Wonderlust

Everyone talks about wAnderlust and the desire to travel the world. While there are places I'd love to experience firsthand, it is not a driving force for me. 

I have wOnderlust. 

I have this intrinsic need to use my imagination. This is probably why I get along with children so well. They aren't hardened by life's experiences and are able to imagine entire worlds full of wonder. 

I hear so many adults say they've lost their sense of imagination, and it makes wonder how I could function without it. It allows me to imagine a happier me..and fuels my desire to achieve it. It allows me to write music, write stories, daydream, fall asleep, see the awesomeness that is finding another human who allows themselves to free fall into that space in our mind where there is nothing but what we create in the moment. 

I've been called eccentric, a hippie, ridiculous (I love being called that), weird...the list goes on and on. Every time it happens, I respond with, "thank you!" Thank you world for reminding me that there is something in me that stands up against normal worldly expectations and reminds me that I will always be my own person. 

I write furiously like I am Harriet The Spy. I realize if I said everything I think, I'd probably be asked what medications I didn't take or if I was dropped on my head as an infant. Between all of my journals and this blog, I can only hope that someday, when I'm gone, my kids will finally read them and laugh and cry at all of the internal dialogue they never got to hear and it reminds them to FEEL. Feel everything, even when it sucks. To create their own worlds within themselves and to wonder at it all.

I don't shield myself from pain. I actually find myself wondering how much of it I can take before I literally break from it...I push that boundary every single day and it forces me to use my imagination to get through it. I don't hide from love. Whether it's familial, friendship, or unfettered love for another human. It hurts sometimes, but wow is it a feeling like no other. Pain and love are fuel for imagination.

Much of the time, people lose their imaginative ability because they are stuck in their own boundaries of safety and control. 

To that I say, "tear down this wall!!!" Wait, that was the Hoff. 

I digress. 

I'm off to flounce around in this light blue skirt and imagine what it would be like if someone came to dance with me to no music..just the laughter we make. 

This Little Light Of Mine

I can't pretend to understand the ways of the universe. I simply don't understand. It's hard to accept that life can give us so much and then take it away in a moment. 

What I do know is this... I have to try to learn to cherish the time I am given and hold on to the gift that it is. It is a mantra I repeat several times a day since you've gone. 

Charlie, you were an outstanding man. You could never know the fissure your absence has left. Every day since you've passed, I've tried to take the beautiful times we shared and lay those memories gently inside this crack in my heart to try to fill the void and dissipate the pain. 

Patience. That is my lesson in life right now. Waiting for time to dull the ache of this loss. 

My memories of our time together are all I have..but they are everything. 

Despite your own hardships, you were a light. There wasn't a day that went by that you didn't strive to tell show me how special I was. Sometimes, it was just by being a presence. Just the gentle presence that was you, standing with me in a unified way. Sometimes, it was words that would wrap themselves around my heart, feeling like a tight hug for the soul. Other times, it was glaringly obvious that your goal was to lift me up and remind me that life is better because I am a part of it. 

And my life is better because you were a part of it. No matter how much pain I feel. You will always be a light inside me. There will always be a space in my heart that beats steady and strong because it is you. 

There will never be another Squabbit, or baked potato, or Otter. You were too unique to replace. 

It's not goodbye forever, Charlie...because you'll never be truly gone. Your body may be, but the memory of you is forever.

And I am so thankful for that. 

I love you

Forty...And Very Serious About It

I rarely celebrate my birthday publicly. In fact, most years, it comes and goes with just quiet recognition from my kids and loved ones in the form of a sweet note or message. And I'm OK with that. It's not a matter of freaking out about my age. More, it's just that it's a day where I turn a year older and keep going. 

This year, I turned forty. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. You are only as old as you feel. That's the problem. I don't feel my age. I feel like I'm still an energetic ball of fluff n stuff who refuses to settle into the routine of life that many people do at my age. My kids are all adults. To me, this a time of freedom and discovery. 

So here are some goals for this year. Cause it seems the adult thing to do. Set goals. Yeah, that's it. 

1. Make my bed when I get up instead of when I go to bed. 

This seems adult. Who doesn't want to get up from a sleepy slumber and immediately straighten their life out to that degree? Me. If I remember to put clothes on before I leave my bedroom...that's a fight I've won for the day. 

2. Turn my music down in the car. 

This is a straight up shame. I am lying saying this is a goal. I don't care who stares at me headbanging...even if I am old. And usually in pigtails. And I wear geeky glasses. I seriously don't know how to act my age. Screw this goal...moving on. 

3. Hug the shit out of people. 

That's right, I'm old now. I can do things that make people feel just a little uncomfortable and get away with it because...old. If I see you, expect to get hugged...rather tightly. I don't care if I meet you in a public restroom. This is going to happen. Embrace it..and me..and the awkwardness of it all. 

4. Give my heart a workout. 

Don't be cute and think I'm going to start running. I have no time for that nonsense. I'm talking about doing things that scare the piss out of me and make my heart beat like a metronome out of control. It's time to start taking some risks and give myself mini heart attacks in the process. I got this. I am not at all a person who has become accustomed to routine and predictability. I am a rebel!!!

5. Be more lady like. 

Well. I've already screwed that one up on almost a daily basis since I turned forty. Ask my neighbors. They've all caught me being very unlady like in my pool. Maybe a more realistic goal would be to just keep my clothes on in MOST situations. This goal thing is hard. I already feel defeated. 

6. Tone down the humor and get very serious about life.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....HAHAHAHA...HA

That's almost as easy for me as wearing clothing. When I say get serious about life, I literally mean I'm going to make it my goal to LIVE life to it's fullest. That includes laughing until I can't breathe, even if it's just at my own jokes. 

7. Eat more cheese.

This. This I can do. Sorry in advance to my digestion....but it's cheese. I simply can't say no. 

8. Embrace the fact that most people just don't get me.

How??? How do people not get me? Am I really so random that I'm just a big (cause I'm fat) question mark in people's thoughts? I am going to embrace this by embracing the few who do..cause you all rock. \m/  And by embracing, I mean I'm gonna hug the shit out of you. Sorry not sorry.

9. Say "No"

This is one of those goals that also helps me fulfill another goal, because it gives me a mini heart attack when I say "no" to people. At least some of the time. I have taken honesty to a whole new level. Sometimes, I want to just lay in bed and watch youtube videos like a mindless robot. If, in that time, you ask me to hang out.. you may be met with a response such as, "Hi. No. I don't want to come see you nor do I want company. I am naked and watching mindless videos. I can't be moved enough to get up or get dressed. Another time, perhaps." Telling people, "no" is essential to my well being and my data plan on my phone. 

10. Sing...all the songs. 

Don't be shocked if I send you a video of me singing. Don't be shocked if I'm in a vehicle with you and I sing to you. Try not to freak out if I'm laying down peacefully, quietly singing a song to myself. Sure it's a bit creepy..just go with it. I. NEED. TO. SING. 

I feel accomplished. I feel good about these goals. Fuck you, Forty. 

We Are All Afraid

It's hard to break away from the cycle of fear that pervades much of our thinking. From a young age, we are taught that life should follow a certain path. There is little discussion about what happens when we deviate from that path, just an ingrained sense of order and function. 

I am not suggesting that order does not play an important role in life. 

Rather, I am suggesting that when we are ruled by it.. when we let life's predetermined code of behavior and expected function, rule all of our choices, there is no room for creative deviance or emotionally driven freedom. 

Responsibility in life seems to be the order of the day..every day. Work hard, pay our bills, sleep, eat, clean...these are all daily functions that, yes, do a play a significant role in our ability to interact in society. We need money to function on a base level. We all want shelter, food, clothing, and the comfort of knowing we have a place to lay our heads at night. Those are basic human needs. Past that, what is being without money going to do to us? Nothing. It's a preconceived notion that more of it will make us happier, and it may for a short time when you buy something you've really wanted. At the end of the day though, there is no promise that the thing that money paid for, will always be there. Every THING is temporary. 

When it comes to matters of the heart, we are told that we will find some ONE who is just right for us. We hold onto that notion and search for a perfection that doesn't exist. Every relationship is hard on some level. Apart from that chemically driven physical response, it's all in our heads. We have to nurture happiness in relationships. When we enter into a relationship based on doing what we think is best because of how it will fit our lives, we cut out all possibility of creative bonding and growth with another human. 

We fear failure in love, work, family, and just about every other aspect of our lives. This fear is all based on expectations for ourselves and others. Expectations that are future based. Expectations that we can't control the outcome of. I can and have expected to be with someone for a long time, only to have them disappear or lose interest. In the end of it, I had to grieve the loss of them in my life and also bury the expectations I had. 

What if we could just look at another person and think about what it would be like to just enjoy them? Enjoy them for who they are at that very moment. Not who your mind tells you they should be to you or how they fit into your life's plan....just enjoy the moments that we have with them in a very aware and present way. Willingly take from them what they are offering you and see it as a gift that you can carry in your memory even when they are no longer part of your lives. 

What if we looked at the jobs we hold and the income we have as a tool rather than a vehicle to drive us towards a false sense of happiness? What if we really sat down and thought about how money does not make us who we are. What if we sit with the thought that it could be gone in an instant? I have been homeless. I have had to scrimp and save and sell things to feed myself. I have had to ask for help. Yet, I survived that, not just intact..but in a better place than I was before. I have had careers that I loved, but I can also enjoy that talent outside of a 9-5 job. I don't need the order of that job to remind me that it is what's in me that really makes me happy. 

So much of our preconceived "failure" to follow an arbitrary path laid out for us before we can even speak, propels us into growth. 

It's when we step off that path that creativity and dreams can guide our next steps. 

Of all of the choices I have made in life, the ones that are spurred by my dreams and my heart...are the most memorable and life changing. Whether they last for minutes, days, months, or years..they are the most beautiful, soul altering, and joyful moments I have experienced. 

It's hard to break away from the thinking of 'this is what I've been taught to do and this is what I've always done.' It's fine to amass a small amount of contentment from the knowing and the routine in life. Just know that whether or not you are prepared, it can change in an instant..and what you are left with is the creative thought process that will move you forward to the next phase. 

If you never nurture that part of you, you will feel lost. 

I had someone I care for, say, "how do you change what you've always done and known? How do you even know what you should change?"

We have to dream. Even if it's seems scary. We have to let our creative mind take over, more often than not, and let it steer us into the unknown. That hazy place where there is no definition, and no walls to stop you...just a place where we can roam freely and discover the possibilities of what we can create within ourselves. We have to take risks. We have to do things because they are new and different and crazy and unplanned. If we don't, we will never discover that change that could make us feel like we are more than just existing from day to day. 

I'm not implying that we can just get rid of fear of the unknown. I am saying that we can let it keep us stuck or we can use it as fuel to create a better life for ourselves. We can hold onto it and wrestle it into a submissive place in the corner of your mind where it can be quieted so that we are free to roam the depths of what else is there inside our creative conscience. 

Do, say, or think something, today, that pushes you out off that cliff of the unknown..and fly. 

Phoenix

Some days, I am burning with a passion so deep

For life, for love, for meaning

Some days, I am merely existing

And that's ok

Some days, there is an abundance of joy welling from within me

And I can't contain it..and I use my voice to share it

Some days, are drowned in tears

And I'm just trying to float with them as they wash me clean

Some days, I crave love so strong

That it could make universe shiver with growth

Some days, I am a pile of ashes

With one tiny spark of hope within

And it ignites

And I rise again

Time To Grow..Again

No matter how barren I feel, life finds a way to remind me that it keeps going. 

Sometimes, I shut my eyes to it. I bleed my heart out through my tears. I think that I can't take the realness for another minute. I feel like a tree that has lost all of it's leaves, my limbs unshielded from the harsh sun and wind. My roots are dry and curling in on me. 

And then it rains. 

The rain washes off my dust and let's me drink from the Earth. It reminds me, even if only in a small way, that I'm still here and that life keeps going and I can choose to be stuck, or I can choose to take the gift it has given me. Another day to do better and be better. 

It is a cycle that repeats itself..until we take our last breath. 

Lately, I've been harsh with myself for not feeling so resilient. I am having a hard time accepting that I'm just not ok, yet. I pride myself in my ability to persevere, to fight for my own happiness. I am resilient. But, I am also a sapling. I need nurturing, time, and patience to grow through this cycle. I need to give myself the right to heal at a pace that is necessary for the lessons that are hidden deep inside the pain. 

I don't have a lot of close friends. I choose that for myself. I make the decision, often, to let or not let people into the heart of me. So many people just wish to trample on the small shoots of growth that reside in us. Some people just want to see your pain. Their curiosity feels like a magnifying glass in the sun, reflecting off of your naked soul. It hurts. 

And sometimes, I feel like I could spill my emotions and it still wouldn't be enough to explain how I feel. I could empty myself of all of my contents and all someone else would see is a puzzle that they want no part in helping put together, and I'm just standing there looking at my pieces while they walk away without even helping me put them back inside to me again.

Then there are people, no, blessings, that have entered my life in this season. Wonderful humans that know that they can't fix me, but they can water me. They can nurture me. They hear my heart. They remind me of the strength I have to grow again if I am patient and accept the pace that has been set for now. 

Someday, I will be a beautiful tree full of colorful leaves, swaying in the soft breeze of life and fluidly bending and flexing along with it. 

Until then, thank you to the sewers of seeds, the waterers, and the nurturers. Thank you for meeting me where I am at and holding steady with me. Thank you for encouraging me without pushing me too hard. Thank you for being you..and know I will also nurture your soul in return when you choose to let me.  

The Wind

If I listen to the wind as it sings

I can hear your voice again. 

I can hear your laughter again.

I can hear you say, "this is everything" again......

And I don't know whether to cry or thank the universe.

I yell into the wind

My voice gets lost

For Charlie

It's been a long time since I've written here. 

This year has been a whirlwind of pain and growth. Interesting how you can't have one without the other. It's a hard pill to swallow, but it's reality. The biggest and healthiest changes have come from pain so deep, I wondered how I would ever see light again. 

I choose to live in the present as much as my anxious brain will allow me to. When I shut down the worries and plans and past.. I am free to live each moment like it is all there is. I am able to love more deeply because I am not weighted down with expectations. 

It has left me vulnerable. At times, it's the most freeing feeling in the world. Knowing that my heart is wide open to possibilities. Knowing a person can reach right inside of me and touch my heart because I am allowing it...not for personal gain, not because I need it. Simply because the world is full of beautiful people and each of them, when I allow it, can teach me something about them and myself. 

I opened my heart to a beautiful person. 

I don't regret it for a moment.

He taught me that it was OK to take risks. He reminded me that sometimes, things just happen when we least expect them to..and all we can control is our reaction. Mostly, he taught me how to accept that there are circumstances that are beyond our control, sad and gut wrenching truths that most people would run away from. But I didn't, because I loved the realness of it. Even when it hurt and still hurts..its more real than so much that I had experienced. And wow, is that a gift. To know that when we bare ourselves, even the pain is beautiful because it reminds us that this is what it's about. Riding the bull of life, even if it's for seconds..hanging on and falling off and trying again. 

I've vacillated for some time now on how to honor his memory in writing. 

I don't want sympathy for the loss. I don't even want people to feel sympathy for the situation. I want to express just how important it is to cherish the time we have with someone. 

We are promised nothing. Every choice we make is a calculated risk or an all out gamble. 

I want to remember that even though many things end in pain, they were so worth it. As it has been said, life is not about the destination..its about the path there. If we plan our choices because they feel safe or because we feel it is the easiest path, we are disillusioned. It serves no purpose but to shelter you from so many unseen lessons and beautiful moments. 

I've cried so many tears. Not because I regret my decision to open myself up to the hurt I experienced, but because I opened myself up to a season of love so real, that I am forever changed by a person who reached right in, took my heart in their hands.. and walked with me as my equal..carrying our hearts together. Beating and bare and open to receiving the quiet messages the universe is always whispering in our ear...but we live so loudly we can't hear it. 

So instead of pouring out my sorrow to you, instead of asking you to hold my hand.. I ask you, in Charlie's honor, to live. To love. To know that we are all broken on some level and that it's ok. To know that even when someone so beautiful leaves your life, you have to remember to be thankful that they took the time to share minutes, days, months.. of themselves with you. It doesn't stop the acute sadness of loss, but it reminds you to be thankful for it. 

Because the pain is worth it all when it comes to knowing you shared love with another human.  

Fly high my significant otter. I promise not to drift off into the ocean. I'll just lay here for a bit and ride the waves as they wash over me.