuses to give up when things are at their worst. I have spent a lifetime fighting back and learning how to stand, feet planted, ready to swing back.

But..

There are some invisible forces that simply can't be fought. The resilience is in recognizing them and weathering the storm they bring. No amount of fighting will stop the onslaught, but you can hold on, reach out, put on the proverbial life vest and let the waves throw you around until it subsides.

Abuse and trauma change our brains in ways that most people don't acknowledge. Scientific studies of the brains of abuse victims show thinning in certain areas of the brain. Imaging has shown that pathways in the brain can become stunted, turned off, changed. There is no lack of evidence to back up the reality of how severe abuse, neglect, and trauma can alter the brain in very real ways.

I rarely touch on my own personal experiences as a child and teen....mainly because I see no benefit in it. Rehashing what I've been through does nothing for me except bring up painful memories to ruminate on. It gets me nowhere and serves no healthy purpose.

Sometimes though, the actions or words of another can open up a can of worms and no matter how you try to see it logically, the fear and shame come washing back like a wave. And it knocks you down. I think these moments are the hardest to cope with. They are unexpected, you are unprepared, and your mind goes back into safety mode for a bit because it senses a very real danger. This is not faulty thinking, this is the result of a brain that has been hardwired to perceive certain things as threats. In a way, it's self preservation. Fight or flight.

The awareness of post traumatic stress is leaps beyond what it used to be. It is a condition that most have at least heard of. This is a good thing. What people who don't have a history of trauma don't realize though, is that it isn't something people can just go to therapy and get over. There is no magic pill that stops the hurt of it. There is nothing, literally nothing, that a person can do besides try to learn to live around it...be aware that there will be times that pain will resurface, causing all manner of feelings.

As a general population, our initial reaction to a person who is hurting, is to try to fix it. Know this, there are no words that will make it better. In fact, bombarding someone with what you may perceive as care, can make the situation worse. The guilt and shame survivors feel runs deep. When everyone senses something is wrong with said person, they are quick to try to slap a verbal band-aid on it to make it stop. These band-aids are weak and do no more than make a person feel like they are a burden that is in need of attention.

We do not want attention.

We do not want sympathy.

We are not selfish.

We have strong feelings of guilt and shame for a situation we didn't ask for.

In these moments of pain. We simply want it to stop, yet we know it never will completely.

Imagine me handing you a sharp stone and saying to you, "here, put this in your shoe. You must walk around with it against your skin..forever. Seems daunting, doesn't it? So does living with depression, anxiety, or ptsd that is caused by severe, unnatural events. For some, it hits at odd times. For others, it is a daily struggle.

If you see someone is hurting, don't assume you can fix it. It's admirable that you may want to. You can't. Instead, ask how you can help, listen..don't give advice, be a silent support and hold them if they'll let you. If not, hold them in your heart and just try to understand that it isn't you. You didn't cause this, nor can you fix it.

Hurt people are some of the most beautiful souls on this Earth. Their internal scars are a network that is often woven into a soft net for others...because they know what it's like to be hurt to their core. Love them. 

The Silent Abuse: Parent Alienation

Few divorces or separations end well. This is just a sad truth that is exhibited in behaviors that are a trend among people who split up. It's not uncommon to see two people who spent meaningful time together, tear each other down when something goes wrong. You may call it natural human behavior or you may see it how I see it, childish.

Regardless of how the two people feel about each other in the end, there is a poisonous side effect of this behavior that is potent and harmful when a child is involved. It is called parent alienation, and it's happening in epidemic proportions.

It is silently encouraged by a broken court system that still gives mothers more rights than fathers due to outdated beliefs about gender roles and out of date laws regarding them between a father and a mother. To say this doesn't happen to mothers would be a lie. It is important to note though, that statistically, the problem is more likely to happen to a father.

Parent Alienation is defined as this:
The process, and the result, of the psychological manipulation of a child into showing unwarranted fear, disrespect or hostility towards a parent and/or other family members. It is a distinctive and widespread form of psychological abuse and family violence—towards both the child and the rejected family members—that occurs almost exclusively in association with family separation or divorce. (as cited by wikipedia)

Did you read all of that? I'm hoping you did. I'm also hoping that you caught the part about it being a widespread form of abuse against children and parents.

I have encountered this on so many occasions through both professional and personal interactions with families. Every time I encounter it, I see the same devastating, harmful impact it has on them. For the sake of this blog, I will focus primarily on the impacts of this on a child.

When a parent demeans another parent, limits contact with a child, takes them away from the other parent, or in any way.. takes a childs ability away have a healthy loving relationship with the other parent, they are abusing their child. Period. Unless it is a proven fact that the alienated parent is harmful for a child due to being abusive, there is no reason a child should be denied the human right to not be a pawn in a sick game of power that results in them losing a key person in their lives and social development.

Parent Alienation Syndrome is a very real problem among children who are put in this position. Although more aptly called a type of relationship dysfunction rather than a mental illness, it is still proven to cause long lasting trauma and social dysfunction in a child.

When one parent treats and coaches a child in a way that causes them to have a false set of beliefs about another parent, it is manipulation on a deeply psychological level.

When one parent moves their children away and cuts off all or most contact with a child's other parent, they are choosing to treat their children as objects rather than the human beings they are.

All of this for power. Abusing their children for their own ego's sake. Ruining the chances of healthy relationships with others because they want to prove a point to their ex and will stop at nothing to do so.

If we, as a parent, manipulate our children into false sets of beliefs about the world around them and the people in it, we stunt their growth as individuals and give them a very warped perception of how to interact with others.

Children in this situation often develop anger problems, physical ailments, depression, and severe anxiety.. because they are battling that voice in their head that tells them whats real. It is an all out war, internally, between the core want of the love of two parents and the programming that has been used to tell them it's wrong to want that.

Why are we allowing this to happen? Sitting silently with our hands folded in our laps while the legal system and bitter, unhealthy parents essentially rape the minds of children. How can we, as loving humans, watch this unfold and not acknowledge it for what it is? Child abuse.

No, we may not have the power to completely change a broken court system...but we do have the power to start talking about this openly. We have the ability to impact one person's life by just being aware of it and sharing information like this to those who are experiencing it or are actively involved in alienating their child from another parent.

It's time to start calling this out. It's time to say, "I see this and I will not stand for it." It's time to show children that they deserve more respect than what they have been shown. It's time to give them their power back as individuals that have a deep want at their core to only be loved and love their parents without influence and lies.

I trust that you would not stand by silently as a parent physically beat their child. Make the choice to not stay quiet about psychological abuse as well. Be a voice for a child when they are being silenced by fear of backlash and disappointment.

To those of you going through this.. my heart aches for you and your babies. I have encountered this too many times to not see the horrible ways it eats at you until depression becomes a very real problem. I ask you, as a parent, to keep fighting...tirelessly..to make it right. Not just for your own sake, but for your child's as well. You both deserve much more.

Men Are Not Our Puppets

Tsk Tsk, this post will probably piss off a few people. I'd say I care, but I don't. So no, you don't get a trigger warning for what I'm about to say.

Dear Women who treat men like they are mindless, ignorant, unfeeling, unaware, sexist, and my favorite, creatures who are here for us to manipulate...

You suck.

Let me rephrase.

You give us women who appreciate and embrace the differences between genders, a bad name.

Men and Women ARE NOT the same. Guess what? Science has proved that. We are hardwired differently, and that's OK. No, it's better than OK. It's what has kept the human species alive.

Yet, here I am. Surrounded by a sea of women that think that men, when they don't meet a woman's expectations, deserve subhuman treatment.

Did you read that correctly? Did you catch the part that talks about treating men like crap because they aren't behaving how you (I'm talking to you, women) think they should? I hope you did, cause that's what it comes down to. You get disappointed because a man's choices or behaviors don't match what you've magically created in your head for them. As a result of your disappointment, you resort to the far too familiar man bashing fall back.

Allow me, if you will, to give you some examples of this:

He doesn't love me the way I love him. He's a self absorbed and selfish man. I'll find someone who's smart enough to see my worth. (remind me again when loving someone became a matter of being a selfish person as opposed to a free emotional reaction to another person?)

He doesn't even notice when I'm upset. (Oh, that's right, men are mind readers and us women have zero responsibility for expressing our feelings through words in a way that might actually let a man know you are upset without the guessing game.)

He doesn't do anything around the house. (Let me guess. You do ALL of the work 100% of the time. Do you ask him to help out and then show him gratitude for the things he does? Do you remember that we, as humans, thrive on feeling that we are needed and worth something? Do you nag the shit out of your man and then wonder why he's isolated himself away..essentially giving up on you and the house?)

We live in this world of fantasy where we (as women) are taught that it is OK to resort to passive aggressive behavior when things don't go according to our plans. We are taught, on the whole, that everyone owes us something and if we don't get it, they are the failure. Even more, we have steered so far away from the actual science behind male and female emotions and behavior, that our perceived knowledge of the opposite sex is no longer based in reality.

Men are not what you see in media. Men are not the unrealistic perfect creatures that you dream about while you listen to your sweet love songs. Men are not here for the sole purpose of making you feel complete. Men are not malleable little balls of clay that are just waiting to be sculpted into a perfect figure of what you think you want.

They are not here to be trained by their significant others. You are not their leader. You are not a god.

Here's a quick antidote to all your love disappointment: Stop treating others like it is their responsibility to make your life complete. Stop expecting others to love you so hard, that they lose themselves. Stop expecting anything. You are the captain of your ship. You are soley responsible for where you take it.

Want to know something men find completely sexy and admirable in a woman? Someone who is independent enough to know how to create her own happiness. A woman who can appreciate the differences between men and women and embrace them rather than imply that they are neanderthals with very little brain capacity.

Is this post sexist? All I can say is this,

If the shoe fits, lace that thing up and run with it.

Fake It Till You Make It

I've been faced with situations this past year that have pushed me to my limits. Times when I've been so down, that I could literally go no lower. We've all had these moments in life, they are not unique to me, nor would I imply that they are.

There were times in that pit that I remember thinking I had to make a move. I had to do something to get back up and get out of the darkness. Even if, in some sick way, the darkness became comforting. I knew it was not living or for the living.

I had heard the phrase 'fake it till you make it'.. many times in my life. I never subscribed to that logic. How could one possibly fake happiness until it became a reality? But I knew I had to try anything to find a light again.

It started with me forcing myself to go places, even though inside, I hated the thought and it made me anxious to interact with new people. I knew I had to do it. So I put on a smile and I went. I met new people. I watched people. In the beginning, my interactions with them were surface at best. I was still a closed off room, but it served it's purpose. I eventually met people that I felt safe enough to open the door to a little bit. I talked through the gap. I kept them at a very safe distance from my heart. Down the road, I opened the door and let a few people in my head space. It was terrifying..but I knew I wanted to feel closer and they had proved that they deserved more than just a surface me.

I began to transcend into a new reality.

I was no longer faking it. I had made it.

I started to utilize this skill in many areas of my life. I knew that if I gave my intention to the universe, I would make it happen. And I did.

This is really just another form of resiliency. It's not dishonest. It's not a way to trick people. It is a tool that allowed me to push through the toughest moments in my time on this Earth.

Here's my reality. I am no different than any of you. There are days that are full of happiness, laughter, beauty, a sense of something tremendous. But, I also still have times where none of that matters in the moment because my sadness becomes so acute that it pushes the wonderful away.

But only for a time. Not forever. I don't stay there anymore. To stay there means dying inside. It means giving up. I'm not hardwired to give up. I can't.



*This is not a way to make people who are suicidal or clinically depressed, feel like less. I need to say that. There are circumstances where people need help to find their light again. That's OK! We are all dealt a different hand in life. You play yours how you need to to get the most out of this existence. This is just what has worked for me. *

Three Months

Charlie,

It's been three months since the last time I held your face in my hands and said, 'goodbye.'

Three months since I've heard you say my name. 

Three months since we said, "I love you."

Three, very long, very hard and painful months.

I'm sad right now. It comes in waves when I least expect it. Like a tsunami of grief that can't be contained, even when I try my best. It's consuming. It brings me to a place of sheer sorrow and the only way I climb out is by digging...again. 

And I fucking do it. I fucking dig my way out of that dark place, again and again. I have no other choice. 

Christ, it's tiring sometimes and I'm so thankful for the hand that sometimes reaches down and helps me climb out. 

The hands that you knew would. The people you gave to me that remind me, every single day, that I'm not alone in this. Your family. Your friends. The good ones. The angels that have swooped in and shielded me with an unspeakable love. 

In all of this, it's this blessing from you that reminds me to find light in all of the darkness that is the loss of you in this world. 

You knew I would need them. You knew they would come through. And they have, in more ways than you could have hoped for me. 

Maybe someday I will stop counting time. That is not this day. This day is still tremendously hard and I relive our last moments on this date, every month and more. 

I am alive. I am thriving. I am pushing myself in ways that you always encouraged me to. 

I just wish you were around still to smile at the beauty of it. Even if from a distance. 

I love you. I always will. I miss you. I always will. I've accepted this. And those that matter most, understand the whys and hows. 

I'm still floating here, in the waves..watching the moon wax and wane as time passes. 

What Musicians Don't Tell You

Everyone has that thing that touches them in a way that can evoke every emotion possible. I have never experienced something as powerful as music. It has been a part of my life, in some form, since I was born. It's a constant. No matter who comes and goes, music is a companion that has stayed by my side through everything. 

For most of you, as people who enjoy listening to music, you understand this thought process. But there are things that we musicians rarely talk about because it is such a profound experience for us. It is primal. It is beautiful and ugly at the same time. It is a constant work of art that we never really perfect but can still feel proud of. 

It is expression in its rawest form...and you, the listeners, get a glimpse of our very soul.

The process of writing music sometimes comes easily. There are pieces that fit together with ease. Then there are those pieces of music that we can work on for years, adding to them, changing them.. all variables that can shift on a moment to moment basis. Lifelong works that no one will ever hear. They are ours. We hold them near to our heart like an infant to it's mother's breast. We nurture them. Sometimes, we put them down for a bit because we need the space from the intensity. We look at them with love and frustration. 

When an artist is standing in front of you, you may feel the driving beat, the clarity in a voice, words that touch you in some way that's very relative to what you are experiencing in your life. What you see and feel and what we see and feel are very different.

We are baring ourselves to you. Each note, a part of a living and breathing thing that we are trusting you with in that moment. We are essentially saying, "here, hold my baby..the love of my life..and appreciate it as much as I do." And that's an impossibility, because no one can ever truly appreciate your own creation..but we try anyway, because it is our gift to the world. It is our part of a tightly woven fabric that is the universe in it's entirety. 

Music, to us, is as essential as breathing. Our bodies may not die from the lack of it, but our spirits will..and that is worse. Taking away our ability to create would render a musician powerless on so many levels that we would essentially lose a passion that fuels us to keep going. We would become hollow shells of our true selves. 

Live music is highly underappreciated. We see each performance as a chance to stand in front of others, naked, and hope that in some small way..we move you. There is a knowing that we may not reach people. We accept that as part of it. It is not a matter of wanting the satisfaction of hearing someone say, "YOU made me feel this way." It is a need. Performing for others is as much for us as it is for you. You hear a song...we hear each note and beat as it's own unique entity. 

We exist to express our inner most selves to the world in a way that is unmatched. There is no replacement or balm that soothes our soul more. 

Next time you have the opportunity to see a musician or musicians perform, remember these things. Not for our sake, but so you can truly immerse yourself in our world. There is beauty in knowing that a drummer's muscles are so perfectly sculpted that they can give you that driving beat, and that rhythm is also beating along with their heart. A guitarist's or bass guitarist's hands have honed their skill to a point of muscle memory, yet they are still trying to find new ways to push themselves into a different mode. A singer has poured over novels of words and has learned to use their voice as a way of conveying the deep meaning of them. Each note, bent and sustained to give them power. 

Playing It Safe

Hi, my name is Terralyn. I've been sober for almost a year. My drug of choice was safety.

If there was a support group for people who were afraid of living, I could have been the facilitator. 

I'm not suggesting I haven't had my share of fun and adventure. I have. I really have. At some point, I lost that want to jump, and I made myself a sweet little net to carry around to fall into when risks scared me. 

I lived fearfully...and that's not really living. 

I was afraid of dying, losing relationships, going new places, being alone, saying 'no' to people, pain...the list goes on and on. I became an anxious monster who sat in her cave and watched life happen around me while I ruminated over the lurking danger around me. I carved the days in the walls to mark the time to remind me that hiding had kept me alive and fairly hurt free. (at least that's how I viewed it)

I wasn't alive. I certainly wasn't free from hurt. I was dead inside except for the fire of anxiety that burned every day. I was consumed by it. I clung to to it like a child clings to their favorite blanket. I'd cover my eyes to the world with it. 

In an instant, my life turned upside down and all the false security I had been surrounded by, was suddenly gone. Poof. Gone. It walked out on me and I became a crazed woman. I remember days of crying so hard from my fear that my heart literally hurt. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I didn't create or destroy. I gave up on myself so completely that I was accepting the worst as the outlook for my future. I felt I was nothing. I had nothing left. 

So many people live like I did. They bide their time by taking a back seat to their own lives. They put blinders on and accept what lies their eyes can see..not the truths all around us when we turn our head to look at them. 

The risks I take now may seem inconsequential to many..but I am just learning to live again. A year is not very long. I have years to make up for. 

Living is not always the grand displays of adventure that we are shown in media. Sometimes, it's a quiet whisper, saying, "do something uncomfortable today." For some, that could be as simple as choosing to get off the couch and moving their body. It could be saying 'no' to people in your life that prey on your fear of being unkind. Sometimes living is choosing to get up every single day, even when it feels like you can barely get a sock on one foot before your pain starts to remind you it's still there...waiting. 

I'm not a victim to anyone. Please don't misunderstand. I was a victim of my own choices and inaction. I created the hell I lived in. I took life's traumas and weaved them into sweater. It kept me warm for short periods of time. 

Here's reality. We are never truly safe and any choices we make based on the lie that we are safe, are based in fear and not love. Love of yourself. Love of life. Love of living. 

So, today, I choose to continue to make myself stretch a little more. I choose to welcome the unknown and wonder at it's ability to change my world in ways that I could never expect. I wake up and start each day with curiosity. I choose to embrace the bumps and bruises and dust off and keep going. 

I choose to risk it all...because I am alive.

I blew that cave up and watched it crumble as I walked away.

Codependency-In Which I Finally Open Up About My Marriage

When Kendrick and I split up, I got a lot of:

"I never saw that coming!"

"You two seemed like you had the perfect relationship."

"You were like one brain in two bodies."

The dissolving of a marriage is never easy. I doesn't matter why or how it happens. It's just a huge mixed bag of emotions to sift through until you reach the bottom and realize that sometimes, it's just better that way. Sometimes, it takes a long time to be able to say that it's better. And that's OK. Once our ego settles down, we become open to hearing the positive things that can happen after a separation. It's all about accepting and growing. 

My marriage was anything but perfect, in hindsight. I don't blame anyone for it. I don't regret it. It just wasn't the picture postcard that it appeared to be to others and often, to us. There were amazing times and memories, but there was also a lot of codependency on both of our parts, and it imploded. 

Codependency is a sneaky jerk. It can be so easy to follow that urge to just lose yourself in love, to share every moment together, to give up stuff that your partner doesn't like...

To lose yourself completely to another person. 

At first, codependent relationships feel safe. "This person loves me so completely, that they have given me all of them." There's no room for mistrust because you live and breathe the same air at all times. It's safe feeling. That feeling of routine and knowing what to expect can make us lose sight of what living truly is. 

After you feel safe and secure, the suffocation begins. Your expectations for one another are so severe that the person YOU are, gets shoved down deeper and deeper. You find yourself wondering why you feel incomplete, like there is something you want but can't figure it out. That feeling exists because the relationship has put you in a position to give up on your own goals and hobbies. Sometimes, for so long, that you actually lose the desire to pursue them if it means independence. 

Your entire world gets exponentially smaller. And so do you.  

After thoroughly suffocating the self right out of you, things explode. We are not meant to live like that. It is not a healthy love. 

We are meant to be free. We are meant to live our lives, possibly side by side with another, but still independent. Some people can ignore this for a long time. I certainly did. I had a traumatic youth, and Kendrick made me feel safe in many ways. I clung to that. Same for him. 

It took our relationship ending to finally have a head clear enough to see just how wrong it all was. To see how wrong I was to hand myself over to another person and essentially give up my own sense of autonomy.  

It took me breaking. It took him breaking. It took our relationship breaking. 

I can only speak for myself, but it was what I needed to shake my life up. I needed to wake back up and take my life back...for me and no one else. 

I know many of you have wondered and have waited for this kind of post. I understand curiosity. I also hope that you realize that I don't regret the marriage or it ending. It is another chapter in my life..each chapter helping to create a life's story. 

I am much more aware now. I am free now. I have healthy boundaries now. I wouldn't change that if the opportunity was there. It took me a while, but I got there. And that feels fucking amazing... Every single day. 

Longing

I have a longing so deep that time threatens to stand still for it...and it often feels like it does. I watch days pass as my yearning grows stronger and stronger. 

Patience has never been a strong characteristic of mine when it comes to knowing what I want. I'm not talking about material things. I rarely long for anything material. It's not what drives me. I long for the things in life that add to my happiness. Love, affection, growth, and momentum.... peace.

It's hard for this logical planner to sit back and see what's in front of me, know that I want it as part of me, and know that I either can't have it or I need to be patient. It's right there. I can touch it and feel it..imagine how it would be to have it. 

Not yet. Maybe not at all. 

It's not easy to hear that internal drum of my heart chanting, "yes, Terralyn" only to have the universe say, "not yet, Terralyn." It interrupts my dancing. It pervades my thinking and makes me feel like a toddler in a toy aisle. "I want that!" The internal tantrum, only able to be hushed by reality. 

Reality can be a cold hearted bastard. So much of my thinking comes from imagination..but reality requires truth and an exactness that is so precise that it jabs at my heart with it's long finger and mocks me. It tells me to shut down my imagination and face what's in front of me.

And I do. 

It's painful sometimes. I can't have everything I want. Sometimes not without a lot of work and sometimes not at all. I know.. I know that not everything I want is realistic..it doesn't stop me from yearning. 

It's right there within my reach. My fingers brush against it, caress it, touch it for a moment.

And it's flown off again like a playful butterfly. 

For now, I have to learn to be patient. I have to quiet my mind and heart to the point of exhaustion from the struggle of it. I know it will make me a better person. It will make me appreciate what I have. It helps me stay in the present moment.

But sometimes, I just want it now. 

And like that toddler reaching for a toy, I am told, "no."

Tightrope Walking

I have never touched freedom as much as I have this year. I have become a bird who's clipped wings have grown back. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't express my gratitude for it by stretching them and using them. 

But with freedom there are always periods of sheer madness. It can't be helped. Just like light and dark are needed, freedom and madness go hand in hand. 

I have moved myself into a space of loving and living more. My days are full of creativity and an honesty that most shy away from. 

The madness comes because my willingness to open myself up to the world leaves me vulnerable. The love that has touched me has left me with feelings ranging from elation to acute grief. 

Yet, I can't stop. I can't stop flying. I want to suck every ounce of feeling out of my days. I want to experience it all. Even the hard stuff. I know it means growth. 

I'm sometimes riding a fine line. I know this. Sometimes that line represents a joy that can't be replicated, and sometimes it represents a sadness that brings me to a breaking point of deciding how much more I can handle before I finally cross it into oblivion. 

People keep telling me how strong I am. I fucking know it. Believe me, I know it. I've stared death in the eyes on many occasions and turned my back to it and the lies it tells me to draw me in. But being strong does not make it hurt less. 

It's times like this that I'm grateful for my wings. I feel their gentle breeze and it pulls me back to reality and I let them carry me away from the ocean of tears and grief.

It isn't all dark these days. 

Sometimes, I do something completely out of the ordinary and let the craziness of it wash over me like a spring rainfall. I enjoy the small moments of adventure and impulsive decisions that start with no destination but lead me precisely to the place where I need to be most in that moment. 

I dance. I haven't danced in many years...but I can't stop my body now. From standing in front of a live band and bouncing up and down while I shoot up devil horns to letting my weightless body slice through the water in ways it could never on land.. I dance. 

I talk to people from the heart. I let them know how much I cherish them..even if they can't really hear my intention or aren't prepared to hear it. It's not about having my feelings reciprocated, it's just letting them know that my love is freely given. No expectations. 

I know there are times that my behavior may confuse those around me. I ask you to imagine a trapped animal who has lived in a cage for years and has been set free to the wilds again. 

I must run. Captivity is my greatest fear now. 

Desire

You'd think that the lesson of not getting what you want would set in as a child when we are often told, "no." Yet it doesn't. We get told that, in different ways, as an adult.. all the time. 

Here's the thing.

Desire never stops. Wanting never goes away. We never completely learn how to master the art of contentment with what we have in front of us.  It is a basic human emotion that can't be quelled by sheer force. 

It's OK to desire. 

I know that's an unpopular belief among those who believe they are Zen enough to shut down all human wants. To that I say, "Congratulations, you've successfully stopped being a participant in living your own life." 

Desire is a driving force that helps us to keep growing, changing, loving, learning, enjoying, trying...

When we try to shut down desire, we essentially tell ourselves we aren't worth the effort it takes to see that aspiration through to the other side, whatever outcome that may be. 

We are hurt so much in our lifetime. We think, as humans who are hurting, if we could just let go of our own wants..the pain will stop. It doesn't. 

When I lost Charlie, I thought that if I could just stop wanting a different outcome, I could find peace. I beat myself up for it constantly. It was a war in my head of trying to accept that it was OK to want him to be alive and an enemy army that told me that I could never heal if I always wished he was still alive.

I will always wish that there had been another outcome. I can't see how I could love someone and not want them alive. I can see the beauty in what has happened as a result of his death. I can be thankful for that beauty and the changes in my life that have moved me into a space of loving more in the moment. 

But I can never stop wanting him alive. That's not a matter of discontent, it's a matter of wishing he, himself, had a shot at living a life that he was capable of and wanted. 

A loving desire can and should make us see past ourselves and look at our desired subject as something or someone that has value. Without want, the world and everything and everyone in it becomes dull and useless to us. It lacks color and vibrancy. 

Synonyms for desire are words like: eagerness, enthusiasm, yearning, burning. These words spark my imagination in ways that make me take action. They can take a mundane life and turn it into an open space of possibility. 

I desire. 

I desire a life that keeps me curious. A life that makes me get up every day and try harder. A life that is filled with love to the bursting. A life where creativity reigns supreme. 

A life, that at the end of my time, I can look at and say, "I desired...and I lived as much as I could as a result." 

Catharsis

We use cathartic skills to cope with life's challenging thoughts or feelings. Usually in flux, it's using tools as we need them. Catharsis is purging of emotions through release, and the result is usually a feeling of freedom from them. 

I just keep purging and expressing. Sometimes, to the point of exhaustion. I write, sing, talk, wail, create..all cathartic things, yet I still feel like I'm going nowhere fast. I know this isn't true. Some days, I can see I am making strides. I try to honor those small signs of healing. 

Universe, what is it you require of me? What is it I am supposed to learn? How to cry until I am voiceless? How to hurt until I eventually become scarred over enough that I am unphased by it? It's almost like you're preparing me for something greater. I am a boxer with their coach, and I have to swing until I land the perfect punch. 

Some days, i want to shut down my heart and mind, crawl into my bed and sleep. But no matter how much I feel like that, I don't do it. 

I pick myself back off the fucking ground and I stand in the fire some more. 

I can't even begin to hide my sadness from others. I try, to save them from feeling the need to protect me..which I don't need. Sometimes I hide it because I know other's are hurting more than I am and I am giving them that time to just express without feeling like they are adding to my own pain. Everyone deserves that.

But, my ability to contain it is eroding. 

If I could paint a mental picture for you, it would be an image of a person with their chest a gaping wound..screaming. 

In all of this, I still can't shut down my heart to newness and wonder. I have a curiosity. I still want to jump in, feet first, and absorb every little scrap of living, that I can. 

So here I am. Raw from the pain. Tears running down my face. My soul seeping from my pores.

And I scream at the universe, "what else have you got for me?!" 

Bring it the fuck on. 

I'm not bullet proof, but I'm fairly certain I've proved I will get back up and stand there and take the beatings you give me. I may rest for a moment, but life is too short to hide. 

I just have to remind myself that I am not weak.. I am actually quite strong. Even when I'm on my knees and sobbing. I am holding on and I know, with all of my heart, I will stand again. 

Wonderlust

Everyone talks about wAnderlust and the desire to travel the world. While there are places I'd love to experience firsthand, it is not a driving force for me. 

I have wOnderlust. 

I have this intrinsic need to use my imagination. This is probably why I get along with children so well. They aren't hardened by life's experiences and are able to imagine entire worlds full of wonder. 

I hear so many adults say they've lost their sense of imagination, and it makes wonder how I could function without it. It allows me to imagine a happier me..and fuels my desire to achieve it. It allows me to write music, write stories, daydream, fall asleep, see the awesomeness that is finding another human who allows themselves to free fall into that space in our mind where there is nothing but what we create in the moment. 

I've been called eccentric, a hippie, ridiculous (I love being called that), weird...the list goes on and on. Every time it happens, I respond with, "thank you!" Thank you world for reminding me that there is something in me that stands up against normal worldly expectations and reminds me that I will always be my own person. 

I write furiously like I am Harriet The Spy. I realize if I said everything I think, I'd probably be asked what medications I didn't take or if I was dropped on my head as an infant. Between all of my journals and this blog, I can only hope that someday, when I'm gone, my kids will finally read them and laugh and cry at all of the internal dialogue they never got to hear and it reminds them to FEEL. Feel everything, even when it sucks. To create their own worlds within themselves and to wonder at it all.

I don't shield myself from pain. I actually find myself wondering how much of it I can take before I literally break from it...I push that boundary every single day and it forces me to use my imagination to get through it. I don't hide from love. Whether it's familial, friendship, or unfettered love for another human. It hurts sometimes, but wow is it a feeling like no other. Pain and love are fuel for imagination.

Much of the time, people lose their imaginative ability because they are stuck in their own boundaries of safety and control. 

To that I say, "tear down this wall!!!" Wait, that was the Hoff. 

I digress. 

I'm off to flounce around in this light blue skirt and imagine what it would be like if someone came to dance with me to no music..just the laughter we make. 

This Little Light Of Mine

I can't pretend to understand the ways of the universe. I simply don't understand. It's hard to accept that life can give us so much and then take it away in a moment. 

What I do know is this... I have to try to learn to cherish the time I am given and hold on to the gift that it is. It is a mantra I repeat several times a day since you've gone. 

Charlie, you were an outstanding man. You could never know the fissure your absence has left. Every day since you've passed, I've tried to take the beautiful times we shared and lay those memories gently inside this crack in my heart to try to fill the void and dissipate the pain. 

Patience. That is my lesson in life right now. Waiting for time to dull the ache of this loss. 

My memories of our time together are all I have..but they are everything. 

Despite your own hardships, you were a light. There wasn't a day that went by that you didn't strive to tell show me how special I was. Sometimes, it was just by being a presence. Just the gentle presence that was you, standing with me in a unified way. Sometimes, it was words that would wrap themselves around my heart, feeling like a tight hug for the soul. Other times, it was glaringly obvious that your goal was to lift me up and remind me that life is better because I am a part of it. 

And my life is better because you were a part of it. No matter how much pain I feel. You will always be a light inside me. There will always be a space in my heart that beats steady and strong because it is you. 

There will never be another Squabbit, or baked potato, or Otter. You were too unique to replace. 

It's not goodbye forever, Charlie...because you'll never be truly gone. Your body may be, but the memory of you is forever.

And I am so thankful for that. 

I love you