Fact Or Fiction

I'm mostly described as blunt, assertive, or words associated with someone who just can't contain herself and often says things that make people look at me like I'm out of my mind. And it's true. I'm a special kind of crazy when it comes to filtering what I say to people. There's a reason for this..

I abhor lying. 

Whether it be lying by omission , little white lies, or the big lies that people tell because they are ashamed of their behavior in one way or another.

Either way you slice it, lying is THE biggest way to lose my respect for a person. 

I can't say I've never lied. I was adept at it well into my twenties. At some point though, I realized that it was extremely tiring to keep up a charade of being, doing, thinking a way I really wasn't. As I look back, I often analyze why I behaved that way. It ultimately came down to shame. I felt shameful for wanting something I shouldn't have. I felt shameful for saying what I really felt about something. You name it, I could somehow find a way to feel shame in it. 

This is a human issue. We are taught, from a young age, that the truth equates to trouble. You were honest about getting hurt and crying and told to suck it up. If adults were mean to you, you were told to respect your elders. If your family had secrets, and most do, you were told to lie to keep the secrets. There are hundreds of ways that we are taught that lying is not only acceptable behavior but preferred behavior. 

But it isn't. 

It's stifling. It gives false perceptions about who you are as a person. It encourages people to act impulsively with little thought to consequence for their behavior. It's unreality in it's purest form... and it's a way of life without even realizing it.

Let me pose this question to you: What would happen if you were brutally honest at all times? 

Are you in charge of how someone feels if you tell the truth? Are you responsible for someone's reactions in general? They are their own feelings. Feeling you are somehow responsible for another's egos, feelings, or identity is a lie. It's akin to feeling like you can control someone's favorite color. 

How much time in our life do we waste, interacting with people we just won't be honest with in saying, "we just aren't compatible in a way that I need." How much time do we waste attending events or parties that we bitch about for days before going, simply because we have to keep up an appearance? How much of our life is wasted in relationships that only exist because two people won't be honest with one another about what they really want? How much time do we spend actively having to be aware of covering lies upon lies so that we don't get caught?

My honesty has resulted in many things over the years. My circle of actual friends just gets smaller and smaller, because I find not many people can offer me the same harsh truth that I bring to a relationship. 

And I crave that. I so badly want to meet others who stand in their truth in an unwavering way and live a life of freedom as a result. 

Take a deep down look at yourself. You are good enough as you are. Your thoughts and feelings are valid to you. It doesn't matter what anyone else in the world thinks about you...on any level. Until you can understand that and stop seeking validation from others...your life will continue to revolve around the lies that make you appear as you hope to others. It's a vicious cycle and you're the engineer. 

Or you can choose to get off the merry go round that will take you nowhere and stand on your feet and walk your own path.... 

and truly live.

Grief Demon

Some of my posts are inspirational. Some are funny. Some are like this one...raw emotion that I have no place to put except on a piece of paper or on this blog. I usually keep the darker side of things a bit private, save a couple people that I really trust with my heart. Not tonight. Not on this day. I am baring myself in front of you, for no reason other than sometimes we all need to see the realness of humanity.

I am a mess.

I am sad, angry, and every other emotion that you can relate to that negative space that we all have inside of us, but rarely talk about openly. 

Grief is a multifaceted emotion. I dare say there is no emotion quite like it. At least, not in my experience. In a day, I can go from laughing with happiness to feeling a sadness so deep that it's all consuming. I try to fight it. I try to busy myself with menial tasks to keep me occupied, but it's sitting right there on my shoulder... a little demon, reminding me of that pain that will live inside me forever.

And I do believe it is forever. Perhaps, over time it the pain presents itself less and less, but it is always just waiting for a memory to spark it back to life and fuel the fire that burns you from the inside out until you are engulfed in flames. 

I know the grieving cycle, for what it's worth. I am very self aware and not afraid to reach into the depths of my feelings and see them for what they are. But grief, this is one demon that loves chaos. It loves to knock you to your knees when everything seems OK. It likes to take the wind out of your sails and leave you stranded on a vast sea with nothing in sight. It likes to remind you of what you've lost. It steals warm feelings and chills you to your core.

Grief leaves you begging for a reprieve from reality. And you don't get that option. There is no stop button on life. You can't just pause or fast forward through the hard parts. You can either choose to fight for the light that you know exists, or you can give into that voice that says, "this is too hard to survive."

I am a fighter. God, am I am fighter. I don't go down easily and I try to always see the positive in things even when it feels impossible to find a spark of light. Grief reminds me that I can't always fight my way through to the other side. Sometimes, I just have to wait it out and give into a sadness that literally makes my chest ache. It makes tears run out of my eyes with no ability to stop them.

It makes me feel like all the good in my life is behind a wall that I cannot scale.

And I fucking hate it. I hate that powerless feeling that comes over me. I hate being reminded that I am still only human and that there is something I can't fix. You can't repair grief. You can't therapy it away. You can't medicate it away. It's always there....always waiting.

Perhaps the beauty in it, and God knows I always have to go to that place of figuring out where the beauty is, is that I loved someone so much. I allowed myself to be open to a person who crawled right into my heart and rested there. 

And I'll do it again. This self perpetuating cycle of letting others in to that space that is only reserved for those that are too special to turn away from....that's what living is about. 

Some Wounds Never Heal

I often see myself as a warrior. Someone who refuses to give up when things are at their worst. I have spent a lifetime fighting back and learning how to stand, feet planted, ready to swing back.

But..

There are some invisible forces that simply can't be fought. The resilience is in recognizing them and weathering the storm they bring. No amount of fighting will stop the onslaught, but you can hold on, reach out, put on the proverbial life vest and let the waves throw you around until it subsides.

Abuse and trauma change our brains in ways that most people don't acknowledge. Scientific studies of the brains of abuse victims show thinning in certain areas of the brain. Imaging has shown that pathways in the brain can become stunted, turned off, changed. There is no lack of evidence to back up the reality of how severe abuse, neglect, and trauma can alter the brain in very real ways.

I rarely touch on my own personal experiences as a child and teen....mainly because I see no benefit in it. Rehashing what I've been through does nothing for me except bring up painful memories to ruminate on. It gets me nowhere and serves no healthy purpose.

Sometimes though, the actions or words of another can open up a can of worms and no matter how you try to see it logically, the fear and shame come washing back like a wave. And it knocks you down. I think these moments are the hardest to cope with. They are unexpected, you are unprepared, and your mind goes back into safety mode for a bit because it senses a very real danger. This is not faulty thinking, this is the result of a brain that has been hardwired to perceive certain things as threats. In a way, it's self preservation. Fight or flight.

The awareness of post traumatic stress is leaps beyond what it used to be. It is a condition that most have at least heard of. This is a good thing. What people who don't have a history of trauma don't realize though, is that it isn't something people can just go to therapy and get over. There is no magic pill that stops the hurt of it. There is nothing, literally nothing, that a person can do besides try to learn to live around it...be aware that there will be times that pain will resurface, causing all manner of feelings.

As a general population, our initial reaction to a person who is hurting, is to try to fix it. Know this, there are no words that will make it better. In fact, bombarding someone with what you may perceive as care, can make the situation worse. The guilt and shame survivors feel runs deep. When everyone senses something is wrong with said person, they are quick to try to slap a verbal band-aid on it to make it stop. These band-aids are weak and do no more than make a person feel like they are a burden that is in need of attention.

We do not want attention.

We do not want sympathy.

We are not selfish.

We have strong feelings of guilt and shame for a situation we didn't ask for.

In these moments of pain. We simply want it to stop, yet we know it never will completely.

Imagine me handing you a sharp stone and saying to you, "here, put this in your shoe. You must walk around with it against your skin..forever. Seems daunting, doesn't it? So does living with depression, anxiety, or ptsd that is caused by severe, unnatural events. For some, it hits at odd times. For others, it is a daily struggle.

If you see someone is hurting, don't assume you can fix it. It's admirable that you may want to. You can't. Instead, ask how you can help, listen..don't give advice, be a silent support and hold them if they'll let you. If not, hold them in your heart and just try to understand that it isn't you. You didn't cause this, nor can you fix it.

Hurt people are some of the most beautiful souls on this Earth. Their internal scars are a network that is often woven into a soft net for others...because they know what it's like to be hurt to their core. Love them. 

The Silent Abuse: Parent Alienation

Few divorces or separations end well. This is just a sad truth that is exhibited in behaviors that are a trend among people who split up. It's not uncommon to see two people who spent meaningful time together, tear each other down when something goes wrong. You may call it natural human behavior or you may see it how I see it, childish.

Regardless of how the two people feel about each other in the end, there is a poisonous side effect of this behavior that is potent and harmful when a child is involved. It is called parent alienation, and it's happening in epidemic proportions.

It is silently encouraged by a broken court system that still gives mothers more rights than fathers due to outdated beliefs about gender roles and out of date laws regarding them between a father and a mother. To say this doesn't happen to mothers would be a lie. It is important to note though, that statistically, the problem is more likely to happen to a father.

Parent Alienation is defined as this:
The process, and the result, of the psychological manipulation of a child into showing unwarranted fear, disrespect or hostility towards a parent and/or other family members. It is a distinctive and widespread form of psychological abuse and family violence—towards both the child and the rejected family members—that occurs almost exclusively in association with family separation or divorce. (as cited by wikipedia)

Did you read all of that? I'm hoping you did. I'm also hoping that you caught the part about it being a widespread form of abuse against children and parents.

I have encountered this on so many occasions through both professional and personal interactions with families. Every time I encounter it, I see the same devastating, harmful impact it has on them. For the sake of this blog, I will focus primarily on the impacts of this on a child.

When a parent demeans another parent, limits contact with a child, takes them away from the other parent, or in any way.. takes a childs ability away have a healthy loving relationship with the other parent, they are abusing their child. Period. Unless it is a proven fact that the alienated parent is harmful for a child due to being abusive, there is no reason a child should be denied the human right to not be a pawn in a sick game of power that results in them losing a key person in their lives and social development.

Parent Alienation Syndrome is a very real problem among children who are put in this position. Although more aptly called a type of relationship dysfunction rather than a mental illness, it is still proven to cause long lasting trauma and social dysfunction in a child.

When one parent treats and coaches a child in a way that causes them to have a false set of beliefs about another parent, it is manipulation on a deeply psychological level.

When one parent moves their children away and cuts off all or most contact with a child's other parent, they are choosing to treat their children as objects rather than the human beings they are.

All of this for power. Abusing their children for their own ego's sake. Ruining the chances of healthy relationships with others because they want to prove a point to their ex and will stop at nothing to do so.

If we, as a parent, manipulate our children into false sets of beliefs about the world around them and the people in it, we stunt their growth as individuals and give them a very warped perception of how to interact with others.

Children in this situation often develop anger problems, physical ailments, depression, and severe anxiety.. because they are battling that voice in their head that tells them whats real. It is an all out war, internally, between the core want of the love of two parents and the programming that has been used to tell them it's wrong to want that.

Why are we allowing this to happen? Sitting silently with our hands folded in our laps while the legal system and bitter, unhealthy parents essentially rape the minds of children. How can we, as loving humans, watch this unfold and not acknowledge it for what it is? Child abuse.

No, we may not have the power to completely change a broken court system...but we do have the power to start talking about this openly. We have the ability to impact one person's life by just being aware of it and sharing information like this to those who are experiencing it or are actively involved in alienating their child from another parent.

It's time to start calling this out. It's time to say, "I see this and I will not stand for it." It's time to show children that they deserve more respect than what they have been shown. It's time to give them their power back as individuals that have a deep want at their core to only be loved and love their parents without influence and lies.

I trust that you would not stand by silently as a parent physically beat their child. Make the choice to not stay quiet about psychological abuse as well. Be a voice for a child when they are being silenced by fear of backlash and disappointment.

To those of you going through this.. my heart aches for you and your babies. I have encountered this too many times to not see the horrible ways it eats at you until depression becomes a very real problem. I ask you, as a parent, to keep fighting...tirelessly..to make it right. Not just for your own sake, but for your child's as well. You both deserve much more.