You want me to pee in what????

You ladies know what I am talking about. Men, you can just stay out of this because you have the ability to aim and this doesn't pertain to you one little bit.
We've all had to do it. You go to the doctors and they ask you to pee in a cup. Not just any cup.. a urine sample cup. Yep, the cups that are the size of a dixie cup. I dread doing this every time. It makes me laugh that they call it a "clean catch" sample. There is nothing at all clean about trying to "catch" a sample when you are a woman.
It all starts out with the cleansing towelettes they give you to make sure there is nothing on your lady bits that will contaminate the sample. I swear they put these in the freezer... they are always ice cold and as soon as I open one I take a deep breath because I know there is a very real risk of me jumping off the toilet when it touches me! For the love of all that is holy, put them in a warm environment!! Is this really so much to ask?!
The trick with doing a sample is you can't just pee in the cup. They want midstream urine. You have to START to pee then STOP then pee in the cup. This may sound easy but when you are at the doctors for a bladder infection its nearly impossible and almost always end up starting to pee on yourself while you try to position the tiny cup in the right place.
This takes me to my next complaint. Getting the cup in the right position and maintaining that position. It seems your body chooses to play games with you at this point and you start peeing in all directions. Just when you think you might be successful at getting in the right place, you realize that you are missing and completely peeing all over your hand or the outside of the cup.
At the end of it all you pray you've gotten at least a few drops in the cup and it's enough to test. There's this psychological game I have with myself. I don't want to look like a loser who can't get my aim correct and hand the nurse a sample that has an eyedropper full of pee..but I also don't like handing them a full cup either. I don't know why this is. It seems obscene to me to walk out with a cup full to the brim of yellow stuff.
This whole experience is emotionally and physically taxing. They can make TVs that can wrap around your wrist. They can fit hours and hours of hi def data on a tiny disc. BUT they can't come up with a better way for us poor women to get a urine sample.

Dad's never leaving,,,, and I'm kidnapping my mother.

My dad's a woodworker. Let me rephrase that. My dad's the most talented woodworker I have ever met. He can turn any interior into a showcase for a magazine. Typically, my dad is on the road away from his hometown working on jobs but I've had the luxury of having him in town for a bit now. I'm thinking of giving him a roofie  (Don't be sick, I know it's a date rape drug. I'm really not planning on raping my dad...now Kendrick on the other hand......) and kidnapping him to hold him hostage here to live out the rest of his days! Selfish? Of course it is! But dammit I like having my dad around! (I also hope my mother isn't reading this or my cover's blown and my plan wont work.)
Don't get me wrong here. I know this sounds crazy and depraved. That I am an adult woman who surely should get a grip and stop thinking I need Dad around to make my life complete. I realize it sounds like I have 'daddy issues'. I don't, not really, not overly anyways! It's just that he's always traveled and that his actual home is in Kentucky. My dad and mom keep trying to talk us into moving there. This is all sweet and nice but I just don't see me doing well in the south. Then there is the other issue that I am not one of those people that can just pick up everything and move away. I lack that kind of daring. The daring to face mountain lions, snakes, scorpions, and BIG spiders. (I'm not a fan of spiders. I don't kill em, but I don't want to share a bed with them either!)  Not just that though, for as much as I may bitch about snow and cold...I actually love the changing seasons here! Dad and mom tell me they have season changes there and I don't buy that. It's not really Winter without feet of snow. If I can walk outside in December without having to worry about breaking a bone and taking ten minutes to carefully walk to my car then it isn't winter.
Anyways, I don't see us moving to the South. No way, nuh uh, not gonna happen. So you can see my urgency in figuring out how I can manage to get my parents to move here. I've tried tears, begging, and reasoning. So it's getting down to the nitty gritty and I've got to come up with a plan.
Dad is already here working. So for all intents and purposes keeping him here is the challenge. My mom, on the other hand, is still in Kentucky. So real care needs to be taken here to figure how I am going to manage momnapping her and getting an adult woman back here without raising suspicion. Drugging might be an option here too. I think she might be on to it though if I randomly show up one day and say, "here, I brought you this tasty drink!" I'm going to have to get creative. So if any crazies with experience in people stealing and brainwashing are reading this, email me! I am open to suggestions!
They may not realize yet how happy they will be here. It will come in time. Oh yes, it will come in time.