The Biggest Regret

Life is full of regrets. We all have them. When someone we love is dying, we regret that we haven't spent more time with them. When someone we love feels hurt, we regret how our actions may have caused that. When we lose at something, we regret not having tried harder.

Humans, by design of society, are guilt ridden creatures. 

And while some regrets push us to strive harder, there are some regerts that are overlooked, because we are taught to ignore them. We are told that if we aren't giving to others, loving others, making exceptions for others, compromising with others at all times.. we are selfish. 

Yet the worst regret one could possibly have is not putting themselves first. 

I own this one. I am a living embodiment of giving before taking, putting other's wants before mine, thinking about how to make others happy before I think of my own happiness. If selflessness were a sin, I've created my own hell in which to atone for it. 

I don't deserve a medal for it, as much as the world will tell you that being selfless is a sign of enlightenment. It's not always. Sometimes, it's a self imposed burden to carry around. It is a weight that is tied around our necks that drags us down and leaves us feeling more than unhappy with our existence. 

There is a saying about first putting on your own oxygen mask in a crashing plane, because if you don't, you can't help others. 

This is true. Just as true as the saying about not being able to pour from an empty vessel. 

I've spent most of my life being an empty vessel. I don't want sympathy for it. I did it to myself. I have surrounded myself with vultures who peck at me until I am bone. I have allowed others to count on me when I couldn't even count on myself. I have shown strength for others and then have had meltdowns because I had no strength to deal with my own stuff. 

I am, by in large, a codependent person.. my behavior has been textbook. 

The problem with making other's happiness a priority is that our own needs, wants, and goals become skewed. We adjust our own selves to comply with the societal norms that tell us that this is a loving way to behave. We buy into the belief that by giving all we have, we are better people.

We are not. In fact, it makes us smaller. 

Spending so much energy on the growth of others, steals our own ability to grow. It takes the marrow out of our bones and makes us brittle, small, damaged, easily broken.

The last few years for me have been a rebuilding of my own self. I have fought the constant urge to fulfill everyone's wants of me. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I am right back to the codependent creature. It is a never ending struggle of balance. 

The key word in this is honesty. Honesty with yourself and everyone in your life. Do I want to do this? Do I like this? Does this help ME? Does this hurt me? Do I have enough to give right now? 

And most importantly:

Am I giving this person more than I am receiving? (back to the empty vessel reference)

Love, in all it's forms, is a two way street. It's a balancing act of giving and taking. It has to be. Without that balance, one person winds up empty. 

As of late, I am feeling very empty. I take responsibility for this. I have been less than honest with myself. It is a result of giving too much and getting nothing in return... and allowing it. It's time to make some changes in my own behavior again. 

It is time to put on my own oxygen mask, sit back, and breathe. 

Because my plane is crashing. 

Free Falling

I'm a tightrope walker. We all are. Everything in life is a balancing act.

Except sometimes, there is no safety net. There is nothing and no one to catch you. Sometimes this is necessary for growth. Sometimes, it's self imposed independence. And then there are times when you realize that the people you counted on, just aren't there to hold your hand, catch you, hold you... all of the things that make relationships a two way street. Going further than that, sometimes you just stop caring if you fall.

I used to be scared of death, loss, and of failing in general. The great big void beneath my little tower of comfort was terrifying. I didn't step to the edge and look down at it. If I felt a strong breeze shake my foundation, I cowered and reached for something or someone that made me feel safe.

Then, without warning, everything that was my security, fell apart. Gone. In a moment my whole life was turned upside down, and I was left falling into that dark void with only my own will to stop the descent. I made it through... again and again.

But my tower of safety was smaller with every success. The distance between myself and that darkness, narrowed, never the same as it was. Reality and all that comes with it, made me acutely aware that I was not immune to hurt, heartache, death, loss... all of the scary things in life. I became AWARE.

As time goes on, my tower shrinks.

There are times when I walk to that edge and just stare down... hoping a strong wind will knock me off. There are times when I try to build my tower taller, and it feels like no matter how many stones I place on top of another, I will never get back to that place of ignorance. That place where life was pretty, hopeful, full of wonder at what could be.

I am merely surviving at times. Going through the motions as I am expected. I get lost in my head to the thoughts that devour my happiness... my hopefulness. Sometimes it scares me, but it's the times when I am not scared that I realize that I have become a product of life.

I am not implying that I don't feel or want happiness. I do. I want both, in great measure. The big truth is that happiness is fleeting. It is but a drop in a bucket of every emotion and event that makes up our existence. To think or believe that I could live in a place of constant joy, is farcical.

So, while I'm not actively hoping to fall.. I am okay with it. I am okay with that great big tumble back into the void that is discovery and death, all at once.

Because as I've said before,

I will always get back up.. until life decides to take my breath from my body.

There is no other option for me, as much as I sometimes wish there was.

Soul Weary

I'm struggling with this. I wish I could point a finger at someone and pass the blame on.

But I can't, cause it is my fault entirely.

It's a cyclical problem caused by allowing myself to care too much, love too deeply, give more than I should. It's caused by having dreams and joy and a hope that someone, somewhere, can match my level of emotional investment in the awareness of the greater consciousness we all are a part of.. and that they would match their emotional investment in me, as much as I do them.

And it's ridiculous. It's a silly notion to believe that at the end of the day, people aren't going to choose to put their ego and wants before anything else. That's human nature, isn't it? We are all taught to do what feels good, sometimes despite other's feelings, and sometimes at the cost of other's feelings.

I'm not implying I'm more evolved, better, or more self aware than others. I am who I am, and you are who you are. We are not better or worse than one another. We are just different.

But, like seeks out like. Therein lies the problem.

When your heart is tender and empathic, it is easily bruised by the rigors of existence as a whole. It's like trying to fit a square peg in a circular hole. You can sometimes force it, but the end result causes a squeezing of the core of you. Instead of moving freely within the space, you become stuck.

I am stuck. I'm stuck in a world that is largely circular, and I'm the square peg.

And I'm tired. I am deep down tired. I am tired of finding myself here. I am tired of holding hope that others will want to be self aware. I am tired of the giving, the doing, the waiting for reciprocation.

I am responsible for my own happiness. This is what we are told. You can't rely on others to bring you joy. Yet, in the same breath, we are social creatures who are driven by instinct. That instinct is not solitude. Some of our basic needs are love and acceptance. How do we reconcile those two very different thought patterns?

I wish I knew. Some days are clearer than others. Some days, I can say, "forget what other's want.. I am doing what I want." Most days though, I am not built to do that. My compassion for my fellow man is too strong, and I become invested too much. I empty my own vat of energy and pour it into others... and I am left hollow.

Right now, today, I am tired. I am empty.

I feel like I have no more to give.

But I will. I always do.

Just not this day.

Grief and Time... They are independent of each other.

As I get older, I am acutely aware of time and how fast it goes. Every year is eventful in it's own way, but some years stand out apart from the others. 2016-2017 has really been a year of events that forever changed me in profound ways. 

It was a year of loss, grief, joy, discovery, growth.. So many things, all linked in some crazy ways. While I wouldn't change where I am at right now (on most levels), there are certainly events that I wish I could have changed in some ways. 

Yes, I know that's not a sign of true acceptance. I'm well aware of that. But, I have come to understand that there are just certain situations in our lives that hurt on a grand level. The kind of hurt that doesn't just go away with any amount of reasoning. It takes hold at your very core and wraps itself around your heart like fine tendrils of vines. They can be beautiful and strangling. 

As many of you know, I lost someone I loved. Tragically. Horribly. Instantly. 

What most of you don't know is how it has changed me as a person. Even as a person who has worked years in the mental health field, I can not rationalize this away. I can't make my grief go away. It is something that I will carry forever, on some level. 

I have been sitting on this blog entry for several months. Knowing I wanted to talk about it, but not knowing how. Just knowing that as a whole, I have found that most people who haven't had this experience, think that you should just get over it. Things happen for a reason. 

No. Sometimes, terrible things just happen. There is no reason. There is no making it okay. 

You just learn to live with it inside of you. Sometimes, gracefully. Sometimes, barely.

Charlie's death changed my world. Yes, in so many ways it has opened amazing doors and brought me closer to people that I would have otherwise never had in my life. And for that, I am so grateful. I am. I thank him all the time for who his leaving brought into my life. If he were here, he'd be so happy about it.. because always at the end of the day, he only ever wanted me to feel loved... and I do, by some of the people he loved and admired. 

These feelings do not supersede any of the other's though. 

Each facet of grief is it's own living entity. Unique unto itself. 

So with these feelings of immense thankfulness and joy, are the other feelings. The feelings of regret, sadness, forever questioning if somehow, some way, I could have stopped his death. I have talked to a therapist. I have written in my own personal journal to the point of me being sick of my own thoughts. I have talked to those I love about it. I have literally asked Charlie to somehow, if there is an afterlife, give me some sign that will convince me that this is what he wanted. That I, in no way, had any influence on his life ending. 

That answer will never come. It will never. fucking. come. 

And I will have to always live with that thought. 

I've counseled families and individuals through times of loss and grief. I am no stranger to it.... but nothing but experiencing death on this level, made me so aware of how pervasive it really is, how crushing it is, or how intrusive it can be at times. 

I have come leaps. I have. I'm not implying I'm stuck in grief mode all of the time. But it is there. It will always be there on some level, waiting to catch me off guard. 

So I say this to you, as a fellow human. If you are hurting because you lost someone.. I am sorry. I am so sorry. Know that no matter what anyone tells you, your feelings are valid. Your hurt is real. It's okay to feel so happy with life right now and then sometimes feel bad that you do. It's okay to feel every emotion you feel.

Also know this. Not everyone will understand or even support you. Many people will insist that there is a time frame for grief. There isn't. Some people will make you feel as though you have to hide it because it makes them uncomfortable. You don't. Some people will even make you feel as though you are wrong for finding things that make you happy while still being able to smile about how the person you lost made you happy. You do not have to bury your memories with the person you loved. Ever. It is not a competition. Each relationship with a friend, family member, lover, is unique in it's own way. 

It's been more than a year... and here I sit, writing this and feeling like even this could never adequately encapsulate everything I feel. 

But it's all I have. These are the only words I have.  

Exclusion By Default

No one chooses to have a legitimate disability. No one. Are their people who will feign a disability for money or attention? Yes. The difference between the two is obvious and they are not comparable or synonymous.

Having a disability goes much deeper than the simple fact that there are just certain things that a disability changes about a person's abilities to live normally in the world as it is. It is pervasive on an emotional level.

There is not a part of life that it doesn't somehow reach it's fingers into. That's just the way it is. We have to learn to cope, adapt, make decisions based on what our disability allows.

Something that is ultimately frustrating and very common in the life of a person with a disability, is exclusion. Whether it is done intentionally or unintentionally. It hurts. Every time, it hurts. Not only is it a very lonely feeling, we wrestle with the reality that it is unfair to expect those in our lives to also give up things simply because we can't do them. We feel like a burden, a kill joy, and a pariah. So we stay silent, for the most part, about how we feel emotionally when we are excluded. This is not to be a martyr.. it is default behavior. It is a coping skill we use in order to take the burden off of others.

But, it is a lonely place to be. No matter how many times it happens, no matter the duration of the exclusion...it hurts every time. There is just no two ways about it. Normal social emotions lend us to wanting to be involved and part of our crowd. It's a natural feeling. We have to shove that feeling down, a lot.

Going one step further... it is frustrating when those in our lives suggest alternative ways for us to still do an activity that we know is something we can't manage. It is common for someone with a disability to get loads of suggestions about things we should try to be more normal. This type of behavior is a slap in the face. It suggests that we haven't tried to think of every single possibility there is in order to be involved, to take that emotional burden off of those we love and ourselves, to be NORMAL.

I have a disease called Reflexive Sympathetic Dystrophy. I do not say this for attention. For the love of God, that's the last thing I want. I say this to let you know, I am not speaking from a place of inexperience. This is my life. This is also my burden to carry, along with anyone else who has a disability.

I used to be an avid hiker, camper, outdoors lover. This disease has limited my ability to do those things to a degree that was extremely depressing at times. I still struggle with the loss of activities that I loved.

The list of things I can still do, far outweigh the list of things I can't. I am thankful for that.

But I feel compelled to talk about this. Not for my own sake, but for the awareness this brings in general.

I am not asking you to change your behavior for me or anyone else. I am asking you to simply consider the other side of the coin when interacting with a disabled person. Think about exclusion. Think about what it would be like to have your abilities taken from you. Think about the sheer amount of letting go and giving up a person has to do because their disability dictates that. Trust a person when they say, "I'm sorry, but I'm not able to do that." Do not question them, give suggestions, make them feel like they don't know what is best for themselves. Chances are, they've wrestled with every feeling to get to the point of accepting the "I can'ts."

The Waxing And Waning Of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

I can't remember the last time my mind felt quiet. It seems that since the beginning of my life (that I consciously remember), I have always felt like there is a constant barrage of words and pictures always playing in my head. It's like being on a highway where billboards line the side of it. Flashes of bits and pieces that are sometimes poignant and sometimes just noise.

Sometimes the only way to make it quieter is to cry. It's almost as if the act of crying shuts down enough of the noise that I can come to a place of ease... for a while.

No, I'm not psychotic. I am just mentally engaged with so many things on so many levels. Rarely do things escape my hearing, my sight, my attention on some level.

There's always the waxing and waning of this process. During times of stress, there is a cacophony of noise, and I would give anything to drown it out. In times where life is going smoothly, it seems more orchestrated. Yet no where between the waxing and the waning is it ever just...quiet.

I see people "zone out" and wonder at the sheer ability to do that. I wish I could do that.

I have obsessive compulsive disorder.

Not the kind that society portrays as funny. I'm not going to go off the deep end if the bag of skittles has more reds than greens. I'm not going to break down into a fit of tears if someone is wearing socks that don't match. I'm certainly not going to lose my grip if the tea towels aren't perfectly aligned.

Although there is an element of cleaning and order to what I experience (people that know me would probably argue that it's more than just an element)... it's more of an intrusive voice that tells me that if I don't do a certain thing, change a certain thing, follow a certain pattern.. that I will obsess over it until it's right. And I do. That obsessing turns into a compulsion to "fix" it. To make it right.

Logically, there is no right number of times to kiss someone goodbye. I know this. OCD tells me that if it isn't an odd number of kisses, something bad will happen to the person I love after they leave. So I count kisses and ask for one more if it's an even number.

Logically, I know that if I skip the vacuuming, dusting, dishes, and all the other cleaning for one night...it will be OK. The house will still stand and no one will think I'm a horrible person. OCD tells me that if I don't, I am a failure. So I clean, sometimes when I'm too tired or sore or sick....because I can't shut that negative thought off till I do.

Logically, I know that it's healthy and sufficient to brush and floss twice a day. OCD tells me that my teeth are going to fall out, my breath stinks, my teeth are yellowing. So I do it so much some days, that it hurts.

Having worked in the mental health field, I know damn well why all of this exists. Short of spilling the sordid details of a sick and twisted childhood, to the masses.. all I can say is that the knowing why doesn't make it go away. It just means I understand why it exists.

The more I challenge my thoughts and compulsions, the more anxious I become. It is a natural result of telling my brain, "no, I won't give in." And I try to do this often, but it's so tiring. To constantly be at war with oneself is exhausting and there are times I wish I had the power to go back in time and make the child me experience a normal life. One that wasn't full of trauma.

But I can't.

The reality is, this is me. OCD is as much a part of me as my heartbeat is.

I find myself feeling guilty for people that love me and whom I am the closest to. There are only a few. They see me, stripped of pride, and begging for safety when I feel lost. They see my tears of utter frustration at myself and my thinking. They see me try, try, try, and fail again...only to get up and try some more.

Because here's the truth: I won't ever give up. Even when I feel like it's too much. It's not in me to give up. I know that the moments of happiness in life, far outnumber the moments of pain. I know that even though I may seem crazy to others, there are those that I inspire..and for them..I have to keep going. I know that there are countless others who struggle like I do, and I keep going for them. It's a passive way of saying, "you got this..we can do this."

And I can do this. One step at a time.

For the rest of my life.

Facebook Friends

Some of you, I have met and have known for years. Some of you, I've yet to meet in person. And some of you, I will only ever get to interact with you on social media. No matter what our status is in regards to having met in person, I have come to enjoy your presence, however big or small it is, in my life.

Facebook is so many different things to people.

For me, it is an fountain of creativity...whether yours or mine. It is a way to express ourselves as we wish. It's a way to share our happiest and sometimes saddest moments in our lives. It's a network unmatched by any other social media.

Of course, that comes with it's own possible problems..but everything in life is that way. There is always the good and bad.

I'm choosing to focus on the good.

And the good is all of you. The people that make me laugh. The people that inspire me to do better. The people that stand in their truth and own their words. People that post thought provoking things. People that challenge my own thinking. People that share their families and lives with me because their pride in them is so strong.

All of you make social media what it is meant to be..for me anyways.

What you don't get to see is me scrolling through my feed and feeling so many feelings as I do. Stopping to think. Stopping to laugh hard. Taking a second to cry for someone who is in pain. Sharing a moment of joy that something happy or momentous has happened in your life. You don't see that the empathic part of me feels connected to a group of positive and creative people..and I need that. I crave it.

So this is not a post about how I'm 'cleaning out my friends list' or 'if you don't respond, I'll think you don't care.'

This is just me, saying thank you for being you and sharing parts of you with me.

My Life As A Pioneer Woman

Disclaimer: This post is for entertainment purposes. If you are a true homesteading woman, I give you all the respect. You, good lady, are made of stronger stuff than me.

I've been spoiled my entire life by having a home that heats with the turn of a knob. Sure, you have to pay out the wazoo for it, but boy, on a cold night, it's oh so wonderful.

When Sir and I were first together, I looked at the woodstove with longing. It was summer, and I remember feeling excited about the work it involved. The sheer joy I would get from knowing I was going to get the opportunity to chop wood and heat the house with my own two hands. I had spent years romanticizing pioneer life. I was obsessed with it from a young age. I read hundreds of books about it.

*Pause for hysterical crying caused by the jolt of reality smacking you in the face.*

After having used this thing for months, I have come to the realization that it's not the warm and sweet situation I had pictured. Allow me to give you a list of Sparrow's Top Ten Reasons That Woodstoves Suck:

But first, let me go add more wood to the fire.

1. I'm going to just put this right out there. I do NOT have the muscles of a lumberjack. Don't get me wrong, I am strong in many ways, but not in the wood chopping way. When I swing an axe, I barely make a mark in a log. If you had to compare the dents in the wood to the tread on a tire, I would fail inspection every time. I JUST SUCK. My muscles are definitely more suited to pushing a vacuum or kneading dough. Therefore, the job I looked so forward to, I have now deemed as Sir's job. He can have it. I will stick with the lady like jobs.

2. Speaking of axes. Let me axe you a question. (hahahaha, puns) Have you ever wielded an honest to goodness axe for the purpose of murdering a log? If you haven't, then you have no idea of the sheer terror it brings. Every time I lift the thing over my head, I feel like I'm going to sink it into the dog's head or my leg. I have zero control over that thing. I watch in wonder as Sir can bring it down with ease and hit his target like he's a freaking marksman. When I watch the wood split like butter on a hot knife, I'm both amazed and angry at him for being so capable. What a jerk. (love you, Sir!)

3. Ashes. Freaking ashes and dust everywhere. I hope you non woodstove people enjoy only having to dust on occasion. I do that shit almost every day. (I allow myself a break on the weekends...sometimes.) That picture above is a joke. No one that owns one of these things has a house that is impeccably dust and debris free.

4. You know that lovely smell of a summer camp fire? You walk out of the woods feeling refreshed, like you have just had an affair with mother nature. It's calming. When you burn wood in your home for heat, you smell like that all the time. Your hair, your clothes, your skin... everything smells like you are existing in a structure that is constantly on fire. Roast a marshmallow over me an call me toast.

5. Back to the cleaning. (I have ocd, this is a huge thing for me..so just deal) I also have to vacuum every day, sometimes multiple times a day. By some magic of nature, every time you handle a piece of wood, chips fly everywhere and stick in the carpet like tiny little needles just waiting to torture you. That shit doesn't always just vacuum up. Sometimes I have to get on my hands and knees and pull the splinters out one by one, the whole time cursing at the stove.

6. Burns. I have scars. SCARS. My beautiful, delicate hands now look like I smelt metal for a living. It's not just my hands. It's my forearms and wrists as well. If I had a superpower, it would be burning myself. I just hope that someday, scars become a trend..cause I would then be super cool.

7. I should have a degree in medicine, or at least in splinter removal. My fingertips have callouses from all the splinter removal surgeries I have performed on myself. Move over tweezers, I'm gonna need a knitting needle.

8. About 99% of people who say they sell 'seasoned firewood' lie. They lie like they are politicians. Do you have any idea what a chore it is to try to burn wood that is even slightly green? DO YOU?!! (sorry, I'm passionate about this.) It nearly takes an act of God to get it to light and stay lit. You have to stand over it, pray, do a ritualistic dance, and offer a blood sacrifice IN HOPES it will work out. And it wont.

9. I'm not going to lie. There IS something calming about being in a room where you hear the crackling wood and feel the warmth of the stove as you snuggle on a couch. Know what's not so calming? Leaving that room and going into a tile bathroom where the heat doesn't reach and putting your warm tuckus on an ice cold toilet seat. Nope. It's about as fun scraping dog poop off of the bottom of a heavily treaded boot.

10. Set it and forget it. If only. As you turn the knob on your thermostat once a day to get that toasty warmth we all want, I'm up constantly putting more wood on, poking around with an iron rod to stir things up, opening and closing dampers, begging it to just stay lit FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY.

All in all, I'm not ungrateful for the woodstove. I actually do appreciate it for the warmth it gives.

But I will never.... NEVER AGAIN...walk into someone's house who has one and say, "oh, you must love using a woodstove! I've always wanted one! How lucky." I will shake their hands in solidarity as I say, "bet you can't wait till winter is over, huh?"

When Love Escapes You Again and Again

Everyone wants to be loved, to love, to have that relationship with another soul that makes you feel like loneliness is a distant bad dream that will never knock at your door again.

But not everyone is ready for it. Not everyone knows what love really looks like. Too many people just want it NOW and will go to any length to try to wrestle it into submission, only to claim a victory that really isn't a victory at all. Love does not happen overnight. We are no longer young children with a limited depth of understanding of what love entails.

This is going to be an honest post. I'm not, by any stretch of the imagination, a love guru. I'm just a human being with flaws like everyone else... but I do know that loving myself first, respecting myself, has put me in a position to love in a very real way and be loved in a very real way.

When you are single, the search for companionship can be come so consuming that it leads to behavior that destroys any possibility of lasting, meaningful relationships. You chase. You present yourself in a way that is not the real you in order to impress another person. You make sacrifices that demean your own values and morals... all for a possibility.

Stop.

Being alone isn't always fun. Sometimes being alone means facing our demons in a way that we don't when we are surrounded by others. It is essential work, though. Taking the time to learn where we are going wrong, what we REALLY want, and learning to be content in our own skin, is all part of building yourself up to be ready to share your heart. Until you do this work, history will repeat itself because you are looking for another person to fulfill that which only you can fulfill.

No one will take you, wonderful you, seriously.. until you can stand up alone, and say for certain that you have your own back.

Someone who is really emotionally ready to settle down does not want to be chased. They don't need that from you. They don't need your validation in order to know that you are the right one for them. They will just know. Chasing someone only makes you look desperate. Desperation causes people to behave in ways that aren't conducive to longevity. It makes us do things that fulfill a want in the present moment. So take a deep breath and know that you don't need to stoop to a level of desperation in order to prove yourself.

It's fun to be fun, but it's not fun to be a play thing. Feel like you are being objectified, sexualized, or that if you don't throw yourself physically at people that you aren't being noticed? Chances are good that you've taught yourself to settle for false affection because you feel it is a better alternative than no affection. The truth in this is that if you willingly offer your body to someone without building an emotional bond, there is no reason for the other person to feel they need to work for you or your love. There is something to be said for waiting. Not only does it show that you value an emotional connection more than a physical one, it shows that you have control over your own self and that in itself is sexy.

Earn trust and wait for another to earn yours. This does not happen quickly. It is the slow passage of time where our behavior speaks for itself in a way that proves that trust has been established. Without this, you are building on a foundation of sand. It will erode quickly with the smallest amount of rain.

Be your own self. Have your own hobbies and interests. No one wants a clone. It is not appealing to meet someone and have them mimic your behavior in order to garner your attention. You not only steal their uniqueness, you send the message that you are also not unique. Two people do not need to be exact replicas in order to work. In fact, a relationship can become quite stale if two people have no space to be different. The saying that opposites attract, can be very true in many ways because it causes an intrigue that might not otherwise be there.

Love is beautiful, there is no doubt. It feels amazing. It feels safe and warm and all of those things that make a person smile inside...

Just remember that loving yourself is the only way to succeed in loving someone else.

A Mama's Letter To Her Daughters

Aria and Akuma,

Two of the loves of my life. I never thought that I would be blessed with one daughter, let alone two. Aria, you came into my life at a time when I was still learning how to adult. (I'm still working on that) Akuma, you came into my life when I least expected it..and with you, your beautiful baby boy. My experiences with how I came to be a mama to you may be different between you, but it matters little. You are both the women of my heart.

There will never be words to describe what it has been like watching you grow into the women you have, but I can try.

Aria, you are my free spirit. You are wind and the water. Unpredictable and given to changes like a little faerie. You float about life on the breeze. You can become a force of nature when needed and that same cool breeze that feels refreshing, can turn into a tempest that can cause the water to rise and create mountains out of waves. You, my child, were born of nature, and it is always apparent. You are my wild child.

Akuma, you are my grounded soul. You are fire and earth. When you came to live with me it took a lot of soul searching to remember the spark that was inside you. I needed only to softly blow on it to keep it from extinguishing until you took it in your own hands and turned it into the fire inside you that you carry now. You are my logical child. You're feet have found the earth and you run, free, on a trail that you are blazing all on your own.

We have been to hell and back together. There were times that our foundation of love was tested, and we only grew to love and respect each other more. You two always talk about how I am your strength, perhaps you don't see that I feel the same about you.

There is a beautiful cycle of loving, nurturing, needing, and providing between the three of us. With all things in life, our relationships phase through this cycle..each of us providing and taking in turn. Just as there have been times when you've needed me to hold your hands and remind you of the mighty women you are, you have done the same for me.

You are my laughter. You two have brought so me so much joy. We have laughed until we couldn't breath. You remind me that even when the world is harsh, there are those that make it a beautiful place to be. I live for the times that we have to share our secrets and our feelings and our desires for our lives. The bonds we share are stronger than the most perfect amalgamation of metals that have formed an unbreakable union.

You two are at a precarious point in your lives. Both twenty years old, and both very much trying to understand where they are going. I see the joy in it...but I also see the fear in it. I see you wanting more, grasping for things that will create your identity on a grand scale. I see when your plates are too full and you are wavering in your steps, precariously, attempting not to spill the 'food' that life has piled on top of it. Sometimes you stumble, but neither of you fall. You may pause, but you do not stop.

You have known heartache. You have watched relationships crumble. You have seen the mean side of the world, and you have come out on the other side to happiness. You have both faced challenges that have proven that you are creatures that will constantly evolve and be reborn into a stronger form of what you were.

Don't forget that you have also known love so deep and moments in your lives where the sun shines so brightly overhead, that shadows don't even exist. These are the moments you cling to. These are the times, that when you stop to think about, will help you remember why you have to continue to grow.

You both have a purpose. You both have worked on living in your truth. I cry tears of pride when I see you succeed in whatever facet of life is challenging you...even when it's a long battle.

I always want you to remember that I am here for you. Whether I am near or far. There is no distance I wouldn't travel to get to you. There is no time when you aren't a priority in my life.

You are my Squishy and my Lovey...and no matter how old you get, I will be your safe place, your soft shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and most of all..your Mama.

I love you.

Disrespecting My Boundaries

Several times a week, I get hit on or propositioned. Yes, I know what a lot of you are thinking... I should feel lucky to have people interested in me. Lucky. I've heard that statement before and it makes my jaw clench. Sitting from where I am, lucky is the last word I would ever use to describe how it feels to have people disrespect not only my physical and emotional space, but also disrespect my Sir by pretending he doesn't exist.

No, I am not flirtatious. What you see is what you get with me. I am honest, outgoing, friendly, and actually rather modest in terms of dress and behavior. I may be loud and funny, but I am not, in any way, ever inappropriate with men. I will give a friendly hug to those that I know. I do not and will not throw myself at the opposite sex, nor do I try to gain their attention. To be quite honest, I've gotten to the point where I always hope that I can enjoy an evening out or even at home without someone hitting on me.

And here's why...

I hate feeling like I am on display. I hate feeling like I need a bubble to live in so that I stop getting touched by hands that have no right to touch me. I hate feeling like people don't respect my relationship status and in turn do not respect my Sir. I hate feeling like I can't be my outgoing self because it might draw the attention of someone who will disrespect me. I hate hearing that someone doesn't care that I am not available when I tell them so.

I just want to enjoy my time with my loved ones and friends and man without feeling like I have to be on high alert. No I am not paranoid. It's become such an issue, that it's pissing me off. I don't want to be told I'm sexy, fine, or anything even close to that.. unless it's coming from my man.

Maybe I'm crazy for wishing that people would actually see that I am so much more than my appearance. Maybe in today's society it's too much to ask that my relationship be respected simply by not trying to place yourself between us.

I don't need the attention of others to know in myself that I am worthwhile. I just don't. That is not a validation that I am seeking from the outside world. I know this without smooth words and actions of others.

People wonder why so many women have a hard time with feeling self conscious. This is a huge reason. It is always apparent that we are being watched. Imagine how it would feel to know that when you walk across a room, eyes are on you, comments are being made, hands are reaching for you, and people are saying things to you directly about your body. I, myself, am not self conscious...but I can certainly see why many women and girls are.

I protect my relationship. Sir and I both do. We both have very strong feelings about trust and dedication. That's something we cherish in one another. I can see how frustrating it is for him to be out with me and still have someone approach me like he doesn't even exist...or that it's just harmless behavior. He's not frustrated with me, he's feeling exactly how I feel when it happens to him, disrespected.

As a musician, it is inevitable that you interact with many many people. You are in the public eye. You attend music events. We all approach each other with recognition and usually respect. On the other hand, it's not uncommon for musicians to also get a lot of unwanted attention. On some level, it goes with the territory. You are placing yourself in the spotlight. Again, where this is a problem is when people don't take 'no' for an answer, people throw themselves at you, or people act like you are purely an aesthetic creature with nothing more to you.

This is most certainly a rant and me rambling.

I just REALLY want to be respected. I want my physical boundaries to be observed without question. I want my relationship to be seen as the commitment it is, instead of a challenge to others whom would seek to pursue their own desires without thought of how it impacts another person.

I don't feel this is asking so much. If you unknowingly and respectfully approach me in a way to show interest and I say to you that I am not available, and you respect that...THANK YOU. Seriously, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. You are a dying breed. Even more special to me are the people in our lives that respect who I am internally, respect my happiness with Sir, and never cross my boundaries because we have mutual respect. Thank you to all of you as well.

I understand that much of the world wants to find that someone special to call their own. I do get it. Just remember that while you are out there looking, it is wrong to disregard another human's boundaries. It is also very wrong to attempt to destroy the foundation of a relationship that is already established between two people who love each other.

Anxiety Lies. I'm Okay and So Are You

I've had problems with anxiety and panic attacks as far back as I can remember. As a small child I feared so much, irrational and scary thoughts pervaded my thinking way more than was normal. I didn't understand it then, I just knew that I felt unsafe a lot of the time.

But I do understand it now...and it makes it no less of a beast of burden.

As humans, we all experience fight or flight at some point in our lives. A scary event happens, we feel unsafe, and our brains start sending messages to all of our major organs and bodily functions. In danger, our body responds this way to protect us. It is healthy and needed. It can preserve our lives and help us respond to danger in a way that is safe. Things like: increased respiration, increased heart rate, sweating, pupil dilation, even the emptying of our stomach, all normal and healthy responses to danger or trauma.

The fight or flight response that we experience in danger is the same thing that is triggered with anxiety. The big difference being that it is not needed. In fact, when these hormones and chemicals are released with no outlet, they trigger a whirlwind of panic. The brain's perceptions have misread a situation and instead of giving us all the energy we need to make it through something dangerous, we are now left with a slew of scary physical and mental responses, and energy that turns into agitation.

Some people have panic attacks that are brought on by irrational fears. Others have generalized anxiety, an underlying sense of anxiety that is present much of the time and doesn't always have a trigger. Either way, it is an emotional condition that can cause so much upheaval, that it disrupts one's life in tremendous ways if left untreated.

Clinical descriptions aside, anxiety lies to us and makes us believe terrible things are about to happen when they really aren't. On a personal note, I hate it.

I consider myself mostly rational and capable of dealing with life in a very healthy way. Anxiety makes me doubt that. Full blown panic attacks leave me sobbing and begging for help. The internal dialogue that runs through my mind is nothing short of terrifying. The same advice I've given to others, the same techniques I have taught others... seem impossible to cling to.

I feel like a helpless infant unable to control or care for myself.

But it's not true. I CAN care for myself. I CAN control myself. I just need to remember that and stop fueling the anxiety by believing the lies it is telling me. Sometimes just reaching out to someone I deem safe and saying, 'I'm scared, help me' is enough to bring me back to a point of being able to be more rational.

I used to be so ashamed of my anxiety that I would hide it and isolate from the world because I felt like I was weak for what I was feeling. In doing so, I actually perpetuated a cycle of more anxiety.

As with many things in life, the art of letting go is so crucial in getting through this. The more we fight it, the more we feed it. Although it seems counterproductive to not fight the scary monster, it isn't. The more we struggle, the more chemicals our adrenal glands dump into our bodies, feeding the fight or flight response.

What has proven to work for people who are experiencing anxiety is a mixture of positive self talk, calculated breathing, and focusing on something that forces you to get out of your own head.

Sounds easy, right? It isn't. I can't even begin to lie and say it is. I still struggle with this myself. I sometimes have the freak out first and then resort to these techniques...when in reality, I need to use these techniques at the first sign of anxiety.

But I'm not perfect and neither are you. It's okay. We are our own worst enemies sometimes.

So for my own sake and hopefully yours or someone you love, I am sharing a list of things to do in the event of a panic attack.

-Tell yourself calmly, "I am safe. There is no danger. My mind is playing tricks on me and I recognize that."
- Remind yourself that fighting will only make the panic attack worse and last longer.
- Use the 4,7,8 breathing technique. Inhale a breath through your nose for four seconds, hold for eight  seconds, release as a wooshing sound through your mouth for eight seconds. Repeat.
- Employ guided meditation. Youtube offers a wide variety of guided meditation tracks to listen to. Trying to meditate without someone's voice guiding you may be hard to do during panic. Simply do a search for 'guided meditation for panic' and find one that you can use often enough that it confuses your brain into an immediate state of relaxing.
-Remove yourself to a quiet area and reduce external stimulation
-Use a focus object to touch or look at to try to place your attention elsewhere.
-Have a safe person/people. Someone you can go to when you feel you need outside help. Someone that knows your specific triggers for anxiety, negative thought patterns, and knows what words or actions can help calm you down.
-Remind yourself that panic is temporary and will go away. This can be hard to believe when you are fighting it.

If you are someone who knows someone with anxiety, make it a priority to learn the steps above so that you can help them. Do not say things to pressure or demean someone. Statements like, 'just be rational and get over it' will do nothing but make a person feel worse and will result in them feeling shameful and weak for a situation that they didn't ask for.

Life can hard. We all have different 'demons' that we fight. Always try to remember that it doesn't make you less of a person. We have to learn to adapt and accept. We also need to remember that anxiety isn't a battle that is unique to us. Many experience it and share your struggle. I am always here for anyone if you just reach out to me.

Love Keeps Us Alive

There are people who crave solitude. They do best with large amounts of alone time, isolated in their own little space, alone with their thoughts, and content to live that way.

There are some of us who struggle with isolation. It is not an option we would readily choose.

The ability to be alone in your own skin is important. We will all have times where it isn't an option, and it is healthy to know how to find peace in those situations. But what about when it's imbalanced? What happens when we are so isolated, we feel cut off from the world as a whole?

Babies who are neglected and who do not have human interaction will often develop Failure To Thrive. This is telling when we look at the reality of lack of touch, attention, and love. Their weight drops, head circumference growth slows down considerably, and overall growth and development can become so delayed that it can cause death or permanent disability.

Our brains are hardwired for us to be social creatures.

There is a vast difference between chosen periods of solitude and isolation. One can feel rewarding and refreshing, while the other can leave us vulnerable to depression and the manifestation of physical/emotional degradation.

Human contact releases oxytocin. The same hormone that is released during pregnancy and causes that immediate bond between mother and child. Often dubbed the love hormone, oxytocin is also found to be elevated during times of emotional and sexual interactions with others. It can lower anxiety, boost our immune system, and improve our own emotional stability.

My daughter and I developed a hug routine when she was younger. We would stop and take time to give tight, meaningful hugs throughout the day. When I was single, I remember the actual effect of it on my overall sense of self. It grounded me, it reminded me that I was loved, it made me laugh or feel instantly happier, it made me feel back in touch with the rest of the world, and could instantly change my outlook on the day.

When we are depressed, it is sometimes a natural inclination to isolate, when in fact it is the worst choice we can make. It is at this time that we need human interaction more than any other time. This is also why so many social workers encourage family members to stay involved in the treatment of those with depression. There is a very real psychological function involved.

I struggle with feelings of isolation. When my time alone is imbalanced, I become sad and anxious. Sometimes I have the sense enough to seek out another person. Other times, I disappear in it. Not necessarily by choice, but because I am too sad or tired to reach out or say what I need. These are also the times when my self doubt is strongest, I question where I am at in life and if I am making the right choices, and I cave to the untruth that I am not loved.

We need to have empathy enough to notice this in others and to reach out to them. Not in an invasive way, but in a way that gently brings the person back to reality. We need to foster strong emotional and physical ties with our children, friends, and lovers. It is imperative to every single person alive.

If you find someone you love withdrawing...chances are they are suffering from a lack of attachment to you. Either you are neglecting the relationship by choice or outside forces stand in the way of quality time with them. Whatever the reason, we have to make the important changes necessary to nurture every human relationship or they will crumble due to lack of attachment.

Hug someone today. Sit and make time to show that you are present and invested.

We are still just newborns, seeking out comfort...and we always will be.

When Human Emotions Betray You

The word defensive is defined as this:

1. Used or intended to defend or protect
2. Very anxious to challenge or avoid criticism.

It is a feeling that is important on a primal level. We sense danger, our defenses take over to protect us. This is needed in very real, life threatening situations. When it is less ideal, or even dangerous to our well being, is when defensive behavior is a knee jerk reaction to others on an emotional level.

Why are some people defensive? This can be broken down into three main categories.
1. You are deeply invested in a moral or value and feel that someone is challenging that belief system.
2. Stress. Every emotion is elevated during times of stress. Defensiveness is no different. Stress causes us to
    feel as though we are on high alert.
3. You have been deeply hurt in the past and defensiveness has become an automatic response to perceived
     threats of emotional pain.

So why is this so bad?

A defensive nature stops effective communication in it's tracks. It is impossible to have a healthy dialogue when either party is approaching it in a defensive way. They have already perceived you as a threat, and therefore have effectively shut down any chance of hearing the true meaning or intent of your words. Being defensive on impulse can ruin relationships of many types.

Being on the defense robs us of our ability to have joy in the moment. When we fill our heads with negative expectations and thoughts, it steals the ability to be able to feel true happiness at any given time. The negative dialogue in our heads manifests itself in a way that puts us on edge. As you know, when you are anxious or on edge, it is hard to relax and be in the moment freely.

Probably the most invasive way defensiveness hurts us is it keeps the negative feelings of self and others on a constant loop. We can never reach the full potential of a relationship with others when we subconsciously view them as a threat. We can never feel good enough if we feel we are being judged or misunderstood in a negative way. Any chance of developing a good self worth is thwarted by the past behaviors of others that treated you in a way that made you feel inferior, dumb, worthless, or any other emotion that is the negative result of being mistreated.

How do we effectively change our thinking?

1. STOP- When you feel yourself getting offended, defensive, misunderstood... STOP yourself from
    responding and take a moment to analyze whether or not you are acting on impulse or if the person is
    truly trying to hurt you. After taking the time to think, respond appropriately.

2. Stop caring so much about how others perceive you.
    This may seem impossible, but it isn't, I assure you. Start to look at yourself as the person you want others
    to see, and they will see it. When you approach someone with a sour look, defensive body language, or
    even defensive words.. you are sending the message that you can't be reached emotionally. Few people
    want to interact with someone who responds negatively all the time or someone who has made them
    feel as though you think of them as an enemy of sorts.

3. Stop living in the past hurt and treat people who care for you in a way that is not associated with dealing
    with people who have hurt you. It is unfair to anyone in your life to automatically compare them to a
     person who caused you pain. Realize that we have all experienced hurt at the hands or words of someone
    else. This does not mean that you have to go on high alert and treat everyone in the present as a potential
    threat. Evaluate behavior and learn to see goodness.

As the quote above says, you can't move forward if you are defensive. You will stay stuck in a rut of negativity and anxiety. That is not living. That is merely existing. Existing does not foster growth. We need
to live and change to grow...and sometimes the biggest growth comes from learning how to stop the negativity that we feed within ourselves.

You are no longer a victim. You are strong. You are better than what others led you to believe.

You are whole and wonderful just as you are. The sooner you believe it, the sooner you will see that others believe it about you too.

Is Your Emotional Bank Out Of Funds?

Relationships, whether they are romantic, familial, or friendly, all require investments from two people. There is a delicate balance of depositing and withdrawing from both parties. But what happens when that becomes unbalanced and your emotional investment is no longer being reciprocated? When is it time to close down the revolving account and say, 'no more'?

Much of our behavior is dictated by gain. In nearly every situation, we need to ask ourselves what our motive is. What is making us behave in any certain way? When we do that, we usually find that we are behaving in a certain way because there is something that is to be gained by it. These gains can be things like: admiration, material objects, love, safety, friendship, time...the list goes on and on. Even if we aren't aware of our own motives, they are there. Even when giving to charity, there is a deep sense of goodness in ourselves. That is still a gain. It's not a bad thing, it's just how we work in most instances.

When you find yourself in a relationship where there is an imbalance of giving and taking, it feels wrong... and it is wrong. Relationships that are one sided will not last. It is a simple fact. Just like continuously withdrawing money from an account without replacing funds, a person who is constantly giving without reciprocation will become tapped out. Their balance will eventually hit zero or become overdrawn, and they will have nothing more to give.

Some people live in the overdrawn state for a very long time before they finally say, 'enough'. You can usually spot these relationships. One party looks happy and fulfilled, and the giving party looks tired, resigned, sad, and often angry at the situation. Sometimes, we don't see the imbalance as something we are contributing to and we become resentful of the other person.

For our own sake of well being, it is important to spot these situations and either try to mutually correct them or to close the bank and walk away with your self investment still intact.

We often hear about loving without condition. Sometimes, unconditionally loving someone is the act of letting go. Especially in situations where there is imbalance. It's the act of setting the intention that you wish to part from them before you hit a state of resentment and anger. It's knowing that sometimes, the best intentions just aren't enough to fill both of your emotional needs. It's not giving up, it's recognizing that the two of you are not able to progress further because your wants and needs are vastly different.

There are people in your life that may want to invest and just don't know how. This is one of the reasons we hear phrases like, 'men are clueless'. It saddens me when I hear one gender demean another gender in such ways. Typically, it's not about being clueless as much as it is about lack of open communication. An expectation that another person will automatically know all of our wants and needs in that relationship. Before deciding to close down your emotional bank account, it's important to ask yourself if YOU are being fair in doing so. Have you given the other person a fair chance at knowing what kind of deposits are assets to your emotional bank balance? If not, they may simply not know how.

On the other token, there are people that are like money hungry vultures. They will come into your life quickly and swoop in to take over and steal from you in every way possible. They are the people that only seek to gain and never reciprocate. Many narcissistic people fall into this category. It's the people that use the word 'me' or 'I' when it comes to communication. It is important to be aware of these people, because victimization will happen even with the best intentions on your part.

Knowing when to let go is important...in all things. There's a time to fight for something and there is a time to withdraw...even when it hurts.

If you do not keep your emotional bank account in the positive, it will take a toll on you in every way. Surround yourself with others who want to nurture you as much as you want to nurture them. Communicate your wants and needs, clearly, so that they have the fair opportunity to reciprocate. Cut ties with vultures who only seek to gain.

Most importantly, learn how to fill your own emotional bank account so that you aren't completely dependent on others to do it for you. It will make your relationships much more balanced from the beginning.

Make Love, Every Day

As Valentine's Day approaches, we become saturated with commercialized ways to show your love to someone. It is everywhere. Stores, radio, television, and the internet.. become hyper focused on one day out of the year where we are told that the BEST way to show our love is to purchase something for someone. While, gifts can be nice in a minor way, this is a critically wrong impression of how to show love.

Let me explain, if you will.

Love can not be fostered by a single event on a single day. Love is not the grand gestures of giving material items.

True love is action. It is made with our own two hands, our words, our behavior towards another.

We can not expect a relationship to grow along with us if it is not made a priority every single day. It will wither up and turn to dust. Just like a plant, it needs attention and caring for.

We live in a society where it is portrayed that love just happens. Two people meet each other and there are instant fireworks and they live happily ever after. This couldn't be more wrong. It is laborious, it is time consuming, it has to be MADE. It is not something that just occurs and then lives on because of attraction.

We have to know, in a very real way, that love entails every human emotion at one point or another. This includes the not so happy feelings, like fear and anger. To expect that it is as glamorous and easy as it is made out to be, is a joke.

And here is the important part to take away from the difficulty of maintaining a healthy love.. easy is not good. We don't grow and evolve when things are easy. It is the very hard times that can, if handled correctly, make love grow. To appreciate what we have, we must work for it. To be proud of what we have, we must work for it. To enjoy what we have....we must also have the hard times to help us appreciate the good times.

Our lives move fast. Many people have learned to live on impulse, with no thought about the long trek that is really living or loving. Impulsively, if it doesn't seem easy or feel easy from the start, we consider giving up. This is why relationships fail in many instances. Once that initial burst of flames between two people dies down, people become disinterested and seek out that fire again. This is a cycle that you can repeat all of your life.

Alternatively, you can keep love's fire going by adding fuel to it on a constant basis. It doesn't have to die out. We are like seasoned fire wood. We can choose to fuel the love we are given, at any time, and it will continue to warm us.

When talking to couples, I often explain that we have to make love, everyday. We have to use every part of our own selves to show our investment in another. We have to listen with open hearts, speak words of encouragement, take one on one time to connect..no phones, no distractions.. simply sitting with the person you love and creating a space where the two of you can breathe together.

The best gift you can give the person you love does not come covered in chocolate. It does not come pre-written from Hallmark, its not anything that can be purchased. That is the easy stuff. The best gift is your dedication to working hard, every day, to show your love, to cherish one another, to fuel the fire that started easily but threatens to go out when not fed.

Humans are not disposable. There is no gain from acting like they are so that we don't have to do the hard work of creating a real love.

Love is raw. It is every day life. It is offering to help with cleaning. It is paying attention to the subtle needs of our partner. It is touching them, not just sexually, but in a way that lets them know that you are there... in that moment... you are present. Love is understanding one another when a misunderstanding takes place. Love is forgiving and forgiving and forgiving even more. Love is ASKING for forgiveness and admitting when we are wrong or have wronged someone. Love is building each other up instead of focusing on the negatives.

Make love, every day, and it will last as long as both people want it to.

Everyone Has One

As humans, we all have opinions. It's a natural part of being your own self, with your own thoughts, and your own leanings and biases. This, in itself, is not problematic. We are all free to feel a certain way about any given topic. I do not have a problem with this on any level.

What concerns me more and more is the fact that there seems to be a trend of policing other people's opinions and the drive for many to point out how their own opinions differ. It's not a matter of, I respectfully disagree... it's the overkill involved in trying to change someone's thought process, prove how someone is wrong, or when that fails, all out nasty behavior.

Nothing has proven this more than being on social media during and after the elections. We saw the world as we know it become very divided. Do not misunderstand me. Democracy dictates, to some degree, that people are free to choose and have opinions about who is elected. I do not have a problem with this. What I do have a problem with is people allowing their own opinions to get in the way of behaving in a civil manner with others.

Social media is filled with opinion. I like the diversity...even if I don't agree. Having differing opinions gives me an opportunity to view the world through someone's eyes other than my own. Sometimes that leads to a reformation of my own thinking. Sometimes it has no effect on me at all. Other times, it causes an internal emotional response. Regardless, I welcome it. I find it intriguing and challenging.

What's becoming clear to me is that it seems I am among a small contingent of people who share this outlook. I scroll through my feed and rarely comment..yet I see verbal arguments between people on a regular basis. I see posts about 'cleaning out my friends list', and then a reason that is usually related to only keeping like minded individuals on their page. I see people giving other people unsolicited advice on things that they have no personal involvement with. I have, a couple times, done this myself in the past. I now strive to make it something I stay away from.

What is happening in our world that individuality, free thinking, and expression have become targets for attack? Why do people feel it's their duty to change a person's mind about a topic? Furthermore, why is there an obvious sense of entitlement and haughtiness in many people who behave this way?

When did everyone become and authority on everything, and when did being opinionated become a career?

What happened to the subtlety of watching human behavior and quietly deciding how we choose to conduct ourselves?

I personally don't get too riled up when someone disagrees with me. In fact, I am almost always willing to listen to why and either respond or just accept that we are all different. I feel strongly, that in effort to make sure everyone feels safe and similar, we are actually becoming a more divided society.

I don't need to be the same. I love that you are all different than me. On the other hand, I do not enjoy feeling policed and forced to see eye to eye with everyone else. I am quite content to lead my life in a way that I can uphold my own values and morals without shoving them down everyone's throat. I accept that each person comes from a different walk of life and understand that it has greatly shaped their perceptions.

Social media has become very antisocial in many ways. The world in large has become a place where if we don't agree, attempts are made to isolate one another in a way that infers that one is greater, smarter, better.. than another.

I see the irony in having a blog post that is based on my own opinion about this topic. Don't think it escapes me.

Just know that I really have nothing to gain except some catharsis by writing this. You are not required to read this, let alone agree with me.

I am just baffled and disheartened by what I see.

You Can't Move Forward When You're Living In The Past

We all have wants and desires for our future. A successful career, a happy relationship that lasts, owning a home..these are all examples of common things people strive to have.

Have you found yourself asking, "why can't I get ahead?" "Why do I feel stuck?" "Why do I keep getting the same result?" If you have, the answer is usually a simple one.

You are a slave to your past. It's impossible to move forward any measurable distance when your eyes, heart, and mind are focused on the past.

People are addicted to the past for many reasons:
Good and bad memories
Loss of a loved one
Trauma
Fear of failure
Warped sense of self image due to traumatic experiences
Past hurt
Regret

No matter what the reason may be, the end result is the same.. a feeling of being stuck. Time is ticking and you're hearing the second hand move, and it's anxiety inducing because we are all limited on time. This is a fact. We all have an expiration date. This is why, as we get older, the deep need to experience life more fully, is so pressing.

There is a saying, "If you keep doing what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got." Some would argue that this is the very definition of insanity. Hurting ourselves time and time again, expecting a different result.

Nothing good comes of bringing your past baggage to the terminal of the future. Your flight will always be grounded. You will go nowhere.

This is very obvious in relationships. If you bring your past hurts and negative internal dialogue that they caused, into a new relationship, you have damned it from the start. You can't have a healthy future when your unhealthy past, unhealthy thinking, unhealthy mental presets are what still control your behavior.

You can be cautious with your heart. You can have some worry over outcomes. But, if you have already decided that the situation your facing will fail, it will. If you have already decided you aren't good enough, others will treat you that way. If you believe that people will hurt you, you're sending the message that they aren't worth your trust or your time.

In all things, we have the power to create positive change. Big or small changes, it doesn't matter. We have the power to do that. It's yours, you were born with it. It's a matter of harnessing it and wielding the power in a way that let's you take control of your life and make it what you want it to be.

So how do you get out of your past so that you can move forward into a healthy future?

You close the door on it.

You take control and you turn your back on the things that happened that caused you to fail over and over again.

If someone has wronged you and you can't let it go, you tell them or you get that hurt out by expressing it in a letter. If you can't give them the letter or you can't say the words, you write it anyways and burn it.

If trauma has caused a negative loop of self loathing, you focus on the fact that you, YOU, were born whole. You have always been a complete person..you just believed the person that said you weren't and it became your reality.

If you have tried to succeed at something and have failed in the past, reassess and try a different route until you succeed. You Will succeed at some point if you problem solve and keep trying.

If you've lost someone and can't let go of the memories that keep you chained in sadness, you tell yourself that you are also choosing to die if you don't work through the grief until you come out on the other side of it.

I won't say any of these things are easy. It will hurt. You will be scared. You will feel raw and exposed. But what do you have to lose? Nothing. Staying stuck in the past has already robbed you of precious time and success in many facets of your life.

You are at ground zero. You can either stay there or you can begin to build an empire. 

Narcissism: It's More Than Just Vanity

Self love is good, right?

Yes it is. It absolutely is. Self worth and esteem are very important factors that dictate, in many ways, how we interact with the rest of the world. A positive self image can do wonders to push us towards being happy and successful people.

For the sake of clarification, I am not referring to a positive self image in this entry. 

The word narcissist gets thrown around a lot. Unfortunately, most people don't understand the real meaning behind it. Just like the overuse of saying 'OCD', when we use real mental health diagnoses as cute little catch phrases, people become numb to the reality of what they really are and how harmful they can be to those that suffer from these disorders and those that interact with someone with mental health issues. 

Narcissism is more than meets the eye. It's more than even being stuck on yourself. It is a personality disorder. A very real, very pervasive disorder.

Many people don't even know when they are in a relationship with someone who has this disorder, which, in itself, is dangerous. A relationship of this type is hugely dysfunctional and often abusive. A narcissist who's ego is not stroked just right becomes angry and volatile. They lack empathy/concern for others. When you combine a volatile temper with lack of empathy, the result can be catastrophic to another person. It can lead to verbal, physical, and emotional abuse. It creates a cycle of codependency. It diminishes the person that is stuck in a narcissist's web to the point of losing their own sense of self. 

Narcissists often come off as being extremely witty and charming. They know exactly how to behave in front of others, when it suits their wants. They like to be the center of attention and are good at holding an audience's attention. They often make up stories of success to appear more favorable to others. A key word to remember is exaggeration. Their heightened sense of their own greatness is exaggerated in every way. They are the best at this and that, they helped so and so, they claim responsibility for another's success. You name it, they will tell you they can and probably have succeeded at it.

Although a narcissist is pretty capable of feeding their own ego, that is not enough. Mental health workers often use the term 'narcissistic fueling' to define the very distinct behavior that a narcissist requires in a relationship. This can look as harmless as needing to hear that they are better than others, smarter than others, that no one can live up to their level of importance in your life... the list of how to fuel a narcissistic fire is long and involved but it's not the action of fueling the fire that is the most dangerous. It is the inaction or refusal to fuel their fire that ends in them behaving in ways that will ultimately hurt another person.

You don't feed their ego, you pay for it...and you pay dearly.

Common retaliatory behavior of a narcissist may be things like:

The silent treatment

Belittling

Cheating

Hurting people that you love in order to hurt you

Physical aggression

Threats of abandonment

Reminders of your own mistakes or weaknesses

Essentially, if you refuse to fuel a narcissist's fire, the goal of the narcissist will be to make you feel like or appear to others to be the lowest common denominator, worthless, wrong, weak, and stupid. 

Narcissists use a technique called gaslighting, quite frequently. This is when they behave in a way to make you question your own self assurance, memory, and motive. Many people submit during an argument with them because it becomes so overwhelming and confusing that they simply feel like they are losing their grip on what is sane and real. Submission is exactly what they want and it is another way to fuel their fire when they aren't getting the results they want from you. 

The reason I feel it important to educate others on this personality disorder is to raise awareness. Abuse from a narcissistic person does not always resemble what many perceive as typical abuse, but it is, none the less. It is through knowledge that we can be empowered. Even if you are not in a relationship with a narcissist, this knowledge may allow you to help a loved one who is. 

Personality disorders in large are very hard to treat and have low success rates. No, this does not mean things are hopeless in every instance. I am pointing that out so that you understand how dangerous and real this is and also to remind you that if you know someone who has this disorder,

YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME AND YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR FIXING IT. 

Self preservation is key here. Please know that you need to put yourself first.

Held Hostage By Your Past

We all have a history. That is a fact that none of us can change, nor should you want to. Our past experiences shape who we are today in many ways. This is growth, and evolution is essential to our own emotional and mental development.

Many times, people get stuck in their past. This does not always represent itself in ways you may imagine. It's not always things like missing a person from your past or ruminating over a choice that you made and regret.

The past can influence your current behavior in ways that many people are not aware of. We believe that to avoid a repeat of a painful experience, we must be diligent in keeping the pain in the forefront of our minds. This behavior essentially puts a roadblock up and stops you from progressing forward, out of the pain.This causes failed relationships, procrastinating behavior, self loathing, and a host of other problems that plague the person who is holding onto painful experiences.

When you enter into a relationship, whether it be romantic or not, with preconceived notions or expectations for pain... you will have pain. There is a philosophy that children live up to what is believed about them. For example, if you believe your child is a naughty brat and you treat them as such, they will constantly behave that way. Adults are no different. If you enter into a relationship believing that you will be hurt, you have already set the intention that no matter how the other person behaves, they will fail. You have, from the onset, decided to enter into a relationship with the idea that trust is already broken. It also keeps us from seeing a person in their true form because you have layered them in the clothes of your past, hiding who they are and making them who you perceive they will be.

You can not expect a healthy result when you enter into a situation with unhealthy baggage from your past.

Perhaps, someone in your past caused a belief that you are not of worth, that you are a failure, that you will never reach your full potential. Whatever negativity your past held, it formed a thought process that repeats on a loop until you stop it.

That's right, YOU and only you can stop it. Until you decide that you are the master of your own thinking, body, and choices... you will repeatedly succumb to the negative thoughts that were ingrained in you from the past.

A good example of this is how people handle anxiety. During a panic, we instinctively reach for the nearest thing that will cause it to subside. What we really need to do is wade through it and push forward through the discomfort until we come out on the other side. And we will. In fact, the more we force ourselves to stop avoiding negative feelings, the more we retrain our own brains into understanding that there is no danger, there is no threat, that the discomfort is just that...discomfort, and it will pass.

When a negative internal voice tells you that you won't succeed, you must continue on through the doubt and prove to yourself that you CAN succeed. You can succeed in all aspects of life.

This does not mean that there will not be times when relationships fail, jobs fall through, trust is broken. These are things that happen in life. But, having the mindset that it's just a hard moment and that you can move forward, steals the power of the negative event, and puts you back in control.

So I challenge you. I challenge you to really take a good hard look at the loop of negativity that is occurring in your mind as you read this...and I ask you to find any truth in it at all.

The past is not your truth. The NOW is your truth, and you are in control of this moment.