Cell Phone Challenge-2 Weeks Later

Two weeks ago I said I was going to challenge myself to give up almost all use of my cellphone. To see that post, go here: http://sparrowsramblings.blogspot.com/2014/03/are-you-ready-for-challenge.html

Not only did I go above and beyond what my challenge goals were, I found it surprisingly easy!

OK, OK, so the first two days were a little strange. I found myself reaching for my phone as I normally did and had to actually put it out of my sight to stop the habit of doing that. In fact, I was downright shocked at how habitual it had become.

The day before the challenge started, my husband and I talked about it, went over the goals, and agreed to try our hardest. I even went as far as to tell my family and friends about it, so they would know that I was not ignoring them. I also deleted all social media apps off my phone.

I got in the habit of leaving my phone in my glove compartment before heading in to appointments or stores. This was a huge accomplishment for me. I held firmly to the rule of not using my phone in the company of others, except for one time when I was visiting at a friend's house and wanted to tell my daughter goodnight.

It was really interesting to sit with someone and give them my undivided attention without interruption. I have to admit that this was not a huge problem for people outside of my home. My family were the ones that had to put up with my rudeness and lack of attention. It felt awesome to actively listen and make eye contact without saying, "just a second, I need to check who's texting me".

It has been absolutely freeing to let go.

Interestingly enough, during the two weeks of the challenge we had to buy our daughter a new phone as hers had broken. At Verizon, I asked about our data plans because I wanted to make sure we weren't in danger of going over our allowance. I actually asked about cancelling my data plan.. I had come to that point. I realized that I could easily live without a smart phone. Unfortunately, I would have to buy a new phone to do that.. but I think I will be doing that once this phone no longer works.

I asked my husband if he wanted me to write about how he did with it..and he said it was ok.

Simply put, he didn't try at all. He was really great if I asked specifically for him to put his phone away..but otherwise, it was as if we had never discussed the challenge.

I'm going to admit, I was a bit disappointed that no one else accepted the challenge. It would have been fun to see how it changed other's perspectives on it. Kudos to my cousin who isn't a cell phone user but did agree to challenge herself to not use her computer as much!

I haven't decided where to go from here as far as allowing myself to have the social media apps on my phone again. I can for sure say this.. I will continue to leave my phone in my car. I will continue to put it on vibrate and not use it in the presence of others unless there is an actual need. I will use it as a phone and not a portable entertainment device.

I've made some really great changes and had some pretty awesome discoveries by stepping away from my phone, I can't see me going back to the way it was two weeks ago.

Leaving The Nest

Tonight, a friend asked us if we wanted to go on a couples vacation with her and her boyfriend in September.

My first thought (as always) was.. my daughter.

For nearly eighteen years, all of my decision making has been based on what her needs are.

Then reality slapped me hard across the face, reminding me that she will be in college..and I immediately felt lost. I realized I had no reason to NOT go on a vacation. Yet I couldn't bring myself to say yes to the offer. I was so overwhelmed in that single moment, that I couldn't possibly make a choice without thinking about her first.

What if there was an emergency and I was far away?
What if she was sad and I wasn't near enough to pick her up from school and comfort her?
What if she ran out of money and needed food?

What if......

Do I know how to exist in a capacity that isn't tied to mothering? Have I lost my identity and sense of adventure because I have lived for her happiness and her needs?

I'm wrestling with these thoughts. The logical and reasonable part of me knows that it's healthy for her to move on from the shelter of my arms. To experience HER life, to find HER path, to live in a way that is free and full of purpose. I know this.

The emotional part of me never wants to let her get too far away...and it's fear based. I know better than to think that I can protect her from life by just keeping her safe in my nest. I know that's unhealthy. I know I need to let go.

It's just..so very hard. The hardest thing I've ever faced.

And I'm so sad. I will have to go days without her hugs. I wont get to do our silly things that we do almost every day. Mostly, I wont get to look in her eyes and see if she's truly happy or not..at any given moment.

A few weeks ago, she and I had a conversation about my feelings about her going to college.
Her: Mama, if you could keep me here forever, would you?
Me: Honestly? Yes... You are my baby. You will always be my baby.
Her: Do you think that's healthy?
Me: No! I know better. I know you need to live your life and that you have to learn to take care of yourself.
Her: I'm excited and scared at the same time.
Me: Do you think that's healthy?
Her: Yes.. yes I do.

And she's right.

I think back to when she was an infant. How there were some nights that she was sleepless..and thinking, "how many nights can I do this before I can't do it anymore?" I got through it, all moms do.

Funny that I'm feeling the same way right now. How will I get through this? I just keep reminding myself of the long weeks of sleepless nights...

I'll get through it. All moms do.

L,G,B.....you don't really know what to do with the T , do you?

Let's face some cold hard facts. If you are gay, lesbian, or bisexual...there is a great amount of support available for you. There is no shortage of support groups that can and will accept you for who you are.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's amazing that you have that support! It hasn't always been that way, and it's wonderful that we are moving along as a society and becoming more accepting and aware.

The problem with these support groups is that they've become a catch all. And while it's awesome that the gay and lesbian community is willing to accept everyone with open arms, acceptance is not all that is needed to help someone on their journey.

As a support group, it is imperative that everyone involved becomes education on the population that they are catering to. What may start out as good intention can quickly turn into a negative experience when people don't understand or learn the appropriate ways to interact with someone who is transgender.

I am an ally of the transgender population. I am outspoken, forthright, and unwilling to bend when it comes to the treatment of someone who is trans*. I have seen some recurring themes among G,L,B,T,Q,I groups and it is troubling to me. I have had more than one person who is transgender express their concerns about being part of these support groups.

It is your job, as a support group to have resources to help a person. It is not OK to assume that your challenges are the same, or that you can relate in the same way. In fact, it's better to say, "help me understand" than it is to say, "I know how you feel because..."

Be an ally by helping fight for civil rights that are lacking for the trans* community. Just like people have fought for the rights of the gay community for years, it is now time to pay it forward and keep our society evolving and learning.

No, trans* people do NOT want to be a part of your drag shows. In fact, it is sometimes viewed as a slap across the face to watch people use gender as entertainment. Do not ask them if they want to participate...they are not "gender illusionists", they are simply trying to live as the gender they identify as and do not want attention focused on them as they try to establish their life.

Stop asking when they "came out" to their friends and family. Their lives have been spent trying to understand themselves and their feelings. There is no celebration or coming out party for them. In fact, to focus on their sex assigned at birth is rude and demeans their feelings about their gender. Generally, it's a period of time that they would like to forget. Just like you, they were born this way.

No, they don't typically want to participate in rallies, parades, or other activities that draw attention to them. They came to you because they need allies, they felt that you would be accepting and understanding about their needs and difficulties in traversing through life as a trans* person. They don't want the pomp and circumstance, they just want friends who understand them.

Stop trying to guess who they are. We don't all need to have a label. Don't try to pigeon hole them by asking them how they identify, what their label is, why they are at your group. They will share what they are comfortable with..other than that, be a friend and assume that they need a friend.

Often times, there is a tremendous amount of emotional turmoil when learning to understand and identify your gender for what it is. As a support group, it is your job to provide resources and help in ways that do not make them a poster child. Let them be the silent partner in raising awareness. You be the voice they need.

Invite someone to speak to your group specifically about trans* issues, so that you can be made aware and educated. Research..research more...and share your knowledge with everyone who will listen.

Are You a Nag?

Definition of nag:

to annoy by persistent faultfinding, complaints, or demands

to keep in a state of troubled awareness or anxiety, as a recurrent pain or problem

to find fault or complain in an irritating, wearisome, or relentless manner

At some point in our lives, we have all been guilty of nagging. Whether it be a spouse, partner, child, coworker, or friend..at some point, someone's been on the receiving end of poorly directed frustration. It happens from time to time to the best of us. But what starts out as an isolated incident can turn into a negative habit that is so pervasive, that it can completely ruin relationships and have long lasting consequences.

Whether you are a spouse who constantly berates your partner for not helping around the house or a parent who bullies their child (nagging truly is a form of bullying) because they aren't meeting your expectations, it's important to understand the mechanics of this behavior. 

The whys- A person who nags generally can relate to one or more of the following:
1. The person you are nagging is not living up to your expectations. Reasonable or unreasonable, we often have very clear expectations of what we expect from others. 
2. You have poor methods of communication.
3. Your relationship is lacking boundaries and rules, or lacks consistent discipline.
4. Your sense of self is poor, therefore you want to seem in control.
5. You are over extending yourself and not asking for help before you fall apart.
6. You have, at some point, had the result you wanted from your negative means of communication.
7. You are hyper focused on the negative things in your relationships.
8. You are not addressing issues as they happen and are waiting until you are past the point of efficient dialogue.
9. You feel you are not heard and acknowledged. 

What happens to to the person who is being nagged? 
1. They learn to correlate communication with negativity and guilt.
2. They shut down. Often a person who is being nagged truly doesn't hear you because they've learned to tune you out to avoid the negative feelings that will occur.
3. They often match your anger or frustration with their own, causing a power struggle or escalating the situation.
4. They lose trust in you, stop confiding in you, avoid you, and learn to avoid feelings.
5. They don't know where they stand with you, so their behavior often becomes erratic and unpredictable.
6. They feel poorly about themselves because they know they are constantly letting you down.
7. They learn a cycle of negative communication that crosses over into other relationships.
8. They learn to expect and look for the negatives instead of the positives. 
9. They don't know when or how to properly express themselves or express problems because they haven't been taught to or they are afraid to.

These reactions ultimately lead to a tremendous breakdown in a relationship if they are not addressed and processed. I have witnessed romantic relationships crumble. I have seen children who begin to isolate and fear adult interaction because they are distrusting. 

Breaking the habit of nagging can prove to be a challenge. It becomes so ingrained that it often becomes the first reaction to a situation. Learning the reasons why you nag is the first step to overcoming this knee jerk reaction. It is important to begin focusing on your own intentions and feelings in order to understand why you nag. 

Repair your relationships by candidly talking to the person involved about your behavior. Apologize and come up with a plan about how you will handle frustrating situations. It is good practice to recognize the triggers and learn to step away for a moment to compose yourself and come up with a way to handle it. If you slip up, apologize again and start over. It will take practice.

If your child or children do not follow directions, understand that this is due to your parenting techniques. Boundaries, follow through, and discipline are taught...by you. By nagging them, you are ignoring the bigger problem of why they are misbehaving. 

Know your partner's strengths and weaknesses. Often times in relationships, we assume that our partner knows what we want and will act accordingly. Make it a habit to talk about your wants and needs, and listen to theirs. People are more willing to understand you when you take the time to understand them. 

In any relationship, it is important to look for the positives. The more you do this, the more inconsequential the negatives seem. There will always be disagreements and moments of unhappiness in relationships, but if you have laid a foundation of positivity, you will be able to build on that. Negativity is a weak foundation to any relationship and will crack and fall apart easily.

Are You Ready For A Challenge?

Cell phones are everywhere. It is more common to see someone with one than it is to see someone without one. These little boxes of handheld technology have permeated every aspect of our lives. In fact, there is not much you can't do with a phone. "There's an app for that" is true. They've replaced cameras, gps, tv, reading real books, the need for real face to face interaction with others, snail mail, going shopping, newspapers, magazines, alarm clocks, writing things down.. the list goes on and on and on.

There are some things that phones can not replace though. Real life, hands on experiences with the world around us. The ability to tangibly reach out and experience our surroundings. The wonder of watching events take place with our own eyes instead of through a lens. Human interaction on a base level..touching, talking, watching body language, experiencing a moment together. There have been so many times when we have gone out to eat and I've been saddened seeing a family or couple who are so immersed in their phones that there is no human interaction.

I would be a liar if I said that I haven't allowed my phone to take precedence at times when it shouldn't. This little plastic and glass gadget rarely leaves my side. And even though we have fairly strong rules about cell phones in our house and in public, I still find myself tethered in a way that is pervasive. There are notifications for every social media, messengers, and programs to share pictures and videos. It isn't until I turn my phone off that I realize I enjoy the silence and the lack of being available constantly.

There has been an article that has been circulating over Facebook. Have a read here:
http://www.oddcrunch.com/why-you-should-get-a-divorce/0

It got me thinking about just how much I've allowed my phone to become something I rely on..when I don't need to. I've been known to put people in real life on hold to take a call or check a message. That's not only unacceptable.. it's just shameful.

Kendrick and I have decided to create a challenge for ourselves. I'm hoping that you will join us and share your experiences with us. There is no question that this will be difficult on some level for everyone involved. The alternative is to continue to create an immunity to life experiences.. and to be honest, real life is more rewarding than anything a phone can offer.

Here's the challenge. My goal is to try this for two weeks to start, and then report my findings to you.

1. No phones at any meal
2. No checking or using the phone in the company of others unless there is an emergency.
3. As a passenger, no use of phone. Take the time to talk and look at the world around you in a different way.
4. Agree on a time to allow yourself to use your phone for entertainment. Up to an hour a day, no more.
5. Instead of using your phone to soothe your child, interact and play with them.
6. Set aside a place (a basket or bowl) for people to deposit their phones in during specific times like meals and family/friend/couple activities.
7. If you are at an event that you want to take pictures, but don't have a camera.. turn your phone on airplane mode and put it away after taking a few pictures.
8. If you use your phone as a gps, that is fine..but it should otherwise not be used in a vehicle for anything but that.
9. Use a computer to check your email and social media at moments throughout the day. Do not use your phone to check Facebook or any other social media unless you don't have a computer. If this is the case, use part of your allotted hour of entertainment to do so.
10. If you are outside, no phone use. Take the time to enjoy nature. There is no need for a phone in a situation like this.
11. Uninstall messengers. Use your computer at the proper times to check your messages.

Keep this list handy. Discuss it with those who are taking the challenge with you and come up with times and plans that suit your needs. Add to the list to make it work for you!

I do understand that there are some of you that use your phone for work, I understand this completely. Try to incorporate the challenge in other ways.

Comment on my Facebook post or on this blog to let me know you are involved! I am excited to see who will try it.

Things I'll Never Learn..Apparently

As I was standing at the sink rinsing off dishes, I did this...

As the water splashed and splattered all over me I thought to myself...

"Self....at 37 years old, you should know better than to keep doing this EVERY time you wash a spoon!"

Apparently, there are things that time and experience can't teach me. So I've compiled a list of stupid mistakes that I will probably make the rest of my life.

Shampoo in my eyes. How hard is it to remember to keep my eyes closed while washing my hair? Pretty difficult I guess since I'm still screaming like a wild banshee in the shower about once a week. This always results in knocking over bottles and the screaming more because it hits a foot. Maybe it's time to switch to a baby safe shampoo....

Since I'm on the topic of showering. Another common thing I do while thinking deep, philosophical things.. is forget to rinse out conditioner. Nothing like running your hands through your hair an hour after a bath to realize you've got an oil slick on your head. Since the girl in the picture below is rocking it.. I guess I can say at least I'm trendy?

One of my classic moves is putting my clothes on inside out. It's always awesome to be in public and have someone announce that I've done this. My favorite is struggling to snap my bra for a good five minutes only to realize that it's inside out... I've got big boobs. I've had to wear a bra for most of my life. You think I would notice that I'm sitting there struggling to snap the damn thing and that something isn't quite right. 

Anyone who knows me knows I'm not exactly graceful. Living in a house with hardwood floors just makes this worse. Someday I will learn to slow down when I'm just wearing socks on my feet (or my favorite footie pj's). There's nothing like the rush of adrenaline you get when you take a corner too fast and slide. It keeps my heart healthy. 

I'm not gonna split hairs. I like food. I like the taste of it.. and if a small piece of cake is all that's available, fine. If a whole cake is sitting in front of me.. forget about it. I need to get that stuff into my mouth asap. The problem is that sometimes my eyes are bigger than my stomach. I seem to only remember this after the fact. When I'm rolling around in pain, clutching my stomach, and praying to anyone that will listen to come save me from impending death by food.

Can you make out the picture below? Me either.. I find myself in this situation often. I leave the house, get in the car and realize five miles away that everything is a blur because I've forgotten my glasses..yet again. Who the heck decided to make the writing on street signs so small? Why do I forget my glasses? One would think that a person would derive joy from seeing the world in a crisp and fresh way. I see a running theme here of being a glutton for punishment.

Back to the food topic. Did I mention I reaaalllly like food? Why, for the love of all that is holy, do I continue to eat foods that make me feel like I've just set my stomach on fire?! Tomatoes, pineapple (which, by the way.. I'm allergic to and still eat), pasta, cucumbers.. you name it. It can hurt, but it's still going in my mouth. This always results in a tearful rendition of, "why did I do this? Again."

How many times will I take interest in a craft or hobby, go out and spend tons of money on it only to lose interest halfway through? Why do I do this to myself and my budget? You know how many half finished knitting projects I have in a box somewhere? I can't answer that because I don't know, nor do I want to. Sorry for all the babies that never got their blankets.

I'm a fairly organized person. I like things to be in a specific place. I love filing. I love.... to kick my shoes off in random places, only to yell like a jerk when I can't find one of them, insistent that someone has done it specifically to aggravate me. I hate that the furniture industry has decided that couches look better up off the ground. Not only do half of my shoes end up there, but so do cat toys, bits of food, toys, socks..etc. 

Hopefully, my stupidity has made you laugh. I like to tell myself that brilliant people are often the most absent minded. Yeah....... let's go with that.

Laundry Laundry Everywhere

We all have mountains to climb...mine is made of laundry.

What is it about laundry that is so daunting and soul sucking? Washing and drying it is easy. In fact, it's one of the easiest household tasks that one can do. Throw it in, dump some stuff, hit a button..it's done. It's the putting it away that really sucks.

I'm not going to lie. If you were to walk down to our basement or bedroom on any given day of the week, you would find laundry mountain. It's clean..it's dried....it just never made it past that point. It's a dirty little secret... well a clean BIG secret.

Here are some tips of how to live with piles of clean laundry.

1. Keep your bedroom door shut at all times. Don't invite company in to see something in your room. People start assuming it's a mysterious room full of treasures when in reality, it's just a mess.
2. If by chance someone sees the laundry, perch a cat on top and scold the cat for knocking over all the folded laundry..again. (apologize to your cat later) They wont tell on you.
3. Put a "to donate" sign on it. That way people will assume you are just a good person.
4. Learn to use your dryer as an iron. Clothes all wrinkled from sitting in a pile? Pluck out what you need and throw it in the dryer with a damp towel... it will be wrinkle free in no time.
5. Do you have little ones at home? Teach them that Mommy isn't a slob by allowing them to jump off the bed into the piles of laundry. This makes you cool and fun.
6. Learn to rotate the same outfits. Who are we kidding? You haven't missed the clothes at the bottom of that mountain..get creative with the clothing that is always on top.
7. Stop being a snob about matching socks. Call yourself quirky and people don't bat an eye at the fact that you have one argyle sock and one ankle sock on. They will think you are just a unique individual.
8. Buy tons of underwear. There's nothing worse than running out. Keep your eye out for sales and purchase several weeks worth. You'll thank me later.
9. Use hangers for everything. People are quick to judge a pile of laundry... but I find that if everything is hanging from the rafters, they just think we are running a cleaning service.
10. Make teens do their own laundry on the guise of teaching them responsibility. Remember not to be judgy when you walk in their room and see the clean piles. You taught them that trick.

If it gets bad enough, I suggest keep lengths of rope tied to doorknobs.. when you enter the bedroom, tie one around your waist so you can use it to guide you back to the door. Otherwise you run the risk of being lost forever in laundry mountain.

And no one will here your muffled screams of help through all of it.

God speed.