Somethings are just wrong

Like this piece of mail I received last week.

I thought it was sweet for my insurance company to remember to send me a birthday greeting. Then I flipped it over and saw that they were reminding me for my yearly "female" exam.

Nothing says "happy birthday" like a trip to the gynecologist does it?



Looking Closely

I recently bought a new camera. Life with zoom definitely opens your eyes to some things that you wouldn't normally even pay attention to. No, I am not talking about spying on my neighbors... although...no no no I won't do that. Jeesh! What kind of person do you take me for?!
One day Kendrick asked me to go take some pictures of City Hall here in town. What we both found was amazing...and scary...and amazing. Did I mention amazing?

Bet you didn't expect to find boobs on top of a major city building did you? I was more than a little upset at the fact that they were so perky and perfect. This is NOT a realistic portrayal at all. We all know breasts are supposed to sag and that nipples do not point straight out! Wait, they can? So it's just mine that look like they belong in National Geographic??

I was also alarmed to find out that our city was built by headless zombies. This is just plain unacceptable. Zombies always get the short end of the stick.. and now I find out they were also used as slaves. I am just ashamed to be a part of this city now. Bad form Elmira, bad form.

These are just frightening. If I had to go to the police station I would already be shitting bricks...I certainly wouldn't need images of a possessed looking Native American staring blankly at me or an angry Neptune (I'm clearly guessing that's who the bottom one is) looking at me with the intent of sending my soul straight to a fiery place!

Lesson learned... whoever designed this building had issues.







It's a bargain!?

My husband loves all things that have to do with sales. Rummage sales, clearance items, estate sales...if it's something that claims to save money or if it's something no one wants anymore.. he's all over it like a fat kid on an ice cream cone. (Hey! I can say that, I was a fat kid!)

Do you have any idea what it's like when you put someone with ocd together with a person who loves STUFF? I don't keep much. Call me heartless, but I don't keep birthday cards or any cards for that matter. I haven't kept every single drawing my son has ever done. I don't have any mementos from high school. I realize this is extreme and makes me look like I have a cold and black heart. It's just the way I am. Kendrick is the complete opposite. If there has EVER been a memory associated with anything he wants to keep it.

There is really no reconciling this issue in our marriage. It's a constant back and forth of give and take. 

When Kendrick walks into a store and sees a clearance sign his eyes light up like Santa himself just appeared with a sack full of toys. We were in Rite Aid one day and in the entrance there were fleece blankets marked down to $1.00. I should have known when he disappeared where he went. Within minutes he came back to the cart with his arms full of them. The conversation that ensued went something like this:

him: Did you see how cheap these were?!

me: I saw, but what are we going to do with five fleece blankets?

him: I have no idea, but you cant pass this offer up! I think we should buy all of them!

me: Kendrick, there are probably fifteen still left in the bin..we don't need twenty fleece blankets!

him: (quickly grasping for some excuse to buy them all) We can give them for Christmas presents! We could save money on our heating bill by using them and turning the heat down! We WILL find a use for them!

me: Just put the ones in your arms in the cart and let's call it good. Please? 

him: (pouting) Fine. You don't know a good deal when you see one. 

Cue the age old conversation about how spending money is spending money..even if it's on sale. 

We got home and the blankets sat untouched for a couple days. Kendrick ran to the store one night for something unrelated and came home with five more of the damn things! I didn't say anything. I just sat blinking at him. At this point he started unwrapping them and we quickly realized that the blankets were barely bigger than a pop tart. Good thing he got ten of them because it takes five per person to cover up completely.

The same thing happens at rummage sales. During rummage sale season driving down the road becomes difficult because every sale we pass I hear Kendrick sigh. Oy! The guilt! I cave sometimes and stop at a couple so that he can get his "fix". One day he came back looking so proud of himself.
him: This is going to change your life..a guy there said it changed his!
me: Really? Do tell.
Cue this device:

 me: What the hell is that torture looking device?!
him: It's a neck traction device! you get headaches...it will change your life! The guy there said he would have been dead without it!
me: speechless
him: Don't make faces, do you even know how expensive these things are?!
me: No! I don't know, because I've NEVER seen one! Also, judging by the fact that the box looks like it's straight out of 1950, I am assuming not very much.
him: You laugh now, wait till we get this baby home and strap you into it.
Yep, that's Kendrick. He hooked it up that night and I humored him by trying it out. I felt like a complete ass sitting there with my neck being stretched like my head was about to be torn off.
We used it once. Which is more than some of the other treasures he's brought home.

Cpap Shmeepap

I was diagnosed with Central Sleep Apnea this year. Apparently my brain is too stupid to tell my body it is NOT acceptable to shut down while sleeping. I like to refer to it as my body going into hibernation...but the doctor informed me I was not a bear and that unlike bears who can live like this for a whole season, if I ignored it it would probably cause major health problems as time went on.
Before I got this wonderful (note sarcasm) machine I had to go through two sleep studies. They were a fucking joy I tell ya. Ever try to sleep when you are hooked up to fifty wires and probes? I nearly got strangled rolling over in bed during the study. Then there is the fact that you are being video recorded and there is a mic in your room so the tech can hear your every move. My biggest fear was I was going to fart (or pass gas for the weak of heart) loudly or start doing something inappropriate in my sleep. Don't judge..I am a vivid dreamer! Needless to say, I got through it and the tech never indicated that I turned into a porn star while I was sleeping.
Cue the CPAP. The doctor claimed I would sleep better, feel rested, lose weight...blah blah blah. Regardless of the amazing claims I knew I had to force myself to wear this monstrosity because I have an issue with dying.
First issue I have with it is the sheer fact that it's annoying as hell on your face and I look like something out of a sci fi movie with it on. Seriously? How does one look sexy with this contraption. You DON'T. All the makeup and lace in the world would not make it sexier. Truth is..I look like the alien from predator. Add to that the fact that I sound like Darth Vader when I try to talk. Getting turned on aren't you?
Has this device changed my life dramatically? No. Do I sleep sounder? Yes. I don't have to like it though. And I'm sure as shit not getting any skinnier.

Saving the day

Oh the classic hamburger..tell me this doesn't look yummy as hell! Unless you are a vegan or a vegetarian that is..then disregard that statement. (and I forgive you for not eating meat..but just barely) When we go out to eat I love to order my food decked out and dressed to the nines. The more veggies, the better. The more condiments, the better. I could actually leave out the bun and just eat everything else.
My husband would disagree. He eats no condiments. NONE. You wanna know how he orders a burger? You're dying to know. Admit it. When he orders a burger he says, "I'd like the biggest hamburger you have. Just the burger and the bun. No cheese, no lettuce, nothing but the burger and the bun." This is usually followed up by a look from the waitress that suggests he's crazy. Then they barrage him with questions about condiments and veggies and spices and my husband has to say "no" a thousand times till they finally understand that he means business when it comes to ordering a plain burger. Often times a waitress will just stand and stare like he has just asked her to bring him a hand-carved burger that's gold plated. He stares back blankly while she blinks at him in silence.
One would think that ordering a burger in that manner would make the cook's life easier. Last night we went out together and he placed his typical order. We sat for a while talking till they brought our food out. As usual, my husband inspects his burger like a detective looking for fingerprints at a crime scene.
Looks like a big hunk of meat sitting on a bun to me. Until he flips it over to inspect the underside. (I'm not lying..he's this serious about it being plain.) The horror on his face was priceless as he lifted the patty gingerly to look underneath. Traces of cheese where the cook obviously forgot and then scraped it off were apparent. He looked disgusted. He looked like he might cry... for a moment he put his balled up fists at his side and just sat there fuming.
He would have taken his knife and cut the bottom half off and ate the rest pissed off because this man that is so picky also has a hard time "putting people out."
I saved the day by calling a waitress over and showed her the mistake and asked her to have the cook make him a new burger. I also asked her for the cook's license plate number so I could wait outside by his car to take him out at the knees with a crowbar to get vengeance for my husband.....but she never gave it to me.