OCD- It's So Cool, Everyone Says They Have It.

It seems to be all the rage to say, "I have OCD." There are memes, songs, cartoons, and all manner of other things that show something being askew or off kilter and if it bothers you, BAM you have obsessive compulsive disorder.

The fact is, OCD can be debilitating for many people if it is untreated. Most people who are agoraphobic have untreated OCD. People who have severe anxiety that seems to have no obvious trigger..are in fact people who probably have OCD.

Sure, a disdain for things like imbalance, discordance, or chaos can be signs..but it runs much deeper than that. There are several categories of it that people tend to fall into. Because I'm willing to bare my brain for you, I will share my own experiences. Sometimes my obsessive thinking can cause anxiety, but for the most part, I've learned to accept it as part of life and laugh about just how messed up I am sometimes. So laugh along with me.

1. The Washers- the obsession with this type is contamination. People who struggle with this may spend hours a day scrubbing and washing their bodies and surfaces.

Living in an ever changing home with teens in and out, a husband who's a collector (I'm putting that nicely) and is always working on different projects, and pets is what finally made me stop obsessing over cleaning myself and my surroundings. Teens do things like hide dirty dishes in their rooms, spill things and then claim amnesia when you ask why they didn't clean it up, trash their bedroom two seconds after it's been cleaned. It was either learn to cope or go absolutely insane on a daily basis. I used to cry about it, now I walk through my house like a horse with blinders..

Side note: if you are sick, just stay away from me. That will help keep me from thinking about getting sick for the next three days after I've seen you. I'm not grossed out by you..but you are in fact contagious.

2. The Checkers- Checking things like locks or appliances. Checking and rechecking to make sure that they are safe. OR checking your body for symptoms of illness.

This was by far the worst of what I dealt with. I wasn't so concerned about the safety of my house as I was the fact that I was convinced I was dying of some terrible disease or illness. I used to check my blood pressure up to ten times a day until I made my husband hide the monitor. I used to check my legs for blood clots (I still struggle with this one) because every little ache meant that a clot had formed and was just waiting to dislodge and go to my lungs to kill me instantly. I looked like a person doing aerobics from the 80's, stopping often to make sure my heart rate was where it should be. I could go on and on with this. I used to be a mess about worrying and checking my physical body. A spider bite? Forget about it, that thing was going to fester and babies were going to erupt from my skin and kill me. I mean, really, can you say IRRATIONAL???

3. The Doubters and Sinners- Fearing that if you aren't perfect, didn't do something perfect, or weren't completely perfect from a religious viewpoint..that something terrible would happen.

I can thank my grandparents for instilling the fear of God into me. I remember laying in bed and praying for hours before falling asleep each night. Looking back I realize that at the age of 6 years old, I probably didn't know how to sin. Nevertheless, Satan was gonna come steal me away and I worried about it ALL the time. Now? No. I have to believe that if there is a God, that he is one of love and forgiveness. After all, he made me. I must make that dude laugh all the time. (or shake his head in wonder) I now save my prayers for those that need the positive energy. I pray in a meditative way to help calm me down when I am stressed. I certainly do not fear the guy with the horns and pitch fork coming after me.

4.  The Counters and Arrangers- Obsession with order and symmetry, Superstitions about numbers , colors, or arrangements.

I may struggle with this a little bit. But, come on! Symmetry is important! I think that laying on your back in a room and counting ceiling tiles is totally normal. Counting steps, the number of times you brush your teeth, the number of paper towels you are using, how many steps it is from my side of the bed to the bathroom (14, unless there are obstacles) is all normal! I don't get stressed about it, it's just a thing. Some people wash their body a certain way...I'm a great counter. Superstitions, no way. That's my husband. I let him worry about hats on beds, breaking mirrors, and knocking on wood. My brain has no room to worry about those things.

5. Hoarders- Fear that something bad will happen if you throw things away. Keeping garbage and other objects because you fear that you will need them, someday.

Hallelujah! I don't have any problems with this!! I would seriously let a bulldozer ( a small one) come through my house and get rid of all of the crap that everyone else has accumulated. PLEASE! Did you read number one? I can't clean around crap. Period. Very near me is a box labeled "electronic parts". It is my husbands. You tell me who has the problem with letting things go. Hint! It isn't me.

One symptom of OCD is intrusive thoughts. I used to get really scared of the thoughts I would have. They happen suddenly and without warning. To a person without OCD, these thoughts can seem insane. They are not, it's just an anxious over thinking brain trying to gain control of a situation that you subconsciously or consciously fear. Now I voice them out loud and my husband reassures me that although I am crazy and funny, I am harmless. Some of my recurring intrusive thoughts were:

"What if I just drive my car right off the bridge?"
"What if I punched my husband while he's asleep?"
" What if I pick that knife up and just cut myself with it? Or worse yet, cut someone else with it?"
" What if I have a heart attack in the bathtub and no one finds me for a long time?"

These are the types of thoughts that can really make a person with OCD believe they are unsafe, UNTIL that person learns that they are in fact probably the least likely person to do anything horrible or scary...their brain is just playing tricks on them.

Yes, OCD is something that happens. It can be debilitating for some people, and it used to be for me. My point is that it's not cool to say you have a problem with it. Maybe it bothers you that a letter is out of place, or there is one red skittle mixed in with the green skittles. That does not mean you have OCD. It means you are visually bothered by certain things.

Also, even though it's a pain right in the butt to deal with this.. you are usually more analytical and intelligent. So turn that frown upside down my friend, there's a positive to every negative.

(I keep reminding myself of that when I get the urge to clean the baseboards with a toothbrush.)

Divine Intervention

This is our boy, our son, our other pride and joy...Brandon.

I've never shared the story of how the universe blessed us with him.

Several years ago, Aria brought Brandon home after school. It wasn't too unlike most times that she had brought friends over except that this child was quiet, curled in on himself, and spoke with the quietest voice..only when we directly asked a question. He quickly became a regular visitor who still maintained the same shy demeanor and did everything possible to make himself as small and hidden as possible. I remember hearing Brandon and Aria laughing in another room and thinking that she had such a gentle way with him. She allowed him to be himself with no pressure and no judgement. Yet, as soon as he would see us or any other adult, he would go silent and quietly disappear into himself, again.

It was the day after New Years. It was snowing and below freezing outside at around ten pm. Aria was gone for the weekend and Kendrick and I were snuggled on the couch watching a movie..when we heard a faint knock on the door. Not hearing a car pull up we figured it was the wind blowing. Then we heard it again. There stood Brandon. Soaking wet, shivering, and looking terrified and sad. That was the night that he came into our home, never to leave again.

Brandon was a child of parents who had addiction issues. All of his life he was shipped from family member to family member. He was diagnosed as being on the Autism spectrum and was put on Social Security at a young age. His family pumped him full of pills that suppressed his personality in the attempt to make him silent. He saw many forms of abuse at the hands of his family, more than anything, emotional abuse. For a time, he lived with an aunt who belittled him and set him apart from her own kids and didn't hesitate to let him know that he was not HER kid. On holidays and birthdays, he watched his cousins and family open gifts and learned at a young age that he should feel lucky to just have a place to stay. One Christmas, he was given a pair of hedge clippers..because that's what they expected of him. He was to do the household chores, go to school, and stay silent.

After moving in with his Grandmother, it was much of the same treatment. His diagnosis continued to allow her to cash a check in his name. She had very strict rules and expectations for the jobs he was to perform in the home. Aria was not allowed to visit except for a couple of times, during which, his grandmother made it very clear that she was not welcome and she did not approve of their friendship. It seemed that Brandon's family wanted to isolate him from the outside world as much as possible. We can only speculate why.

The night Brandon showed up at our doorstep he was shaking in fear, hunger, and cold. He was late shoveling his grandmother's driveway. As punishment, he spent four days in his room with no contact from anyone, including his grandmother. She did not feed him. She turned off the internet..and made him sit alone.

Something in Brandon finally came to the surface, and he realized that he couldn't take it anymore. In his light sweatshirt and jeans, he slipped out of the house and walked to ours, hoping to be let in and be fed.

Divine intervention made sure we were home to receive him, warm him, feed him. For the first time since we had met him, he talked..and couldn't stop talking. He had been starved of human affection and attention and it showed.

Fast forward to now.

Brandon has become a young man who never ceases to amaze us. He is intelligent, so intelligent. Every person that has witnessed the change since he's been here is amazed, and says so. He is no longer that withdrawn and quiet boy. He is a young man who laughs, tells jokes, and walks taller with pride in himself.

 Two weeks ago I asked him how he felt about himself now. His answer, "I used to think that being autistic was a disability. Now I see that it just makes me a little different. And that's OK. I realized that I am capable of more than I ever thought. I know that the people in my life that treated me badly, did it because they had problems, not me. I know what it's like to have parents that love me more than my birth parents did, and that I deserve that, because I'm a good person that has something to offer the world."

And he's right. Oh so right.

Today he graduated from high school. His teachers and guidance counselor have worked endlessly with us to get to this point. This is the first year that Brandon passed all of his classes the whole year. He did so well, he was asked to co-teach a chemistry class. He inspired his science teacher so much, that he began to fight for Brandon's rights as an individual, not just someone with a diagnosis. Brandon has become so empowered. He speaks for himself at his IEP meetings. HE arranges the level of help he needs. One of the first things we did when he came to live with us was to stop Social Security and stop the onslaught of medical appointments. We wanted to show him that he had value...and that his value had nothing to do with money.

That's our Brandon. It's a story that makes me cry at the thought of it. His growth as a person is inspiring. We love him more and more every day.

Our wish for him is to continue to learn what a light he is in this world, that he is capable of more than anyone ever told him he was, and that he knows just how loved and lovable he really is.

What's In A Name

There are many things assigned to us at birth. Many of those things are not based on what your wants or feelings may be down the road. A parent takes that role for you. Sometimes this is OK. A person may feel a strong connection to their name after hearing it throughout their lifetime. Sometimes a person may feel it necessary to change their name to solidify their identity.

Especially in the case of trans* folk. Just like their gender was assigned to them, their name (usually associated with that gender) is assigned as well. This can be problematic. A name is important. It's something that shapes our identity.

My daughter changed her name several years ago. She did not feel her birth name aligned with her gender identity. At first, this was hard for me. I labored over a name for her the whole time I was pregnant. It meant so much to me. I called her that before I even held her in my arms...and yet, in a flash, that name was no longer suitable or wanted by her.

I grieved that. The night she told us that she had decided to change her name, I sat outside for hours crying. I felt like I was losing her in a way.

After a couple of hours contemplating this, I realized just how ridiculous this was. She was still my girl, my baby, my child. How selfish of me to assume that because I chose her name, that she would identify with it in a positive way.

She could have changed her name twenty times, and it wouldn't change who she was as a person.

This raises the question.. why do we (as a whole) feel it is a burden to change our thinking, our habits, and our behavior towards a person who finally understands what their identity really is? Should this not be a celebration?

What if we changed our thinking instead of asking a person to deny their true identity? "Congratulations, you are so sure of who you are! That's an amazing thing!!!"

And it is an amazing thing! Something that many of us take for granted. It is like being reborn, except this time, you absolutely know who you are!

To those of you going through this, I honor you. I hope you find the strength and joy to stand firm in your identity. It is truly worth being celebrated!

Choosing Happiness

This statement is so profound. I've thought on it many times and contemplated the depth of it.

The door, to me, means my life. Everything in it. My family, friends, my mind, my thoughts, my body, my  intentions.. the door is everything.

We are bombarded with negativity like we are civilians in a war torn country. It can come from all sides, unexpectedly and violently. It can come softly with just a whisper. Sometimes, it is an underlying and invisible entity that we are unaware of. Like cancer, it can eat away at us from the inside out without even knowing it's happening. Getting stuck in rut of negativity happens easily. You are going through life and before you know it you realize you are bogged down and your wheels are stuck.

If we are lucky, there are still those around us that will lend a hand. And that helps, temporarily. It is a band-aid for a deep gash. The only true way to sew up the gash or get your wheels back on solid ground is to change your thinking. It is a cycle of self perpetuated abuse that only you can stop.

"My life is hard." Everyone's life is hard. It's called life. It is inherently hard. It's like working out, the more you face the pain..the more you grow and become strong. Life is not about being easy, it's about weathering the hard stuff and building a better you!

"No matter what I do, I can't seem to be happy." Happiness is a state of mind, not a state of doing. It comes from within. You want your life to be filled with happiness? You must first find out how to be happy in a very deep way. Plant a seed of intention and foster it within yourself. If you find that negativity from outside sources is causing your beautiful flower of happiness to wither, then block out that negativity and shine your internal light on it. It HAS to come from within, not without.

"I am always broke." To me, this is one of the smallest reasons to allow yourself to feel negatively. I have been poor enough that I've had to ask for food. I've had enough money that I've been comfortable. Either way, I never gave it the power to take away my internal sense of happiness. I've seen rich people who are unhappy in life and poverty stricken people who light up with a joy that is contagious. Money is a thing..and things are not internal. They can only create a false sense of happiness.

"Everyone seems to hurt me." Life is a tide that ebbs and flows. People will come into your life and people will go out of your life. We are all part of one big ocean. It is a fact that there will be times in your life that a person will let you down, not live up to your expectations, or walk away. This is why it is so important to always hold on to our sense of self..and foster it. You can choose to rant and rave about the people you interact with, or you can see them as a gift for a time, until that time comes to an end. Just realize, that when the end comes, you are left with yourself. This is why it is important to know how to be happy inside. The rest is a bonus.

"I'm always sick or in pain." Apart from the fact that sometimes we are faced with illness or injury outside our realm of control, negative thinking can perpetuate illness and pain. Our bodies respond to it in a very real way and it will become problematic. Only you can fix that. You do have the power to heal pain and illness caused by negativity, all by yourself! That is amazing power!

As a whole, we've become OK with complaining. We accept it as part of life. I challenge you to become aware of your own state of negativity. Find the positive..focus on it. Rid your life of things and people that only contribute to negative space you are existing in. Make it a positive space..only leave room for more positive to come into it.

We are human. We are not perfect beings. This is life's work, but your life will be richer because of it.

Life Lessons By Proxy

Some of the hardest lessons in our lives are brought on by choices that other's have made affecting us. Although it's not always pleasant, there is always something to be learned by the experience.

 Some people may treat you as though you are disposable. You are anything but. You are beautifully and wonderfully made and worth oh so much.

Don't waste your precious life seeking acceptance or love from someone who has already decided they don't want that from you. There are many other people who do want that!

Drinking will not make your problems go away. There is no answer at the bottom of a bottle, there is only emptiness.

It is far easier to take the time to right what or who you have wronged rather than live forever with the guilt and sadness over your decisions.

You will feel sad, mad, content, restless, anxious and much more over the course of your life. None of these feelings last forever. It's good to remember that when you are in the midst of them.

You don't have to accept negativity from people. You can walk away and say, "I don't want that in my life.' It is OK and healthy.

It's healthy to take some time for yourself. If you don't take care of your needs, you will have less to offer others.

Some people will never understand you. Some people will never even try to understand you. Stay your course, only YOU have to understand you.

Kind words can resonate for years and years.

Negativity is born of poor self worth. If someone is putting you down, they have the problem, not you.

Sometimes our family aren't blood relatives. They are the people who stand by you and support you with no expectation to benefit from it.

If the first thing you think to say is negative, swallow it and try again. There is always something positive to focus on. ALWAYS.

Don't regret or resent the hard times in your life, you are strong because of them!

Never hesitate to tell others that you love them. Say it often. Hug often. Tell people what they mean to you, often. There is no promise of a tomorrow.

It's OK to get scared, but don't let your fear stop you from living a full life.

YOU have the power to change the negative patterns you may have been born into.You can stop them and teach younger generations a new way of thinking and living.

Whether or not you personally agree with what someone is saying, listen anyways. They may teach you something new.

Honor your elders. They have lived, seen, and experienced more than we have. Cherish them and your time with them.

A Glimpse Inside

Just a note: I'm not writing this to garner sympathy or attention. Sometimes I get asked to do things, sometimes people question me repeatedly, sometimes I feel like a big let down because I have to say I can't do things..normal things. Things that most people wouldn't even consider.
So I thought I would give you a glimpse into my world with Reflexive Sympathetic Dystrophy or as it's sometimes called, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome.

First off, let me tell you what  happens to someone with RSD/CRPS.
 The key symptom is prolonged pain that may be constant and, in some people, extremely uncomfortable or severe. The pain may feel like a burning or “pins and needles” sensation, or as if someone is squeezing the affected limb. The pain may spread to include the entire arm or leg, even though the precipitating injury might have been only to a finger or toe. Pain can sometimes even travel to the opposite extremity. There is often increased sensitivity in the affected area, such that even light touch or contact is painful (called allodynia).

People with CRPS also experience constant or intermittent changes in temperature, skin color, and swelling of the affected limb. This is due to abnormal microcirculation caused by damage to the nerves controlling blood flow and temperature. An affected arm or leg may feel warmer or cooler compared to the opposite limb. The skin on the affected limb may change color, becoming blotchy, blue, purple, pale, or red.

Other common features of CRPS include:

• changes in skin texture on the affected area; it may appear shiny and thin
• abnormal sweating pattern in the affected area or surrounding areas
• changes in nail and hair growth patterns
• stiffness in affected joints
• problems coordinating muscle movement, with decreased ability to move the affected body part, and
• abnormal movement in the affected limb, most often fixed abnormal posture (called dystonia) but also tremors in or jerking of the affected limb.

These are just the basic symptoms..the list is actually very long and overwhelming, but I think you get the picture.

A typical day for me varies depending on my symptoms. Sometimes they are closely tied to the weather, temperature, overuse of my ankle and foot, shoes that don't fit just right, socks that are too tight or too loose, fever, other illness, lack of sleep...and many times, I have a flare up for no reason at all. My ankle and foot suddenly swell up to the point of not being able to fit a shoe on it and I just have to wait it out. As you can see, there is no consistency or pattern. This makes it hard because I can be having an OK day and then suddenly be bed ridden.

I have a saint of a husband who not only does a lot of the household chores, he puts my socks and shoes on, shaves my legs (because he knows the amount of pressure that will hurt the least on my bad leg), he goes grocery shopping, he works around my sleep or lack of sleep, he does EVERYTHING in his power to make sure I am in the least amount of pain possible by doing things that most people take for granted. More than anything, he holds me and lets me cry it out when I can't hold it in anymore..and he reminds me that maybe the next hour wont hurt so bad.

I have pain medication. I have very strong pain meds. The problem with depending on them is that I don't want to be an addict. They make me tired, lethargic, itchy, nauseous, constipated, and they cause me to have very painful gallbladder attacks when I use them as often as prescribed. They also precipitate anxiety attacks and bouts of sadness, because they are depressants. None of the pain medications I have tried have ever taken my pain away. They just made me care less about it because I was drugged up. I have been asked to do a trial surgery where they implant a device along my spine that will send confusing pulses to my brain to try to override the pain signals. Sounds perfect right? Who doesn't want to opt for a surgery on their spinal cord? Apart from the fear that causes me, people who have RSD are at a much higher risk of it spreading to other limbs when they are further injured. (like surgery) 

Sometimes, I feel like my life has become one great attempt to adapt. I have to use wheelchairs in stores or when I know I will need to walk for more than a few minutes. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is for me? I see elderly people walking on their own two feet and yet I am forced to use a wheelchair. And because my disability isn't always obvious to the naked eye, I feel judged. People can't see the pain I am in..they don't know what it's like to feel like someone has dumped lighter fluid all down your leg and set it on fire. They don't know that every step feels like a knife is coming up through my bone. 

I wouldn't want them to know that kind of pain. I just wish that people wouldn't assume that because I "look" normal, that I am just making it up. 

Sometimes I feel like I hold in my own feelings and pain to keep from drawing attention to myself. I'm a big girl. This week alone, I was invited to an event where I am supposed to receive and award for volunteering in the community, but I wont go because I don't want to go in my wheelchair. I was asked to a dance with friends, but I wont go..because it's not fun to watch everyone else move around like they are weightless and have people coaxing me to dance because they don't know that I just can't do it. For 4 years in a row, I've missed an annual celebration with friends because it's held in the woods..and I can't hike anymore. I can't drive long distances because it hurts to stay in one position, so road trips are really hard. I can't run around with my niece like I dream of. I can't completely relax around pets and kids because I have to guard my leg, because if they brush up against it might make me cry in pain. 

I don't know what my body will allow me to do until it's time to do it. I wont know if I will be too tired or need to sleep because RSD also attacks the limbic system, and that controls my sleeping patterns. Some nights I fall right asleep, and some nights I am awake all night...like tonight. Some nights I lay in bed and cry because I am in so much pain, and I know that my husband is asleep and I won't worry him with my tears. 

Writing this is not only cathartic for me, I'm having a very tearful night, but I just need to get it out there. I've been living with this for almost four years and I still feel like I am answering the same questions, I am still explaining why I can't do something, and I am still feeling resentful when someone asks me to do things that I feel are obvious that I can't do. I know that sounds selfish, and maybe it is, but I need to say it. 

Everyone always tells me I'm resilient and positive. And I like to think I am! Almost always. Having RSD is just one of those things that I haven't been able to be positive about. No matter how I try to look at it, I can't see anything but what it's cost me and my family. And I hate that. 

It's rained for three days, I am in pain and hoping for sunshine and warmth. That's my hope. I also hope that sharing this with you has helped you understand something about me that I don't share with most people. My weak side. 

One more thing, please ask me questions directly if you have them. I would rather just answer them then feel like you are speculating or guessing. The more you understand, the easier it is for me. 

Here are some resources if you want to read more:

http://www.rsds.org/education.html

http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/reflex_sympathetic_dystrophy/detail_reflex_sympathetic_dystrophy.htm

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

Pro-bullying vs. Anti-bullying

Boy, is this ever a hot button! I see pictures like the one above, all over the place on social media. Please know, I'm not targeting anyone specifically, I just want to share some information that I think is crucial when considering bullying.

The first thing to consider is that bullying is NOTHING like it was when you and I were kids. We lived in a time when generally speaking, parents were more involved in discipline. We lived in a time when social networking, cell phones, and email..didn't even exist. We lived in a time that weapons were not readily available, and if they were, we never considered using them to violate another person. Further more, we lived in a time when people didn't openly talk about being different (homosexual, transgender, learning challenges, poverty..etc), those things may have been whispered about, but there was not the inclusion in classrooms or the community, like there is now. In our time, people didn't openly come out about who they might be.

What is bullying? It is using strength or superiority to influence or intimidate a person, with the intent to force them to do what you want or harm their emotional/physical/social well being.

Domestic violence is a form of bullying..as a whole, our society takes that very seriously. Yet, in essence, it includes the very same behavior that many kids are now facing. Tell me, what is the difference that one is OK and one isn't?

Sexual harassment in the workplace is a form of bullying, again, that includes the same behavior that kids are now faced with. Yes, sexual harassment of kids by other kids is a very real problem.

These are just two example of types of bullying that are adamantly fought against, yet demonstrate the very same behavior and motives as the types of bullying that our kids are facing in school.

Do I think that there are times when students, kids, people, cry wolf and abuse the word victim? YES I DO. Absolutely, I do. I've seen it in my own personal life and I've seen it in professional settings when working with kids. Do I feel that we really need to teach what resiliency is? Again, yes. In fact, I feel so strongly about it that I've written two blog posts just on that topic. Do I agree with the sentiment that letting kids stand up for (by) themselves and learn to cope is enough to address a bully? NO.

One can not cope as well when they are being bombarded daily with soul crushing, threatening, scary behavior from peers. It is not possible to cope when you are immersed in fear for your safety. Again, safety means physical, mental, emotional, and social. Sorry folks, that's  psychology. Trauma does not allow us behave in ways that are normal and healing while it is occurring. That is fact.

Should kids/adults be taught to stand up for themselves? Yes, IF it can be done without threat to their safety. There is no situation with a bully that is safe. They will systematically behave in a way that will diminish your sense of self worth and sense of safety. Again, that is fact. THAT is bullying.

Saying our kids need to just suck it up and learn from it is ignoring bullying for what it really is. It is telling kids that their struggles are merely their own and it undermines their want to get help when they need it the most.

We can't continue to ignore this problem. Sweeping it under the rug only empowers bullies to continue their behavior.

I ask you to consider these things before making rash judgments against anti-bullying programs. I ask you to consider how you would feel if your child was driven to suicide because they feared for their life. I also ask you to consider our changing world, how technological and social changes have created a place where bullying has not only changed, but it has flourished.

If you don't want to wear shirts or ribbons to show your solidarity against bullying, that is OK. What is not OK is ignoring a very real and very scary problem. Please do your research. You need only to use google to see the devastation that bullying is causing kids and adults.

I leave you with these frightening statistics:

• Suicide is the third leading cause of death among young people, resulting in about 4,400 deaths per year, according to the CDC. For every suicide among young people, there are at least 100 suicide attempts. Over 14 percent of high school students have considered suicide, and almost 7 percent have attempted it.
• Bully victims are between 2 to 9 times more likely to consider suicide than non-victims, according to studies by Yale University
• A study in Britain found that at least half of suicides among young people are related to bullying
• 10 to 14 year old girls may be at even higher risk for suicide, according to the study above
• According to statistics reported by ABC News, nearly 30 percent of students are either bullies or victims of bullying, and 160,000 kids stay home from school every day because of fear of bullying

Not Step Parent But BONUS Parent

I've always disliked the term 'step-parent'. To me it seemed lesser. The original use of the word derives from an Old English word, steop, which means bereave. It was a term used for children who were orphans. Our daughter was never an orphan. Nor are most of the children who are in similar parental situations like ours.

Being a bonus parent is hard. At the beginning of my relationship with Kendrick, at least 90% of our arguments revolved around parenting styles. I was stuck in my ways. He was just developing his ways. It was not uncommon to retreat to a quiet place after our daughter went to bed and argue about a decision that was made regarding her. Typically, I was the defensive and angry one out of the two of us. I couldn't come to terms with the fact that I had to learn how to incorporate two styles of parenting into one. Rather, I didn't feel it was fair. After all, I was the one who raised her most of her life. How could he think that he knew what was best?

It became clear, rather quickly, that if we didn't work this out that our relationship would suffer and fall apart. Despite either of our personal feelings about parenting, we loved each other deeply. We wanted this to work. We wanted to be a happy couple and a happy family. So what to do?

We went to the source. Our child. Without asking her to choose sides, we talked openly about how she felt about how each of us handled situations. Her words came fast and clear, "you contradict Kendrick. He wants what's best for me but you think he's too harsh, but he really isn't."

Holy crap, was that a blow to my ego as a parent! To have my ten year old tell me that I was in the wrong was, at the very least...hard to hear.

From that moment on, I made it my goal to stop my contradicting, to let him take a more active role, to let him LOVE her (because that's also part of discipline) in his unique way. It was when I started doing that, that things became so much easier. In fact, having put my ego aside, I realized that he and I agreed on much more than I thought we did. He also forced me to look at things from different angles. For the first time as a parent, I realized that perhaps..just perhaps..I didn't know everything.

Bonus parents are given a hard job from the beginning. Not only are they walking into a situation that is typically born of things like divorce or the death of another parent, but they are viewed as aliens. No one will walk up to a birth mom and tell her that she's raising her kids wrong (usually), but family is quick to point out when they perceive a bonus parent is wrong or unfair. Sometimes, the kids are already coming from a tough situation and feel threatened by the bonus parent. In short, their job is much harder than people really understand.

Today, I was reminded of our hard work as parents, how blessed our daughter is for her bonus parent, and just how far we have evolved as a family.

Our kids are graduating and leaving home soon. My husband and I laid down and held each other while we cried together about the end of this era. Reminiscing, talking about what we will miss most, how things will change,

 It made me think back to the beginning of our parenting together, and it made me cry even harder thinking of the joy that he has brought me, our kids, and our home..because I gave him the room to be the dad that he wanted to be.