The problem with this statement is that most parents don't really mean it. They spend their whole lives telling them they are capable, smart, talented... all the things they need to hear, yet a parent's behavior can send a completely opposite message.
I want to preface this by saying I am a firm believer in teaching boundaries, ethics, responsibility, etc. Those traits are important to foster. So please do not misconstrue what I am about to say.
We tell our children they can be whomever they wish to be, and then spend their entire childhood treating them like little soldiers that need to march a path that we deem "appropriate" for them. Children and teens are so controlled by their parents that they do not know how to be an individual. We do not teach them how to think independently. We do not teach them that mistakes are important. We do not teach them how to problem solve without our guidance.
In short, we teach our children that they must be a version of what our expectations are for them.
My daughter was, and still is, phenomenal at challenging my thinking as a parent. It's something I've always appreciated about her. I did not parent in a way that was black and white. If she raised a well thought out counter point to something I said, I would take it into consideration, and we would discuss it as equals. I often reminded her that her life was indeed her own to make what she would of it. One day, as a teenager, we were discussing this as we often did. She looked at me and said, "what if I want to grow up to be a prostitute?" It was at this point that I realized the full weight of my words, "you can be whatever you want."
There I sat. Silent. Contemplating my next move. Was I going to look at my daughter and tell her that I take it back? I didn't mean what I had been telling her all her life? Or was I going to trust in her ability to do what was best for her... despite how much I wanted to tell her she shouldn't even consider prostitution as an option.
It was a tense moment.
I finally said to her, "If you chose to work in the sex industry, it would be hard for me to accept, because I would worry about your safety, but I would never stop loving you or supporting you if you chose it."
And I meant it.
She had no plans to do so at the time. She was simply testing her limits of autonomy, her sense of control over her own self.
She taught me a powerful lesson that day.
The weight of our words and actions with our children often defines how capable they will be at being independent and free thinkers that thrive as individuals.
How often do you see parents tell their children that they must follow a specific path? For example, you must have a diploma/college/career, to be successful? How often do we hear parents discourage their children from being unconventional? More so, how often do we hear parents tell their children that success is measured by the amount of money they will make, the degrees they get, the normalcy they exhibit in society?
What if we, as parents, meant the phrase, "you can be whatever you wish to be" and then allowed them to really live that to fruition?
The reason a parent so often chooses to squash this freedom is because they fear their children will fail, but failure is a subjective idea. What I consider a failure for myself, may not be a failure for someone else. If my personal agenda is to have 'x' amount of income, it is not a failure if someone else doesn't have the same goal. Why then, should our personal goals have to be met by our children? We don't look at our peers and say, "John doesn't make the same amount of money I do, he is a complete failure." "Sally doesn't work a first shift job, she's clearly not working a good job." So why do we feel the need to have an agenda for our children? Why can our peers make choices based on their wants, but not our kids?
To put it simply, it is pride. Parents look at their children as extensions of themselves.
But they are not. They are their own unique individual.
Unless we, as a society, start treating them as such, we will continue to see young adults failing in all aspects of work and social life. If we do not allow them to think for themselves, if we continue to push our agendas on them, they will always be lost when it comes to critical thinking as an adult.
Next time your child challenges your thinking, listen. Encourage them to formulate thoughts on their own. Stop taking their hands and dragging them down your path. Yes, they will have moments where they trip and fall on the trail they are blazing....
but they will also know they are strong enough to get back up and try again.
