I fooled you by the title. It made it seem as though I was going to give you sound advice to get a baby to sleep. Here's the thing, I can't help you much...because when it comes to nap time, babies turn into politicians who will bargain and argue any way they can, just to fight sleep.
I'm getting the chance to relive all those wonderful moments with our grandson. My daughter is almost 19 years old, so I had forgotten (or buried in my sub-conscience) how fun (read: challenging) nap time can be at times. Our little one has brought it all back for me. (and I wouldn't change any of it for the world)
Step one: Know your child's prerequisites for nap time. (subject to change every day or every minute)
Soft blanket, white noise, dim lighting, rhythmic patting of his back, boobs to lay on, soft rubbing of his face and hair, a constant "shh shh" sound, and also...patience.
Step two: Get into the position. (subject to change every day or every minute)
Gently coax your baby to lay their head down so they can snap it back up and look at you like you have gone mad.
Position them on your chest and cover them up with a comfy blanket- repeat this step up to a hundred times.
Re-position them because you are crazy enough to think that this will make a huge difference. It does not.
Step three- I've got rhythm, I've got music...
Holy crap!! Your baby has laid their head down and they are rubbing their eyes! Time to act fast! Start slowly bouncing them and patting their back, taking care to not break your rhythm. One off beat could potentially lead to the child bucking against you to show their displeasure. If you are lucky, they will allow you a second chance. If you are unlucky, you are starting back at step two.
Step four- It's all about coordination and multitasking.
You've got the gentle patting, the baby is in position.... now you must add the "shushing." Not too loud, not too quiet, and definitely rhythmic. Do NOT blow out air on the child's face whilst shushing. They will squint and then pull away from you like you just smacked them with a pair of dueling gloves, and once again, you will have to start back at step two.
Step five- The eye droop.
You're nearly there!! You're baby's eyes are getting heavy. Their breathing is becoming more rhythmic. Their muscles and body are starting to slacken. Don't stop now! I don't care how tired your arm is from patting and bouncing. I don't care if you feel like you are going to hyperventilate from the constant blowing of air from shushing. Your back hurts? You will appreciate that pain once baby is asleep! DON'T GIVE UP!!!
Step six- Oh shit
Your child has suddenly snapped out of their sweet little siesta. There is no reason. I can give you no logical reason why this occurs, other than it's probably some act of karma from when you've done something wrong years ago. The sweet little sleepy baby has now popped their head up and pushed away from you and has started laughing and bouncing. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS! They are still tired, they are trying to trick you...because babies are good at tricking us. How many times have you bent over and retrieved a toy they've thrown onto the floor? They've got us just where they want us.
Step seven- Reasoning
Start using phrases like, "Shhh, it's sleep time." "We can play later, now it's time to rest." "Please stop pulling on my lip, we need to be gentle." "Please don't use my boobs as your personal drum set. It hurts when you slap them like you are the lead drummer from a heavy metal band."
Repeat steps two through five. Sorry, that's the ugly truth. Your gonna do this as many times as it takes, because let's face it, you need some down time as much as your tired child needs to sleep.
Step eight- Relocation
Holy crap on a cracker, you did it!! Baby is sleeping. Their jaw is slack. Their little eyelids are twitching in REM sleep. Take a moment to look at them and think about how sweet and cuddly and cute they are while they are asleep...because you've already forgotten your frustration with repeating the previous steps. They are asleep, life is perfect and so are they.
It's time to lay them down now. Slowly, slowly... peel them away from your body (they turn into little fruit roll ups, stuck to a sheet of plastic) and lay them down. Back away slowly. Practice has taught you to know every squeaky floor board in your house, make sure to jump over them softly.
Step nine- Wait it out
This is the moment when life stands still. Will they stay asleep? Will they suddenly wake themselves up and raise their eyebrows at you as if to say, "GOTCHA SUCKA!!!!" Only time will tell.
In the event of the latter, start back at step two. Sorry!!
In the event that they are indeed, truly, deeply, wonderfully, amazingly asleep.. REJOICE!!!!! You only have to do this two or three more times today!
