Gifts From The Universe

Today we were driving through the city and Kendrick and I both saw an elderly woman..bent over completely, trying to manage grocery bags. As I drove by, I watched a man walk right around her as if she was invisible and we looked at each other as we often do and turned around to help.

Kendrick gets out and approaches her, asking if we could give her a ride somewhere and she looks at him as though she is frightened. I tell him to show her his badge so that she will understand she can trust us and as soon as she saw it she became animated, explaining she has been robbed before and was scared.

We get her in the car where it's warm and I ask where she wants to go. She can't even look up and make eye contact because her back wont allow her to sit up that straight..and she says, "I take the bus as far as I can and I walk home the four miles from there."

My heart immediately breaks. She woman is all of ninety years old, and she's walking that far in the snow and cold.

"You point the way and we will get you home where it's warm" is all I can muster at that moment.

Little did we know that she lived 15 miles out into the country.

After a few minutes of silence, she starts talking about where she's from, her childhood, her neighbors..the landscape and how it's changed over the years. She tells me a story about how when she was a child she had nine cows and two calves. She showed me where she used to run with them...miles of land that she covered on her feet. How she used to find it funny when the calves would get lost and she felt like it was an adventure trying to get them home.

She pointed out homes and told us who lived there, how they died, who lives there now. How Joe built this barn and sold it. Richard used to have a huge herd of cattle but then he moved away. The fire department used to be here..and if you look..you can see my house on a clear day through the trees.

I was transported back through time to her youth..and I could picture her running over the hills chasing her cows without a care in the world. I could see her square dancing with her community in the hall that she pointed out and I smile to myself as if I am reliving her memories with her. I felt the joy in her stories, the kinship with her community, the love of the land.

When we arrive at her house it becomes clear that there is no driveway or sidewalk. Just a hill covered in snow and ice. In it you can see the trail she's left. Deep footprints line the way, on the right side of each footprint is a hole from her cane, on the left, a hand print showing the effort that it takes to climb the hill to her door.

I ask her if I can give her our phone numbers to keep so that if she needs help again, she can call us. She looks at me sweetly from the side and says, "yes."

"My name is Alice. Spelled like A-lice." I giggle at her joke and tell her that I was so happy to meet her and thanks for the stories along the way. She looks at her hands and smiles..the sweetest smile.

Kendrick helps her out...and as if she was made of glass, he leads her to her door. Holding her bags and her hands. I fall in love with him again, like I have hundreds of times since we've been together.

Half way up the hill she stops and turns around. Stands up as tall as she can and yells to me, "Bye, Terralyn!" Waving enthusiastically. As if I was a friend. Not someone she just met.

In that moment, I realize that my initial feeling of pity for her has been replaced by pride in her. She is not a fragile old woman. She is strong. She has survived for over ninety years in the country..and still has the energy to keep going, to be involved in the community, and to share stories of times past with those who will listen.

Thank you, Alice.

What's Inside

You say there's a monster inside you..
A vicious, evil entity..
devouring you from the inside out.
It awakens at night
It clouds your vision
It lies to you
Takes the warmth out of the air and leaves you breathless with fear

But I know,
A perfect shell such as yours
Could never harbor such darkness

Your spirit is a bright, white light
Emanating from within

It's been chained from the hurt
You're afraid to free it
Because you've shared your light before
And those around you sought to dampen it...put it out

It's still there...
Softly pulsing within you
Waiting to be free
Waiting to consume you
Wanting to illuminate your world
Wake up your senses

You only have to open your heart and release it

The light within you will drive back the dark
It will guide your steps
Heal your open wounds
And allow you to see the hands that are waiting to hold yours

My love,
You've no need to fear what's inside you
You only need to let it out
Bask in it
And when it's grown strong enough

Share it with the world.

I Am Fat, You Are Skinny...We Are Humans

Everywhere I turn I am made aware of the importance that society places on a human being's size.

If you are too heavy it's disgusting, if you are too skinny..it's disgusting. Not only are people outspoken about this, they feel it's OK to judge, laugh, ridicule, and point out our physical differences.

Clearly, not much has changed in the world of media. That's a given. Who I am referring to are everyday people. You, me, the people that make up our families and communities. These are the people that are overtly attacking others based on their outward appearance.

I saw a video on Facebook today that was two bigger women dancing. This was posted for the sake of humor. Look at the fat girls dancing! Let's all laugh about the fact that these two women love their bodies enough to dance openly. Let's laugh about the fact that they embrace their size and are proud of their bodies.

On the flip side. I see posts about women who's hip bones show. How it's disgusting and sickening. Thigh gap is a dirty word. Being a size 2 is gross...and they need to eat more.

So what's right? There is NO right. There is no size that is wrong.

Beauty is not about specifics. What is beautiful to you may not be beautiful to another. That does not mean that it is OK on any level to judge or demean a person based on your own preferences. Furthermore, I would challenge any person to take a look inside to see what makes them want to pick on someone at all.

Being skinny, average, or heavy does not change the integral part of a person. They still have a heart and feelings. They are not immune to hurtful words or acts of bullying from other people.

Social networking has created a sense of entitlement. It is easy for people to sit behind a computer and mock others. Yet I would venture to guess, that if you were in a real life situation similar to what you are posting, you would not have the audacity to loudly mock a person. It's "safe" to do this on platforms that are internet based because there is little retaliation. That does not make it right or OK. You are still referring to someone's family, child, friend, wife, husband..they are real people with real lives.. and you are being demeaning for your own benefit. What is that benefit? How does it serve you?

A bigger question. How does your behavior serve human kind?

This, to me, is no different than discrimination based on race, gender, sexual orientation, disabilities, religion..and all the other things that make us unique. You are simply picking out one thing that makes a person different from you and exploiting it.

For some, loving their outer shell does not come easy. They struggle every single day to find an ounce of pride in their body. Dysfunctional eating and body dysmorphia are very real problems. As are things like self harm. Your words can help or harm. It is your choice. You can choose whether to embrace the uniqueness of each human, or you can set yourself apart and live in a very small world.

Despite what your choice is, remember..words are powerful. What you say can cause someone to love themselves a little more or hate themselves a little more.

Photo credit: This is a photo my daughter took of herself. It was a moment of pride at a time when she was struggling to find her happiness. This was her response to bullies.

Being Held Hostage

Physical abuse is easy to identify in a relationship with another person. There are clear cut signs of it. Physical abuse is acting out aggressively and an intention to do harm.

Something that is less talked about is the act of holding someone emotionally hostage. It is not always apparent. There are no outward physical signs that indicate it. Yet it is just as dangerous and destructive as physical abuse. It's the act of using words and feelings to undermine a person's ability to think for themselves, make positive decisions for themselves, and walk away from a negative situation. It leaves a person feeling trapped and hopeless. It also causes a person to feel responsible for the captor to a degree that they will make poor choices and endure negativity...just to keep them happy. An abuser will trivialize your needs and wants at every turn, making them more important or the most important.

Here's the truth. No amount of suffering on your part will ever make another person truly happy. At the root of this type of abuse, the captor is self loathing and destructive. You are merely a distraction from that. You are also allowing them to steal your power because they feel powerless over their own emotions.

Some things a captor may say to their hostage:
If you leave me, I will die.
If you don't give me your undivided attention, I'm devastated.
You are the ONLY one who understands me.
You are the ONLY person I can relate to.
I hurt myself because you hurt my feelings.
I gave up (insert anything) for you.

Someone who uses emotions for personal gain often makes the other person feel special. They play a game of building you up..only to use it as a reason that you have no right to walk away from them. They will often speak in ultimatums. Relationships with this type of dysfunction often become very isolating because the abuser will attempt to cut everyone else out of your life so that you rely on them.

How do you safely walk away from relationships like this?

The first step is to evaluate your boundaries. What are you willing and unwilling to allow in a relationship? What is healthy and unhealthy? Are your beliefs skewed from the abuse?

Seek help. Talk to people you can trust and share your concerns. If you can see a counselor, you should. They will help you to take a look at the relationship from all angles. Help you become more aware of the negative patterns you have created and give you the tools to break the cycle. They will also be a tremendous support when you leave the relationship.

Plan. Start making plans of how to end the relationship safely and what you will need to do to start fresh. Having a plan in place will empower you to not resort to going back into the negative situation.

Cut ties. You owe NO ONE any amount of your power and happiness. For any reason. No matter how long you've been together, been friends, or been family members.. there is no amount of dedicated time that makes you responsible to stay in the relationship if it is hurting you. If there are children involved, it is that much more important to separate yourself and loved ones from the abuser.

Find your power. Take time to discover your own sense of power and love for yourself before venturing in to new relationships. Continue to lay out personal boundaries and remind yourself of them often, this is new, you need to make it a habit and teach yourself to think in a new way.

There is no good time to leave an abusive relationship. Whether you do it now or five years from now, it will be hard. Waiting only weakens your resolve and your sense of self. Do not allow yourself to be held hostage by anyone in your life, for any reason. You deserve happiness and health in relationships.

If you need help and don't know where to reach out for it:
thehotline.org
1.800.799.7233

Resiliency-The Most Important Thing You'll Ever Learn

Something I often say to people who are going through a difficult time is, "You are either a victim or a survivor, you choose which."

I think one of the greatest gifts in this life is the ability to choose our own path. There are so many things in life that our out of our realm of control. The one thing you can choose is how you respond to these things. The good and the bad, how we respond can make us or break us.

Growing up in a home full of dysfunction and abuse, I realized early on that although I was stuck there, (being a child) that I could control how I responded to the situations. This is not to say it made them any less horrific..please don't misunderstand me. But, knowing that I could respond how I wanted to..gave me back my power.

This is true for almost everything that happens in our lifetime.
Bad relationship
Illness
Broken hearts
Employment or unemployment
Money Matters
Social interactions
Family interactions
Loss

The list goes on and on.. we are surrounded by events that will play out without our consent.

How do you create a sense of resiliency within yourself and your children? This trait lies within all of us, it's just a matter of seeing it for what it is and building on it.

1. Discover the power of being a positive person. If your immediate reaction to a situation is to acknowledge the negative, you will only focus on the negative. In every situation that is hard, there is some way to find the positive. It sometimes feels unnatural to do this...but it works. Resiliency means being adaptive. When you take the time to focus on the positive..you will realize that the negative is only short lived. Being negative not only robs you of enjoyment in life, it steals your energy. You need all of your energy to get through the tough times.

2. Embrace changes! You've heard the old saying, "when one door is closed...." It's true. Learning to accept changes opens your world up for branching out and discovering new things. Linear thinking may be good for things like math, but life is full of paths and branches off in many different directions. Finding yourself stuck and then refusing to embrace a change means you might be missing out on some awesome things down another path.

3. Develop problem solving skills and use them frequently. Whenever a new problem is at hand, make a list of potential ways you can solve it. Give yourself opportunities to work through problems that are easy and gradually face the bigger ones. Seek outside help if you simply do not know how to solve a problem. Therapists can be great tools to help you build your problem solving skills.

4. Learn to adapt. Sometimes we simply cannot change a situation. This is true of chronic illness and other situations that we have absolutely no ability to stop. Learning to adapt is one of the most important things you can do at times like this. Instead of asking yourself, "how can I still live my life with this 'thing'?" Ask yourself, "How can I make this thing work with my life?" Do not give up your power over your life, adapt. Understand that changes may be necessary and learn to make them.

5. Set boundaries for yourself. Sometimes this means eliminating negative relationships. Sometimes this means understanding your challenges and strengths and acting accordingly. Being resilient also means knowing your strengths and weaknesses and using them in everyday life to be the best you can be. Being an over achiever often leads to frustration and resentment. Do what you CAN and do it with a happy heart. If you can do extra..it's a bonus. It's OK to say, "this is what I am capable of at this moment." Understand that your abilities may change..adapt when that happens.

6. Nurture yourself!! Having a rough day? Relax, pamper yourself, get extra sleep, decline offers to do more. Keep your power by not over extending yourself. People who are constantly saying "yes" to doing more often find themselves frustrated. This goes back to knowing your limits and setting boundaries.

7. Develop a strong social network. Although chatting with a friend will not make problems go away, it allows you to unload some of the burden so that you can carry on. Surround yourself with people who are positive and strive to nurture their own lives and the lives of those they love. In moments of hardship, it is important to have support.

8. Learn to love yourself. No amount of changing your physical appearance will change what's inside you. Learn to love this part of you first..the rest will fall in line.

9. See changes as progression. It is important to keep moving forward. The bad thing that may have happened may be the fuel to push you to a greater cause. With every hard event, we build on our ability to overcome more and more. They help us learn who we are and who we don't want to be.

Young People For The Win!

 I was asked to be on a panel for the Youth Summit. I never considered the impact it would have on me.. I knew I was expected to go in and talk about how bullying has affected my family, and share with the teens our own personal story about the struggles we've gone through as a result of having a daughter who is transgender.

What I didn't realize, was that I would walk away feeling a sense of renewed pride in the younger generation.

Ninety students are chosen from neighboring schools to take part in this summit. The purpose is to raise awareness of problems like bullying..and to have the students organize and plan ways to get involved in their communities and personal lives to make positive change. The students are not chosen based on status, grades, race, or any other qualifier. They are chosen because they have expressed a desire to be a part of a group who is seeking ways to make our communities, schools, and homes..better places for everyone.

Before the panel discussion began, I was able to sit in the back and watch these young minds brainstorm together about the social problems they see and experience.

Several things that I was a bit shocked to discover:
Administration and adults are often encouraging bullying and/or bullying people
There is still a tremendous amount of self imposed racial segregation. There is little to no education offered to students to encourage mixing of races and cultures to improve interaction with one another.
There is no education about gender issues, sexual orientation issues, and how to handle them or understand them.
Students often feel they have hit a dead end when trying to speak out about injustice. Despite the "zero tolerance" policy most schools have put into place, there is little follow through and consequence for bullying behavior.

These factors were disturbing to me. I have experienced them through my daughter's high school career, but I almost felt as though what she went through was more of an isolated incident. Sad to find out that it is much more prevalent than I thought. I'm a believer that much needs to be taught at home. The fact is, we are no longer part of a society where that always occurs, whether it's due to parent's working or just an overall lack of important dialogue in the home. I also feel that schools have been forced to follow a curriculum based on what will show on standardized testing..this leaves little room for abstract education. This is a failure on a grand scale.

On to the positive...

Above all, the thing I was most impressed with was the desire among these kids to create a stronger sense of community where each person feels a sense of responsibility to their peers.

So encouraging!

While I was supposed to be there to share my own personal experiences, I was overcome with the need to praise them, bolster them, and encourage them for being a generation of people that can see past the racial, religious, cultural, sexual, gender, and physical boundaries and hold a strong conviction that we all deserve to be treated equally.

This gives me so much hope for the future. To think that the younger generation is more apt to see past the things that really don't matter. To know that equality isn't a question of want or who...it just is.

I am excited to see the changes that will take place as they get older and become adults who stand united in the belief that we are all people..despite the differences on the outside.

The Monster Without a Face

This week has been one of shittiest weeks I've had in a long time. (I'm not going to sugar coat) This post is meant to be therapeutic for me. I feel the incredible urge to try to find some positive when I feel myself slipping into a negative space. If I can educate or inform anyone via this post..then it makes my pain worth it.

I have lived with this monster called RSD since November of 2011. Since then, there has not been one day that I have not had some level of pain. At the beginning, I thought I was going to lose my mind from it. It was new and scary and I had not developed the coping skills to manage it. In the three years since, I have learned to try to adapt, accept, cry when I need to, yell when I need to, and most of all.. allow myself to understand the importance of knowing that even though I may be in serious pain in this moment..the next moment offers hope that it will be less pain. It keeps me going and helps me not feel the foreverness of being in pain.

I'm not feeling strong today..or yesterday. The cold has been crippling for me. I have not been out of my house more than a couple times a week since the winter set in and it's making me feel like a prisoner. One step into the cold air and I am overtaken by a pain so immense that it feels like I'm being hit with a sledgehammer. Layering clothes has not helped, in fact..it's a double edged sword. I long for summer where I don't have fabric touching my leg causing it to feel like I am being electrocuted. Yet, if I don't layer socks..my foot and ankle get so cold that I can't walk without feeling like they are going to explode. Simple activities like walking upstairs to use the restroom feel like a chore..and I will literally put it off till I can't anymore. Standing at the stove to cook a meal for my family is nearly impossible and I am forced to use a stool while I cook.

More than anything, I just miss the normalcy of everyday life as I knew it. I miss going for hikes with my husband. I miss being playful in a physical way. I miss walking through a store and am always so embarrassed to use a wheelchair, but the alternative is severe pain and swelling for hours. I miss so much because I have to plan, adapt, and sometimes just say it's not a possibility without consequences.

Why am I telling you this? It's humbling and embarrassing for me. But, I feel it needs to be said.

Chronic pain is silent. Those who suffer from it are often misunderstood because you can't always see it. A staggering 86% of people who live with it suffer from depression. Latest scientific studies show that the suicide rate of those who suffer from chronic pain is now 30%. That means three out of ten people will end their lives to end the cycle of pain.

Although I am not suicidal..I can definitely say I understand getting stuck in the scary feeling that you will feel intense pain every single day of your life. Fortunately, I've learned to view pain as less and more. Some days I will have less, and that..keeps me from giving up. I hold onto that knowledge and I can say keep going. For some, that is not enough. Pain can be so blinding, it can steal one's ability to see past it.

There is no single part of a persons life that isn't affected by living with chronic pain. It can ruin friendships, marriages, and all manner of interpersonal relationships. It can leave people in poverty due to the inability to work. It causes other health problems due to the stress it causes emotionally and physically. In short, chronic pain has tendrils that can worm their way inside every part of your life.

How can you and I help others who suffer from some form of chronic pain? It's so important that we all educate ourselves on this topic. You could be the person that someone reaches out to, and knowing what to do or not do could mean they will reach out again..possibly at a time where they are considering ending their life.

1. Listen- sometimes we just need to cry and have what appears to be a meltdown. Someone may sound hopeless and sad..just listen. Just hold them. Let them say all the dark things that they hold in their minds.

2. Know when to act and when not to act- if a person is actively suicidal, please do not ignore that. If a person is just needing to release, understand that there is not really anything you need to do besides just be there for them. Don't feel helpless that you can't fix the situation. Don't offer a million suggestions and home remedies. A person who truly suffers from chronic pain has probably tried everything they can to get away from the pain. It only serves to frustrate them more having to explain it all to you.

3. Understand that a person may not vocalize that they are in pain. Look for silent cues like wincing, stopping, scowling, grimacing, holding a body part, breathing deeply or gasping, teeth clenching or grinding. If you see this happening, give them a moment and gently ask if you can help. If they say no, stay with them until they can move on.

4. Understand that they may have physical limitations. Just because you may not see a cast or an outward sign that they are in pain does not mean it's not there. If you see a person using a wheelchair, don't assume that because you can't see what's wrong..that they are lazy. Same goes for handicapped parking. Know that there will be things that are hard for them to do or that may cause their pain to worsen. So if they decline, do not take it personally. Do not tell them they just need to push through it.

5. Understand if a person who is in pain seems touchy or moody. They are trying their best to manage their own feelings. They may be feeling anxious and sad, it is not your fault. Sometimes patience is hard in these situations. If you find yourself losing patience, then take a break. Don't take it out on them...allow for apologies when they can. This does not give the person the right to walk all over your feelings, please, tell them that you are hurt..but know that nine times out of ten, their bad mood has nothing at all to do with you.

6. Educate yourself on the cause of your loved one's chronic pain. Ask them what triggers worse pain for them. Ask them what helps it. Ask them what you can do to help and what not to do. If there is a disease that is causing the pain, research it.

7. Know your own limitations. If you can't help or understand, do not get involved and create frustration for the both of you.

8. Find ways to adapt your plans so that you can involve your loved one in a way that makes it possible for them. One of the hardest things is to watch your family or friends carry on and leave you behind. Although it's not always possible every time, please..try your best to do this frequently.

9. Understand that there may be periods of time when your loved one may feel the need to isolate or withdraw. It's not out of hurt or anger towards you. Sometimes, it's important for us to sleep more, get out of our own heads and reality by doing something mindless like video games. Honestly, sometimes we withdraw because we feel we are hindering others from doing what they really want to do..and we don't want to be a millstone.

Thanks for reading this if you've made it this far. You've made my crappy couple of days worth it because I now know you are armed with some information that can help someone.

Tomorrow is a new day and it holds the possibility of less pain. To that, I say..I am thankful.

Respect

The image above is known as the thin blue line. Police officers wear this badge with pride. It denotes the fine line between good and bad. The blue line represents the men and women who put their hearts and souls and  lives into their work. The blue line separates good and evil...or in translation, police officers are the defense that protects the rest of us from those who would seek to harm us, our family and loved ones, our property, and all that encompasses.

I have witnessed, first hand, the comradery between the men and women who serve as law enforcement. It is a bond that is not easily shaken. They will stand side by side in solidarity to uphold what is right and fight against what is wrong.

I am married to a police officer. I know the insane hours they work, the sickening situations they are involved in, the heart wrenching scenarios, the dangerous moments, and the memorable moments that have shaped their lives. I've spent hours awake, wringing my hands with worry..knowing my husband was on a call where there were weapons involved and that he and his comrade's lives were at risk. I've sat by the phone all night, just waiting to hear that they all were OK. I've cried when I knew he was going to miss a special family event because somewhere, someone needed help more than I needed to have him home to celebrate a birthday.

But they continue to go back for every shift. It isn't for the pay or the glamour. These people choose this profession because there is a part of them that is called to it. They feel a strong sense of community and duty to their fellow person. They put their lives on the line every time they suit up and hit the streets..all because the drive to protect others is so strong.

As with all professions. There are a few who have no place in law enforcement. They abuse their power. They abuse people. Law enforcement is not unique in that sense. In any situation, you will have someone who's personal gain drives them to make terrible choices.

I have noticed a rise (or maybe I started paying attention more) in demeaning comments and jokes aimed at law enforcement. Some of these comments are fueled from tragic events involving a "bad egg". Some of the jokes are made because a person got a ticket...and now they are bitter and feel it's OK to disrespect police officers. The media focuses on the situations that will get the most publicity and yet, ignore the thousands of officers who are doing good and positive things in our communities.

I take offense to these types of things. Not only because I stand firm in the belief that stereotyping is harmful as a whole, but because I have experienced what most police officers really stand for. Justice, equality, safety, security..to name a few things. They will risk their own lives to save a person they have never met. That's more than I can say many of us would do when faced with a situation like that.

I just want to take a moment to thank all of you who proudly earned your place in law enforcement. You are the first people to be called on in an emergency and the first people to be demeaned for doing a job that most wouldn't have the capacity to do.

I also want to challenge the rest of you to really think about what being a police officer entails. Think of all the scary and dangerous scenarios that you can....and that is what they face. Think about what you would do in a situation where your family's lives were at risk, who would you call on? Go beyond that and think about that officer's personal life. Most of them have families and loved ones of their own..who want them home safe.

Please consider things like this before negatively speaking of the very people who live to serve and protect you and yours.