Soul Weary

I'm struggling with this. I wish I could point a finger at someone and pass the blame on.

But I can't, cause it is my fault entirely.

It's a cyclical problem caused by allowing myself to care too much, love too deeply, give more than I should. It's caused by having dreams and joy and a hope that someone, somewhere, can match my level of emotional investment in the awareness of the greater consciousness we all are a part of.. and that they would match their emotional investment in me, as much as I do them.

And it's ridiculous. It's a silly notion to believe that at the end of the day, people aren't going to choose to put their ego and wants before anything else. That's human nature, isn't it? We are all taught to do what feels good, sometimes despite other's feelings, and sometimes at the cost of other's feelings.

I'm not implying I'm more evolved, better, or more self aware than others. I am who I am, and you are who you are. We are not better or worse than one another. We are just different.

But, like seeks out like. Therein lies the problem.

When your heart is tender and empathic, it is easily bruised by the rigors of existence as a whole. It's like trying to fit a square peg in a circular hole. You can sometimes force it, but the end result causes a squeezing of the core of you. Instead of moving freely within the space, you become stuck.

I am stuck. I'm stuck in a world that is largely circular, and I'm the square peg.

And I'm tired. I am deep down tired. I am tired of finding myself here. I am tired of holding hope that others will want to be self aware. I am tired of the giving, the doing, the waiting for reciprocation.

I am responsible for my own happiness. This is what we are told. You can't rely on others to bring you joy. Yet, in the same breath, we are social creatures who are driven by instinct. That instinct is not solitude. Some of our basic needs are love and acceptance. How do we reconcile those two very different thought patterns?

I wish I knew. Some days are clearer than others. Some days, I can say, "forget what other's want.. I am doing what I want." Most days though, I am not built to do that. My compassion for my fellow man is too strong, and I become invested too much. I empty my own vat of energy and pour it into others... and I am left hollow.

Right now, today, I am tired. I am empty.

I feel like I have no more to give.

But I will. I always do.

Just not this day.

Grief and Time... They are independent of each other.

As I get older, I am acutely aware of time and how fast it goes. Every year is eventful in it's own way, but some years stand out apart from the others. 2016-2017 has really been a year of events that forever changed me in profound ways. 

It was a year of loss, grief, joy, discovery, growth.. So many things, all linked in some crazy ways. While I wouldn't change where I am at right now (on most levels), there are certainly events that I wish I could have changed in some ways. 

Yes, I know that's not a sign of true acceptance. I'm well aware of that. But, I have come to understand that there are just certain situations in our lives that hurt on a grand level. The kind of hurt that doesn't just go away with any amount of reasoning. It takes hold at your very core and wraps itself around your heart like fine tendrils of vines. They can be beautiful and strangling. 

As many of you know, I lost someone I loved. Tragically. Horribly. Instantly. 

What most of you don't know is how it has changed me as a person. Even as a person who has worked years in the mental health field, I can not rationalize this away. I can't make my grief go away. It is something that I will carry forever, on some level. 

I have been sitting on this blog entry for several months. Knowing I wanted to talk about it, but not knowing how. Just knowing that as a whole, I have found that most people who haven't had this experience, think that you should just get over it. Things happen for a reason. 

No. Sometimes, terrible things just happen. There is no reason. There is no making it okay. 

You just learn to live with it inside of you. Sometimes, gracefully. Sometimes, barely.

Charlie's death changed my world. Yes, in so many ways it has opened amazing doors and brought me closer to people that I would have otherwise never had in my life. And for that, I am so grateful. I am. I thank him all the time for who his leaving brought into my life. If he were here, he'd be so happy about it.. because always at the end of the day, he only ever wanted me to feel loved... and I do, by some of the people he loved and admired. 

These feelings do not supersede any of the other's though. 

Each facet of grief is it's own living entity. Unique unto itself. 

So with these feelings of immense thankfulness and joy, are the other feelings. The feelings of regret, sadness, forever questioning if somehow, some way, I could have stopped his death. I have talked to a therapist. I have written in my own personal journal to the point of me being sick of my own thoughts. I have talked to those I love about it. I have literally asked Charlie to somehow, if there is an afterlife, give me some sign that will convince me that this is what he wanted. That I, in no way, had any influence on his life ending. 

That answer will never come. It will never. fucking. come. 

And I will have to always live with that thought. 

I've counseled families and individuals through times of loss and grief. I am no stranger to it.... but nothing but experiencing death on this level, made me so aware of how pervasive it really is, how crushing it is, or how intrusive it can be at times. 

I have come leaps. I have. I'm not implying I'm stuck in grief mode all of the time. But it is there. It will always be there on some level, waiting to catch me off guard. 

So I say this to you, as a fellow human. If you are hurting because you lost someone.. I am sorry. I am so sorry. Know that no matter what anyone tells you, your feelings are valid. Your hurt is real. It's okay to feel so happy with life right now and then sometimes feel bad that you do. It's okay to feel every emotion you feel.

Also know this. Not everyone will understand or even support you. Many people will insist that there is a time frame for grief. There isn't. Some people will make you feel as though you have to hide it because it makes them uncomfortable. You don't. Some people will even make you feel as though you are wrong for finding things that make you happy while still being able to smile about how the person you lost made you happy. You do not have to bury your memories with the person you loved. Ever. It is not a competition. Each relationship with a friend, family member, lover, is unique in it's own way. 

It's been more than a year... and here I sit, writing this and feeling like even this could never adequately encapsulate everything I feel. 

But it's all I have. These are the only words I have.