I've battled depression..in fact, I dare say it's something I will always have to fight on some level. Depression and anxiety are like shadows that follow me around. Some days, the sun is bright and if I stand just right..they disappear below me. Other days, they follow me around and just like Peter Pan, I fail to catch them and pin them down.
For the first time in my life, I'm the one looking in on depression. I'm watching it's hold on someone I love dearly. In fact, I'm watching it's hold on two someones I love dearly. I'm watching it lie to them, deceive them, and slowly work them into that stranglehold of sadness.
And for the first time in my life, I realize, I can't fix this. I can't love it out of them. I can't hug it out of them. Nothing I say or do can make this go away. All I can do is hold their hand, as long as they let me, and make a promise that I'm here to anchor them in the light until they can pull themselves out of the darkness.
It's like watching a movie, except the actors are people that have a part of my heart.
I try to stay conscious of what it was like for me to be where they are. I try to remember that feeling of losing myself, of hating myself, of feeling guilty for being sad. Mostly, I remember what a scary scary place it is to be and that hope is but a light in the distance and you are clawing towards it...on the good days. On the bad days it's almost impossible to see that light and you curl up into yourself and those shadows cover you like a blanket and whisper terrible things in your ear.
"You're worthless. You're a burden on everyone that loves you. You are going crazy. Maybe you should make it stop. There are people that have it worse than you, you have no right to be sad. You don't deserve to be happy. You are a terrible person. Do you not see how death would end all of the noise in your head?"
The empathetic part of me cries for my loved ones. The patient part of me is gentle and understanding. Sometimes, the selfish part of me wants to scream because I miss them. I miss their smiles, their affections, the ease of just laughing with them, waking up and knowing what to expect will happen and finding comfort in the routine of them.
I have to remind myself that this.... this feeling of anger that depression is trying to steal another life...is nothing compared to the battle they are in. It's literally, nothing. The pain I feel for them is nothing compared to their own pain...and that is a slap in the face of reality.
But I continue to love. I continue to encourage and I wake up every day knowing that I have to put on that armor of love and I have to fight that good fight to keep their fingers wrapped tightly around mine until that blessed moment when I feel them squeeze back and they emerge back into the light.
Until you see that light, try to hear my words when you are able to.
I love you, with every fiber of my being.
You are worthy.
You are still that same beautiful being that I've always known.
I am here, and will be here, no matter what that takes.
You are not broken.
You are valuable to this world.
You have to hang on and not let go, even when your shadows tell you to...because soon, sooner than you know, those shadows will be under your feet and you will dance again.
